Can You Keep a Secret?
Page 8
'… awful presents, and I have to pretend I like them …'
'… coffee at work is the most disgusting stuff you've ever drunk, absolute poison …'
'… put "Maths GCSE grade A" on my CV, when I really only got C. I know it was dishonest. I know I shouldn't have done it, but I so wanted to get the job …'
What's happened to me? Normally there's a kind of filter which stops me blurting out everything I'm thinking; which keeps me in check.
But the filter's stopped working. Everything's piling out in a big, random stream, and I can't stop it.
'Sometimes I think I believe in God, because how else did we all get here? But then I think, yes but what about war and stuff …'
'… wear G-strings because they don't give you VPL. But they're so uncomfortable …'
'… size eight, and I didn't know what to do, so I just said "Wow those are absolutely fantastic …"'
'… roasted peppers, my complete favourite food …'
'… joined a book group, but I just couldn't get through Great Expectations. So I just skimmed the back and pretended I'd read it …'
'… I gave him all his goldfish food, I honestly don't know what happened …'
'… just have to hear that Carpenters song "Close to You" and I start crying …'
'… really wish I had bigger boobs. I mean, not Page 3 size, not completely enormous and stupid, but you know, bigger. Just to know what it's like …'
'… perfect date would start off with champagne just appearing at the table, as if by magic …'
'… I just cracked, I secretly bought this huge tub of Häagen-Dazs and scoffed the lot, and I never told Lissy …'
I'm unaware of anything around us. The world has narrowed to me and this stranger, and my mouth, spewing out all my innermost thoughts and secrets.
I barely know what I'm saying any more. All I know is, it feels good.
Is this what therapy is like?
'… name was Danny Nussbaum. Mum and Dad were downstairs watching Ben Hur, and I remember thinking, if this is what the world gets so excited about, then the world's mad …'
'… lie on my side, because that way your cleavage looks bigger …'
'… works in market research. I remember thinking the very first time I saw him, wow, he's good-looking, He's very tall and blond, because he's half-Swedish, and he has these amazing blue eyes. So he asked me out …'
'… always have a glass of sweet sherry before a date, just to calm my nerves …'
'He's wonderful. Connor's completely wonderful. I'm just so lucky. Everyone's always telling me how great he is. He's sweet, and he's good, and he's successful and everyone calls us the perfect couple …'
'… I'd never tell anyone this in a million years. But sometimes I think he's almost too good-looking. A bit like one of those dolls? Like Ken. Like a blond Ken.'
And now I'm on the subject of Connor, I'm saying things I've never said to anyone. Things I never even realized were in my head.
'… gave him this lovely leather watch for Christmas, but he wears this orange digital thing because it can tell him the temperature in Poland or something stupid …'
'… took me to all these jazz concerts and I pretended to enjoy them to be polite, so now he thinks I love jazz …'
'… every single Woody Allen film off by heart and says each line before it comes and it drives me crackers …'
'… just looks at me as though I'm speaking some foreign language …'
'… determined to find my G spot, so we spent the whole weekend doing it in different positions, and by the end I was just knackered, all I wanted was a pizza and Friends …'
'… he kept saying, what was it like, what was it like? So in the end I just made some stuff up, I said it was absolutely amazing, and it felt as though my whole body was opening up like a flower, and he said, what sort of flower, so I said a begonia …'
'… can't expect the initial passion to last. But how do you tell if the passion's faded in a good, long-term-commitment way or in a crap, we-don't-fancy-each-other-any-more way …'
'… knight in shining armour is not a realistic option. But there's a part of me that wants a huge, amazing romance. I want passion. I want to be swept off my feet. I want an earthquake, or a … I don't know, a huge whirlwind … something exciting. Sometimes I feel as if there's this whole new, thrilling life waiting for me out there, and if I can just—'
'Excuse me, miss?'
'What?' I look up dazedly. 'What is it?' The air hostess with the French plait is smiling down at me.
'We've landed.' I stare at her.
'We've landed?'
This doesn't make sense. How can we have landed? I look around — and sure enough, the plane's still. We're on the ground.
'… coffee at work is the most disgusting stuff you've ever drunk, absolute poison …'
'… put "Maths GCSE grade A" on my CV, when I really only got C. I know it was dishonest. I know I shouldn't have done it, but I so wanted to get the job …'
What's happened to me? Normally there's a kind of filter which stops me blurting out everything I'm thinking; which keeps me in check.
But the filter's stopped working. Everything's piling out in a big, random stream, and I can't stop it.
'Sometimes I think I believe in God, because how else did we all get here? But then I think, yes but what about war and stuff …'
'… wear G-strings because they don't give you VPL. But they're so uncomfortable …'
'… size eight, and I didn't know what to do, so I just said "Wow those are absolutely fantastic …"'
'… roasted peppers, my complete favourite food …'
'… joined a book group, but I just couldn't get through Great Expectations. So I just skimmed the back and pretended I'd read it …'
'… I gave him all his goldfish food, I honestly don't know what happened …'
'… just have to hear that Carpenters song "Close to You" and I start crying …'
'… really wish I had bigger boobs. I mean, not Page 3 size, not completely enormous and stupid, but you know, bigger. Just to know what it's like …'
'… perfect date would start off with champagne just appearing at the table, as if by magic …'
'… I just cracked, I secretly bought this huge tub of Häagen-Dazs and scoffed the lot, and I never told Lissy …'
I'm unaware of anything around us. The world has narrowed to me and this stranger, and my mouth, spewing out all my innermost thoughts and secrets.
I barely know what I'm saying any more. All I know is, it feels good.
Is this what therapy is like?
'… name was Danny Nussbaum. Mum and Dad were downstairs watching Ben Hur, and I remember thinking, if this is what the world gets so excited about, then the world's mad …'
'… lie on my side, because that way your cleavage looks bigger …'
'… works in market research. I remember thinking the very first time I saw him, wow, he's good-looking, He's very tall and blond, because he's half-Swedish, and he has these amazing blue eyes. So he asked me out …'
'… always have a glass of sweet sherry before a date, just to calm my nerves …'
'He's wonderful. Connor's completely wonderful. I'm just so lucky. Everyone's always telling me how great he is. He's sweet, and he's good, and he's successful and everyone calls us the perfect couple …'
'… I'd never tell anyone this in a million years. But sometimes I think he's almost too good-looking. A bit like one of those dolls? Like Ken. Like a blond Ken.'
And now I'm on the subject of Connor, I'm saying things I've never said to anyone. Things I never even realized were in my head.
'… gave him this lovely leather watch for Christmas, but he wears this orange digital thing because it can tell him the temperature in Poland or something stupid …'
'… took me to all these jazz concerts and I pretended to enjoy them to be polite, so now he thinks I love jazz …'
'… every single Woody Allen film off by heart and says each line before it comes and it drives me crackers …'
'… just looks at me as though I'm speaking some foreign language …'
'… determined to find my G spot, so we spent the whole weekend doing it in different positions, and by the end I was just knackered, all I wanted was a pizza and Friends …'
'… he kept saying, what was it like, what was it like? So in the end I just made some stuff up, I said it was absolutely amazing, and it felt as though my whole body was opening up like a flower, and he said, what sort of flower, so I said a begonia …'
'… can't expect the initial passion to last. But how do you tell if the passion's faded in a good, long-term-commitment way or in a crap, we-don't-fancy-each-other-any-more way …'
'… knight in shining armour is not a realistic option. But there's a part of me that wants a huge, amazing romance. I want passion. I want to be swept off my feet. I want an earthquake, or a … I don't know, a huge whirlwind … something exciting. Sometimes I feel as if there's this whole new, thrilling life waiting for me out there, and if I can just—'
'Excuse me, miss?'
'What?' I look up dazedly. 'What is it?' The air hostess with the French plait is smiling down at me.
'We've landed.' I stare at her.
'We've landed?'
This doesn't make sense. How can we have landed? I look around — and sure enough, the plane's still. We're on the ground.
