Can You Keep a Secret?
Page 82
Anyway. Whatever. It's not good.
'Oh!' she says, staring at the floor. 'Gosh! Um … hi, Emma!'
'Hi!' I reply in a strangled voice. 'I thought I'd come home. The office was just too … too awful …'
I tail off, and there's the most excruciating, prickling silence for a few moments.
'So … I guess you saw it,' I say at last.
'Yes, I saw it,' says Lissy, still staring at the floor, 'And I …' She clears her throat. 'I just wanted to say that … that if you want me to move out, then I will.'
A lump comes to my throat. I knew it. After twenty-one years, our friendship is over. One tiny secret comes out — and that's the end of everything.
'It's OK,' I say, trying not to burst into tears. 'I'll move out.'
'No!' says Lissy awkwardly. 'I'll move out. This isn't your fault, Emma. It's been me who's been … leading you on.'
'What?' I stare at her. 'Lissy, you haven't been leading me on!'
'Yes I have.' She looks stricken. 'I feel terrible. I just never realized you had … those kind of feelings.'
'I don't!'
'But I can see it all now! I've been walking around half-dressed, no wonder you were frustrated!'
'I wasn't frustrated,' I say quickly. 'Lissy, I'm not a lesbian.'
'Bisexual, then. Or "multi-oriented". Whatever term you want to use.'
'I'm not bisexual, either! Or multi-whatever it was.'
'Emma, please!' Lissy grabs my hand. 'Don't be ashamed of your sexuality. And I promise, I'll support you a hundred per cent, whatever choice you decide to make—'
'Lissy, I'm not bisexual!' I cry. 'I don't need support! I just had one dream, OK? It wasn't a fantasy, it was just a weird dream, which I didn't intend to have, and it doesn't mean I'm a lesbian, and it doesn't mean I fancy you, and it doesn't mean anything.'
'Oh.' There's silence. Lissy looks taken aback. 'Oh, right. I thought it was a … a … you know.' She clears her throat. 'That you wanted to …'
'No! I just had a dream. Just one, stupid dream.'
'Oh. Right.'
There's a long pause, during which Lissy looks intently at her fingernails, and I study the buckle of my watch.
'So, did we actually …' says Lissy at last.
Oh God.
'Kind of,' I admit.
'And … was I any good?'
'What?' I gape at her.
'In the dream.' She looks straight at me, her cheeks bright pink. 'Was I any good?'
'Lissy …' I say, pulling an agonized face.
'I was crap, wasn't I? I was crap! I knew it.'
'No, of course you weren't crap!' I exclaim. 'You were … you were really …'
I cannot believe I'm seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
'Look, can we just leave the subject? My day has been embarrassing enough already.'
'Oh. Oh God, yes,' says Lissy, suddenly full of remorse. 'Sorry. Emma. You must be feeling really …'
'Totally and utterly humiliated and betrayed?' I try to give a smile. 'Yup, that's pretty much how I feel.'
'Did anyone at the office see it, then?' says Lissy sympathetically.
'Did anyone at the office see it?' I wheel round. 'Lissy, they all saw it. They all knew it was me! And they were all laughing at me, and I just wanted to curl up and die …'
'Oh God,' says Lissy in distress. 'Really?'
'It was awful.' I close my eyes as fresh mortification washes over me. 'I have never been more embarrassed in my entire life. I have never felt more … exposed. The whole world knows I find G-strings uncomfortable and I don't really kick-box, and I've never read Dickens.' My voice is wobbling more and more, and then, with no warning, I give a huge sob. 'Oh God, Lissy. You were right. I feel such a complete … fool. He was just using me, right from the beginning. He was never really interested in me. I was just a … a market research project.'
'You don't know that!' she says in dismay.
'I do! Of course I do. That's why he was gripped. That's why he was so fascinated by everything I said. It wasn't because he loved me. It was because he realized he had his target customer, right next to him. The kind of normal, ordinary, girl-on-the-street he would never normally give the time of day to!' I give another huge sob. 'I mean, he said it on the television, didn't he? I'm just a nothing-special girl.'
'You are not,' says Lissy fiercely. 'You are not nothing-special!'
'I am! That's exactly what I am. I'm just an ordinary nothing. And I was so stupid, I believed it all. I honestly thought Jack loved me. I mean, maybe not exactly loved me.' I feel myself colour. 'But … you know. Felt about me like I felt about him.'
'I know.' Lissy looks like she wants to cry herself. 'I know you did.' She leans forward and gives me a huge hug.
Suddenly she draws awkwardly away. 'This isn't making you feel uncomfortable, is it? I mean, it's not … turning you on or anything—'
'Oh!' she says, staring at the floor. 'Gosh! Um … hi, Emma!'
'Hi!' I reply in a strangled voice. 'I thought I'd come home. The office was just too … too awful …'
I tail off, and there's the most excruciating, prickling silence for a few moments.
'So … I guess you saw it,' I say at last.
'Yes, I saw it,' says Lissy, still staring at the floor, 'And I …' She clears her throat. 'I just wanted to say that … that if you want me to move out, then I will.'
A lump comes to my throat. I knew it. After twenty-one years, our friendship is over. One tiny secret comes out — and that's the end of everything.
'It's OK,' I say, trying not to burst into tears. 'I'll move out.'
'No!' says Lissy awkwardly. 'I'll move out. This isn't your fault, Emma. It's been me who's been … leading you on.'
'What?' I stare at her. 'Lissy, you haven't been leading me on!'
'Yes I have.' She looks stricken. 'I feel terrible. I just never realized you had … those kind of feelings.'
'I don't!'
'But I can see it all now! I've been walking around half-dressed, no wonder you were frustrated!'
'I wasn't frustrated,' I say quickly. 'Lissy, I'm not a lesbian.'
'Bisexual, then. Or "multi-oriented". Whatever term you want to use.'
'I'm not bisexual, either! Or multi-whatever it was.'
'Emma, please!' Lissy grabs my hand. 'Don't be ashamed of your sexuality. And I promise, I'll support you a hundred per cent, whatever choice you decide to make—'
'Lissy, I'm not bisexual!' I cry. 'I don't need support! I just had one dream, OK? It wasn't a fantasy, it was just a weird dream, which I didn't intend to have, and it doesn't mean I'm a lesbian, and it doesn't mean I fancy you, and it doesn't mean anything.'
'Oh.' There's silence. Lissy looks taken aback. 'Oh, right. I thought it was a … a … you know.' She clears her throat. 'That you wanted to …'
'No! I just had a dream. Just one, stupid dream.'
'Oh. Right.'
There's a long pause, during which Lissy looks intently at her fingernails, and I study the buckle of my watch.
'So, did we actually …' says Lissy at last.
Oh God.
'Kind of,' I admit.
'And … was I any good?'
'What?' I gape at her.
'In the dream.' She looks straight at me, her cheeks bright pink. 'Was I any good?'
'Lissy …' I say, pulling an agonized face.
'I was crap, wasn't I? I was crap! I knew it.'
'No, of course you weren't crap!' I exclaim. 'You were … you were really …'
I cannot believe I'm seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
'Look, can we just leave the subject? My day has been embarrassing enough already.'
'Oh. Oh God, yes,' says Lissy, suddenly full of remorse. 'Sorry. Emma. You must be feeling really …'
'Totally and utterly humiliated and betrayed?' I try to give a smile. 'Yup, that's pretty much how I feel.'
'Did anyone at the office see it, then?' says Lissy sympathetically.
'Did anyone at the office see it?' I wheel round. 'Lissy, they all saw it. They all knew it was me! And they were all laughing at me, and I just wanted to curl up and die …'
'Oh God,' says Lissy in distress. 'Really?'
'It was awful.' I close my eyes as fresh mortification washes over me. 'I have never been more embarrassed in my entire life. I have never felt more … exposed. The whole world knows I find G-strings uncomfortable and I don't really kick-box, and I've never read Dickens.' My voice is wobbling more and more, and then, with no warning, I give a huge sob. 'Oh God, Lissy. You were right. I feel such a complete … fool. He was just using me, right from the beginning. He was never really interested in me. I was just a … a market research project.'
'You don't know that!' she says in dismay.
'I do! Of course I do. That's why he was gripped. That's why he was so fascinated by everything I said. It wasn't because he loved me. It was because he realized he had his target customer, right next to him. The kind of normal, ordinary, girl-on-the-street he would never normally give the time of day to!' I give another huge sob. 'I mean, he said it on the television, didn't he? I'm just a nothing-special girl.'
'You are not,' says Lissy fiercely. 'You are not nothing-special!'
'I am! That's exactly what I am. I'm just an ordinary nothing. And I was so stupid, I believed it all. I honestly thought Jack loved me. I mean, maybe not exactly loved me.' I feel myself colour. 'But … you know. Felt about me like I felt about him.'
'I know.' Lissy looks like she wants to cry herself. 'I know you did.' She leans forward and gives me a huge hug.
Suddenly she draws awkwardly away. 'This isn't making you feel uncomfortable, is it? I mean, it's not … turning you on or anything—'
