Carnal Secrets
Page 43
She sighed, shrugging. “What do you want me to say? Sure, I wish things could be easier between my mother and me, but they’re not. At least she’s willing to try. That was more than I would have expected. It’s a relief my father seems to like you.”
“I’m not so sure he likes me, but he’s reconsidering the idea of shooting me with the Glock he’s carrying, which is good enough.”
Shaya smiled. “I wondered if you’d notice. He carries it everywhere.” She waved a hand. “No more about them. We have more important things to worry about.”
“Yes, unfortunately, we do.”
As it was important that Nick knew every inch of pack territory in preparation for the attack, Shaya took him on a thorough tour of the land while they were in their wolf forms after breakfast. She showed him every lake, every clearing, every hidden entrance to the caves. She even showed him the “hut”—the small building where trespassers were taken to be interrogated by Dante.
When they stopped at a particular lake, she shifted back to her human form. “This is my favorite spot on Phoenix land. Come on, I want to swim.”
Back in his human form, Nick glanced around, taking in his surroundings. Instantly, he understood. “You used to come here to be alone, didn’t you?” he asked, smiling. It was almost funny, considering she was so sociable.
“Yes,” she admitted, slowly going deeper and deeper into the lake. “Sometimes a girl likes a little alone time.”
He gasped in mock outrage. “All this time you’ve been poking fun at me for preferring solitude, and you actually have your own secret spot. I feel so betrayed.”
She laughed. “The main reason I used to come here a lot is that it reminds me of a spot in the land my dad and I used to go hunting on.”
Nick joined her in the water and pulled her against him, wanting her skin against his. “Tell me about these hunting trips.”
“Well, you know all shifters take their kids hunting; they shift into their animal forms and teach their kids how to hunt rabbits and other animals. Of course Stone couldn’t do that because he’s human. So he took me hunting with him in my human form. We used different weapons, eventually working up to shotguns and rifles. I like rifles best.”
“Your Alphas let you do that? Most shifters hate the use of weapons.”
“No, we weren’t allowed to hunt on pack territory. Occasionally, my dad would take me to a place called Oakdon Creek and rent the private hunting lodge there for a week. Well, ‘lodge’ isn’t really the right word. It was more like a huge rustic mansion. I used to love it—it was literally my favorite place in the world. It was peaceful and relaxing, yet wild and untamed. And it was my refuge too—or, at least, that was how it felt because they were the times when I wasn’t required to run around after my mother.”
“She had you doing that even as a kid?” Nick barely held back a growl.
Shaya shrugged, sliding her arms around his neck. “I was just a supply of attention to her.”
He rubbed a soothing hand up and down her upper back. “Do you and your dad still go on these trips?”
“No. When I was seventeen, the place was bought by a human company that hated shifters. They knew my dad belonged to a wolf pack and that I had to therefore be a half-shifter, so they saw him as a traitor and refused to let us rent the lodge anymore.”
Assholes. “How often did you used to come out here for some alone time?”
“I didn’t always come alone. Sometimes I’d bring Taryn. I also came here a lot with Marcus.” At Nick’s low growl, she quickly added, rolling her eyes, “We didn’t go swimming together. We just came and sat on that fallen tree over there whenever I needed to talk.”
“About what?” He found he didn’t like the idea of her confiding in another male.
“You. See, I never told anybody in the beginning. It was for two reasons, really. One, I was embarrassed and ashamed that my own mate didn’t appear to want me. Two, I knew that Taryn would break your nose and then the pack would force the claiming—I wanted you to come for me because you wanted me, no other reason. So I kept it to myself. But Marcus…He’d guessed I was upset about something, and he hounded me until I told him. Not out of nosiness; Marcus just has a very protective streak. He’s so easy to talk to that I found myself telling him about you being my true mate and stuff. Despite being an enforcer and very close to Trey, he kept the secret for me from even them.”
The idea of her feeling so embarrassed, of her carrying that painful secret around and feeling so unbelievably alone, almost put a lump in his throat. It also made him want to punch himself. “I’m glad you had someone here for you when I wasn’t.”
“Stop feeling guilty. You had your reasons; let it go.”
Like that would ever happen. Whether he’d meant to hurt her or not, he’d still caused his mate pain, and that was something he couldn’t forgive himself for. “Anyway, you don’t need Marcus anymore, you have me.”
“I can have friends too,” she chuckled.
He slid his hands down to cup that ass he loved. “Of course you can, and I’m sure you’ll still confide in them about things, but I’d like to think I’ll be your first port of call if you need to talk.”
That was when Shaya realized something—something she couldn’t believe she hadn’t noticed before. “You feel threatened by my close friendship with Taryn.”
“Not threatened exactly. But I see how much more open you are with her than with anyone else.” And it hurt that she wasn’t that open with him. He’d told her when he claimed her that he wouldn’t allow her to hold back from him anymore, that he wanted all of her. And he did have all of her…but he didn’t have her total trust, and that was one of the most important things to him.
Feeling that it wounded him, she softly said, “I trust you as much as I trust her.”
“But?” He could tell there was one.
“But…it’s different with Taryn. I don’t mean she’s more important to me than you. It’s hard to explain.” After a short pause, she spoke. “She was there for me when I needed someone—since I was four, she’s been that one constant thing that I knew I could rely on. But really, I never relied on her; I wouldn’t let myself rely on anyone. She gave me the comfort of knowing that if I did want to rely on someone, she was there. But she would never demand it from me, so there was no pressure.
“With you…it’s something I have to give you at some point, but I don’t know how to emotionally rely on another person, how to trust them. I know I can rely on you, and I do in some ways. But holding back a little…it’s like my safety cushion. It means that if things mess up, I’ve kept a part of me safe, so it won’t utterly destroy me. I don’t know how to trust that I don’t need a safety cushion; that you’re all the safety I need. But I am trying. I really am.”
To some extent, Nick could understand that. He’d never relied on others either. As a child, it had been an act of defiance, a determination to be independent in every sense—most alphas were like that as kids. But then he’d gone to juvie and there had been no one to rely on; all he’d had was himself. When he’d been released from juvie, it was to be thrust into the position of Alpha and have others relying on him.
It could be said that Nick had ignored his own needs for a very long time, which had been helped along by his inability to fully connect with people. But with Shaya, he wanted that connection; he didn’t resent that she would be someone who would need to be able to rely on him. He liked the idea of being her source of security, just the way he liked how she balanced him out. Where he was unsociable and withdrawn, she was outgoing and had an ease with people. Where he was hard and remote, she was life and sensuality. Where he was often too serious and intense, she was light and laughter. She made him live, forced him to crack the shell he had around himself and try to accept others in his life.
No one else had ever gotten so close to him, because he hadn’t wanted them to. But he didn’t hold back with Shaya, never had. That was why it pained him so much that she didn’t feel totally safe with him. The fact that she considered him in some way a danger to her caused an ache in his chest.
Sensing how bad he was hurting, Shaya wished she wasn’t so messed up. “I’m sorry.”
He held her even tighter to him, giving her a pointed look. “Hey, don’t you dare apologize for what you can’t give me. It’s my own fault anyway.”
“No, it’s not. Even if you had claimed me that very first night we met, this trust issue would still have been there. As if that isn’t bad enough, there’s the fact that dominant/submissive pairs find completing the mating link hard.”
“Only those who believe that a difference in status is a problem and feel that they can’t complement each other. I know you worry I’ll grow to resent that you’re not dominant, but that’s just dumb. I want you exactly as you are. I’ve never seen you as weak. You don’t hold me back in any sense; you make me stronger because you balance me out. And I balance you out.”
“You do?” she said with a smile, amused by the utter confidence in the latter words.
He nodded, nipping her lip. “You’ve always made me think of a butterfly. Vibrant, graceful, colorful. But there’s another reason why you make me think of a butterfly—you’re damn hard to pin down.” She chuckled. “It’s true. I used to watch you, see the way you flitted from place to place and person to person, never still…because you’re trying to live your life for both you and your sister.” He could tell she hadn’t thought of it that way before. He stroked the curls away from her face, cupping her cheek as he softly continued. “You can’t do that, baby. You can use her as motivation, but you can’t live for two people.”
Stunned, Shaya struggled to find words. “I didn’t realize that was what I was trying to do. But you’re right; I was.”
“And if I hadn’t pointed it out, you would probably always have done it. This is what I mean when I say I balance you out. I keep you settled in one place—with me. I anchor you, ground you, make sure you don’t neglect your own needs, stop you from feeling alone, and give you and your wolf the security you need…but I don’t smother you in any way or try to take away your independence in doing that.”
And all of that was exactly what she needed, Shaya knew. “I still can’t believe I hadn’t seen this with Mika before now. It’s not like it’s a little thing.”
“She wouldn’t want you to be doing this, because it would mean you weren’t living a full life.”
It would also mean she and Nick weren’t living a full life together, and that wasn’t acceptable. “I guess, in some ways, I did it because I always felt guilty for being alive when she wasn’t.”
“Your mother made you feel that way, Shay.” He’d happily cut that toxic woman from Shaya’s life if he didn’t think it would hurt her not to give her mother a second chance. “It was wrong of her to do that. But you can’t carry on trying to live for both of you.” Jokingly, he added, “After all, I can’t deal with two mates. One’s enough.”
Narrowing her eyes, Shaya slapped his shoulder and reflexively snapped, “I don’t share.” Realizing how dumb she’d sounded, she groaned inwardly.
“I’m glad to hear it, because neither do I. You’re all I want. And you’re not something I’m prepared to lose. Ever. I already know how it feels to try to live a life without you in it. I don’t want to feel that ever again.”
“You tried to leave me the day you had the memory lapse,” she pointed out.
“Not leave you.” He kissed her lightly. “Protect you, put you first. I’ll always do that.”
“But not by trying to leave me again.” It was half question, half statement.
He shook his head. “No, baby, not that. It might have worked before we’d claimed each other, but it wouldn’t work now. We’re linked, for better or worse.”
“You’re healed,” she insisted, knowing what he meant by “worse.”
He hoped so, because the alternative was that Shaya would spend her life with a mate who didn’t even know who she was. “Come here.” Sliding a hand into her hair, he angled her head and brought his mouth down on hers. The kiss was slow, leisurely, and soft enough to be teasing and make her push for more. It wasn’t long before her claws pricked into his back—a demand for more. As if she quickly understood the demand would only make him prolong the featherlight kiss, she retracted her claws and released a sigh of frustration into his mouth.
“Shh,” soothed Nick. “It’s okay. I have no intention of making you wait.” Not when an attack was looming—it brought with it an acute awareness of the fleeting nature of time. Tucking Shaya’s leg over his hip, he thrust deep inside her. His eyes didn’t leave hers even once as he slowly claimed her all over again with each and every stroke. She clung to him with an almost desperate hold, and he sensed just how worried she was that by holding back from him, she’d drive him away.
He rested his forehead against hers. “Let me ask you something. When you turned psycho on me that first night and bloodied me, did it drive me away? No. When you rejected me over and over, did I leave? No. When you went on a date with that goofy human, did that drive me away? No. I’ve told you from the very beginning that you’ll never make me give you up. Start believing that.”
“I’m not so sure he likes me, but he’s reconsidering the idea of shooting me with the Glock he’s carrying, which is good enough.”
Shaya smiled. “I wondered if you’d notice. He carries it everywhere.” She waved a hand. “No more about them. We have more important things to worry about.”
“Yes, unfortunately, we do.”
As it was important that Nick knew every inch of pack territory in preparation for the attack, Shaya took him on a thorough tour of the land while they were in their wolf forms after breakfast. She showed him every lake, every clearing, every hidden entrance to the caves. She even showed him the “hut”—the small building where trespassers were taken to be interrogated by Dante.
When they stopped at a particular lake, she shifted back to her human form. “This is my favorite spot on Phoenix land. Come on, I want to swim.”
Back in his human form, Nick glanced around, taking in his surroundings. Instantly, he understood. “You used to come here to be alone, didn’t you?” he asked, smiling. It was almost funny, considering she was so sociable.
“Yes,” she admitted, slowly going deeper and deeper into the lake. “Sometimes a girl likes a little alone time.”
He gasped in mock outrage. “All this time you’ve been poking fun at me for preferring solitude, and you actually have your own secret spot. I feel so betrayed.”
She laughed. “The main reason I used to come here a lot is that it reminds me of a spot in the land my dad and I used to go hunting on.”
Nick joined her in the water and pulled her against him, wanting her skin against his. “Tell me about these hunting trips.”
“Well, you know all shifters take their kids hunting; they shift into their animal forms and teach their kids how to hunt rabbits and other animals. Of course Stone couldn’t do that because he’s human. So he took me hunting with him in my human form. We used different weapons, eventually working up to shotguns and rifles. I like rifles best.”
“Your Alphas let you do that? Most shifters hate the use of weapons.”
“No, we weren’t allowed to hunt on pack territory. Occasionally, my dad would take me to a place called Oakdon Creek and rent the private hunting lodge there for a week. Well, ‘lodge’ isn’t really the right word. It was more like a huge rustic mansion. I used to love it—it was literally my favorite place in the world. It was peaceful and relaxing, yet wild and untamed. And it was my refuge too—or, at least, that was how it felt because they were the times when I wasn’t required to run around after my mother.”
“She had you doing that even as a kid?” Nick barely held back a growl.
Shaya shrugged, sliding her arms around his neck. “I was just a supply of attention to her.”
He rubbed a soothing hand up and down her upper back. “Do you and your dad still go on these trips?”
“No. When I was seventeen, the place was bought by a human company that hated shifters. They knew my dad belonged to a wolf pack and that I had to therefore be a half-shifter, so they saw him as a traitor and refused to let us rent the lodge anymore.”
Assholes. “How often did you used to come out here for some alone time?”
“I didn’t always come alone. Sometimes I’d bring Taryn. I also came here a lot with Marcus.” At Nick’s low growl, she quickly added, rolling her eyes, “We didn’t go swimming together. We just came and sat on that fallen tree over there whenever I needed to talk.”
“About what?” He found he didn’t like the idea of her confiding in another male.
“You. See, I never told anybody in the beginning. It was for two reasons, really. One, I was embarrassed and ashamed that my own mate didn’t appear to want me. Two, I knew that Taryn would break your nose and then the pack would force the claiming—I wanted you to come for me because you wanted me, no other reason. So I kept it to myself. But Marcus…He’d guessed I was upset about something, and he hounded me until I told him. Not out of nosiness; Marcus just has a very protective streak. He’s so easy to talk to that I found myself telling him about you being my true mate and stuff. Despite being an enforcer and very close to Trey, he kept the secret for me from even them.”
The idea of her feeling so embarrassed, of her carrying that painful secret around and feeling so unbelievably alone, almost put a lump in his throat. It also made him want to punch himself. “I’m glad you had someone here for you when I wasn’t.”
“Stop feeling guilty. You had your reasons; let it go.”
Like that would ever happen. Whether he’d meant to hurt her or not, he’d still caused his mate pain, and that was something he couldn’t forgive himself for. “Anyway, you don’t need Marcus anymore, you have me.”
“I can have friends too,” she chuckled.
He slid his hands down to cup that ass he loved. “Of course you can, and I’m sure you’ll still confide in them about things, but I’d like to think I’ll be your first port of call if you need to talk.”
That was when Shaya realized something—something she couldn’t believe she hadn’t noticed before. “You feel threatened by my close friendship with Taryn.”
“Not threatened exactly. But I see how much more open you are with her than with anyone else.” And it hurt that she wasn’t that open with him. He’d told her when he claimed her that he wouldn’t allow her to hold back from him anymore, that he wanted all of her. And he did have all of her…but he didn’t have her total trust, and that was one of the most important things to him.
Feeling that it wounded him, she softly said, “I trust you as much as I trust her.”
“But?” He could tell there was one.
“But…it’s different with Taryn. I don’t mean she’s more important to me than you. It’s hard to explain.” After a short pause, she spoke. “She was there for me when I needed someone—since I was four, she’s been that one constant thing that I knew I could rely on. But really, I never relied on her; I wouldn’t let myself rely on anyone. She gave me the comfort of knowing that if I did want to rely on someone, she was there. But she would never demand it from me, so there was no pressure.
“With you…it’s something I have to give you at some point, but I don’t know how to emotionally rely on another person, how to trust them. I know I can rely on you, and I do in some ways. But holding back a little…it’s like my safety cushion. It means that if things mess up, I’ve kept a part of me safe, so it won’t utterly destroy me. I don’t know how to trust that I don’t need a safety cushion; that you’re all the safety I need. But I am trying. I really am.”
To some extent, Nick could understand that. He’d never relied on others either. As a child, it had been an act of defiance, a determination to be independent in every sense—most alphas were like that as kids. But then he’d gone to juvie and there had been no one to rely on; all he’d had was himself. When he’d been released from juvie, it was to be thrust into the position of Alpha and have others relying on him.
It could be said that Nick had ignored his own needs for a very long time, which had been helped along by his inability to fully connect with people. But with Shaya, he wanted that connection; he didn’t resent that she would be someone who would need to be able to rely on him. He liked the idea of being her source of security, just the way he liked how she balanced him out. Where he was unsociable and withdrawn, she was outgoing and had an ease with people. Where he was hard and remote, she was life and sensuality. Where he was often too serious and intense, she was light and laughter. She made him live, forced him to crack the shell he had around himself and try to accept others in his life.
No one else had ever gotten so close to him, because he hadn’t wanted them to. But he didn’t hold back with Shaya, never had. That was why it pained him so much that she didn’t feel totally safe with him. The fact that she considered him in some way a danger to her caused an ache in his chest.
Sensing how bad he was hurting, Shaya wished she wasn’t so messed up. “I’m sorry.”
He held her even tighter to him, giving her a pointed look. “Hey, don’t you dare apologize for what you can’t give me. It’s my own fault anyway.”
“No, it’s not. Even if you had claimed me that very first night we met, this trust issue would still have been there. As if that isn’t bad enough, there’s the fact that dominant/submissive pairs find completing the mating link hard.”
“Only those who believe that a difference in status is a problem and feel that they can’t complement each other. I know you worry I’ll grow to resent that you’re not dominant, but that’s just dumb. I want you exactly as you are. I’ve never seen you as weak. You don’t hold me back in any sense; you make me stronger because you balance me out. And I balance you out.”
“You do?” she said with a smile, amused by the utter confidence in the latter words.
He nodded, nipping her lip. “You’ve always made me think of a butterfly. Vibrant, graceful, colorful. But there’s another reason why you make me think of a butterfly—you’re damn hard to pin down.” She chuckled. “It’s true. I used to watch you, see the way you flitted from place to place and person to person, never still…because you’re trying to live your life for both you and your sister.” He could tell she hadn’t thought of it that way before. He stroked the curls away from her face, cupping her cheek as he softly continued. “You can’t do that, baby. You can use her as motivation, but you can’t live for two people.”
Stunned, Shaya struggled to find words. “I didn’t realize that was what I was trying to do. But you’re right; I was.”
“And if I hadn’t pointed it out, you would probably always have done it. This is what I mean when I say I balance you out. I keep you settled in one place—with me. I anchor you, ground you, make sure you don’t neglect your own needs, stop you from feeling alone, and give you and your wolf the security you need…but I don’t smother you in any way or try to take away your independence in doing that.”
And all of that was exactly what she needed, Shaya knew. “I still can’t believe I hadn’t seen this with Mika before now. It’s not like it’s a little thing.”
“She wouldn’t want you to be doing this, because it would mean you weren’t living a full life.”
It would also mean she and Nick weren’t living a full life together, and that wasn’t acceptable. “I guess, in some ways, I did it because I always felt guilty for being alive when she wasn’t.”
“Your mother made you feel that way, Shay.” He’d happily cut that toxic woman from Shaya’s life if he didn’t think it would hurt her not to give her mother a second chance. “It was wrong of her to do that. But you can’t carry on trying to live for both of you.” Jokingly, he added, “After all, I can’t deal with two mates. One’s enough.”
Narrowing her eyes, Shaya slapped his shoulder and reflexively snapped, “I don’t share.” Realizing how dumb she’d sounded, she groaned inwardly.
“I’m glad to hear it, because neither do I. You’re all I want. And you’re not something I’m prepared to lose. Ever. I already know how it feels to try to live a life without you in it. I don’t want to feel that ever again.”
“You tried to leave me the day you had the memory lapse,” she pointed out.
“Not leave you.” He kissed her lightly. “Protect you, put you first. I’ll always do that.”
“But not by trying to leave me again.” It was half question, half statement.
He shook his head. “No, baby, not that. It might have worked before we’d claimed each other, but it wouldn’t work now. We’re linked, for better or worse.”
“You’re healed,” she insisted, knowing what he meant by “worse.”
He hoped so, because the alternative was that Shaya would spend her life with a mate who didn’t even know who she was. “Come here.” Sliding a hand into her hair, he angled her head and brought his mouth down on hers. The kiss was slow, leisurely, and soft enough to be teasing and make her push for more. It wasn’t long before her claws pricked into his back—a demand for more. As if she quickly understood the demand would only make him prolong the featherlight kiss, she retracted her claws and released a sigh of frustration into his mouth.
“Shh,” soothed Nick. “It’s okay. I have no intention of making you wait.” Not when an attack was looming—it brought with it an acute awareness of the fleeting nature of time. Tucking Shaya’s leg over his hip, he thrust deep inside her. His eyes didn’t leave hers even once as he slowly claimed her all over again with each and every stroke. She clung to him with an almost desperate hold, and he sensed just how worried she was that by holding back from him, she’d drive him away.
He rested his forehead against hers. “Let me ask you something. When you turned psycho on me that first night and bloodied me, did it drive me away? No. When you rejected me over and over, did I leave? No. When you went on a date with that goofy human, did that drive me away? No. I’ve told you from the very beginning that you’ll never make me give you up. Start believing that.”
