Carnal Secrets
Page 6
Oh shit. Shaya tried shoving him away, but it had zero effect. In fact, he didn’t seem to notice. By the way his body tensed as if to spring, she had expected him to jump into action, for his hands to skate all over her and his mouth to come down forcefully on hers. Instead, he simply began to sip from her lips and nip at the curve of her inactive mouth. When he sucked her bottom lip and bit it gently—a total weak spot for her—she couldn’t hold back the low, contented sigh.
Then he was sipping from her lips again…seducing her mouth, she suddenly realized. And it had worked. Although she had told herself that she would push him away, she was actually chasing his mouth with hers, wanting more, but he pulled back each time. She understood the message: she’d get what he gave her, nothing more. Instead of using his physical strength to assert his dominance, he’d literally seduced her into submission. Sneaky. Fucking. Wolf. She would have pulled back, but then his mouth landed on hers and took total control of it.
Nick groaned as her taste burst on his tongue, practically imprinting itself into him. He slid his hands into her hair and tugged, feeling her shiver against him. For so f**king long he’d wanted this, wanted her. Touching her wasn’t easing the urges as he’d expected. Instead, sensations were crawling all over and through him. Worse, he was being taunted by a crushing, primal need all tangled up with a heavy sense of possessiveness and a fierce drive to own. He was thinking of pushing her against the wall and ripping the clothes from her body when he felt her suddenly tense in his arms.
Surprised by her own strength, Shaya abruptly tore her mouth from his and used the hands that had been plastered to his chest to push him back—the effect was more of her bouncing backward. “Enough.” Hating that she had responded so enthusiastically to his touch, she skirted around him to put some space between them again, holding her hand up to warn him off. It didn’t work. He advanced on her. Not quickly, but slowly and stealthily, like a predator prowling toward skittish prey. “It’s too late.”
Hating the pain in her eyes, he wanted to punch himself. “You’re not the only one who’s been hurting, Shay. Yes, it’s my fault—I have no one to blame but myself. But I won’t ever hurt you like that again.”
A part of Shaya wanted to believe his promise, was hooked on how earnest he looked and sounded, and was totally hung up on just how much more alive she had felt in these moments with him than she had in the last six months. But she was simply too hurt and wary to take the gamble. “Just go.”
“Not without you.”
“You have no choice in the matter. I can’t go with you.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t trust you!”
Nick felt as though she’d punched him. The breath left his lungs in a whoosh. It didn’t matter that it was his own fault, and it wasn’t even a surprise, but it still hurt like a motherfucker.
“I don’t trust you not to hurt me. I don’t trust you not to leave me again.”
Something about the way she’d said the latter words had Nick narrowing his eyes. This wasn’t just about him. Being left was a big thing for her, and there was clearly a story behind that. He cupped her chin. “That’s not going to happen.”
She snickered, slapping his hand aside. “How do I know that? Huh? How do I know you won’t suddenly decide that not being Alpha isn’t working for you? That you need to leave me behind because it’s ‘not safe’ for me to be your Alpha female? I’m not going through that shit again. You had your chance to claim me, and you f**ked it up. Now go.”
Not a thing could have made Nick move from where he was except for the tears now filling her eyes. He wanted to hold her and comfort her, but if she didn’t trust him, the last thing she would feel was comforted. So far, he hadn’t respected any of her wishes. If he had any chance of earning her trust, he needed to start now.
Forcing himself to ignore his wolf’s and his body’s demands, Nick stepped back and held his hands up in a placatory gesture. “Okay. If that’s really what you want, I’ll go. But I’m not leaving for good, Shay. I’m not abandoning you again.” He could see that his words had surprised her. “Repeat that to me.”
Scared that he would sense that a small part of her wanted him to stay, Shaya turned her back to him. “Just go.”
“Not until you repeat it. Not until I’m positive that you understand I’m not leaving you again.”
Prepared to do whatever it took to get him away from her, she mumbled, “You’re not leaving.”
Nick gave a satisfied nod. “I’ll see you soon.” When he reached the doorway, he called out, “Oh, and don’t think about running. I’ll only find you again. Feel free to call Taryn and ask her to come get you, but I won’t let her or anyone else take you. I’ll kill anyone who tries. I’ve hurt you, I get that. We can take this as slow as you want. But I will claim you, Shay. You’re mine. I’m not staying away from you anymore.”
When the front door closed behind him, Shaya let loose a string of curses. But this time, she wasn’t cursing Nick. She was cursing herself. It was pathetic how easily and strongly she had responded to his touch. Maybe it would be fair to say that it was only natural, given that he was her mate, but it still galled her. His touch had left a tingle of fire in its wake, and now her cheeks were flushed and her entire body was crying out for him.
Her gaze moved to the cordless phone on the coffee table, and she briefly considered making a call to Taryn. The thought left her mind even quicker than it came. She could easily anticipate what would happen: Taryn, Trey, and some of the enforcers would appear, and every one of them would go ballistic at Nick. He would defend himself, and being as powerful as he was, he’d do extremely well at it. In other words, people she cared about could be hurt. Although she was mad at Nick, she didn’t want him to be seriously hurt either. All she wanted was for him to stay away from her, to let her live her life.
But is that really what you want? asked a skeptical voice inside her head—one that totally supported her wolf’s urge to claim him.
Yes, it was.
Are you sure about that?
Oh, for God’s sake. As if it wasn’t bad enough that she was having a war with Nick, she was also having one with herself and her wolf. This was not good. Not. Good. At. All.
CHAPTER THREE
Reaching the end of Shaya’s driveway, Nick exhaled a heavy breath. Well, things could have gone a lot worse. The bat could have knocked off his head, for instance. That merciless streak had been a shock. Maybe he should have paid more heed to her yard warning sign: TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT, SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN. And then there was the COME BACK WITH A WARRANT doormat. Yep, it was fair to say there had been some hints.
The fact that he’d had to place his mate unconscious for his own safety was something he’d never forget. Both Nick and his wolf loved that spark of fire in her. Despite being a submissive wolf, she hadn’t hesitated in challenging him verbally or physically. That was a good thing—it was important to him that his mate never feared him or his level of dominance. It would cut him open if that were to ever happen.
As he walked a short distance and rounded the street to find his motor home, which had been his place of residence for the past six months, he noticed that someone was leaning against it—a very familiar someone.
Derren’s muscular form stepped out of the shadows. “How did it go?” When the ex-bodyguard’s dark gaze fell on the small wound on Nick’s head, he grinned. “Not so well, huh?”
Nick smiled; he was actually proud of her for bloodying him. “Didn’t I fire you?”
“Multiple times.”
In reality, Nick hadn’t hired Derren in the first place. Back when they were in juvie together, Nick had saved Derren’s life. The wolf had then taken it upon himself to appoint himself as Nick’s bodyguard and escort him everywhere—which it seemed he intended to do until he finally returned the favor. It hadn’t mattered what Nick had said or done, he hadn’t been able to shake Derren off. “I asked you to stay with Jon. He’s Alpha now, and he’ll need you.”
Derren snorted. “Jon can take care of himself. So can you, but you’re stuck with me—you know this already.”
Sighing, Nick shook his head. “I told you, you don’t owe me anything.” As usual, Derren ignored Nick’s grumbling. “How did you find me anyway? I would have noticed if you had been following me.”
“I stayed with Jon long enough to be sure the pack didn’t give him any problems. As I’m sure you already know, he’s doing fine, and he’s been accepted. Though everyone misses you, they understand why you had to leave. As soon as I heard you’d located your mate, I tracked you down using the info you gave Jon this morning. I only got here about ten minutes ago. It must piss you off to know that you’ve been driving from state to state and she was only five hours away from your home.”
It did. But something else pissed him off more. “It’s not going to be easy to get her to leave with me.”
Derren’s expression was sympathetic. “You already knew that. Maybe if you told her everything—and I mean everything—it might help her understand.”
“You’re right. But there’s a problem with that.”
“Which is?”
“Shaya has a big heart, and she’d immediately feel sorry for me. I don’t want her to give me a chance because she feels bad for me.”
“You want to earn her trust.”
Nick nodded. “And that may take a while.” As a particularly sharp, agonizing pain sliced through his head, he winced.
“Headaches getting more frequent?”
The truth was that the headaches had started again two months ago and had very gradually increased in frequency and intensity until he often had one or two each day. Yes, chronic headaches had been a major problem when his cognitive functions first began to degenerate, but that didn’t mean that the same thing was happening again. Headaches could be caused by plenty of things—stress, exhaustion, and emotional tension. There was no denying there had been plenty of that in his life lately. Plus, his father had suffered from chronic headaches most of his adult life; it could be hereditary. “It doesn’t have to mean anything.”
“Of course it doesn’t. As long as it’s only headaches we’re talking about. If the memory lapses, muscle tremors, or periods of mental disorientation come back, you can’t ignore it.”
“I won’t.” But he refused to let fear keep him away from Shaya ever again. So unless the other symptoms returned, he wouldn’t allow himself to even speculate if the headaches were anything to be worried about. Unlocking the door to his motor home, Nick said, “I need painkillers and sleep. You need to go home. Once again, I’m firing you.”
Derren gave him a curt nod. “If that’s what you want.”
What Nick wanted was Shaya. But he fully understood that the process of winning her trust would be gradual. She was upset, confused, and angry—and justifiably so. He knew he was going to need to be patient, understanding, and sensitive. Patient he could do—he was more patient than most. Understanding and sensitive…He wasn’t much good at that stuff, never had been, so this would be new territory.
He’d have to resist kissing her again. He wouldn’t stop touching her altogether—he needed her comfortable with and used to his touch. But if he laid another heavy kiss on her, she might think he was trying to use their attraction against her to persuade her. Being that they were mates and the urges were so strong, it probably wouldn’t be hard to seduce her. But he didn’t want that to be why she came to him. He wanted it to be about more than the physical side of things. Unfortunately, resisting her was going to be hard as all shit since he was literally hardwired—body, mind, heart, and soul—to want her.
Groveling wouldn’t do him any good—not that he knew how to grovel anyway—because the last thing Shaya would ever be attracted to or respect was someone worthy of pity. His and his wolf’s pride would balk at it anyway. There was apologizing, and there was acting like a desperate, creepy a**hole. He’d done the whole apologizing thing, and now he needed to show her that it hadn’t been an empty apology.
To achieve that, what he needed right now was a solid plan of action. Nick had always been good with plans. He’d have to insert himself in her life, show her he was there to stay. Words would never be enough, particularly since she didn’t trust him. He would need to be persistent, but not push her, not seem as though he was putting pressure on her as that would only worsen the situation.
God, he was going to have to do the gift thing too, wasn’t he? He was bad at that. He knew that Shaya wouldn’t want clichés. No, she was the type to appreciate personal gestures. But what were personal gestures? Shit, this was going to be hard as hell. Nick didn’t do romance, never had.
Another thing he would be sure not to do was expect anything in return. He would take things at her pace…but he wouldn’t let her make him give up. He couldn’t. He truly hadn’t known it was possible for him to feel pain on this scale, hadn’t realized it was possible to feel so torn up inside. He’d known different types of pain in his life, but none of it equaled this—not what had happened to make his wolf surface, not what had happened that got him sent to juvie, and not even finding out that his cognitive functions were degenerating. None of it equaled the pain of being without his mate. He knew without a doubt that nothing could.
Then he was sipping from her lips again…seducing her mouth, she suddenly realized. And it had worked. Although she had told herself that she would push him away, she was actually chasing his mouth with hers, wanting more, but he pulled back each time. She understood the message: she’d get what he gave her, nothing more. Instead of using his physical strength to assert his dominance, he’d literally seduced her into submission. Sneaky. Fucking. Wolf. She would have pulled back, but then his mouth landed on hers and took total control of it.
Nick groaned as her taste burst on his tongue, practically imprinting itself into him. He slid his hands into her hair and tugged, feeling her shiver against him. For so f**king long he’d wanted this, wanted her. Touching her wasn’t easing the urges as he’d expected. Instead, sensations were crawling all over and through him. Worse, he was being taunted by a crushing, primal need all tangled up with a heavy sense of possessiveness and a fierce drive to own. He was thinking of pushing her against the wall and ripping the clothes from her body when he felt her suddenly tense in his arms.
Surprised by her own strength, Shaya abruptly tore her mouth from his and used the hands that had been plastered to his chest to push him back—the effect was more of her bouncing backward. “Enough.” Hating that she had responded so enthusiastically to his touch, she skirted around him to put some space between them again, holding her hand up to warn him off. It didn’t work. He advanced on her. Not quickly, but slowly and stealthily, like a predator prowling toward skittish prey. “It’s too late.”
Hating the pain in her eyes, he wanted to punch himself. “You’re not the only one who’s been hurting, Shay. Yes, it’s my fault—I have no one to blame but myself. But I won’t ever hurt you like that again.”
A part of Shaya wanted to believe his promise, was hooked on how earnest he looked and sounded, and was totally hung up on just how much more alive she had felt in these moments with him than she had in the last six months. But she was simply too hurt and wary to take the gamble. “Just go.”
“Not without you.”
“You have no choice in the matter. I can’t go with you.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t trust you!”
Nick felt as though she’d punched him. The breath left his lungs in a whoosh. It didn’t matter that it was his own fault, and it wasn’t even a surprise, but it still hurt like a motherfucker.
“I don’t trust you not to hurt me. I don’t trust you not to leave me again.”
Something about the way she’d said the latter words had Nick narrowing his eyes. This wasn’t just about him. Being left was a big thing for her, and there was clearly a story behind that. He cupped her chin. “That’s not going to happen.”
She snickered, slapping his hand aside. “How do I know that? Huh? How do I know you won’t suddenly decide that not being Alpha isn’t working for you? That you need to leave me behind because it’s ‘not safe’ for me to be your Alpha female? I’m not going through that shit again. You had your chance to claim me, and you f**ked it up. Now go.”
Not a thing could have made Nick move from where he was except for the tears now filling her eyes. He wanted to hold her and comfort her, but if she didn’t trust him, the last thing she would feel was comforted. So far, he hadn’t respected any of her wishes. If he had any chance of earning her trust, he needed to start now.
Forcing himself to ignore his wolf’s and his body’s demands, Nick stepped back and held his hands up in a placatory gesture. “Okay. If that’s really what you want, I’ll go. But I’m not leaving for good, Shay. I’m not abandoning you again.” He could see that his words had surprised her. “Repeat that to me.”
Scared that he would sense that a small part of her wanted him to stay, Shaya turned her back to him. “Just go.”
“Not until you repeat it. Not until I’m positive that you understand I’m not leaving you again.”
Prepared to do whatever it took to get him away from her, she mumbled, “You’re not leaving.”
Nick gave a satisfied nod. “I’ll see you soon.” When he reached the doorway, he called out, “Oh, and don’t think about running. I’ll only find you again. Feel free to call Taryn and ask her to come get you, but I won’t let her or anyone else take you. I’ll kill anyone who tries. I’ve hurt you, I get that. We can take this as slow as you want. But I will claim you, Shay. You’re mine. I’m not staying away from you anymore.”
When the front door closed behind him, Shaya let loose a string of curses. But this time, she wasn’t cursing Nick. She was cursing herself. It was pathetic how easily and strongly she had responded to his touch. Maybe it would be fair to say that it was only natural, given that he was her mate, but it still galled her. His touch had left a tingle of fire in its wake, and now her cheeks were flushed and her entire body was crying out for him.
Her gaze moved to the cordless phone on the coffee table, and she briefly considered making a call to Taryn. The thought left her mind even quicker than it came. She could easily anticipate what would happen: Taryn, Trey, and some of the enforcers would appear, and every one of them would go ballistic at Nick. He would defend himself, and being as powerful as he was, he’d do extremely well at it. In other words, people she cared about could be hurt. Although she was mad at Nick, she didn’t want him to be seriously hurt either. All she wanted was for him to stay away from her, to let her live her life.
But is that really what you want? asked a skeptical voice inside her head—one that totally supported her wolf’s urge to claim him.
Yes, it was.
Are you sure about that?
Oh, for God’s sake. As if it wasn’t bad enough that she was having a war with Nick, she was also having one with herself and her wolf. This was not good. Not. Good. At. All.
CHAPTER THREE
Reaching the end of Shaya’s driveway, Nick exhaled a heavy breath. Well, things could have gone a lot worse. The bat could have knocked off his head, for instance. That merciless streak had been a shock. Maybe he should have paid more heed to her yard warning sign: TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT, SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN. And then there was the COME BACK WITH A WARRANT doormat. Yep, it was fair to say there had been some hints.
The fact that he’d had to place his mate unconscious for his own safety was something he’d never forget. Both Nick and his wolf loved that spark of fire in her. Despite being a submissive wolf, she hadn’t hesitated in challenging him verbally or physically. That was a good thing—it was important to him that his mate never feared him or his level of dominance. It would cut him open if that were to ever happen.
As he walked a short distance and rounded the street to find his motor home, which had been his place of residence for the past six months, he noticed that someone was leaning against it—a very familiar someone.
Derren’s muscular form stepped out of the shadows. “How did it go?” When the ex-bodyguard’s dark gaze fell on the small wound on Nick’s head, he grinned. “Not so well, huh?”
Nick smiled; he was actually proud of her for bloodying him. “Didn’t I fire you?”
“Multiple times.”
In reality, Nick hadn’t hired Derren in the first place. Back when they were in juvie together, Nick had saved Derren’s life. The wolf had then taken it upon himself to appoint himself as Nick’s bodyguard and escort him everywhere—which it seemed he intended to do until he finally returned the favor. It hadn’t mattered what Nick had said or done, he hadn’t been able to shake Derren off. “I asked you to stay with Jon. He’s Alpha now, and he’ll need you.”
Derren snorted. “Jon can take care of himself. So can you, but you’re stuck with me—you know this already.”
Sighing, Nick shook his head. “I told you, you don’t owe me anything.” As usual, Derren ignored Nick’s grumbling. “How did you find me anyway? I would have noticed if you had been following me.”
“I stayed with Jon long enough to be sure the pack didn’t give him any problems. As I’m sure you already know, he’s doing fine, and he’s been accepted. Though everyone misses you, they understand why you had to leave. As soon as I heard you’d located your mate, I tracked you down using the info you gave Jon this morning. I only got here about ten minutes ago. It must piss you off to know that you’ve been driving from state to state and she was only five hours away from your home.”
It did. But something else pissed him off more. “It’s not going to be easy to get her to leave with me.”
Derren’s expression was sympathetic. “You already knew that. Maybe if you told her everything—and I mean everything—it might help her understand.”
“You’re right. But there’s a problem with that.”
“Which is?”
“Shaya has a big heart, and she’d immediately feel sorry for me. I don’t want her to give me a chance because she feels bad for me.”
“You want to earn her trust.”
Nick nodded. “And that may take a while.” As a particularly sharp, agonizing pain sliced through his head, he winced.
“Headaches getting more frequent?”
The truth was that the headaches had started again two months ago and had very gradually increased in frequency and intensity until he often had one or two each day. Yes, chronic headaches had been a major problem when his cognitive functions first began to degenerate, but that didn’t mean that the same thing was happening again. Headaches could be caused by plenty of things—stress, exhaustion, and emotional tension. There was no denying there had been plenty of that in his life lately. Plus, his father had suffered from chronic headaches most of his adult life; it could be hereditary. “It doesn’t have to mean anything.”
“Of course it doesn’t. As long as it’s only headaches we’re talking about. If the memory lapses, muscle tremors, or periods of mental disorientation come back, you can’t ignore it.”
“I won’t.” But he refused to let fear keep him away from Shaya ever again. So unless the other symptoms returned, he wouldn’t allow himself to even speculate if the headaches were anything to be worried about. Unlocking the door to his motor home, Nick said, “I need painkillers and sleep. You need to go home. Once again, I’m firing you.”
Derren gave him a curt nod. “If that’s what you want.”
What Nick wanted was Shaya. But he fully understood that the process of winning her trust would be gradual. She was upset, confused, and angry—and justifiably so. He knew he was going to need to be patient, understanding, and sensitive. Patient he could do—he was more patient than most. Understanding and sensitive…He wasn’t much good at that stuff, never had been, so this would be new territory.
He’d have to resist kissing her again. He wouldn’t stop touching her altogether—he needed her comfortable with and used to his touch. But if he laid another heavy kiss on her, she might think he was trying to use their attraction against her to persuade her. Being that they were mates and the urges were so strong, it probably wouldn’t be hard to seduce her. But he didn’t want that to be why she came to him. He wanted it to be about more than the physical side of things. Unfortunately, resisting her was going to be hard as all shit since he was literally hardwired—body, mind, heart, and soul—to want her.
Groveling wouldn’t do him any good—not that he knew how to grovel anyway—because the last thing Shaya would ever be attracted to or respect was someone worthy of pity. His and his wolf’s pride would balk at it anyway. There was apologizing, and there was acting like a desperate, creepy a**hole. He’d done the whole apologizing thing, and now he needed to show her that it hadn’t been an empty apology.
To achieve that, what he needed right now was a solid plan of action. Nick had always been good with plans. He’d have to insert himself in her life, show her he was there to stay. Words would never be enough, particularly since she didn’t trust him. He would need to be persistent, but not push her, not seem as though he was putting pressure on her as that would only worsen the situation.
God, he was going to have to do the gift thing too, wasn’t he? He was bad at that. He knew that Shaya wouldn’t want clichés. No, she was the type to appreciate personal gestures. But what were personal gestures? Shit, this was going to be hard as hell. Nick didn’t do romance, never had.
Another thing he would be sure not to do was expect anything in return. He would take things at her pace…but he wouldn’t let her make him give up. He couldn’t. He truly hadn’t known it was possible for him to feel pain on this scale, hadn’t realized it was possible to feel so torn up inside. He’d known different types of pain in his life, but none of it equaled this—not what had happened to make his wolf surface, not what had happened that got him sent to juvie, and not even finding out that his cognitive functions were degenerating. None of it equaled the pain of being without his mate. He knew without a doubt that nothing could.
