Carter Reed
Page 61
From the knowing tone in his voice, I stopped dead. My heart even held for a moment. “Have you done that?”
“To the woman I love? No. To those who would hurt her? Yes.”
I was struck speechless again. Carter hadn’t blinked an eye when he responded. He seemed calm even. He was, I shivered, the cold-blooded stranger to me again.
“That boyfriend of hers-”
“He wasn’t really her boyfriend. He never had been.”
“He wanted to be. I’m guessing he was pissed when she dated Dunvan. I’m guessing he thought he had put in his time, waited it out for her to finish with the last guy and he was next in line. Then when she started dating Dunvan, he was over all the time. He was calling? Maybe even stopping by the apartment when she was out with him?”
How did he know this?
Carter continued, “When you went to him, he was able to be the knight in shining armor. I bet he loved that. He had it in the bag. He probably convinced her that first night that she couldn’t stand the feel of Dunvan’s touch, she wanted another man’s touch.”
“She didn’t want to feel him anymore. She wanted to feel me. She wanted another man’s touch.”
I remembered Ben’s words and the scratches down his back. He hadn’t even looked remorseful except that she was crying. He had made her cry again.
“Emma?”
I focused on Carter again and blinked, startled. Why did he have to be so beautiful? And his wolf eyes, icy blues. Why did he have to save me? I murmured, “You should’ve left me alone.”
He drew in a deep breath.
I kept going, numb now. “You should’ve let them kill me back then. I could’ve been with AJ all these years. You would’ve been fine. You were going places. You got accepted to college before. Why didn’t you go?”
He leaned back against the counter. His arms slipped to my hips and he held me loosely between his feet. “You want to have this conversation now?”
“Indulge me.”
He stared at me, studying me. “Why now?”
I shrugged, turning away.
He caught my chin and pulled me back. “Why, Emma? What’s going on in that head of yours?”
I didn’t move from his hold. I wanted to lean into him. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me again and I wanted everything to go away. But it wouldn’t. She was dead. I had felt it. I knew something was wrong, but Amanda convinced me everything was fine. I had bought it. I really thought Mallory was happy somewhere, off with him, but Carter was right. Ben had done all of those things.
“You’re right.”
“About?”
Everything hurt. “About Ben. He said she wanted another man’s touch. I thought he really loved her.”
“He was sick in the head.” He tugged me closer to him. I closed my eyes when he moved to my neck and pressed a kiss there. I belonged to him. Why did I even fight against it sometimes? A feeling of being claimed, liking it, was mixed with emptiness. Mallory should’ve been alive. She wasn’t. I was, and I was with Carter. I was with my soul mate while she had her baby cut out of her.
He murmured against my skin, “You tried to save her, but you can’t give your life for hers. She’s gone, Emma.”
A shudder went through me.
“She brought Dunvan into your lives. You were all doomed the second that happened.” He pulled on my arm. “You know I’m right. Somewhere in there, you know I’m right. You can be angry at her.”
My head whipped to his. “She just died.”
“She died a long time ago,” he said flatly. “You know that. You’ve always known that.”
I shook my head. “This is why you should’ve let me go. None of this would’ve happened. She might not have met him. I wouldn’t have even been her roommate. Maybe I was supposed to die, Carter. Maybe you weren’t supposed to save me or kill all those guys for AJ-”
“I killed them for you. They were looking for you. I wasn’t going to let that happen.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t stop shaking my head. “It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. She shouldn’t have died like that. I should’ve stayed-”
He gripped my arms and anchored me in front of him. “Stop it, Emma. Stop it right now.”
“No. Why didn’t you take her to a safehouse? She could still be alive. Her baby could be alive!”
“Because there were too many of you. Too many variables. Too many consequences. I couldn’t trust them, any of them.”
“But—”
“Too many questions. They would’ve asked too many questions and they couldn’t have lived their lives. Your friend Amanda couldn’t have lived her life. Any of them, they could’ve stabbed us from the inside.” His tone gentled, “I don’t let just anyone in. You should know that, of all people.”
I shook my head. This wasn’t helping. “She shouldn’t have died—”
“Stop!”
“I handed her to him!” I yelled, yanking away from him. “I saved her from one monster and I gave her to another. She never had a chance. She never had a chance, Carter. How am I supposed to be okay with that? She was my best friend. She never drank. She never smoked. Guys were her thing. She went from one guy to the next. She was never loved and I...” I hadn’t stopped any of it.
“She wasn’t your responsibility.”
I glared at him. “Then you’re not my responsibility. Then I’m not your responsibility.”
A scowl came over him, but he remained silent.
“I loved her. She was family. She was my responsibility. She was broken. You have no idea.”
His eyebrow lifted. “I don’t know broken people? Bullshit.”
I froze at his anger.
“You’ve been broken since AJ died. You were broken even before that, when your parents died.”
I turned away. I didn’t want to hear this.
An arm came around my waist and he trapped me, pulling me backwards against his chest. He continued, speaking into my ear, “Maybe this isn’t the right time for this speech, but you’re not responsible for her. You never were. You cared about her and you tried to help her, but that’s all you could’ve done. You’re not a god. You’re definitely not her God. You did what you could do. You went above and beyond for your friend, something I’d be lucky to have. And I’m guessing that she knew it. She knew you were a good friend, but she probably knew you needed to save yourself. You did that. You can’t blame yourself.”
“To the woman I love? No. To those who would hurt her? Yes.”
I was struck speechless again. Carter hadn’t blinked an eye when he responded. He seemed calm even. He was, I shivered, the cold-blooded stranger to me again.
“That boyfriend of hers-”
“He wasn’t really her boyfriend. He never had been.”
“He wanted to be. I’m guessing he was pissed when she dated Dunvan. I’m guessing he thought he had put in his time, waited it out for her to finish with the last guy and he was next in line. Then when she started dating Dunvan, he was over all the time. He was calling? Maybe even stopping by the apartment when she was out with him?”
How did he know this?
Carter continued, “When you went to him, he was able to be the knight in shining armor. I bet he loved that. He had it in the bag. He probably convinced her that first night that she couldn’t stand the feel of Dunvan’s touch, she wanted another man’s touch.”
“She didn’t want to feel him anymore. She wanted to feel me. She wanted another man’s touch.”
I remembered Ben’s words and the scratches down his back. He hadn’t even looked remorseful except that she was crying. He had made her cry again.
“Emma?”
I focused on Carter again and blinked, startled. Why did he have to be so beautiful? And his wolf eyes, icy blues. Why did he have to save me? I murmured, “You should’ve left me alone.”
He drew in a deep breath.
I kept going, numb now. “You should’ve let them kill me back then. I could’ve been with AJ all these years. You would’ve been fine. You were going places. You got accepted to college before. Why didn’t you go?”
He leaned back against the counter. His arms slipped to my hips and he held me loosely between his feet. “You want to have this conversation now?”
“Indulge me.”
He stared at me, studying me. “Why now?”
I shrugged, turning away.
He caught my chin and pulled me back. “Why, Emma? What’s going on in that head of yours?”
I didn’t move from his hold. I wanted to lean into him. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me again and I wanted everything to go away. But it wouldn’t. She was dead. I had felt it. I knew something was wrong, but Amanda convinced me everything was fine. I had bought it. I really thought Mallory was happy somewhere, off with him, but Carter was right. Ben had done all of those things.
“You’re right.”
“About?”
Everything hurt. “About Ben. He said she wanted another man’s touch. I thought he really loved her.”
“He was sick in the head.” He tugged me closer to him. I closed my eyes when he moved to my neck and pressed a kiss there. I belonged to him. Why did I even fight against it sometimes? A feeling of being claimed, liking it, was mixed with emptiness. Mallory should’ve been alive. She wasn’t. I was, and I was with Carter. I was with my soul mate while she had her baby cut out of her.
He murmured against my skin, “You tried to save her, but you can’t give your life for hers. She’s gone, Emma.”
A shudder went through me.
“She brought Dunvan into your lives. You were all doomed the second that happened.” He pulled on my arm. “You know I’m right. Somewhere in there, you know I’m right. You can be angry at her.”
My head whipped to his. “She just died.”
“She died a long time ago,” he said flatly. “You know that. You’ve always known that.”
I shook my head. “This is why you should’ve let me go. None of this would’ve happened. She might not have met him. I wouldn’t have even been her roommate. Maybe I was supposed to die, Carter. Maybe you weren’t supposed to save me or kill all those guys for AJ-”
“I killed them for you. They were looking for you. I wasn’t going to let that happen.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t stop shaking my head. “It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. She shouldn’t have died like that. I should’ve stayed-”
He gripped my arms and anchored me in front of him. “Stop it, Emma. Stop it right now.”
“No. Why didn’t you take her to a safehouse? She could still be alive. Her baby could be alive!”
“Because there were too many of you. Too many variables. Too many consequences. I couldn’t trust them, any of them.”
“But—”
“Too many questions. They would’ve asked too many questions and they couldn’t have lived their lives. Your friend Amanda couldn’t have lived her life. Any of them, they could’ve stabbed us from the inside.” His tone gentled, “I don’t let just anyone in. You should know that, of all people.”
I shook my head. This wasn’t helping. “She shouldn’t have died—”
“Stop!”
“I handed her to him!” I yelled, yanking away from him. “I saved her from one monster and I gave her to another. She never had a chance. She never had a chance, Carter. How am I supposed to be okay with that? She was my best friend. She never drank. She never smoked. Guys were her thing. She went from one guy to the next. She was never loved and I...” I hadn’t stopped any of it.
“She wasn’t your responsibility.”
I glared at him. “Then you’re not my responsibility. Then I’m not your responsibility.”
A scowl came over him, but he remained silent.
“I loved her. She was family. She was my responsibility. She was broken. You have no idea.”
His eyebrow lifted. “I don’t know broken people? Bullshit.”
I froze at his anger.
“You’ve been broken since AJ died. You were broken even before that, when your parents died.”
I turned away. I didn’t want to hear this.
An arm came around my waist and he trapped me, pulling me backwards against his chest. He continued, speaking into my ear, “Maybe this isn’t the right time for this speech, but you’re not responsible for her. You never were. You cared about her and you tried to help her, but that’s all you could’ve done. You’re not a god. You’re definitely not her God. You did what you could do. You went above and beyond for your friend, something I’d be lucky to have. And I’m guessing that she knew it. She knew you were a good friend, but she probably knew you needed to save yourself. You did that. You can’t blame yourself.”
