Cat's Lair
Page 56
She was definitely going to kill him if she kept saying things like that in a voice that penetrated through all of his armor and pierced him straight through the heart. He pressed one hand to his chest, hoping he wasn’t having a heart attack and it was just penance for betraying her. She had been such a damn innocent and he’d ripped that away from her as well.
“If I trust you again, Eli, you could destroy me. That’s what I’d be giving to you. The power to destroy me. That’s what you’re really asking of me.”
There it was. She saw what he was asking – no, demanding – of her. She knew what the ultimate price would be. She was going in with both eyes open, no rose-colored glasses like she’d had in the warehouse. She knew what he was and now, what he was capable of. Still, Catarina was holding out the world to him. That was the one piece she didn’t get. What she would be giving to him.
She could bring him to his knees without even trying. He didn’t deserve her. He had a hell of a lot of sins on his soul, and she didn’t. She was clean and good and damn it all, he was keeping her anyway, even when he knew he shouldn’t. That wasn’t his leopard talking, that was the man.
“I know that, baby, I know what you’d be handing me. All I can do is tell you I’d cherish that gift.” He poured sincerity into his voice. She was leopard enough to hear it.
“I don’t want to be like him.” She rushed the second confession, the words tumbling out fast. “If I’m like him, I want your leopard to kill me. I do, Eli. I don’t want any part of him inside me.”
“Cat.” He framed her face with both hands. Now his heart broke for her. “You’re nothing like him. Neither is your leopard.”
“You can’t know that. You said there are rogues. What if my leopard is like that? The first time when I was with you, it hurt. Really hurt and I didn’t even slow down. And then I wanted more. That isn’t normal, and no matter what you tell me, I know it isn’t.”
He winced. There it was again. Cat blaming herself for something he did. Her first time should have been slow and gentle, not ruled by two leopards coming so close to the surface. He was the one who was supposed to have control. He was the one with a lifetime of experience dealing with his savage, brutal, very alpha leopard. Catarina still had no way of knowing what to expect, let alone learning how to deal with her leopard.
“Kitten, if you don’t listen to anything else I have to say to you this afternoon, hear this. You’re sweet and kind and good. You’re an innocent in all this. That leopard inside you, she’s just as confused and afraid as you are. She’s being driven by nature just the way you are right now. You’ll control her because you have to. You’ll feel her needs and you’ll take care of her. She’ll do the same for you.”
Her teeth tugged on her lower lip and he stopped himself from groaning, stopped his body from reacting. She needed care. Gentle handling. While their leopards were settled, he knew it was the only time he’d have to give her those things.
“This all happened to me because of her – my leopard. All of it. My mother handing me over to Rafe. Rafe killing April and the others. You taking a job in the dojo and befriending me. All of it, because of her.”
He shook his head. “No, none of that was her fault. That was all Rafe Cordeau and your mother.” He wasn’t going to soft-soap any of that for her. Her mother was just as guilty as Rafe was. “She sold you to a man who took a chance on what you were. He couldn’t know for certain and that’s why you had more freedom at first but he began watching you closer as you got older.”
“If my leopard hadn’t emerged, he would have hunted me in the swamp.”
For some reason, Eli couldn’t bring himself to believe that. He wasn’t certain Cordeau was as devoid of feelings for her as she believed. Cordeau had shown a few protective instincts, not just possessive ones. The DEA had quite a long file on the man, dating back to when she was just a child. She’d gone up a tree, a tall one and she’d taken a nasty fall.
Cordeau had been conducting a business meeting with two of his local distributors and he’d launched himself from his chair, sprinting to break her fall. They had a series of photographs and two of them showed his face very clearly. It hadn’t been the face of a man who didn’t care, but Eli wasn’t going to tell her that. Not now, maybe never, and that made him an even bigger bastard. Strangely, both of the distributors had disappeared about two months later, neither body ever found.
“You don’t know that for certain, Cat.”
She shrugged. He caught the front of her shirt in his fists and tugged her closer as he leaned down and brushed a comforting kiss across her mouth.
“I’m going to shift. I can go fast or slow. Up close or far away. You tell me how you want it, Cat, and it’s yours.”
She blinked. He realized she hadn’t expected any concessions from him. Her deep cobalt blue eyes searched his face for a long time as if looking for something. It took a few moments and then she took a deep breath. “Up close and fast. Rafe was across the room from me and shifted very slowly. It looked torturous and so scary. I’ve never been so frightened of anything in my life.”
He frowned and stroked his hand down the side of her face, more to soothe her than because he wanted to feel the softness of her skin – and he really wanted to feel how soft she was. “Why up close and fast?”
“If I trust you again, Eli, you could destroy me. That’s what I’d be giving to you. The power to destroy me. That’s what you’re really asking of me.”
There it was. She saw what he was asking – no, demanding – of her. She knew what the ultimate price would be. She was going in with both eyes open, no rose-colored glasses like she’d had in the warehouse. She knew what he was and now, what he was capable of. Still, Catarina was holding out the world to him. That was the one piece she didn’t get. What she would be giving to him.
She could bring him to his knees without even trying. He didn’t deserve her. He had a hell of a lot of sins on his soul, and she didn’t. She was clean and good and damn it all, he was keeping her anyway, even when he knew he shouldn’t. That wasn’t his leopard talking, that was the man.
“I know that, baby, I know what you’d be handing me. All I can do is tell you I’d cherish that gift.” He poured sincerity into his voice. She was leopard enough to hear it.
“I don’t want to be like him.” She rushed the second confession, the words tumbling out fast. “If I’m like him, I want your leopard to kill me. I do, Eli. I don’t want any part of him inside me.”
“Cat.” He framed her face with both hands. Now his heart broke for her. “You’re nothing like him. Neither is your leopard.”
“You can’t know that. You said there are rogues. What if my leopard is like that? The first time when I was with you, it hurt. Really hurt and I didn’t even slow down. And then I wanted more. That isn’t normal, and no matter what you tell me, I know it isn’t.”
He winced. There it was again. Cat blaming herself for something he did. Her first time should have been slow and gentle, not ruled by two leopards coming so close to the surface. He was the one who was supposed to have control. He was the one with a lifetime of experience dealing with his savage, brutal, very alpha leopard. Catarina still had no way of knowing what to expect, let alone learning how to deal with her leopard.
“Kitten, if you don’t listen to anything else I have to say to you this afternoon, hear this. You’re sweet and kind and good. You’re an innocent in all this. That leopard inside you, she’s just as confused and afraid as you are. She’s being driven by nature just the way you are right now. You’ll control her because you have to. You’ll feel her needs and you’ll take care of her. She’ll do the same for you.”
Her teeth tugged on her lower lip and he stopped himself from groaning, stopped his body from reacting. She needed care. Gentle handling. While their leopards were settled, he knew it was the only time he’d have to give her those things.
“This all happened to me because of her – my leopard. All of it. My mother handing me over to Rafe. Rafe killing April and the others. You taking a job in the dojo and befriending me. All of it, because of her.”
He shook his head. “No, none of that was her fault. That was all Rafe Cordeau and your mother.” He wasn’t going to soft-soap any of that for her. Her mother was just as guilty as Rafe was. “She sold you to a man who took a chance on what you were. He couldn’t know for certain and that’s why you had more freedom at first but he began watching you closer as you got older.”
“If my leopard hadn’t emerged, he would have hunted me in the swamp.”
For some reason, Eli couldn’t bring himself to believe that. He wasn’t certain Cordeau was as devoid of feelings for her as she believed. Cordeau had shown a few protective instincts, not just possessive ones. The DEA had quite a long file on the man, dating back to when she was just a child. She’d gone up a tree, a tall one and she’d taken a nasty fall.
Cordeau had been conducting a business meeting with two of his local distributors and he’d launched himself from his chair, sprinting to break her fall. They had a series of photographs and two of them showed his face very clearly. It hadn’t been the face of a man who didn’t care, but Eli wasn’t going to tell her that. Not now, maybe never, and that made him an even bigger bastard. Strangely, both of the distributors had disappeared about two months later, neither body ever found.
“You don’t know that for certain, Cat.”
She shrugged. He caught the front of her shirt in his fists and tugged her closer as he leaned down and brushed a comforting kiss across her mouth.
“I’m going to shift. I can go fast or slow. Up close or far away. You tell me how you want it, Cat, and it’s yours.”
She blinked. He realized she hadn’t expected any concessions from him. Her deep cobalt blue eyes searched his face for a long time as if looking for something. It took a few moments and then she took a deep breath. “Up close and fast. Rafe was across the room from me and shifted very slowly. It looked torturous and so scary. I’ve never been so frightened of anything in my life.”
He frowned and stroked his hand down the side of her face, more to soothe her than because he wanted to feel the softness of her skin – and he really wanted to feel how soft she was. “Why up close and fast?”
