Ceaseless

Page 19

Chapter Eighteen
Dank
She wouldn’t talk to me. I couldn’t force her. I needed to win her trust. Dammit I needed her to remember me. Remember us. Standing across the street I watched as Jay bought her coffee and they sat down. They were like two old friends. It had been over a year yet there they sat laughing and talking like no time had passed. She’d forgiven him for being an ass but she refused to talk to me. Was this what I’d been warned about? Was this when Pagan began to get feelings for Jay?
“She doesn’t feel anything more than friendship and affection for him. You can see that from here,” Gee said as she appeared beside me.
“I can only hope. She was so close to remembering. She was feeling things for me. Now, nothing. I can’t get her to even speak more than one syllable words to me and that’s if I’m lucky.”
“This is the test Dankmar. You knew it was coming. Her soul must have an opportunity to decide. When she is with you then she doesn’t have a chance because her feelings for you consume her even if she can’t remember why. Her heart reacts to you. Her soul knows you.”
My eyes burned. Pain sliced through me. She was mine. She owned me. But she hated me. How was I supposed to function like this? Right now I had no chance at winning her heart or her soul.
“Stop standing around and being all wounded and shit. Go do something about it. You’re Dank Walker. You’re fucking Death. He’s a human soul. You got this. Go figure it out.”
Gee was always good for a pep talk. And she was right. I needed to get it together and find a way to get her back. I’d come to her like a human. Just another guy. I hadn’t invaded her soul. I could reach places Jay couldn’t.
“What if she never remembers?”
“Then you better make her fall in love with you, again.”
“How did I do it the first time?”
“You let her in.”
I let her in. She’d seen the real me. I hadn’t been scared to show her who I was. I’d never hidden from her the fact that I wasn’t human. She might not have known I was Death but she’d thought I was a soul. This Pagan no longer saw lost souls who roamed the earth. The Voodoo Lord of the dead’s hold was no longer on her. That was forgotten. I’d treated her like someone else. Someone who could break. My Pagan was strong. She didn’t hide from anything.
You’re mine, Pagan Moore. You will always be mine.
I watched as she stopped listening to Jay and looked around her. I stepped forward out of the shade from the trees. Her eyes found me. I could see the confusion in them from here.
You own me. Once you knew this. I’m going to make sure you remember.
Pagan’s coffee cup fell from her hands and the boy jumped up from the hot liquid now running off the side of the table. This was what I should have done all along. It was time I made sure Pagan understood I wasn’t here for any other reason but her.
Pagan
Dank was talking in my head. How? I wasn’t going crazy. I watched him across the street. He stood there and talked in my head. I couldn’t concentrate on anything Jay said on the way back to the dorm. We both had coffee-stained clothing. We may even have some burns. All I’d been able to do was apologize. I couldn’t manage more than that. Because Dank had talked in my head; he had spoken over my thoughts. It was his voice. I heard him loud and clear.
I stopped at Gee’s door and knocked twice but she didn’t answer. Frustrated, I went to my room and started to open it then changed my mind and knocked first. I did not want to see Nathan’s bare ass. No one answered. I unlocked the door and went inside. Miranda’s bed was a mess and I decided I didn’t want to think about that. I would focus on Dank Walker talking in my head. Was he a wizard? That sounded stupid even saying it. Was he into Voodoo because I’d heard Gee say something about voodoo more than once. No, that didn’t make any sense.
The door swung open and Miranda came in smiling from ear to ear.
“I am so freaking in love,” she said with a happy sigh and closed the door behind her. Leaning back against it she turned her bright, very pleased face my way.
“I’d say you were in lust since you just met the guy,” I decided to be honest. She was delusional if she thought she was in love.
“Lust, love it all goes together,” she replied with a wave of her hand.
I knew for a fact that it did not all go together. I had experienced lust with Dank but I’d never loved him.
“Sorry about earlier, but Pagan you have no idea how good he is.”
“Please stop right now. I do not want to hear the details of your sex life. I could hear it. I am very aware that you were enjoying yourself.”
Miranda giggled and skipped over to her bed and fell face down on it and began smelling her pillow. “He is wonderful and he smells so good.”
“Good to know.” I replied.
“Oh, I heard you went to coffee with Jay. How’d that go?” Miranda asked, hugging the pillow to her chest.
“It went good until I dropped my coffee and spilled it all over both of us. I think I may end up with a blister on my hand. It burned me good.”
Miranda covered her mouth, “Oh no! Did Jay get mad?”
I had no idea how Jay reacted because all I could think about was Dank… in my head. I couldn’t exactly tell her that though. “He was startled and then he laughed. Not much else to it. We had to leave so we could both go home and change.”
Miranda started laughing and couldn’t stop. I had to grin because it was funny. I’d more than likely ruined Jay’s shirt. I should probably offer to buy him a new one.
“They’re having a party at the frat house tonight. I can bring anyone I want. Jay would love for you to come. Even if you did burn his body.”
I didn’t think facing Victoria at a frat party was something I wanted to tackle just yet. Besides Jay and I were just friends and he’d end up with some girl and I’d be left alone to swat off drunken frat boys all night. Nope, not up for that. “I would rather just stay here. Get some more homework done and go to bed early.”
Miranda sighed and shook her head, “You are missing out on the fun things in college.”
I’d tried having some college fun and it hadn’t ended so well.
Miranda was staying with Nathan after the party. This was more than likely going to become a trend. I didn’t like being alone at night but I figured Gee was right next-door. I snuggled under the covers and closed my eyes. Just as I started to fall asleep the strums of a guitar filled my room. I tried to open my eyes but I couldn’t. Panic started to set in. I wasn’t asleep yet. Why wouldn’t my eyes open.
It’s just me, Pagan
Dank’s voice was in my head again. I needed to open my eyes. Something was very wrong. Then he began singing the hauntingly familiar song that I’d heard at his concert. The song that had sent me into a panic attack. This time there was no fear. Just warmth.
“You weren’t meant for the ice. You weren’t made for the pain. The world that lives inside of me brought only shame.
You were meant for castles and living in the sun. The cold running through me should have made you run.
Yet you stay holding onto me. Yet you stay reaching out a hand that I pushed away. Yet you stay when I know it’s not right for you. Yet you stay . Yet you stay.
I can’t feel the warmth. I need to feel the ice. I want to hold it all in until I can’t feel the knife. So I push you away and I scream out your name. I know I can’t need you yet you give in anyway.
Yet you stay holding onto me. Yet you stay reaching out a hand that I pushed away. Yet you stay when I know it’s not right for you. Yet you stay. Yet you stay.
I can’t feel the warmth. I need to feel the ice. I want to hold it all in until I can’t feel the knife. So I push you away and I scream out your name. And I know I can’t need you yet you give in anyway.
Yet you stay holding onto me. Yet you stay reaching out a hand that I pushed away. Yet you stay when I know it’s not right for you .
Yet you stay . Yet you stay.
Oh, the dark will always be my cloak and you are the threat to unveil my pain. So leave, leave and erase my memories. I need to face the life that was meant for me.
Don’t stay and ruin all my plans.
You can’t have my soul, oh, I’m not a man . The empty vessel I dwell in is not meant to feel the heat you bring. So I push you away and I push you away . Yet you stay .
Ooooooh. Yet you stay. Yet you stay. Yet you stay.”
Dank
I decided my human form was less helpful at the moment. I walked the campus following Pagan in my true form. The one only souls could see. The one Pagan had once been able to see. She’d slept deeply last night after I sang her to sleep. Not being able to snuggle up beside her and hold her had been hard, but she wasn’t ready to accept me yet. I wouldn’t do something she didn’t welcome.
Pagan stopped outside the campus food court and looked around. Was she looking for me? I knew she wasn’t looking for Jay.
Are you looking for me?
She stiffened then gave a little nod of her head.
Meet me at the park across the street.
She didn’t respond immediately, but she turned around to look at the park. A small nod followed. I watched her walk that way and fell in step behind her.
“Why can I feel you? Where are you?” She asked in a hushed whisper.
She could feel me behind her. I liked that. Her soul recognized me.
“I’m right here,” I replied as I appeared beside her.
She jumped and let out a yelp. Then her startled expression turned into more of a pissed off glare. She picked up her pace and we were across the street and in the empty park in just a few more steps.
“What are you and why are you in my head and how did you sing to me last night and how did you just appear out of nowhere?” She stammered over her words. I knew she thought saying this out-loud sounded insane.
“I’m not human. You knew that once.”
Pagan threw up both her arms, “What the heck does that mean? You’re not human? I used to know this? You’ve got to give me something that makes sense, Dank.”
I wasn’t handling this well.
“I know and if you give me a second, I will.” I assured her and she put both hands on her hips and tilted her head to let me know she was waiting for more.
I couldn’t tell her that her memory was gone. That was the only rule I had. They never said I couldn’t tell her I was Death. Well maybe they had implied it but they hadn’t actually said it. They didn’t think I’d be brave enough to tell her because it might put a hitch in my winning her love. The rules were I had to get her to fall in love with me again and choose me over her soul’s mate.
“The song I sang to you last night. The one that upset you at the concert,” I took a step toward her and she tensed up. “Can you tell me those words? Do you remember them?”
“Yet you stay?”
“Yes, but there are more words. Do you remember them? Any of them?”
I needed her to remember something. Something from our past to be restored. I’d sung that song to her wanting to remind her soul of what we’d had.
“You weren’t meant for the ice. You weren’t made for the pain. The world that lives inside of me brought only shame. You were meant for castles and living in the sun. The cold running through me should have made you run.” She said the words slowly trying to understand them.
“Yes. That’s good. Do you remember any of the other words?”
She closed her eyes and shook her head, “I’m trying.” Then her eyes flew open, “Don’t stay and ruin all my plans. You can’t have my soul. I’m not a man. The empty vessel I dwell in is not meant to feel the heat you bring. So I push you away and I push you away… Yet you stay.”
“Does any of that make sense to you?” I still held onto the hope that she would remember something.
“No. It’s very sad and dark. None of it makes sense.”
Sighing, I ran my hand through my hair. How was I supposed to explain this to her? “Do you know what a soul is Pagan? I mean really understand what a soul is?”
She scrunched up her nose. “Yeah, it’s what is inside. It’s who you are.”
I nodded, “And a body is the house for the soul. Once the body dies the soul is given another life.”
“So you are one of those reincarnation believers?”
No, I wasn’t a believer. I knew the facts. I shook my head, “No. I don’t believe anything. I know. Your soul is who you are. In this body and in the next it is you. It will always be you. I don’t get to have a soul, Pagan. This isn’t a body. Not like yours. It is me. I can appear to humans and I can walk beside them invisible. I choose who will see me.”
“You’re like a… ghost? Because I’m not believing that. I touched you, I know you’re very real.”
Grinning for the first time since I’d started this conversation I shook my head. “No, I’m not a ghost. I’m who comes to take the soul from the body. It is my job to take the soul from the body that can no longer house it. I send the soul on so that it can be given another body.”
Pagan stood there studying me carefully. I could see her mind processing what I’d just told her. Calling myself something she’d said she hated wasn’t what I wanted to do. I didn’t want her to immediately hate me because of my title.
“I don’t understand. What does that?”
“Oh, for crying the fuck out loud. I got to do this last time and I’m going to do it this time. It just sounds better coming from me,” Gee announced as she walked out from behind a tree.
Pagan spun around to look at her. “Gee?”
“Yeah, Peggy Ann it’s me. Who else would be listening in on this crazy assed shit?”
“Gee, let me do this,” I said not wanting her here for this.
“You can’t do this, Dankmar. You should have kept your mouth shut. But you couldn’t. Now you’ve started this and you gotta finish it,” Gee turned her focus to Pagan.
“We’ve already done this song and dance once but I will tell you it was a helluva lot more fun then. The drama was high and Dank’s existence was on the line. This time we don’t have to worry about people dying and shit.”
“Gee, leave,” I demanded. But Gee was one of the few beings who didn’t fear me.
“Sure thing. But first let me clear this up. Pagan, Dank’s actual title in the great big grand scheme of things is Death. When it’s your time to go, this is the guy who shows up.”
Pagan took a step back from me then another. She shifted her frightened gaze from me to Gee . I waited for her to argue or call Gee a liar. She didn’t do either of those things.
“Say something, Pagan,” I begged.
“Stay away from me.” she demanded then spun around and ran.
Pagan
I was afraid to sleep. Miranda was gone. Gee was… Gee was an old friend of Dank’s. I jumped up and ran over to the bathroom door and locked it on my side. I went and locked my room door too. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe them. Dank had talked in my head, controlled my sleep, and appeared out of nowhere. He was something. Accepting that he was Death was easier than thinking he was something like a ghost or wizard or god forbid—a vampire. Those were mythical creatures. They weren’t real. But Death, Death was real.
Could Death be more than just the time a body dies? The soul has to let go. Is death called what it is because of the one who takes the soul? It made sense. I believed him. And I was equally terrified of him. It wasn’t healthy for a human to have a relationship with Death. He was the end-all. I wasn’t ready to die. I didn’t want to see him again until it was my time to go. I hoped that wouldn’t be until I was very old and wrinkly.
A knock on the bathroom door startled me and I grabbed the nearest tool I could find. A pencil sharpener. Not very threatening.
“Open the door, Peggy Ann or I’m coming in. It’s real easy for me.”
Was she Death too? Were there more of them? Did they all sing in rock bands or dress emo?
“Fine. I’m not gonna beg,” Gee said as she appeared in my room.
“What are you?” I asked scooting back on my bed holding my pencil sharpener in front of me.
“What you gonna do? Peg me with a pencil sharpener? Really?” Gee shook her head in disbelief and walked over and sat on the end of Miranda’s bed, then jumped back up again. “I forgot about the action this thing has been getting lately. I think I’ll stand.”
“Please just go away,” I begged.
“First, I need you to ask me about all those crazy-ass things you have going through your head. You won’t talk to Dank, so talk to me.”
“Are you a death too?” I asked, because I had to know if I should be praying for my soul and digging out those rosary beads of Miranda’s.
“Death is one being. Dankmar is Death. He has been and will forever be.”
“Why do you call him Dankmar?”
“It’s his name. Dankmar means ‘famous for his spirit’. It fits. He used to only have the name Death. An old Irish lady gave it to him right before her soul’s departure. She said he deserved a name more fitting.”
His name meant something? Why did that tug at me? He was Death, for crying out loud. “Why is he a lead singer in a band?”
Gee cackled with laughter, “That’s a damn good question. Even Death gets bored. Every few decades he is something different. It all started in the first century when he became a Gladiator. The list is long but the ones that amused me most were when he was a pirate in the 1500s, an outlaw in the 1800s and in the 1920s he was a gangster. He found a music that appealed to him in the early eighties. So now when Death isn’t taking souls, he’s a singer in a rock band. However, one time not too long ago he was putting an end to that one too. He had something else that filled his time. That has changed recently.”
“So Death just walks the earth? He has no other dwelling?” I was having a hard time wrapping my head around this.
“Yep. He just fills his limited free time with hobbies.”
“Then what are you?”
“I’m a transporter. I take the soul once Dankmar takes it from the body. I take it up or down. Whichever way it’s going. The ones that go up get another life. It’s pretty simple. Humans try to make it more complicated than it is. The creator doesn’t make new souls often. Only when so many bad have come through that his quantity of good is limited. For example, you’re a new soul.”
I was a new soul. How strange. People lived their entire life not knowing if they had past lives. Not knowing if they would get another. But I now knew this was my first chance. My first experience. There was no past for me. This was it; I only had future.
“Is it my time to go? Is that why you and Dank are near me? Are you going to take my soul soon?” That was my biggest fear. I didn’t want to die. Surely if this was my first life I would get more than just eighteen short years.
“Nope, Peggy Ann. You’re time isn’t up. I would be willing to bet you’re the only human alive that has an unlimited lifespan.”
“What?”
Gee waved me off, “Nothing, forget I said that. Just rest assured we aren’t here to take you. However, Dank is fascinated with you. That doesn’t put you in danger. If he were to take your soul he wouldn’t get to keep it. He would lose it. The Creator would then take it. So, you are in no danger.”
I sat there letting all this information process. I didn’t question it. This made sense. It was crazy as hell but it made sense. I felt complete peace about it. But there was one thing I wanted to make very clear. I lifted my eyes to meet Gee’s. “I do not want to see Dank again. Having Death as an acquaintance is not normal. I realize I’m not in danger but I want to be left alone. I want to date boys who can’t talk in my head and take souls from bodies. I’d like someone who isn’t immortal. Dank is appealing. He’s hard to push away. If he stayed near me I’d cave in and let him closer. I don’t want that. So, please, go.”
Gee didn’t reply. She didn’t have a witty comeback or smart remark. After a few seconds I looked up and she was gone. No goodbye. No Gee. And No Dank.
Dank
I’d gambled and lost.
Gee sat quietly beside me. She’d done what I asked her to. Pagan had made her choice. Even before she knew there was a choice to make. I would never be in the running. She didn’t want me near her. She didn’t want to see me again. I wouldn’t be able to walk this world unless I was working. I couldn’t deal with knowing she was here and I couldn’t talk to her. Touch her. Slipping the necklace she had given me I held it in my hands tightly. This was all I had of Pagan—the Pagan who had loved me, who had accepted me for what I was, and had wanted me anyway. I couldn’t exist with any reminder of her. I had to leave my memories behind. I had to remember who I was and what I was meant to do. No more living in the human world.
“She wants me to leave her alone.” It wasn’t a question. I was just trying to let the facts sink in. I’d do anything for her. I wanted her happy. She wasn’t happy with me. She didn’t love me. Would she ever be able to love me in this world where her life wasn’t on the line and she wasn’t fighting for it with me by her side? I was beginning to see it was impossible. Pagan had fallen in love with me during a time in her life when she wasn’t scared of souls. When it all made sense to her. She’d needed me and I’d been there to protect her. Had she just loved me because of the circumstances? Had this been what the Deity knew all along?
“She doesn’t know what she wants, Dank. She’s confused and scared,” Gee said with conviction in her voice.
I’d like to believe that were true. But the reality was that things were different now. The bond we’d formed was no longer something she felt. She was scared of me. She wanted me out of her life. The Pagan who hadn’t lived her entire life seeing souls and experienced the things she had didn’t want to love me. The realization was the worst kind of pain.
“I can’t stay here. She doesn’t want me. I’m only Death to her.”
Pagan’s room was dark and her slow even breathing told me she was sleeping. I walked over to her desk and quietly placed the necklace she’d once wanted me to have because her love was unending like the Celtic knot, on top of her notebook. It was hers; I couldn’t keep it but I couldn’t let anyone else have it either. This was Pagan’s. This was one memory of me that I could leave with her. I walked over to stand beside her bed for the last time. I allowed myself to watch her sleep. From the moment I’d first seen her I’d been watching her sleep. It was a peacefulness I only experienced with her. She’d taught me that I was capable of love. She taught me to laugh. She taught me what it meant to cherish something or someone completely. I would move on and leave her to this life but what we had would always be there reminding me of what I once had. When it came time for her soul to leave this body I would have to find the strength to let the only memory of me she would have be lost forever.
“Goodbye, Pagan Moore,” I whispered into the darkness.