Changing Everything
Page 18
Eli raised one eyebrow, but didn’t speak. I think he was forcing himself not to, judging by the way his fingers were curling around me like he wasn’t about to let me go for anything.
“He said, ‘You loved him first,’ like that should have answered everything. He didn’t want to compete with you even though I was with him. He didn’t want to compete with a guy who knew me better than I knew myself.” Swallowing past the tightness in my throat, I tried to stop the way my body wanted to curl in on itself. “I was on my way to tell him I’d chosen him this afternoon when you stopped me, but after I left you, I went to the beach instead and sat there for hours. When I finally got up to drive to his place, I still didn’t know who I would choose, and I didn’t know until he opened his door.”
Eli’s eyes hardened. “What did he do?”
I ran my fingers through his hair to calm him and shook my head subtly. “Nothing. And everything. He made it easier to breathe. He made the ache of talking to you go away. I knew when I looked at him that I’d somehow fallen in love with him, and I knew loving him could be easy. But the way he made me feel didn’t compare to the way I’d instantly felt whole as soon as you were near me. Or how I’d felt like I was dying while I walked away from you because I’d known you wouldn’t be a part of my life. He knew the second I realized who my choice was, and I know I broke his heart. He held me for a long time, and he asked what made me decide.”
“Did you tell him?”
I nodded and placed a hand over his chest. “I said, ‘I can see a future with you . . . but I can’t see one without him.’ And he and I both knew that if he was in my future, you wouldn’t be.”
“I’m sorry you’re hurting, and I’m sorry I put you in this position, Paisley.”
I cracked a tiny smile and forced a laugh. “It would’ve been a lot easier if you’d figured out you loved me a long time ago.”
Eli didn’t find that amusing.
“I told you before, you own my soul. No one can touch a love like that.”
He brushed back hair that had fallen in my face, and his blue eyes followed the movement before meeting mine again. “I don’t know what I did to deserve your love, Paisley, but I’m thankful for it.” Pressing his lips to mine gently, he only pulled back enough to say, “I’m sorry for not knowing. I’m sorry for using you as a shield from exes, and using you to get other girls when I should have known that you were the only girl who mattered.”
“Eli—”
“I’m sorry for making you watch me with anyone else when it always should have been you. I’m sorry for hurting you over and over again.”
“Stop!” I pled. “Stop, Eli, I know you are. But we need to move past that or you’re going to keep tearing yourself up over what’s in the past. And I want to start a future with you.”
“You don’t understand how much I hate—”
“Then let me apologize for taking so long to tell you,” I begged, cutting him off.
His head jerked back. “What? No.”
“Yes,” I argued. “None of this would’ve happened if I’d just told you a long time ago.”
“But you don’t know if that would have changed things then. You don’t know if our friendship would’ve been different. We might not have ended up like we are now.”
I hadn’t thought of it that way, and based on the look Eli was giving me, my expression was saying just that.
“So as long as you don’t try to take blame, I’ll . . . try to stop apologizing,” he promised, and I narrowed my eyes at him. He shook his head slowly when he knew I was getting ready to argue that too. “That’s the best you’re getting, Paisley. I’ve had to watch you cry numerous times because of me. I’ve beat guys up over you for a lot less than that.”
“Guys as in plural?”
“Yeah.” He breathed the word like that shouldn’t be news. It was.
“Do I want to—”
“No.”
I bit back a smile and rolled my eyes. “Got it.”
Pushing me off his lap, he kissed me forcefully as he climbed off the bed. “I’m gonna lock up, and I’m not letting you leave. So change, because I’m exhausted and I want you in my arms.”
My heart took off and his face lit up in reaction to the cheesiest smile that was covering my own. I’d slept in a bed with him hundreds of times, but everything was different now, and he’d just told me he wanted me in his arms. And he’d been kissing me. Not fake brushes of his lips against the side of my neck for girls to see, but actual kisses that I’d only dreamt of. That’s it. I had to be dreaming.
I’m going to wake up and all of this will be some sick joke.
“It’s real, Pay.”
I looked up to where he was standing in the doorway, and my eyebrows drew together.
“You look like you’re starting to freak out, and I’m thinking the same thing. That’s why I’m falling asleep with you in my arms tonight. Because I need to feel you and be able to touch you to know that this isn’t all going to be gone in the morning.”
My lips parted and I blinked slowly at him. “I don’t know if I should be in awe, or kinda creeped out that you can read my mind now.”
He shrugged and turned to walk down the hall, his voice trailing behind him. “Or you just said it out loud.”
My expression fell even though he couldn’t see me anymore. Jerk.
Scrambling quickly off the bed, I pulled my pants and shirt off, and folded them in a pile next to Eli’s dresser. Grabbing one of his shirts out of the drawers, I started to put it on, and at the last second, took my bra off. It’s not like I needed the bra that much, but I still usually wore one if I knew I’d be sleeping with him.
Slipping the shirt over my head, I let it fall over my body and pulled my hair out of the collar.
You always look like such a lost little girl when you’re in my clothes.
I froze on my way back to his bed when I remembered the words he’d told me a few months ago, and looked down at where his shirt hung almost to my knees. I didn’t want to look like a little girl, and I wanted to wear his shirt. I always wore them when we slept together . . . never mind the fact that I didn’t have anything else to wear.
Grabbing the bottom of his shirt, I pulled together the loose material and tied it all in a knot against the side of my thigh. By the time I straightened, his shirt looked a lot more like the shirt-dress Kristen had made me wear than one of Eli’s baggy shirts I always drowned in. It sat just under my butt and tight against my thighs, and from the way Eli stopped walking and his eyes widened as they took me in, I knew that “lost little girl” wasn’t anywhere in his vocabulary right now.
Keeping his eyes on me, he pulled his shirt over his head and let it fall to the floor as his hands went to the button on his dark tan cargo shorts. My mind knew I should have turned away, that I wasn’t supposed to watch Eli when he changed—but that’d been before.
My lips felt dry when he stood from taking off his shorts, and I couldn’t stop myself from finally looking at his wide, muscular build in nothing but a tight pair of dark boxer briefs as he walked toward me. A smirk played on his lips as he moved past me, and I turned to watch the muscles in his back move as he bent to prop up all the pillows.
“He said, ‘You loved him first,’ like that should have answered everything. He didn’t want to compete with you even though I was with him. He didn’t want to compete with a guy who knew me better than I knew myself.” Swallowing past the tightness in my throat, I tried to stop the way my body wanted to curl in on itself. “I was on my way to tell him I’d chosen him this afternoon when you stopped me, but after I left you, I went to the beach instead and sat there for hours. When I finally got up to drive to his place, I still didn’t know who I would choose, and I didn’t know until he opened his door.”
Eli’s eyes hardened. “What did he do?”
I ran my fingers through his hair to calm him and shook my head subtly. “Nothing. And everything. He made it easier to breathe. He made the ache of talking to you go away. I knew when I looked at him that I’d somehow fallen in love with him, and I knew loving him could be easy. But the way he made me feel didn’t compare to the way I’d instantly felt whole as soon as you were near me. Or how I’d felt like I was dying while I walked away from you because I’d known you wouldn’t be a part of my life. He knew the second I realized who my choice was, and I know I broke his heart. He held me for a long time, and he asked what made me decide.”
“Did you tell him?”
I nodded and placed a hand over his chest. “I said, ‘I can see a future with you . . . but I can’t see one without him.’ And he and I both knew that if he was in my future, you wouldn’t be.”
“I’m sorry you’re hurting, and I’m sorry I put you in this position, Paisley.”
I cracked a tiny smile and forced a laugh. “It would’ve been a lot easier if you’d figured out you loved me a long time ago.”
Eli didn’t find that amusing.
“I told you before, you own my soul. No one can touch a love like that.”
He brushed back hair that had fallen in my face, and his blue eyes followed the movement before meeting mine again. “I don’t know what I did to deserve your love, Paisley, but I’m thankful for it.” Pressing his lips to mine gently, he only pulled back enough to say, “I’m sorry for not knowing. I’m sorry for using you as a shield from exes, and using you to get other girls when I should have known that you were the only girl who mattered.”
“Eli—”
“I’m sorry for making you watch me with anyone else when it always should have been you. I’m sorry for hurting you over and over again.”
“Stop!” I pled. “Stop, Eli, I know you are. But we need to move past that or you’re going to keep tearing yourself up over what’s in the past. And I want to start a future with you.”
“You don’t understand how much I hate—”
“Then let me apologize for taking so long to tell you,” I begged, cutting him off.
His head jerked back. “What? No.”
“Yes,” I argued. “None of this would’ve happened if I’d just told you a long time ago.”
“But you don’t know if that would have changed things then. You don’t know if our friendship would’ve been different. We might not have ended up like we are now.”
I hadn’t thought of it that way, and based on the look Eli was giving me, my expression was saying just that.
“So as long as you don’t try to take blame, I’ll . . . try to stop apologizing,” he promised, and I narrowed my eyes at him. He shook his head slowly when he knew I was getting ready to argue that too. “That’s the best you’re getting, Paisley. I’ve had to watch you cry numerous times because of me. I’ve beat guys up over you for a lot less than that.”
“Guys as in plural?”
“Yeah.” He breathed the word like that shouldn’t be news. It was.
“Do I want to—”
“No.”
I bit back a smile and rolled my eyes. “Got it.”
Pushing me off his lap, he kissed me forcefully as he climbed off the bed. “I’m gonna lock up, and I’m not letting you leave. So change, because I’m exhausted and I want you in my arms.”
My heart took off and his face lit up in reaction to the cheesiest smile that was covering my own. I’d slept in a bed with him hundreds of times, but everything was different now, and he’d just told me he wanted me in his arms. And he’d been kissing me. Not fake brushes of his lips against the side of my neck for girls to see, but actual kisses that I’d only dreamt of. That’s it. I had to be dreaming.
I’m going to wake up and all of this will be some sick joke.
“It’s real, Pay.”
I looked up to where he was standing in the doorway, and my eyebrows drew together.
“You look like you’re starting to freak out, and I’m thinking the same thing. That’s why I’m falling asleep with you in my arms tonight. Because I need to feel you and be able to touch you to know that this isn’t all going to be gone in the morning.”
My lips parted and I blinked slowly at him. “I don’t know if I should be in awe, or kinda creeped out that you can read my mind now.”
He shrugged and turned to walk down the hall, his voice trailing behind him. “Or you just said it out loud.”
My expression fell even though he couldn’t see me anymore. Jerk.
Scrambling quickly off the bed, I pulled my pants and shirt off, and folded them in a pile next to Eli’s dresser. Grabbing one of his shirts out of the drawers, I started to put it on, and at the last second, took my bra off. It’s not like I needed the bra that much, but I still usually wore one if I knew I’d be sleeping with him.
Slipping the shirt over my head, I let it fall over my body and pulled my hair out of the collar.
You always look like such a lost little girl when you’re in my clothes.
I froze on my way back to his bed when I remembered the words he’d told me a few months ago, and looked down at where his shirt hung almost to my knees. I didn’t want to look like a little girl, and I wanted to wear his shirt. I always wore them when we slept together . . . never mind the fact that I didn’t have anything else to wear.
Grabbing the bottom of his shirt, I pulled together the loose material and tied it all in a knot against the side of my thigh. By the time I straightened, his shirt looked a lot more like the shirt-dress Kristen had made me wear than one of Eli’s baggy shirts I always drowned in. It sat just under my butt and tight against my thighs, and from the way Eli stopped walking and his eyes widened as they took me in, I knew that “lost little girl” wasn’t anywhere in his vocabulary right now.
Keeping his eyes on me, he pulled his shirt over his head and let it fall to the floor as his hands went to the button on his dark tan cargo shorts. My mind knew I should have turned away, that I wasn’t supposed to watch Eli when he changed—but that’d been before.
My lips felt dry when he stood from taking off his shorts, and I couldn’t stop myself from finally looking at his wide, muscular build in nothing but a tight pair of dark boxer briefs as he walked toward me. A smirk played on his lips as he moved past me, and I turned to watch the muscles in his back move as he bent to prop up all the pillows.
