Chasing Impossible
Page 42
I don’t flinch with his anger. Maybe because I’m just as mad, maybe because I’m too numb to emotion, maybe because I know Logan would never hurt me. Logan paces. Back and forth and each pass is less hurried than before. Finally, he halts in the middle of the barn and drops his arms to his sides.
Besides the cooing of a few pigeons in the rafters, the barn is quiet, but heavy. Filled with all the words I don’t know how to say, emotions I’m not sure how to feel.
“I did trust you,” I say, softly. “When it counted, you are the one I told about Grams. I trusted you to take care of what I love the most.”
Logan blows out an audible breath. “I know. I’m sorry.”
Me, too. I study Logan under the dim light. His shirt is off, his muscles flexed in tense emotion. He’s beautiful and strong and I trust him more than I trust anyone else. Have been honest with him more than I’ve been honest with anyone else, even myself.
Would I have looked upon Logan differently if I had known from the beginning he had diabetes? I purse my lips. Wish I could say I’m a better person, but I’ve never claimed to be good. Odds are I would have second-guessed him—would have wondered if he could have really kept up with me and Isaiah.
Knowing Logan like I do, he would have eventually proved himself, but that’s the problem—why should Logan have to prove himself because of the shitty hand his genetics dealt him?
“I did it for you,” Logan says to the dirt floor. “I told everyone about my diabetes for you. I risked my best friendships, risked changing how they think of me, for you. I knew telling them about your grandmother would hurt you so I made them mad at me. To make it fair between us—I told them my secret. So thanks, for what you did today. For distracting them after my shot. Just...thanks.”
Logan grabs his bag again and shame heats my face and it’s not an emotion I’m used to. It’s a sickening feeling and I’m experiencing it because I’ve hurt Logan’s pride. “Logan.”
But he ignores me.
“Logan!” And when he won’t stop, I fall into step with him and place my fingers on his bicep. “Logan, please stop.”
He does, halting so quickly that I almost ram into him. We’re at the barn door and he stares out into the night.
Logan’s done what I wanted, but I’m paralyzed. Talking, convincing people to stay, giving words to my emotions—that’s not something I’m used to. Not something I’m sure how to do. “I was mad...at Chris for stepping in and...I am mad...at you...for telling everyone...but then I’m not...and...”
“Be quiet, Abby.”
He’s angry. Logan should be angry. I cut him down...proved why he never wanted to share what he did... I thought leaving him or him leaving me was what I desired, but there’s this desperation I can’t shake. “Just listen...this isn’t easy...”
“I mean it,” he says in a harsh whisper. “Stop talking.”
“You’re serious?” Panic wells up inside me. “This is when you give up on me? This moment...one stupid moment...I’m telling you I’m sorry...”
Dizziness overwhelms me and heat rushes up my neck, to my face and blasts me in such a way that causes my throat to swell shut. I don’t tell people I’m sorry. I don’t apologize and when I do, it’s too late.
Never did I think Logan would give up on me...not when he showed up on my staircase after I tried to shove him away, not after that kiss on my bed. In the back of my mind, no—in the depth of my soul—I always thought he’d be there, just like he said, to catch me when I fall...
...and Logan and I both know how long and tough my falls are.
“I didn’t mean what I said,” I rush out before he can stop me again. “You’re right, I care about you. A lot.”
I sway with the words and a hand crashes to my heart. I love him. Oh, God, I do love him. This isn’t falling. This isn’t a maybe. This is love and I’m not allowed to love anyone else. There’s only room for Grams.
Logan finally looks over at me and the frustration that had marred his beautiful dark eyes is gone. He reaches up and tucks my hair behind my shoulder. When his fingers feather against my face pleasing chills trickle down my spine. Like we’re in sync, I lean my cheek into him and Logan cups my face with his hand.
He tilts his head to the yard. “I didn’t want you to scare the bunnies.”
I blink and a sweep of his thumb across my face shakes me back to life. “What?”
“Look.” Logan drops his hand but then slips his arm around my waist and slides behind me so that his front warms my back. His head is against mine, his breath billows through the stands of my hair and I have goose bumps. Me, I have the good, pleasing type of goose bumps.
I lick my dry lips and try to see what Logan suggested is there. At first, all I see is dark—blackness, but with a few blinks and a track of a movement to my right, I see an ear then another then two more. My heart pounds and excitement tickles my bloodstream. Bunnies. The yard in front of the barn is filled with bunnies. They’re brown and furry and the urge is to rush out, grab one, and squish it to my face.
“It’s Timothy hay,” he whispers, referring to the bales behind us. “It’s sweet to them. I wonder how long they’ve been stalking us.”
While the guys were taking the bales off the trailer, loose pieces of hay fell to the ground and now lots of the joyous critters are partaking in a free meal. Just when I couldn’t love bunnies more, I do—they also appreciate being a scavenger. Beautiful little scavengers.
Logan locks his arms around me and I wrap my arms around his, enjoying this hug, enjoying his hold. He turns his head, nuzzling his nose into my hair. “Abby?”
I close my eyes and breathe in to calm the thundering in my soul. “Yes?”
“You know I care for you, too.”
I squeeze his arms and Logan places a slow kiss against the side of my head.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “For what I said...” For pushing him away.
“I can’t lose you. You returning to selling, I’m not okay with it. Do anything else you want. Lion taming. Sniper. Detonation expert. Juggling fire. High school guidance counselor.”
The right side of my mouth tips up. “That’s safer?”
“At least then you’ll have backup. You’ll have people you can trust.”
My happy moment fades and a bunny raises his head and seems to look at me. He knows a possible predator is near. He knows he’s in danger and yet he stays perfectly still. Acting as if when he freezes he becomes invisible, but all he’s done is made himself an easier target.
It’s the same thing I’ll be doing if I return to selling on the streets.
“I’ll tell you something else nobody knows,” he whispers.
“Other than you can play guitar,” I tease.
I feel his chest rumbling with his laugh and I like the sensation.
“Tell me.”
Logan pauses and the weight of what he’s about to tell me settles onto my body. Whatever it is, he’s drowning in it. “My father accused me of having no idea who I am. He says that I just ride whatever wave is in front of me to the shore.”
His statement is one of those that means thinking before responding. Above us a bird flaps its wings as it moves from one rafter to the next. I snuggle in tighter to Logan and watch as two bunnies sniff each other’s noses. Wish making friends in the real world was that easy.
Who is Logan? A baseball player, brilliant, a daredevil, a drag racer, a tree climber, a great kisser, a friend. Loyal and larger than life. Sexy and strong. Quiet but his presence is loud. Overbearing yet kind. Persistent and patient.
In the end, it doesn’t matter who I think he is, it doesn’t matter who Logan’s father thinks Logan is, the only opinion that matters on this subject is Logan’s.
“What do you think of what he said?” I ask.
“I’m scared he’s right.”
If my grandmother was of sound mind, what would she think of me? Would she be firm that I had a good grasp of who I am? I lower my head. There’s no point in pretending to guess for an answer. I already know. She’d be ashamed of my choices...she’d state the obvious just like Logan’s father...
“I’m scared he’d be right on me, too,” I say. “I’m not sure I know who I am, either.”
“You’re a girl who likes bunnies.”
I smile at that and let the back of my head rest on his chest. “Not a bad start.”
“No, it’s not.”
I pull back from Logan and my fingers trace along his bicep where he had given himself a shot at lunch then along his stomach where I had seen him give himself a shot before dinner.
How cruel is fate to bring me and Logan together? A girl whose lifestyle will kill her and a boy who can’t exchange the health hand he’s been dealt. “Does it hurt? The shots I mean?”
“I’m used to it.”
Not really an answer, yet it is at the same time. “I have a ton of questions. Besides movies and TV, I don’t understand diabetes at all. Like what’s the difference between type 1 and type 2? Why do I see you eat sweets—like are you cheating? Which I’m okay with unless chocolate cake can kill you then we’ve got a problem. And how do you know how to test and give yourself shots? And are you going to be okay?”
Besides the cooing of a few pigeons in the rafters, the barn is quiet, but heavy. Filled with all the words I don’t know how to say, emotions I’m not sure how to feel.
“I did trust you,” I say, softly. “When it counted, you are the one I told about Grams. I trusted you to take care of what I love the most.”
Logan blows out an audible breath. “I know. I’m sorry.”
Me, too. I study Logan under the dim light. His shirt is off, his muscles flexed in tense emotion. He’s beautiful and strong and I trust him more than I trust anyone else. Have been honest with him more than I’ve been honest with anyone else, even myself.
Would I have looked upon Logan differently if I had known from the beginning he had diabetes? I purse my lips. Wish I could say I’m a better person, but I’ve never claimed to be good. Odds are I would have second-guessed him—would have wondered if he could have really kept up with me and Isaiah.
Knowing Logan like I do, he would have eventually proved himself, but that’s the problem—why should Logan have to prove himself because of the shitty hand his genetics dealt him?
“I did it for you,” Logan says to the dirt floor. “I told everyone about my diabetes for you. I risked my best friendships, risked changing how they think of me, for you. I knew telling them about your grandmother would hurt you so I made them mad at me. To make it fair between us—I told them my secret. So thanks, for what you did today. For distracting them after my shot. Just...thanks.”
Logan grabs his bag again and shame heats my face and it’s not an emotion I’m used to. It’s a sickening feeling and I’m experiencing it because I’ve hurt Logan’s pride. “Logan.”
But he ignores me.
“Logan!” And when he won’t stop, I fall into step with him and place my fingers on his bicep. “Logan, please stop.”
He does, halting so quickly that I almost ram into him. We’re at the barn door and he stares out into the night.
Logan’s done what I wanted, but I’m paralyzed. Talking, convincing people to stay, giving words to my emotions—that’s not something I’m used to. Not something I’m sure how to do. “I was mad...at Chris for stepping in and...I am mad...at you...for telling everyone...but then I’m not...and...”
“Be quiet, Abby.”
He’s angry. Logan should be angry. I cut him down...proved why he never wanted to share what he did... I thought leaving him or him leaving me was what I desired, but there’s this desperation I can’t shake. “Just listen...this isn’t easy...”
“I mean it,” he says in a harsh whisper. “Stop talking.”
“You’re serious?” Panic wells up inside me. “This is when you give up on me? This moment...one stupid moment...I’m telling you I’m sorry...”
Dizziness overwhelms me and heat rushes up my neck, to my face and blasts me in such a way that causes my throat to swell shut. I don’t tell people I’m sorry. I don’t apologize and when I do, it’s too late.
Never did I think Logan would give up on me...not when he showed up on my staircase after I tried to shove him away, not after that kiss on my bed. In the back of my mind, no—in the depth of my soul—I always thought he’d be there, just like he said, to catch me when I fall...
...and Logan and I both know how long and tough my falls are.
“I didn’t mean what I said,” I rush out before he can stop me again. “You’re right, I care about you. A lot.”
I sway with the words and a hand crashes to my heart. I love him. Oh, God, I do love him. This isn’t falling. This isn’t a maybe. This is love and I’m not allowed to love anyone else. There’s only room for Grams.
Logan finally looks over at me and the frustration that had marred his beautiful dark eyes is gone. He reaches up and tucks my hair behind my shoulder. When his fingers feather against my face pleasing chills trickle down my spine. Like we’re in sync, I lean my cheek into him and Logan cups my face with his hand.
He tilts his head to the yard. “I didn’t want you to scare the bunnies.”
I blink and a sweep of his thumb across my face shakes me back to life. “What?”
“Look.” Logan drops his hand but then slips his arm around my waist and slides behind me so that his front warms my back. His head is against mine, his breath billows through the stands of my hair and I have goose bumps. Me, I have the good, pleasing type of goose bumps.
I lick my dry lips and try to see what Logan suggested is there. At first, all I see is dark—blackness, but with a few blinks and a track of a movement to my right, I see an ear then another then two more. My heart pounds and excitement tickles my bloodstream. Bunnies. The yard in front of the barn is filled with bunnies. They’re brown and furry and the urge is to rush out, grab one, and squish it to my face.
“It’s Timothy hay,” he whispers, referring to the bales behind us. “It’s sweet to them. I wonder how long they’ve been stalking us.”
While the guys were taking the bales off the trailer, loose pieces of hay fell to the ground and now lots of the joyous critters are partaking in a free meal. Just when I couldn’t love bunnies more, I do—they also appreciate being a scavenger. Beautiful little scavengers.
Logan locks his arms around me and I wrap my arms around his, enjoying this hug, enjoying his hold. He turns his head, nuzzling his nose into my hair. “Abby?”
I close my eyes and breathe in to calm the thundering in my soul. “Yes?”
“You know I care for you, too.”
I squeeze his arms and Logan places a slow kiss against the side of my head.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “For what I said...” For pushing him away.
“I can’t lose you. You returning to selling, I’m not okay with it. Do anything else you want. Lion taming. Sniper. Detonation expert. Juggling fire. High school guidance counselor.”
The right side of my mouth tips up. “That’s safer?”
“At least then you’ll have backup. You’ll have people you can trust.”
My happy moment fades and a bunny raises his head and seems to look at me. He knows a possible predator is near. He knows he’s in danger and yet he stays perfectly still. Acting as if when he freezes he becomes invisible, but all he’s done is made himself an easier target.
It’s the same thing I’ll be doing if I return to selling on the streets.
“I’ll tell you something else nobody knows,” he whispers.
“Other than you can play guitar,” I tease.
I feel his chest rumbling with his laugh and I like the sensation.
“Tell me.”
Logan pauses and the weight of what he’s about to tell me settles onto my body. Whatever it is, he’s drowning in it. “My father accused me of having no idea who I am. He says that I just ride whatever wave is in front of me to the shore.”
His statement is one of those that means thinking before responding. Above us a bird flaps its wings as it moves from one rafter to the next. I snuggle in tighter to Logan and watch as two bunnies sniff each other’s noses. Wish making friends in the real world was that easy.
Who is Logan? A baseball player, brilliant, a daredevil, a drag racer, a tree climber, a great kisser, a friend. Loyal and larger than life. Sexy and strong. Quiet but his presence is loud. Overbearing yet kind. Persistent and patient.
In the end, it doesn’t matter who I think he is, it doesn’t matter who Logan’s father thinks Logan is, the only opinion that matters on this subject is Logan’s.
“What do you think of what he said?” I ask.
“I’m scared he’s right.”
If my grandmother was of sound mind, what would she think of me? Would she be firm that I had a good grasp of who I am? I lower my head. There’s no point in pretending to guess for an answer. I already know. She’d be ashamed of my choices...she’d state the obvious just like Logan’s father...
“I’m scared he’d be right on me, too,” I say. “I’m not sure I know who I am, either.”
“You’re a girl who likes bunnies.”
I smile at that and let the back of my head rest on his chest. “Not a bad start.”
“No, it’s not.”
I pull back from Logan and my fingers trace along his bicep where he had given himself a shot at lunch then along his stomach where I had seen him give himself a shot before dinner.
How cruel is fate to bring me and Logan together? A girl whose lifestyle will kill her and a boy who can’t exchange the health hand he’s been dealt. “Does it hurt? The shots I mean?”
“I’m used to it.”
Not really an answer, yet it is at the same time. “I have a ton of questions. Besides movies and TV, I don’t understand diabetes at all. Like what’s the difference between type 1 and type 2? Why do I see you eat sweets—like are you cheating? Which I’m okay with unless chocolate cake can kill you then we’ve got a problem. And how do you know how to test and give yourself shots? And are you going to be okay?”
