Chasing Impossible
Page 52
Mom pushes a meatball around with her fork and I reach over and squeeze her wrist. “You’re here now and you’re here when it counts.”
“You deserved a family that could stay intact.”
I think of Abby’s love and adoration for her father. I think of her biological mother, who sold Abby for heroin. Yeah, I have friends that have parents with rock solid marriages, and some who don’t. None of that matters though. I think I’m pretty damn lucky with what I got.
“You love me.” I stand, not wanting to see their reaction, open the fridge, and find the salad. “Both of you do. That’s enough.”
I set the salad on the table and my parents have gone mute. This emotional raw sharing is new and I hope it stays new. I don’t think I could handle this bullshit often. Mom scoops some salad onto her plate and Dad eats a meatless ball, washing it down with water. All these years have passed and he’ll joke, but when it comes down to it, his plate will be clean because he still doesn’t want to hurt her feelings.
That’s a real man right there.
“Your father always preferred eating dinner late,” Mom says. “Remember when you used to work second shift and I would have food waiting for you when you walked in?”
Dad does that grin that tells me he likes the memory. “She used to cook meat then. Real meat.”
“It was awful. I swear I could hear the poor little things screaming as I placed it in the pan. Do you remember how we used to make love before dessert?”
I choke on a cherry tomato. “Too much sharing.”
“It’s natural, Logan. How else do you think you were made?”
“Test tube. Did you miss I’m dating a drug dealer?”
“No,” says Mom. “And we didn’t miss that you’re in love with her, that she’s leaving it, and she’s leaving you.”
Dad just does that thing where he looks at me and I understand all the words he doesn’t know how to say. Like he’s sorry, that’s he’s been there, and it’s tough to lose someone you love.
“Think they have a parenting book on that?” Mom asks. “My Son was Dating a Drug Dealer? Because otherwise, I don’t know what to say. Other than I’m a little concerned I might have bought from her at some point. That would have been awkward. Is she vegetarian? What was her sign?”
I smile because Mom is being Mom and Dad starts in on how she’s too old to smoke pot. I listen to their playful banter, eat another meatless ball and look at the two people sharing dinner with me at midnight. For the moment I enjoy knowing, I’m blessed.
Abby
“Abby.” Nate’s deep voice causes me to jolt awake and almost roll off the couch. I immediately look over at my grandmother who is sleeping deeply in the hospital bed.
Nate explained that Grams is too weak and fragile now for him to constantly carry her up and down the stairs. I trust Nate’s assessment. He loves her as if she was his own flesh and blood.
The room is dark, except for light shining in from the street lamps. The grandfather clock confirms it’s after midnight and I immediately go on alert when Nate places his finger over his lips. “Someone is outside.”
I reach for my blade positioned in my back pocket. “Did they knock?”
“No. Walked up the stairs and sat down in the porch swing. I waited a minute or two before waking you. The guy looks settled like he’s not leaving.”
Adrenaline rushes through me as I stand and head over to the window. I thought I had been careful returning to Louisville. Made Isaiah take several streets to make sure we weren’t followed and I haven’t called Linus since the farm.
I don’t move the curtains, but instead squint through the small crack between them and curse under my breath. My heart beats hard twice. I’m either in a good place or a bad place, but either way I’m screwed.
“If I leave with him call Logan immediately.”
Nate steps in front of me as I go for the door. “I can take care of him.”
I assess the massive man in front of me and have no doubts he could double as a bodyguard. “Stick with healing. One of us needs a clear conscience. Lock the door behind me and if he tries to come in, call the police.”
I walk around him and hate how the door always groans when it opens. It totally kills sneaking in or out. Once I’m out into the warm night, I close the door behind me and meet the eyes of the person I had mistakenly trusted.
“How long have you known?” I ask Linus.
The porch swing creaks under his weight. “A while. Your dad messed up once. Years ago. Got a phone call you were sick. He was emotional. Sloppy. Didn’t watch his back and I was curious so I followed.”
“Anyone else know?”
“What do you think?”
I think Grams would have already been used against me if he had told. “Guess you want me to thank you for that.”
“There’s a lot you should thank me for.”
I snort. “Should I thank you for knowing how Jesus felt about Judas?”
Linus leans forward and bounces his ball against the aging wood of the porch. “It was never to go as far as it did. Tommy was just supposed to scare you and I was supposed to swoop in and save you. Tommy was pissed you knifed him. He was only supposed to scare you with a missed shot. That was it, but when you drew blood, he thought you saw him and he reacted out of instinct. Out of rage, out of fear of you fingering him, so he shot you. He was wrong.”
“You were wrong.”
Linus raises his head to meet my eyes and the grim reaper I recently saw in my father is there in the cold stare. “Tommy’s been dealt with, and I’m in the midst of paying penance for my sins.”
My gut twists and I understand there’s no point in asking or pleading for Tommy. Justice, in whatever form, has been served.
“You were pulling away, Abby. Making friends. Kissing some guy and looking at him like you cared. Fuck, it’s like you were going out of your way to break your father’s rules.”
“You couldn’t try letting me go? I hear there’s a song with a cute snowman. You should give it a try.”
“You were my meal ticket. My relationship with you made me important to Ricky. You quit and I lost my leverage.”
I overly pout my bottom lip. “Oh, boo hoo. Poor Linus has to be promoted based on his own merit.” I lose the mock caring act. “Get the fuck off my porch.”
“You really want to disappear, Abby? Because I don’t think that’s what you want.”
“What I want is not your concern.”
“Return to selling and I swear to God you’ll be safe and if you want to keep your friends, keep Logan, then I won’t stand in your way.”
I throw my arms out to my sides. “Because of you I was shot! I could have died!”
“I know!” he roars as he stands. “You and your dad were the closest thing I had to a family and I’m well aware I fucked up, but you were leaving. I couldn’t let you leave.”
I cross my arms and lower my head because I don’t want to hear or see any this. I don’t want to hear how Linus cared or see how he’s hurting. “You betrayed me.”
“I’m sorry.”
He shoves his hands into his sagging jean pockets and he waits. For what I don’t know. As fucked up as Linus was, I understood him, because I was just as messed up. We were related by a man who took us in regardless of how mentally screwed in the head we were. Linus and I—we weren’t really friends, but we were allies and that used to mean something. It’s as close to being emotional as Linus would allow—as close to an emotion as I used to allow and now I’m leaving.
“I can’t forgive you,” I say. “Not now.”
“I know. Your dad knows what I did, but I have a feeling you know this otherwise you wouldn’t have come back into town. He’s pissed, but he understands why I did what I did.”
Dad offered him some sort of forgiveness because our world will always be a complicated one, which is why Dad has told me to leave. Plus Dad only has so much pull left in the outside world. Touching Linus may not be one of the things he can do anymore.
“I know you don’t want to leave, Abby.”
“I’m not selling anymore.”
“I get that. I thought I would offer you another out. One where you can leave selling and Ricky won’t ask you to return. One where you might walk without too much fear of repercussions later.”
My forehead furrows as I wait for his explanation. I’ve tried to think of a thousand ways to walk from selling where Ricky wouldn’t be asking me back or wouldn’t be hunting me down in fear of what I know.
“Remember Travis Barnell?”
“He sold on the east side.” Did great, too. He moved up quickly. Had lots of contacts and, in the end, wasn’t a psychopath. One of those nice guys that could have done real things with his life.
Linus raises his eyebrows, waiting for me to catch up and my lungs constrict. “You want me to get arrested? He served two years next to Dad.”
“But when Travis was released, Ricky didn’t want him back as a seller. Too many eyes were on him and because Travis didn’t snitch, Ricky left him alone.”
“You deserved a family that could stay intact.”
I think of Abby’s love and adoration for her father. I think of her biological mother, who sold Abby for heroin. Yeah, I have friends that have parents with rock solid marriages, and some who don’t. None of that matters though. I think I’m pretty damn lucky with what I got.
“You love me.” I stand, not wanting to see their reaction, open the fridge, and find the salad. “Both of you do. That’s enough.”
I set the salad on the table and my parents have gone mute. This emotional raw sharing is new and I hope it stays new. I don’t think I could handle this bullshit often. Mom scoops some salad onto her plate and Dad eats a meatless ball, washing it down with water. All these years have passed and he’ll joke, but when it comes down to it, his plate will be clean because he still doesn’t want to hurt her feelings.
That’s a real man right there.
“Your father always preferred eating dinner late,” Mom says. “Remember when you used to work second shift and I would have food waiting for you when you walked in?”
Dad does that grin that tells me he likes the memory. “She used to cook meat then. Real meat.”
“It was awful. I swear I could hear the poor little things screaming as I placed it in the pan. Do you remember how we used to make love before dessert?”
I choke on a cherry tomato. “Too much sharing.”
“It’s natural, Logan. How else do you think you were made?”
“Test tube. Did you miss I’m dating a drug dealer?”
“No,” says Mom. “And we didn’t miss that you’re in love with her, that she’s leaving it, and she’s leaving you.”
Dad just does that thing where he looks at me and I understand all the words he doesn’t know how to say. Like he’s sorry, that’s he’s been there, and it’s tough to lose someone you love.
“Think they have a parenting book on that?” Mom asks. “My Son was Dating a Drug Dealer? Because otherwise, I don’t know what to say. Other than I’m a little concerned I might have bought from her at some point. That would have been awkward. Is she vegetarian? What was her sign?”
I smile because Mom is being Mom and Dad starts in on how she’s too old to smoke pot. I listen to their playful banter, eat another meatless ball and look at the two people sharing dinner with me at midnight. For the moment I enjoy knowing, I’m blessed.
Abby
“Abby.” Nate’s deep voice causes me to jolt awake and almost roll off the couch. I immediately look over at my grandmother who is sleeping deeply in the hospital bed.
Nate explained that Grams is too weak and fragile now for him to constantly carry her up and down the stairs. I trust Nate’s assessment. He loves her as if she was his own flesh and blood.
The room is dark, except for light shining in from the street lamps. The grandfather clock confirms it’s after midnight and I immediately go on alert when Nate places his finger over his lips. “Someone is outside.”
I reach for my blade positioned in my back pocket. “Did they knock?”
“No. Walked up the stairs and sat down in the porch swing. I waited a minute or two before waking you. The guy looks settled like he’s not leaving.”
Adrenaline rushes through me as I stand and head over to the window. I thought I had been careful returning to Louisville. Made Isaiah take several streets to make sure we weren’t followed and I haven’t called Linus since the farm.
I don’t move the curtains, but instead squint through the small crack between them and curse under my breath. My heart beats hard twice. I’m either in a good place or a bad place, but either way I’m screwed.
“If I leave with him call Logan immediately.”
Nate steps in front of me as I go for the door. “I can take care of him.”
I assess the massive man in front of me and have no doubts he could double as a bodyguard. “Stick with healing. One of us needs a clear conscience. Lock the door behind me and if he tries to come in, call the police.”
I walk around him and hate how the door always groans when it opens. It totally kills sneaking in or out. Once I’m out into the warm night, I close the door behind me and meet the eyes of the person I had mistakenly trusted.
“How long have you known?” I ask Linus.
The porch swing creaks under his weight. “A while. Your dad messed up once. Years ago. Got a phone call you were sick. He was emotional. Sloppy. Didn’t watch his back and I was curious so I followed.”
“Anyone else know?”
“What do you think?”
I think Grams would have already been used against me if he had told. “Guess you want me to thank you for that.”
“There’s a lot you should thank me for.”
I snort. “Should I thank you for knowing how Jesus felt about Judas?”
Linus leans forward and bounces his ball against the aging wood of the porch. “It was never to go as far as it did. Tommy was just supposed to scare you and I was supposed to swoop in and save you. Tommy was pissed you knifed him. He was only supposed to scare you with a missed shot. That was it, but when you drew blood, he thought you saw him and he reacted out of instinct. Out of rage, out of fear of you fingering him, so he shot you. He was wrong.”
“You were wrong.”
Linus raises his head to meet my eyes and the grim reaper I recently saw in my father is there in the cold stare. “Tommy’s been dealt with, and I’m in the midst of paying penance for my sins.”
My gut twists and I understand there’s no point in asking or pleading for Tommy. Justice, in whatever form, has been served.
“You were pulling away, Abby. Making friends. Kissing some guy and looking at him like you cared. Fuck, it’s like you were going out of your way to break your father’s rules.”
“You couldn’t try letting me go? I hear there’s a song with a cute snowman. You should give it a try.”
“You were my meal ticket. My relationship with you made me important to Ricky. You quit and I lost my leverage.”
I overly pout my bottom lip. “Oh, boo hoo. Poor Linus has to be promoted based on his own merit.” I lose the mock caring act. “Get the fuck off my porch.”
“You really want to disappear, Abby? Because I don’t think that’s what you want.”
“What I want is not your concern.”
“Return to selling and I swear to God you’ll be safe and if you want to keep your friends, keep Logan, then I won’t stand in your way.”
I throw my arms out to my sides. “Because of you I was shot! I could have died!”
“I know!” he roars as he stands. “You and your dad were the closest thing I had to a family and I’m well aware I fucked up, but you were leaving. I couldn’t let you leave.”
I cross my arms and lower my head because I don’t want to hear or see any this. I don’t want to hear how Linus cared or see how he’s hurting. “You betrayed me.”
“I’m sorry.”
He shoves his hands into his sagging jean pockets and he waits. For what I don’t know. As fucked up as Linus was, I understood him, because I was just as messed up. We were related by a man who took us in regardless of how mentally screwed in the head we were. Linus and I—we weren’t really friends, but we were allies and that used to mean something. It’s as close to being emotional as Linus would allow—as close to an emotion as I used to allow and now I’m leaving.
“I can’t forgive you,” I say. “Not now.”
“I know. Your dad knows what I did, but I have a feeling you know this otherwise you wouldn’t have come back into town. He’s pissed, but he understands why I did what I did.”
Dad offered him some sort of forgiveness because our world will always be a complicated one, which is why Dad has told me to leave. Plus Dad only has so much pull left in the outside world. Touching Linus may not be one of the things he can do anymore.
“I know you don’t want to leave, Abby.”
“I’m not selling anymore.”
“I get that. I thought I would offer you another out. One where you can leave selling and Ricky won’t ask you to return. One where you might walk without too much fear of repercussions later.”
My forehead furrows as I wait for his explanation. I’ve tried to think of a thousand ways to walk from selling where Ricky wouldn’t be asking me back or wouldn’t be hunting me down in fear of what I know.
“Remember Travis Barnell?”
“He sold on the east side.” Did great, too. He moved up quickly. Had lots of contacts and, in the end, wasn’t a psychopath. One of those nice guys that could have done real things with his life.
Linus raises his eyebrows, waiting for me to catch up and my lungs constrict. “You want me to get arrested? He served two years next to Dad.”
“But when Travis was released, Ricky didn’t want him back as a seller. Too many eyes were on him and because Travis didn’t snitch, Ricky left him alone.”
