Chasing Perfect
Page 31
Charity raised her eyebrows. “I’m not sure you should be telling me that.”
He turned to her, his hazel-green eyes dark with concern. “I know what you think when you look at her.”
“I doubt that.”
“I know what I think. It was a long time ago. I’m not sorry it’s over.”
Wasn’t he? After all, Angelique had left him. He wanted to get back into racing, to return to his former glory. How much of that was about showing his ex-wife exactly what she’d lost? Once he was on top again, it would be his turn to do the rejecting. Or maybe he planned to get back together with her and make perfect babies together. A completely irrational thought, she told herself. No doubt brought to life by worry and surging hormones.
“Don’t go there,” he told her.
“Go where?”
“Wherever it is you are right now. I’m not interested in her. Been there, done that.”
“Bought the T-shirt?”
He grinned at her. “Uh-huh.”
She looked at him, as if seeing him for the first time. The perfect features, the easy smile, the giant ego and warm, caring heart. He was a good guy, and under other circumstances, she would be almost comfortable having fallen in love with him. Unfortunately, she was dealing with these circumstances.
“Charity?” he asked, looking concerned. “What’s wrong?”
She drew in a breath, then coughed up the truth.
“I’m pregnant.”
JOSH HAD BEEN PREPARED to hear her say she thought she was coming down with something, or the sight of Angelique was intimidating or that she had decided she hated small-town living and wanted to move to L.A.
Instead there were two words and a faint buzzing sound in his head. He felt as if all the air had been sucked from the room. He couldn’t breathe, but that was the least of it. He couldn’t think. Couldn’t figure out what she’d meant.
She gazed at him expectantly, making him aware that he was supposed to say something in response.
Pregnant? Pregnant.
There was going to be a baby. His baby.
Josh rose from the bed and stared at Charity. A sense of urgency swept through him. He couldn’t have a kid now—he wasn’t ready. He didn’t have enough of his shit together. He would screw up everything.
Time, he told himself quickly. He had a few months to get ready. To figure it out and be the kind of dad a kid deserved.
Charity turned away. “I don’t expect anything,” she said flatly. “You don’t have to panic. I’m telling you as a courtesy, nothing more.”
He didn’t like the sound of that. “What do you mean?”
“I’m the one who’s pregnant, not you. The baby is my responsibility.”
“Mine, too,” he said, still not able to grasp the significance of what was happening.
A child. They were going to bring a child into the world. The phrase “ready or not” had never been so significant.
“I’ll figure this out,” he said, more to himself than her.
“You don’t have to.”
“I’m a part of this,” he told her. “I’ll be there for you and the baby.”
She didn’t look as if she believed him. Knowing all she did about his past, how he’d failed, he knew why she had doubts.
“Just give me a little time,” he told her, as he backed toward the door. “You’ll see.”
And then he was gone. Charity leaned back against the pillow and smoothed her hand over the still warm place on the bed. What she would see was how quickly he left, she thought sadly. His reaction wasn’t a surprise, but it was still very much a disappointment.
“OH MY GOD!” Pia stood in the doorway to her apartment and stared wide-eyed at Charity. “You look incredible. I love the cut and the color. You went to Julia, didn’t you? No one does highlights like her. Don’t tell Bella I said that. Wow. You’re all fluffy and pretty.”
Charity smiled wanly at her friend. “I’m not feeling especially fluffy.”
“Then come in and we’ll change that.”
Charity walked into the cheerful apartment. “I’m sorry for dropping in like this. I should have called. It’s late.”
Pia shook her head. “Don’t be silly. It’s not like I have a date or anything.” She led the way into the living room, where the TV showed a frozen frame of a movie. Sandra Bullock stood by a mailbox next to a house made almost entirely of glass.
“The Lake House,” Pia said. “I love it. I can’t help myself. He waited for her for two years. What guy does that?”
Charity hadn’t meant to come here. After Josh had left, she’d told herself that she would be fine. That she would get through this. Hundreds, maybe thousands of single women found out they were pregnant every day. They managed. It wasn’t the idea of being a parent on her own that was ripping her up inside. It was the realization that Josh didn’t love her back. She hadn’t really expected him to, but now she couldn’t even hope for a happy ending.
“All men are pigs,” she said, then motioned to the screen. “Except Keanu Reeves.”
“Exactly.” Pia led her to the sofa. “Although I should probably tell you I do have a new guy in my life.” She motioned to the short-haired marmalade cat curled up in a club chair. “That’s Jake,” she said, lowering her voice. “Crystal’s cat.”
“Oh. He’s beautiful.”
The cat looked up and stared at Charity. His eyes were large and the color of emeralds. His expression turned haughty, as if he found her wanting, then he put his head back down and closed his eyes.
“We’re spending the weekend together, seeing if we can figure out if we get along.” Pia wrinkled her nose. “I’m not really a pet person, but it’s a way to help Crystal. And maybe having a cat around will be a good thing.” She sounded doubtful.
“Is he friendly?”
“I don’t know. He keeps to himself. I’m respecting his need to take things slow.”
Charity stared at her friend. “He’s a cat.”
“I know, but aren’t they supposed to be haughty and aloof? I thought if I let him make the first move, things would go better. I don’t want him to think I want the relationship more than he does.”
“I think you’re giving him way too much credit. He doesn’t have a master plan.”
Pia eyed her loaner pet. “I’m thinking maybe he does. We’ll see what happens. So far he’s very quiet. And clean. I thought I’d be freaked out by the idea of a litterbox, but I’m not. His aim is a lot better than most guys I know.”
“Maybe he’s the answer.”
“Maybe.” Pia turned toward her. “Can I get you something? I have an assortment of ice cream selections. I’m going through a dairy phase. There’s not a single cookie in the whole place, but I probably have five different kinds of ice cream.”
“No, thanks.” Charity touched her stomach. So far she hadn’t had any cravings or queasiness, but she didn’t want to push anything too far.
“What’s going on?” Pia asked. “Something happened and I’m guessing it was with Josh.”
Charity nodded. “I don’t know why I let myself believe this would be different. Of all the guys to fall for. What was I thinking?”
“You weren’t thinking. That’s the problem. We don’t think when it comes to men. Honestly, I don’t know why Marsha is so hell-bent on getting more of them in town. They’re nothing but trouble.”
She reached for Charity’s hand and squeezed it. “Start at the beginning and tell me the horrible thing he’s done. Then we’ll get drunk and call him names.”
“I can’t.”
Pia smiled. “Don’t worry. We’ll find your anger. It’s right under the hurt. Trust me—I have a world of experience at this. I’ll have you swearing in ways you never thought possible.”
Charity stared at her friend. “No, I mean I can’t have anything to drink. I’m pregnant.”
She had to give Pia credit. Nothing about her expression changed. Her only reaction was to calmly ask, “Are you sure?”
“I peed on a stick.”
“And there’s only been Josh?”
That made Charity smile. “Do I seem like someone who would sleep with more than one guy?”
“You have depths. It could happen.”
“It didn’t. I’m pregnant.” She said the words more for herself than Pia, to help herself get used to the idea.
“How do you feel about it?” Pia asked. “Have you always dreamed of having children?”
“Sure. Haven’t you?”
Pia shrugged. “Some days. But it’s a lot of responsibility, and parents can really screw up a kid. I’m not sure I want to take the risk of passing on the family tradition of emotional devastation. But we’re not talking about me. How do you feel?”
“I don’t know. Excited, scared.” She drew in a breath and mentally poked around inside. “Happy,” she said slowly, then realized it was true. “I’m happy.”
“Then yay you.” Pia squeezed her fingers again. “You’ll be a great mom.”
“How do you know?”
“You have the personality. You take care of things. You care. You have Marsha for a grandmother and she’s amazing.”
“This isn’t how I would have chosen to do things,” she admitted. “But I don’t have regrets.”
Pia released her hand, then wrinkled her nose. “At the risk of breaking your mood, I’m guessing Josh didn’t take it very well? You wouldn’t be here if he did.”
“He freaked,” Charity said with a sigh. “He mumbled something about figuring it out, swore he would be there for me and the baby, then raced out so fast he left those clichéd skid marks on the floor. There’s no way he’s going to be able to handle it.”
She hated to think that, let alone say it. “I didn’t realize I had a whole fantasy about Josh until it all came crashing down around me. I’d hoped he would be excited, or at least open to the idea.”
“At the risk of violating the girl code, you need to give him a break. You told him something huge. He should get a few minutes to absorb it all. He might surprise you.”
“Not in a good way.”
Pia shook her head. “Josh is a good guy. When things are tough, he comes through. Give him a little credit.”
“For running?”
“Okay, then give him a chance to step up and do the right thing. He said he’d be there for you.”
“What does that mean?” Charity found herself getting irritated. “Maybe he’ll do promo shots with the baby for someone who makes athletic gear for infants. That’s about all he’s interested in. He’s getting back into racing. What matters to him is being the man he was. He’s told me that. He wants to return to that world, claim it all again. This is about being famous. He wants to be the guy on the poster.”
Pia stared at her for a long time. “What do you want?” she asked softly.
“I want everything he doesn’t. A traditional life. Husband, kids. A house and a dog.” She glanced at the now sleeping Jake. “Maybe a cat. I want a certainty to my days. I want roots and neighbors and date night and the rhythm of the seasons. I want passion and loyalty.”
“Did you tell him that?”
“I didn’t have a chance. I barely managed to say I was pregnant and he was gone.”
“He’ll be back.”
“It won’t change anything.” Charity leaned toward her friend. “You’ve known Josh for years. Has he ever once struck you as the domestic type?”
“He has his moments.”
“The man lives in a hotel. You know that racing is everything to him. No. Not the racing. He doesn’t want to compete, he wants to win. He wants to be a god again. There’s no room for ordinary where he’s going.”
“So you’re going to assume the worst about him without asking for what you want, or even hinting that there’s something he can do to make you happy.”
“What? No. That’s not fair.”
“You didn’t tell him what you want?”
“I already told you. There wasn’t time.”
“And when he comes back to talk to you about all this? You know he will. What happens then? Is he supposed to read your mind?”
“If he cared about me at all, he’d already know what I want.”
The words sounded lame, even as Charity spoke them. Pia simply raised her eyebrows.
Charity shifted on her seat. “Okay,” she began. “I sort of see your point. I should probably tell Josh what I’m thinking. It’s the mature thing to do.”
“I know you don’t want to get hurt,” Pia said.
Charity nodded. “I love him. I’m in love with him, which I’m okay with. The thing is, I don’t think he’s interested in loving me back.”
“You won’t know until you talk to him.”
“And when he crushes me like a bug?”
Pia gave her a warm smile. “You don’t know he will.”
“Can you honestly see him saying he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life?”
“Yes.”
Now it was Charity’s turn to smile, although her feelings were more sad than hopeful. “You’re not a very good liar.”
He turned to her, his hazel-green eyes dark with concern. “I know what you think when you look at her.”
“I doubt that.”
“I know what I think. It was a long time ago. I’m not sorry it’s over.”
Wasn’t he? After all, Angelique had left him. He wanted to get back into racing, to return to his former glory. How much of that was about showing his ex-wife exactly what she’d lost? Once he was on top again, it would be his turn to do the rejecting. Or maybe he planned to get back together with her and make perfect babies together. A completely irrational thought, she told herself. No doubt brought to life by worry and surging hormones.
“Don’t go there,” he told her.
“Go where?”
“Wherever it is you are right now. I’m not interested in her. Been there, done that.”
“Bought the T-shirt?”
He grinned at her. “Uh-huh.”
She looked at him, as if seeing him for the first time. The perfect features, the easy smile, the giant ego and warm, caring heart. He was a good guy, and under other circumstances, she would be almost comfortable having fallen in love with him. Unfortunately, she was dealing with these circumstances.
“Charity?” he asked, looking concerned. “What’s wrong?”
She drew in a breath, then coughed up the truth.
“I’m pregnant.”
JOSH HAD BEEN PREPARED to hear her say she thought she was coming down with something, or the sight of Angelique was intimidating or that she had decided she hated small-town living and wanted to move to L.A.
Instead there were two words and a faint buzzing sound in his head. He felt as if all the air had been sucked from the room. He couldn’t breathe, but that was the least of it. He couldn’t think. Couldn’t figure out what she’d meant.
She gazed at him expectantly, making him aware that he was supposed to say something in response.
Pregnant? Pregnant.
There was going to be a baby. His baby.
Josh rose from the bed and stared at Charity. A sense of urgency swept through him. He couldn’t have a kid now—he wasn’t ready. He didn’t have enough of his shit together. He would screw up everything.
Time, he told himself quickly. He had a few months to get ready. To figure it out and be the kind of dad a kid deserved.
Charity turned away. “I don’t expect anything,” she said flatly. “You don’t have to panic. I’m telling you as a courtesy, nothing more.”
He didn’t like the sound of that. “What do you mean?”
“I’m the one who’s pregnant, not you. The baby is my responsibility.”
“Mine, too,” he said, still not able to grasp the significance of what was happening.
A child. They were going to bring a child into the world. The phrase “ready or not” had never been so significant.
“I’ll figure this out,” he said, more to himself than her.
“You don’t have to.”
“I’m a part of this,” he told her. “I’ll be there for you and the baby.”
She didn’t look as if she believed him. Knowing all she did about his past, how he’d failed, he knew why she had doubts.
“Just give me a little time,” he told her, as he backed toward the door. “You’ll see.”
And then he was gone. Charity leaned back against the pillow and smoothed her hand over the still warm place on the bed. What she would see was how quickly he left, she thought sadly. His reaction wasn’t a surprise, but it was still very much a disappointment.
“OH MY GOD!” Pia stood in the doorway to her apartment and stared wide-eyed at Charity. “You look incredible. I love the cut and the color. You went to Julia, didn’t you? No one does highlights like her. Don’t tell Bella I said that. Wow. You’re all fluffy and pretty.”
Charity smiled wanly at her friend. “I’m not feeling especially fluffy.”
“Then come in and we’ll change that.”
Charity walked into the cheerful apartment. “I’m sorry for dropping in like this. I should have called. It’s late.”
Pia shook her head. “Don’t be silly. It’s not like I have a date or anything.” She led the way into the living room, where the TV showed a frozen frame of a movie. Sandra Bullock stood by a mailbox next to a house made almost entirely of glass.
“The Lake House,” Pia said. “I love it. I can’t help myself. He waited for her for two years. What guy does that?”
Charity hadn’t meant to come here. After Josh had left, she’d told herself that she would be fine. That she would get through this. Hundreds, maybe thousands of single women found out they were pregnant every day. They managed. It wasn’t the idea of being a parent on her own that was ripping her up inside. It was the realization that Josh didn’t love her back. She hadn’t really expected him to, but now she couldn’t even hope for a happy ending.
“All men are pigs,” she said, then motioned to the screen. “Except Keanu Reeves.”
“Exactly.” Pia led her to the sofa. “Although I should probably tell you I do have a new guy in my life.” She motioned to the short-haired marmalade cat curled up in a club chair. “That’s Jake,” she said, lowering her voice. “Crystal’s cat.”
“Oh. He’s beautiful.”
The cat looked up and stared at Charity. His eyes were large and the color of emeralds. His expression turned haughty, as if he found her wanting, then he put his head back down and closed his eyes.
“We’re spending the weekend together, seeing if we can figure out if we get along.” Pia wrinkled her nose. “I’m not really a pet person, but it’s a way to help Crystal. And maybe having a cat around will be a good thing.” She sounded doubtful.
“Is he friendly?”
“I don’t know. He keeps to himself. I’m respecting his need to take things slow.”
Charity stared at her friend. “He’s a cat.”
“I know, but aren’t they supposed to be haughty and aloof? I thought if I let him make the first move, things would go better. I don’t want him to think I want the relationship more than he does.”
“I think you’re giving him way too much credit. He doesn’t have a master plan.”
Pia eyed her loaner pet. “I’m thinking maybe he does. We’ll see what happens. So far he’s very quiet. And clean. I thought I’d be freaked out by the idea of a litterbox, but I’m not. His aim is a lot better than most guys I know.”
“Maybe he’s the answer.”
“Maybe.” Pia turned toward her. “Can I get you something? I have an assortment of ice cream selections. I’m going through a dairy phase. There’s not a single cookie in the whole place, but I probably have five different kinds of ice cream.”
“No, thanks.” Charity touched her stomach. So far she hadn’t had any cravings or queasiness, but she didn’t want to push anything too far.
“What’s going on?” Pia asked. “Something happened and I’m guessing it was with Josh.”
Charity nodded. “I don’t know why I let myself believe this would be different. Of all the guys to fall for. What was I thinking?”
“You weren’t thinking. That’s the problem. We don’t think when it comes to men. Honestly, I don’t know why Marsha is so hell-bent on getting more of them in town. They’re nothing but trouble.”
She reached for Charity’s hand and squeezed it. “Start at the beginning and tell me the horrible thing he’s done. Then we’ll get drunk and call him names.”
“I can’t.”
Pia smiled. “Don’t worry. We’ll find your anger. It’s right under the hurt. Trust me—I have a world of experience at this. I’ll have you swearing in ways you never thought possible.”
Charity stared at her friend. “No, I mean I can’t have anything to drink. I’m pregnant.”
She had to give Pia credit. Nothing about her expression changed. Her only reaction was to calmly ask, “Are you sure?”
“I peed on a stick.”
“And there’s only been Josh?”
That made Charity smile. “Do I seem like someone who would sleep with more than one guy?”
“You have depths. It could happen.”
“It didn’t. I’m pregnant.” She said the words more for herself than Pia, to help herself get used to the idea.
“How do you feel about it?” Pia asked. “Have you always dreamed of having children?”
“Sure. Haven’t you?”
Pia shrugged. “Some days. But it’s a lot of responsibility, and parents can really screw up a kid. I’m not sure I want to take the risk of passing on the family tradition of emotional devastation. But we’re not talking about me. How do you feel?”
“I don’t know. Excited, scared.” She drew in a breath and mentally poked around inside. “Happy,” she said slowly, then realized it was true. “I’m happy.”
“Then yay you.” Pia squeezed her fingers again. “You’ll be a great mom.”
“How do you know?”
“You have the personality. You take care of things. You care. You have Marsha for a grandmother and she’s amazing.”
“This isn’t how I would have chosen to do things,” she admitted. “But I don’t have regrets.”
Pia released her hand, then wrinkled her nose. “At the risk of breaking your mood, I’m guessing Josh didn’t take it very well? You wouldn’t be here if he did.”
“He freaked,” Charity said with a sigh. “He mumbled something about figuring it out, swore he would be there for me and the baby, then raced out so fast he left those clichéd skid marks on the floor. There’s no way he’s going to be able to handle it.”
She hated to think that, let alone say it. “I didn’t realize I had a whole fantasy about Josh until it all came crashing down around me. I’d hoped he would be excited, or at least open to the idea.”
“At the risk of violating the girl code, you need to give him a break. You told him something huge. He should get a few minutes to absorb it all. He might surprise you.”
“Not in a good way.”
Pia shook her head. “Josh is a good guy. When things are tough, he comes through. Give him a little credit.”
“For running?”
“Okay, then give him a chance to step up and do the right thing. He said he’d be there for you.”
“What does that mean?” Charity found herself getting irritated. “Maybe he’ll do promo shots with the baby for someone who makes athletic gear for infants. That’s about all he’s interested in. He’s getting back into racing. What matters to him is being the man he was. He’s told me that. He wants to return to that world, claim it all again. This is about being famous. He wants to be the guy on the poster.”
Pia stared at her for a long time. “What do you want?” she asked softly.
“I want everything he doesn’t. A traditional life. Husband, kids. A house and a dog.” She glanced at the now sleeping Jake. “Maybe a cat. I want a certainty to my days. I want roots and neighbors and date night and the rhythm of the seasons. I want passion and loyalty.”
“Did you tell him that?”
“I didn’t have a chance. I barely managed to say I was pregnant and he was gone.”
“He’ll be back.”
“It won’t change anything.” Charity leaned toward her friend. “You’ve known Josh for years. Has he ever once struck you as the domestic type?”
“He has his moments.”
“The man lives in a hotel. You know that racing is everything to him. No. Not the racing. He doesn’t want to compete, he wants to win. He wants to be a god again. There’s no room for ordinary where he’s going.”
“So you’re going to assume the worst about him without asking for what you want, or even hinting that there’s something he can do to make you happy.”
“What? No. That’s not fair.”
“You didn’t tell him what you want?”
“I already told you. There wasn’t time.”
“And when he comes back to talk to you about all this? You know he will. What happens then? Is he supposed to read your mind?”
“If he cared about me at all, he’d already know what I want.”
The words sounded lame, even as Charity spoke them. Pia simply raised her eyebrows.
Charity shifted on her seat. “Okay,” she began. “I sort of see your point. I should probably tell Josh what I’m thinking. It’s the mature thing to do.”
“I know you don’t want to get hurt,” Pia said.
Charity nodded. “I love him. I’m in love with him, which I’m okay with. The thing is, I don’t think he’s interested in loving me back.”
“You won’t know until you talk to him.”
“And when he crushes me like a bug?”
Pia gave her a warm smile. “You don’t know he will.”
“Can you honestly see him saying he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life?”
“Yes.”
Now it was Charity’s turn to smile, although her feelings were more sad than hopeful. “You’re not a very good liar.”
