Chasing the Prophecy
Page 43
“How? By accepting his offer?”
Ferrin shook his head. “Not necessarily. You have a choice before you. Confront the truth by honestly assessing the alternatives. Acknowledge the price of your options.”
Rachel gave him a suspicious stare. “Is this how you go through life? Are you trying to turn me into a displacer?”
“Maybe a little. What is the price of denying Maldor?”
Rachel took a shuddering breath. “I probably die. My friends probably die. And we probably die for nothing. We probably lose.”
“And you miss the chance to live in comfort and power for a thousand years or more,” Ferrin added. “You miss the chance to master Edomic.”
“Right.”
“What is the price of accepting the offer?”
Rachel sighed. “I learn Edomic and get to live a thousand years.”
“No. That is the reward. The price is that your friends will probably end up miserable. There are no happy people at Harthenham. There is no peace for those who abandon their ideals. Regardless of the pact you make, most of your friends will probably die anyhow, because they’ll reject whatever pardon Maldor offers.”
“True,” Rachel said.
“Another part of the price is that you will cease to be who you are. No matter how valiantly you resist, after you enter into an arrangement like this, Maldor will corrupt you. Even if you bide your time and eventually overthrow him, you will not be the person you are today. You will become a person who you would otherwise never want to be.”
“And the reward for denying Maldor?”
“You stay true to your friends. You let them face this evil on their own terms. You stand against this evil on your own terms as well, without letting it own you. And you keep that minuscule shred of hope that we might succeed.”
“You think we still might win?” Rachel checked.
Ferrin shrugged. “The only way to know is to keep trying. We can guess what may have spoiled our chances of winning, but we can never know whether victory is still possible unless we see it through to the end. That is what Galloran understands and why news of your visit from the lurkers has not altered his plans.”
Rachel leaned over and hugged Ferrin tightly. “Thank you,” she whispered.
He stiffened with surprise, then hugged her back. “No need to thank me.”
“I’ve felt really . . . I just couldn’t . . .”
“I understand.”
She held him quietly for a long moment before pulling away. “That was the best conversation I’ve ever had. I was feeling really lost. I didn’t think anyone could help me.”
“I did nothing. The choice is yours to make. You just needed to honestly consider your options.”
“Nobody else put it so plainly. Not even Galloran.”
Ferrin smirked. “The others were trying to spare you from pain. The truth can be devastating. We spend much of our lives protecting ourselves from it and shielding others as well. We use lies to take the edge off life. We dream of a better tomorrow. We hide from our regrets and inadequacies. We try to exaggerate the good and downplay the bad. We even manage to hide from the inescapable reality that sooner or later we and everyone we love is going to die.”
“Cheerful thought.”
“Not cheery, but true. When a decision really matters, Rachel, we have to ignore our comforting illusions. We must set aside our wishes and give heed to reality. Nobody can accept the truth while hiding from it. When a decision matters, we have to stare at the truth unflinchingly. Only then can we find peace in our choices.”
Rachel smiled. “Tough love.”
“You can call it that.”
Rachel nodded. “Without totally lying, Maldor was playing me. I’d like to believe that he would spare my friends, because I want them to be safe, but you’re right, it wouldn’t end up that way. They wouldn’t quit fighting. They wouldn’t accept the pardon.”
“And you want to believe we might win, when we probably won’t,” Ferrin reminded her.
“How do you keep yourself going if you feel that way?”
“If Maldor ever finds me, he will do worse than kill me. Returning to him would be folly, even if I returned after crippling your rebellion. He will never forgive a betrayal such as I have committed. I must resist Maldor, because I am forever his enemy. I also stay true to this rebellion in part because Galloran has a portion of my neck and could kill me at will. Mostly I stay true out of friendship. I admire your integrity, and Galloran’s, and Jason’s. I would like to see you succeed. I could hide in the wilderness for the rest of my life, but that does not suit my nature. This cause represents my last hope of living well. Our chances are dreadful, but at least we have a chance. Knowing the probable futility of our efforts, I still accept this bleak path as my best available option.”
Rachel offered no reply. They listened to the birds.
Ferrin nodded toward the well near the center of the courtyard. “Would you like a drink?”
“I’m all right. How was your mission?”
Ferrin leaned forward, rubbing his hands together. “As far as we could reach by horseback in the time allotted, people are flocking to the cause. Most do not seem to fully appreciate how hopeless this campaign will be. Nearly everyone is ready to bet on Galloran. He’ll have the men he needs to mount his assault. And the supplies, which is equally vital.”
“How soon?” Rachel asked.
“Galloran hoped to be underway by tomorrow. He won’t get his wish. But it won’t take many more days. We’ll be marching off to war much more quickly than I would have predicted.”
Rachel stared down at her hands. “I never imagined myself going to war.”
“I always pitied the first army that would try to assail Felrook. I had begun to assume it would never happen. Now I’ll be part of it.”
“At least we won’t be alone,” Rachel said.
Ferrin smiled faintly. “I’ll die in good company. Probably a better end than I deserve.”
Rachel regarded Ferrin thoughtfully. “What do you know about lurkers?”
“Less than you, probably. I’ve never had one in my dreams or heard one with my mind.”
“Where do they come from?”
“Not our world,” Ferrin said. “Their origin is a perfectly guarded secret.”
“They told me their world is like our dreams. They don’t seem to like our reality.”
Ferrin shook his head. “Not necessarily. You have a choice before you. Confront the truth by honestly assessing the alternatives. Acknowledge the price of your options.”
Rachel gave him a suspicious stare. “Is this how you go through life? Are you trying to turn me into a displacer?”
“Maybe a little. What is the price of denying Maldor?”
Rachel took a shuddering breath. “I probably die. My friends probably die. And we probably die for nothing. We probably lose.”
“And you miss the chance to live in comfort and power for a thousand years or more,” Ferrin added. “You miss the chance to master Edomic.”
“Right.”
“What is the price of accepting the offer?”
Rachel sighed. “I learn Edomic and get to live a thousand years.”
“No. That is the reward. The price is that your friends will probably end up miserable. There are no happy people at Harthenham. There is no peace for those who abandon their ideals. Regardless of the pact you make, most of your friends will probably die anyhow, because they’ll reject whatever pardon Maldor offers.”
“True,” Rachel said.
“Another part of the price is that you will cease to be who you are. No matter how valiantly you resist, after you enter into an arrangement like this, Maldor will corrupt you. Even if you bide your time and eventually overthrow him, you will not be the person you are today. You will become a person who you would otherwise never want to be.”
“And the reward for denying Maldor?”
“You stay true to your friends. You let them face this evil on their own terms. You stand against this evil on your own terms as well, without letting it own you. And you keep that minuscule shred of hope that we might succeed.”
“You think we still might win?” Rachel checked.
Ferrin shrugged. “The only way to know is to keep trying. We can guess what may have spoiled our chances of winning, but we can never know whether victory is still possible unless we see it through to the end. That is what Galloran understands and why news of your visit from the lurkers has not altered his plans.”
Rachel leaned over and hugged Ferrin tightly. “Thank you,” she whispered.
He stiffened with surprise, then hugged her back. “No need to thank me.”
“I’ve felt really . . . I just couldn’t . . .”
“I understand.”
She held him quietly for a long moment before pulling away. “That was the best conversation I’ve ever had. I was feeling really lost. I didn’t think anyone could help me.”
“I did nothing. The choice is yours to make. You just needed to honestly consider your options.”
“Nobody else put it so plainly. Not even Galloran.”
Ferrin smirked. “The others were trying to spare you from pain. The truth can be devastating. We spend much of our lives protecting ourselves from it and shielding others as well. We use lies to take the edge off life. We dream of a better tomorrow. We hide from our regrets and inadequacies. We try to exaggerate the good and downplay the bad. We even manage to hide from the inescapable reality that sooner or later we and everyone we love is going to die.”
“Cheerful thought.”
“Not cheery, but true. When a decision really matters, Rachel, we have to ignore our comforting illusions. We must set aside our wishes and give heed to reality. Nobody can accept the truth while hiding from it. When a decision matters, we have to stare at the truth unflinchingly. Only then can we find peace in our choices.”
Rachel smiled. “Tough love.”
“You can call it that.”
Rachel nodded. “Without totally lying, Maldor was playing me. I’d like to believe that he would spare my friends, because I want them to be safe, but you’re right, it wouldn’t end up that way. They wouldn’t quit fighting. They wouldn’t accept the pardon.”
“And you want to believe we might win, when we probably won’t,” Ferrin reminded her.
“How do you keep yourself going if you feel that way?”
“If Maldor ever finds me, he will do worse than kill me. Returning to him would be folly, even if I returned after crippling your rebellion. He will never forgive a betrayal such as I have committed. I must resist Maldor, because I am forever his enemy. I also stay true to this rebellion in part because Galloran has a portion of my neck and could kill me at will. Mostly I stay true out of friendship. I admire your integrity, and Galloran’s, and Jason’s. I would like to see you succeed. I could hide in the wilderness for the rest of my life, but that does not suit my nature. This cause represents my last hope of living well. Our chances are dreadful, but at least we have a chance. Knowing the probable futility of our efforts, I still accept this bleak path as my best available option.”
Rachel offered no reply. They listened to the birds.
Ferrin nodded toward the well near the center of the courtyard. “Would you like a drink?”
“I’m all right. How was your mission?”
Ferrin leaned forward, rubbing his hands together. “As far as we could reach by horseback in the time allotted, people are flocking to the cause. Most do not seem to fully appreciate how hopeless this campaign will be. Nearly everyone is ready to bet on Galloran. He’ll have the men he needs to mount his assault. And the supplies, which is equally vital.”
“How soon?” Rachel asked.
“Galloran hoped to be underway by tomorrow. He won’t get his wish. But it won’t take many more days. We’ll be marching off to war much more quickly than I would have predicted.”
Rachel stared down at her hands. “I never imagined myself going to war.”
“I always pitied the first army that would try to assail Felrook. I had begun to assume it would never happen. Now I’ll be part of it.”
“At least we won’t be alone,” Rachel said.
Ferrin smiled faintly. “I’ll die in good company. Probably a better end than I deserve.”
Rachel regarded Ferrin thoughtfully. “What do you know about lurkers?”
“Less than you, probably. I’ve never had one in my dreams or heard one with my mind.”
“Where do they come from?”
“Not our world,” Ferrin said. “Their origin is a perfectly guarded secret.”
“They told me their world is like our dreams. They don’t seem to like our reality.”
