Chasing the Tide
Page 11
He sat rigidly beside me, our arms brushing against each other. I had said I wanted to relax but I felt uptight. Anxious almost.
This was awkward.
Maybe I should have gotten my own place. Perhaps we weren’t at a point where co-habiting was the best idea. We hadn’t spent more than a few days together at any given time in the last three years. I was starting to think this was the beginning of a huge mistake.
I couldn’t even remember who had made the suggestion for me to move in with him after I had graduated. It had just seemed like a given. I had promised Flynn I’d come back. That we’d be together again.
And here we were.
So why did I feel as though I were standing at the edge of a cliff just waiting to tip over?
Murphy sat down on the floor between our feet. He leaned heavily against my legs and I appreciated the comfort he unknowingly gave me.
“Are you hungry?” Flynn asked after a beat.
“We just had banana bread,” I reminded him.
More silence.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, Ellie,” he admitted finally. He sounded bored but I knew otherwise. His hands were fisted in his lap, his knuckles white. His jaw was tight with agitation and I knew he was struggling.
I let out a breath and reached out to curl my hand around his fisted ones. “I don’t either. I guess we’ll have to figure it out together.”
Slowly his fingers loosened and he held my hand once again.
“I said that one day you wouldn’t miss me anymore,” he stated, and I could almost see his smile. Even if his bored tone made it hard to read him, I knew he was happy.
I laid my head on his shoulder. His words reminding me of a time I hadn’t been so certain that our story’s ending would be a happy one.
But he had been right.
Because I wasn’t missing him anymore.
“No I don’t, Flynn. I came back.”
I felt Flynn lay his cheek on top of my head.
“You came back.”
Chapter Four
-Flynn-
A few years ago
Ellie is gone. I stand on my porch and watch her drive away.
It hurt.
A lot.
But it makes me happy, too.
I know that’s how I should feel. Happy and hurting.
Because I love Ellie and I want her to do what’s best for her.
But I miss her already. She only left five minutes ago and I feel like screaming and yelling.
I get so angry with myself because I wish I could go with her.
But I can’t.
Thinking about going to a place I don’t know makes me feel anxious. Sick even.
When she first told me about going away to college, I threw up in the toilet after she left. She asked me to come with her and I told her I couldn’t.
She had been upset. She had tears in her eyes.
I didn’t like the feeling in my chest when she was upset.
It hurt.
It makes me want to scream and yell. But I try not to do that anymore.
Because making Ellie smile is better than seeing her cry.
I wish I could be the sort of person that could go to new places. I wanted to tell her yes, that I would go with her.
But I didn’t want her worrying about me when she should be worrying about herself.
So I told her no.
And now Ellie is gone.
I know that one day Ellie will come back to Wellston.
She said she would.
She said I am her home.
I believe her.
I’ve always believed her.
Her car has been gone awhile and Murphy is whining. He is hungry and wants to chase the ball in the yard.
I don’t feel like throwing the ball though. I don’t like knowing that Ellie’s car won’t be coming back.
She left. I had told her to go.
Now I feel mad.
I kick a flowerpot off the porch.
“Ouch!” I yell because now my toe hurts.
I go back in the house and slam the door behind me.
I pick up the coffee cup that Ellie left on the table. She should have put it in the sink. She knows I hate it when things are left out.
She should have cleaned up before she had gotten in her car and left.
But she didn’t. And now I have to clean up after her.
That makes me really angry!
I pick up the mug and throw it against the wall. It shatters into pieces and falls to the floor.
Murphy yelps and I feel bad. I don’t want to make him scared.
I am being loud and angry and I don’t like it.
Kevin told me once that I should count backwards when I feel upset. That I need to go to a happy place.
But my happy place is with Ellie.
And she’s gone.
She should be on the interstate by now. It is two hundred and sixty-nine miles to her school. She will be driving for four hours and thirty-two minutes. I helped her calculate the distance. She will need to stop for gas in eighty-three miles.
I feel better knowing where she is going and what she is doing.
She said she’d call me when she got to Maryland.
I scratch behind Murphy’s ear in the way Ellie says he likes. Then I get the broom and clean up the mess.
**
“I’m here,” Ellie says and I’m happy to hear from her. I watched the clock all day. Then I would look at the map and follow the route I knew she was taking.
She should have gotten to Baltimore an hour ago. Why was she only calling me now? I had worried, thinking something was wrong.
“You should have gotten to Baltimore an hour ago,” I say.
“I had to find the school first, Flynn. And then I had to get checked in and figure out where to go.” She sounds irritated. Mad maybe.
This was awkward.
Maybe I should have gotten my own place. Perhaps we weren’t at a point where co-habiting was the best idea. We hadn’t spent more than a few days together at any given time in the last three years. I was starting to think this was the beginning of a huge mistake.
I couldn’t even remember who had made the suggestion for me to move in with him after I had graduated. It had just seemed like a given. I had promised Flynn I’d come back. That we’d be together again.
And here we were.
So why did I feel as though I were standing at the edge of a cliff just waiting to tip over?
Murphy sat down on the floor between our feet. He leaned heavily against my legs and I appreciated the comfort he unknowingly gave me.
“Are you hungry?” Flynn asked after a beat.
“We just had banana bread,” I reminded him.
More silence.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, Ellie,” he admitted finally. He sounded bored but I knew otherwise. His hands were fisted in his lap, his knuckles white. His jaw was tight with agitation and I knew he was struggling.
I let out a breath and reached out to curl my hand around his fisted ones. “I don’t either. I guess we’ll have to figure it out together.”
Slowly his fingers loosened and he held my hand once again.
“I said that one day you wouldn’t miss me anymore,” he stated, and I could almost see his smile. Even if his bored tone made it hard to read him, I knew he was happy.
I laid my head on his shoulder. His words reminding me of a time I hadn’t been so certain that our story’s ending would be a happy one.
But he had been right.
Because I wasn’t missing him anymore.
“No I don’t, Flynn. I came back.”
I felt Flynn lay his cheek on top of my head.
“You came back.”
Chapter Four
-Flynn-
A few years ago
Ellie is gone. I stand on my porch and watch her drive away.
It hurt.
A lot.
But it makes me happy, too.
I know that’s how I should feel. Happy and hurting.
Because I love Ellie and I want her to do what’s best for her.
But I miss her already. She only left five minutes ago and I feel like screaming and yelling.
I get so angry with myself because I wish I could go with her.
But I can’t.
Thinking about going to a place I don’t know makes me feel anxious. Sick even.
When she first told me about going away to college, I threw up in the toilet after she left. She asked me to come with her and I told her I couldn’t.
She had been upset. She had tears in her eyes.
I didn’t like the feeling in my chest when she was upset.
It hurt.
It makes me want to scream and yell. But I try not to do that anymore.
Because making Ellie smile is better than seeing her cry.
I wish I could be the sort of person that could go to new places. I wanted to tell her yes, that I would go with her.
But I didn’t want her worrying about me when she should be worrying about herself.
So I told her no.
And now Ellie is gone.
I know that one day Ellie will come back to Wellston.
She said she would.
She said I am her home.
I believe her.
I’ve always believed her.
Her car has been gone awhile and Murphy is whining. He is hungry and wants to chase the ball in the yard.
I don’t feel like throwing the ball though. I don’t like knowing that Ellie’s car won’t be coming back.
She left. I had told her to go.
Now I feel mad.
I kick a flowerpot off the porch.
“Ouch!” I yell because now my toe hurts.
I go back in the house and slam the door behind me.
I pick up the coffee cup that Ellie left on the table. She should have put it in the sink. She knows I hate it when things are left out.
She should have cleaned up before she had gotten in her car and left.
But she didn’t. And now I have to clean up after her.
That makes me really angry!
I pick up the mug and throw it against the wall. It shatters into pieces and falls to the floor.
Murphy yelps and I feel bad. I don’t want to make him scared.
I am being loud and angry and I don’t like it.
Kevin told me once that I should count backwards when I feel upset. That I need to go to a happy place.
But my happy place is with Ellie.
And she’s gone.
She should be on the interstate by now. It is two hundred and sixty-nine miles to her school. She will be driving for four hours and thirty-two minutes. I helped her calculate the distance. She will need to stop for gas in eighty-three miles.
I feel better knowing where she is going and what she is doing.
She said she’d call me when she got to Maryland.
I scratch behind Murphy’s ear in the way Ellie says he likes. Then I get the broom and clean up the mess.
**
“I’m here,” Ellie says and I’m happy to hear from her. I watched the clock all day. Then I would look at the map and follow the route I knew she was taking.
She should have gotten to Baltimore an hour ago. Why was she only calling me now? I had worried, thinking something was wrong.
“You should have gotten to Baltimore an hour ago,” I say.
“I had to find the school first, Flynn. And then I had to get checked in and figure out where to go.” She sounds irritated. Mad maybe.
