Chasing the Tide
Page 6
I attempted to loosen my death grip on the steering wheel and all I did was succeed in alternating one nervous behavior for another. I tapped rhythmically with my fingers over and over again. Maybe I had inadvertently adopted some of Flynn’s tics without my realizing it.
I was anxious. I was worried.
Though I couldn’t figure out the exact reason.
Was I nervous about seeing Flynn again?
Absolutely.
I wasn’t the type of girl to believe in sparkly, shiny, happily ever afters. I was a pessimist by nature. I wasn’t particularly likable and I wasn’t in the habit of opening myself up to anyone.
It took a special person to look at the woman underneath all of that mess. To stare in the face of my horrible history and to love me anyway.
My phone chirped from the seat beside me. I picked it up and read the text, easily navigating my car at the same time.
Have you gotten back yet? Call me next week after you’re settled.
Julie’s message made me smile. I had few connections in my life and Julie was one I could never get rid of, even if I had wanted to.
My former social worker had made it a point to continue her weekly check-ins even after I had moved away.
The truth was, she was the closest thing to a parental figure I had ever had. Even if she had been paid to be in my life.
She was consistent. She was always there. She was a giant pain in my ass.
But in my own Ellie McCallum way, I loved her.
Flynn was expecting me. I knew that he would already be pacing the floors, wondering why I hadn’t shown up yet. He had calculated my journey down to the minute. Down to the mile.
I didn’t like him worrying or anxious. I spent a good majority of our relationship ensuring he didn’t feel that way. He was slowly coming into his own. He was taking tiny steps towards pushing past the boundaries that had always kept him caged in.
But everyday things that most people took for granted were still difficult for him. Like traveling.
The process of Flynn leaving home and staying somewhere else was extremely taxing. He would spend days planning and re-planning. Calculating miles. Familiarizing himself with every detail.
When we had gone to the beach together just after we had gotten together, it had been the first time since the death of his mother that he gone somewhere new. And the beach, when he had visited as a child, hadn’t been a particularly pleasant experience.
But he had gone.
For me.
Despite his hesitation, it was on that trip that we had finally come together. Emotionally. Physically. Secrets had been exposed, and we had had been as close as two people could be. Before my penchant for self-destruction had almost derailed us completely.
During those early days after enrolling at The College of Baltimore, I would think about that time with Flynn at the beach and it made me happy. It gave me hope. It’s what kept me going.
I never wanted him to worry about me. I never wanted him to wonder what I was thinking or what I was feeling. I wanted our relationship to be totally transparent and honest. I needed it. He needed it. It’s the only way we could make this difficult thing between us work.
But even though I knew Flynn was waiting for me, I needed to take my time. I had to reacclimatize myself with this world I had left behind. I needed to drive down the once familiar streets and remember a time when I never thought I would leave.
But I had.
I had gotten out.
Wellston, West Virginia hadn’t smothered and destroyed me.
It was important that I remember that.
I drove down a one-way street that had once been lined with maple trees and white picket fences. There had been swings in yards and children running in the streets.
It had been a cheerful place of laughter and smiles.
It was also the place where the innocent Ellie had died.
I came to a stop in front of a small one-story Cape Cod house. Even though it had been twenty years since I had called this place home, I remembered it perfectly.
If I closed my eyes I could see my mom’s face. Beautiful yet vacant. She had always been there in person but not in mind. Physically present but emotionally unavailable. But as a child I hadn’t known any better. Until one morning she wasn’t there anymore.
And everything had turned on its axis.
The house was empty. I could tell by the dilapidated state of the yard and the broken windows that it hadn’t been lived in for a while. It was a skeleton. Unloved and discarded.
It was fitting.
My phone rang and I looked down to see Flynn’s name flash across the screen.
My hand was shaking as I answered it.
“Hello?” I said, sounding breathless.
“Where are you? You should have been here twenty-seven minutes ago,” Flynn stated, getting straight to the point as always.
I stared at the house, where I had spent the first five years of my life and felt sadness. And bitterness. Resentment and a long buried anger. But I also felt relief that that part of my life was over. The girl who had been defined by the things that had happened there had grown up and moved on.
And now I was ready to go home.
“I’m on my way, “ I told Flynn, putting the car into drive and pulling away from the curb.
Chapter Three
-Ellie-
“Come on, Ellie,” Julie said, taking my bag. I clung to Clive, my stuffed dog, and followed her out to a red car.
I knew that I wasn’t going to live with Mr. and Mrs. Evans anymore. I knew Mrs. Evans had been mad when I poured glue in her bed and ripped up all of her roses.
I don’t know why I did any of that stuff. I felt bad after I did it. Though I never said that I was sorry.
I was anxious. I was worried.
Though I couldn’t figure out the exact reason.
Was I nervous about seeing Flynn again?
Absolutely.
I wasn’t the type of girl to believe in sparkly, shiny, happily ever afters. I was a pessimist by nature. I wasn’t particularly likable and I wasn’t in the habit of opening myself up to anyone.
It took a special person to look at the woman underneath all of that mess. To stare in the face of my horrible history and to love me anyway.
My phone chirped from the seat beside me. I picked it up and read the text, easily navigating my car at the same time.
Have you gotten back yet? Call me next week after you’re settled.
Julie’s message made me smile. I had few connections in my life and Julie was one I could never get rid of, even if I had wanted to.
My former social worker had made it a point to continue her weekly check-ins even after I had moved away.
The truth was, she was the closest thing to a parental figure I had ever had. Even if she had been paid to be in my life.
She was consistent. She was always there. She was a giant pain in my ass.
But in my own Ellie McCallum way, I loved her.
Flynn was expecting me. I knew that he would already be pacing the floors, wondering why I hadn’t shown up yet. He had calculated my journey down to the minute. Down to the mile.
I didn’t like him worrying or anxious. I spent a good majority of our relationship ensuring he didn’t feel that way. He was slowly coming into his own. He was taking tiny steps towards pushing past the boundaries that had always kept him caged in.
But everyday things that most people took for granted were still difficult for him. Like traveling.
The process of Flynn leaving home and staying somewhere else was extremely taxing. He would spend days planning and re-planning. Calculating miles. Familiarizing himself with every detail.
When we had gone to the beach together just after we had gotten together, it had been the first time since the death of his mother that he gone somewhere new. And the beach, when he had visited as a child, hadn’t been a particularly pleasant experience.
But he had gone.
For me.
Despite his hesitation, it was on that trip that we had finally come together. Emotionally. Physically. Secrets had been exposed, and we had had been as close as two people could be. Before my penchant for self-destruction had almost derailed us completely.
During those early days after enrolling at The College of Baltimore, I would think about that time with Flynn at the beach and it made me happy. It gave me hope. It’s what kept me going.
I never wanted him to worry about me. I never wanted him to wonder what I was thinking or what I was feeling. I wanted our relationship to be totally transparent and honest. I needed it. He needed it. It’s the only way we could make this difficult thing between us work.
But even though I knew Flynn was waiting for me, I needed to take my time. I had to reacclimatize myself with this world I had left behind. I needed to drive down the once familiar streets and remember a time when I never thought I would leave.
But I had.
I had gotten out.
Wellston, West Virginia hadn’t smothered and destroyed me.
It was important that I remember that.
I drove down a one-way street that had once been lined with maple trees and white picket fences. There had been swings in yards and children running in the streets.
It had been a cheerful place of laughter and smiles.
It was also the place where the innocent Ellie had died.
I came to a stop in front of a small one-story Cape Cod house. Even though it had been twenty years since I had called this place home, I remembered it perfectly.
If I closed my eyes I could see my mom’s face. Beautiful yet vacant. She had always been there in person but not in mind. Physically present but emotionally unavailable. But as a child I hadn’t known any better. Until one morning she wasn’t there anymore.
And everything had turned on its axis.
The house was empty. I could tell by the dilapidated state of the yard and the broken windows that it hadn’t been lived in for a while. It was a skeleton. Unloved and discarded.
It was fitting.
My phone rang and I looked down to see Flynn’s name flash across the screen.
My hand was shaking as I answered it.
“Hello?” I said, sounding breathless.
“Where are you? You should have been here twenty-seven minutes ago,” Flynn stated, getting straight to the point as always.
I stared at the house, where I had spent the first five years of my life and felt sadness. And bitterness. Resentment and a long buried anger. But I also felt relief that that part of my life was over. The girl who had been defined by the things that had happened there had grown up and moved on.
And now I was ready to go home.
“I’m on my way, “ I told Flynn, putting the car into drive and pulling away from the curb.
Chapter Three
-Ellie-
“Come on, Ellie,” Julie said, taking my bag. I clung to Clive, my stuffed dog, and followed her out to a red car.
I knew that I wasn’t going to live with Mr. and Mrs. Evans anymore. I knew Mrs. Evans had been mad when I poured glue in her bed and ripped up all of her roses.
I don’t know why I did any of that stuff. I felt bad after I did it. Though I never said that I was sorry.
