Cloud Walking
Page 19
“I haven't been the best mom lately, have I?” she asked me, gripping her hands tightly together in her lap. I widened my eyes. What in the world brought this on? I was feeling emotionally raw and wasn't entirely sure I could handle this discussion right now.
“You do the best you can,” I answered diplomatically. But I really meant it. While, yes I did feel bitter and resentful at times, deep down I understood she was doing all that she could for Kaitlyn and me.
“But sometimes you need more than that.” My mom took one of my hands in hers. “Talk to me, Rachel. Maybe your ol' ma could give you some advice. I know I've made some pretty horrible choices in my life, but I remember what it's like to be young.” Her smile, while weak, was genuine.
I needed to unload the weight from my heart so badly. Maggie was out of the question. Not with the state of her love life. And I wasn't close enough to anyone else to really talk to them. And I did want to talk to my mother. I wanted to repair that part of our relationship. That part that knew I could come to her no matter what.
So I told her. All about Daniel. My feelings for him, the seesaw of our relationship. The way he ditched me, once again last night, to go off with Kylie. When I was done, I could feel the tears drying on my cheeks from where they had fallen during my story.
My mother reached over to my bedside table and grabbed a couple of tissues. She gently rubbed them across my face, wiping the wetness away. “Sweetheart, I'm so sorry.” I leaned my head down until it rested on her shoulder. Her arm came up to wrap around me and she held me tight against her, the same way she had when I was a little girl.
We were quiet for a while. I soaked up the comfort she so willingly gave me. Finally, she lifted my chin with her fingers. “Rachel, you put everyone and everything above what you want. Your friends, your family. Somewhere along the way you've gotten it in your head that your feelings and wants are second fiddle to what everyone else feels and wants. I know that's my fault. But darling, you are an amazing, loving, loyal girl who should only have the best in life.” My mom's smile was soft as she looked at me and the tears started all over again.
“I just want to be the only thing he sees. I want to feel like we're walking on clouds when we're together. That I'm the girl he wants,” I whispered, feeling completely bare by my confession.
“Baby girl, you deserve some cloud walkin'.” I snorted at her statement.
“Cloud walking, huh?” I teased, feeling a little better from our conversation. I never thought I'd see the day where any sort of advice from my mom would make me feel anything other than annoyed and frustrated. But here we were. Me a mess and her a mess. But together we made a weird sort of sense.
“Yes, Rach. Cloud walking. And don't settle for anything less,” she had told me firmly.
“Thanks, Mom,” I said and she had left not long after that but I didn't forget what she said. Because it had hit home for me. She was right...I did deserve some cloud walking, darn it!
Daniel called me about twenty times on Sunday. I had hit ignore each and every time. Maggie had called and I had reluctantly answered. She had been all excited and giddy that she and Clay had decided to take their relationship to the next level.
There was no point in me trying to talk sense into her. To remind her of the ugly side Clay obviously had. Because she wouldn't have listened. And I was through wasting my breath.
Monday had been borderline painful. I had never felt lonely at school. I was pretty well liked and Daniel and Maggie were a constant source of company. That had very suddenly changed. I was avoiding Danny like the plague and Maggie was so deeply immersed in Clayton Reed land that I barely saw her.
Daniel had tracked me down right before lunch. I knew it was only a matter of time until he found me. Though I was proud of how effectively I had avoided him up until then. He came jogging down the hallway toward me and I looked around, wondering if I could make a break for it.
“Hey, is your phone broken? I've been trying to reach you all weekend,” he said, looking at me with confusion and more than a little hurt in those beautiful blue eyes. No! I would not notice how pretty his stupid eyes were!
“Nah. I just wasn't feeling too great. Spent the day vegging out in front of the TV,” I lied, forcing myself to look at him blankly. Daniel's face showed concern and he put his hand to my cheek.
“You feeling better?” he asked softly. His eyes looked into mine and I swear I could feel something different there. But then all I had to do was remember him and Kylie kissing on Saturday and I pulled away.
“Yeah, I'm fine,” I said, grabbing my lunch and heading toward the cafeteria. Daniel fell into step beside me. His fingers casually brushed mine as we walked and I felt my face get warm. We were about to go into the lunch room when he grabbed a hold of my arm and pulled me to a stop.
“Is that why you left on Saturday without saying anything? Because you were feeling sick? Because you know, I would have taken you home. Hell, I would have made you chicken soup and everything. I can be a good little nurse when I want to.” Daniel's lips quirked in a flirty smile but I couldn't summon my own in response.
“You were busy. Ray took me, it was no big deal,” I said blandly. I didn't let on at how hurt I had been by him ditching me. I didn't reveal that I had seen Kylie wrapped around him like a vine. No sense in dredging it up.
Daniel frowned and lifted his hand as though he wanted to touch my face but then dropped it back to his side. “I'm never too busy for you. Look, I'm sorry I left you for a while...but I had to take care of some things,” he explained, his fingers wrapping around my wrist.
“You do the best you can,” I answered diplomatically. But I really meant it. While, yes I did feel bitter and resentful at times, deep down I understood she was doing all that she could for Kaitlyn and me.
“But sometimes you need more than that.” My mom took one of my hands in hers. “Talk to me, Rachel. Maybe your ol' ma could give you some advice. I know I've made some pretty horrible choices in my life, but I remember what it's like to be young.” Her smile, while weak, was genuine.
I needed to unload the weight from my heart so badly. Maggie was out of the question. Not with the state of her love life. And I wasn't close enough to anyone else to really talk to them. And I did want to talk to my mother. I wanted to repair that part of our relationship. That part that knew I could come to her no matter what.
So I told her. All about Daniel. My feelings for him, the seesaw of our relationship. The way he ditched me, once again last night, to go off with Kylie. When I was done, I could feel the tears drying on my cheeks from where they had fallen during my story.
My mother reached over to my bedside table and grabbed a couple of tissues. She gently rubbed them across my face, wiping the wetness away. “Sweetheart, I'm so sorry.” I leaned my head down until it rested on her shoulder. Her arm came up to wrap around me and she held me tight against her, the same way she had when I was a little girl.
We were quiet for a while. I soaked up the comfort she so willingly gave me. Finally, she lifted my chin with her fingers. “Rachel, you put everyone and everything above what you want. Your friends, your family. Somewhere along the way you've gotten it in your head that your feelings and wants are second fiddle to what everyone else feels and wants. I know that's my fault. But darling, you are an amazing, loving, loyal girl who should only have the best in life.” My mom's smile was soft as she looked at me and the tears started all over again.
“I just want to be the only thing he sees. I want to feel like we're walking on clouds when we're together. That I'm the girl he wants,” I whispered, feeling completely bare by my confession.
“Baby girl, you deserve some cloud walkin'.” I snorted at her statement.
“Cloud walking, huh?” I teased, feeling a little better from our conversation. I never thought I'd see the day where any sort of advice from my mom would make me feel anything other than annoyed and frustrated. But here we were. Me a mess and her a mess. But together we made a weird sort of sense.
“Yes, Rach. Cloud walking. And don't settle for anything less,” she had told me firmly.
“Thanks, Mom,” I said and she had left not long after that but I didn't forget what she said. Because it had hit home for me. She was right...I did deserve some cloud walking, darn it!
Daniel called me about twenty times on Sunday. I had hit ignore each and every time. Maggie had called and I had reluctantly answered. She had been all excited and giddy that she and Clay had decided to take their relationship to the next level.
There was no point in me trying to talk sense into her. To remind her of the ugly side Clay obviously had. Because she wouldn't have listened. And I was through wasting my breath.
Monday had been borderline painful. I had never felt lonely at school. I was pretty well liked and Daniel and Maggie were a constant source of company. That had very suddenly changed. I was avoiding Danny like the plague and Maggie was so deeply immersed in Clayton Reed land that I barely saw her.
Daniel had tracked me down right before lunch. I knew it was only a matter of time until he found me. Though I was proud of how effectively I had avoided him up until then. He came jogging down the hallway toward me and I looked around, wondering if I could make a break for it.
“Hey, is your phone broken? I've been trying to reach you all weekend,” he said, looking at me with confusion and more than a little hurt in those beautiful blue eyes. No! I would not notice how pretty his stupid eyes were!
“Nah. I just wasn't feeling too great. Spent the day vegging out in front of the TV,” I lied, forcing myself to look at him blankly. Daniel's face showed concern and he put his hand to my cheek.
“You feeling better?” he asked softly. His eyes looked into mine and I swear I could feel something different there. But then all I had to do was remember him and Kylie kissing on Saturday and I pulled away.
“Yeah, I'm fine,” I said, grabbing my lunch and heading toward the cafeteria. Daniel fell into step beside me. His fingers casually brushed mine as we walked and I felt my face get warm. We were about to go into the lunch room when he grabbed a hold of my arm and pulled me to a stop.
“Is that why you left on Saturday without saying anything? Because you were feeling sick? Because you know, I would have taken you home. Hell, I would have made you chicken soup and everything. I can be a good little nurse when I want to.” Daniel's lips quirked in a flirty smile but I couldn't summon my own in response.
“You were busy. Ray took me, it was no big deal,” I said blandly. I didn't let on at how hurt I had been by him ditching me. I didn't reveal that I had seen Kylie wrapped around him like a vine. No sense in dredging it up.
Daniel frowned and lifted his hand as though he wanted to touch my face but then dropped it back to his side. “I'm never too busy for you. Look, I'm sorry I left you for a while...but I had to take care of some things,” he explained, his fingers wrapping around my wrist.
