Coming Undone
Page 45
Elise appreciated how kind all three Brown siblings were to them. Rennie needed stability, and she had it in Seattle. Now that Elise’s parents were there as well, Rennie had the kind of community and connection any child would thrive with.
“He sent me a present, but Mom won’t let me open it until my birthday. He’s in Australia. I want to go there and see kangaroos and stuff. Do you think he’s going to see any?”
Elise let the sound of the other two talking wash over her. This was home.
It was another three hours before Elise finally heard Rennie’s soft little snuffle, the signal that she’d finally achieved sleep.
“We’re trying for a baby,” Erin said when Elise joined her on the couch.
Elise smiled, genuinely happy for her friend. “I figured it was that, or you were already pregnant, when you said you didn’t want a glass of wine.”
“You’re very easy to talk to, you know? I feel a connection to you. Mother-to-mother maybe? You listen. It’s rare that people actually listen. They talk.”
“Thank you. Really. I haven’t had a close friend in years, and now, between you and Brody, I’ve got two. I imagine it’s a scary step for you to take. Maybe guilt too.”
“I imagine you read or heard most of the details about what happened when Adele was killed. I loved being a mother. It was challenging and exhausting, but every time I even thought of her, my heart would soar. Nothing else is like it.”
Elise nodded.
“So now I want that again. But the situation is complicated. And complicated is, of course, a total understatement when you’re married and live with your boyfriend too. Or our nonlegal husband or whatever the heck you call the third person in your relationship who you love. Part of Ben’s family isn’t speaking to him still. Things are very shaky with Todd’s dad and brother. And I’m afraid.”
Erin sighed out a long breath and Elise just squeezed her friend’s hand.
“Afraid of losing another child. Afraid that if it happened I wouldn’t survive it. I’m getting closer to forty; it won’t be the same as it was in my early twenties. I worry about the pregnancy. I worry about getting pregnant to begin with. And . . .” Her eyes teared up and Elise watched her search for the words, so she gave them to Erin herself.
“Of loving a new child and betraying Adele.” Elise figured that had to be the hardest thing of all.
Erin nodded, tears falling, and Elise hugged her.
“It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be scared. I think you’re so brave to have made it through all you have. And to be happy. That’s the best part. You have two men who love you so much. Who cares what you call Ben? He’s yours. You’re his. You all have each other and that’s what’s important. As for the other stuff, I’m sure you’ve spoken with an attorney on what to do and all the legal ramifications for Ben. You’re not an operating-inside-the-box person, Erin. You’ll forge a path with this baby, like you’ve forged your own path all the years leading up to now.”
They sat there for a few minutes, Elise hugging Erin as she cried and then got herself back together. “I’m glad I told you that.”
“I’ll be here when you do get pregnant. Here to listen and to happily watch you be a mother again. I’m your friend. And, let’s be honest, it’ll take the pressure off me to give Rennie a baby sister or brother, because she can focus all her baby love on yours.”
“She’s going to be a great friend to the baby. I’m glad my kid will have you both around.”
“The questions Rennie’s going to ask me are going to be wonderful. I’m sending her to you for a few. I should send her into the delivery room with you. Best. Birth. Control. Ever.”
Erin laughed.
And Elise began.
“When I was twenty-three, I met Ken at a cocktail party. He was everything I wasn’t. Bold and larger than life. He was a painter of some repute and in demand. He set his sights on me. You have no idea how flattering that was.
“It went very fast between us and we eloped to Vegas four months later. And then I met his family and it was totally clear why he hadn’t introduced me to them. Things were all right for a while, but what had been a tendency to drink too much became a much bigger problem. Within a few years he’d become a full-blown crack addict. Worse, it was my brother who used with him. They fueled each other’s recklessness. Ken went to rehab and cleaned up. I thought he really had changed. We reconciled, I got pregnant. And he slipped back into using and I’d had enough. He harassed me, called me, begged me to take him back, threatened to kill me, and then his parents started calling, telling me they’d take the baby. They refused to believe he was using again.”
Just thinking about that time made her skin clammy. Her life had been on the razor’s edge that summer going into the winter, as she got bigger and bigger, as Ken’s life spun more and more out of control. But it had been being pregnant that had kept up her resolve to keep away from Ken.
“I filed for divorce and that was a horrible, ugly mess. But I won. He couldn’t have any unsupervised visits with Rennie and he had to pass drug tests to be allowed to see her at all. His parents got visitation, but never without me. Thank God she was an infant then.”
She focused on Erin, really looked at her, and paused. “Honey, are you all right?”
“I’m fine. It’s just, you know, the terror when your child is being threatened. I have been there. It’s not a good place.”
“He sent me a present, but Mom won’t let me open it until my birthday. He’s in Australia. I want to go there and see kangaroos and stuff. Do you think he’s going to see any?”
Elise let the sound of the other two talking wash over her. This was home.
It was another three hours before Elise finally heard Rennie’s soft little snuffle, the signal that she’d finally achieved sleep.
“We’re trying for a baby,” Erin said when Elise joined her on the couch.
Elise smiled, genuinely happy for her friend. “I figured it was that, or you were already pregnant, when you said you didn’t want a glass of wine.”
“You’re very easy to talk to, you know? I feel a connection to you. Mother-to-mother maybe? You listen. It’s rare that people actually listen. They talk.”
“Thank you. Really. I haven’t had a close friend in years, and now, between you and Brody, I’ve got two. I imagine it’s a scary step for you to take. Maybe guilt too.”
“I imagine you read or heard most of the details about what happened when Adele was killed. I loved being a mother. It was challenging and exhausting, but every time I even thought of her, my heart would soar. Nothing else is like it.”
Elise nodded.
“So now I want that again. But the situation is complicated. And complicated is, of course, a total understatement when you’re married and live with your boyfriend too. Or our nonlegal husband or whatever the heck you call the third person in your relationship who you love. Part of Ben’s family isn’t speaking to him still. Things are very shaky with Todd’s dad and brother. And I’m afraid.”
Erin sighed out a long breath and Elise just squeezed her friend’s hand.
“Afraid of losing another child. Afraid that if it happened I wouldn’t survive it. I’m getting closer to forty; it won’t be the same as it was in my early twenties. I worry about the pregnancy. I worry about getting pregnant to begin with. And . . .” Her eyes teared up and Elise watched her search for the words, so she gave them to Erin herself.
“Of loving a new child and betraying Adele.” Elise figured that had to be the hardest thing of all.
Erin nodded, tears falling, and Elise hugged her.
“It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be scared. I think you’re so brave to have made it through all you have. And to be happy. That’s the best part. You have two men who love you so much. Who cares what you call Ben? He’s yours. You’re his. You all have each other and that’s what’s important. As for the other stuff, I’m sure you’ve spoken with an attorney on what to do and all the legal ramifications for Ben. You’re not an operating-inside-the-box person, Erin. You’ll forge a path with this baby, like you’ve forged your own path all the years leading up to now.”
They sat there for a few minutes, Elise hugging Erin as she cried and then got herself back together. “I’m glad I told you that.”
“I’ll be here when you do get pregnant. Here to listen and to happily watch you be a mother again. I’m your friend. And, let’s be honest, it’ll take the pressure off me to give Rennie a baby sister or brother, because she can focus all her baby love on yours.”
“She’s going to be a great friend to the baby. I’m glad my kid will have you both around.”
“The questions Rennie’s going to ask me are going to be wonderful. I’m sending her to you for a few. I should send her into the delivery room with you. Best. Birth. Control. Ever.”
Erin laughed.
And Elise began.
“When I was twenty-three, I met Ken at a cocktail party. He was everything I wasn’t. Bold and larger than life. He was a painter of some repute and in demand. He set his sights on me. You have no idea how flattering that was.
“It went very fast between us and we eloped to Vegas four months later. And then I met his family and it was totally clear why he hadn’t introduced me to them. Things were all right for a while, but what had been a tendency to drink too much became a much bigger problem. Within a few years he’d become a full-blown crack addict. Worse, it was my brother who used with him. They fueled each other’s recklessness. Ken went to rehab and cleaned up. I thought he really had changed. We reconciled, I got pregnant. And he slipped back into using and I’d had enough. He harassed me, called me, begged me to take him back, threatened to kill me, and then his parents started calling, telling me they’d take the baby. They refused to believe he was using again.”
Just thinking about that time made her skin clammy. Her life had been on the razor’s edge that summer going into the winter, as she got bigger and bigger, as Ken’s life spun more and more out of control. But it had been being pregnant that had kept up her resolve to keep away from Ken.
“I filed for divorce and that was a horrible, ugly mess. But I won. He couldn’t have any unsupervised visits with Rennie and he had to pass drug tests to be allowed to see her at all. His parents got visitation, but never without me. Thank God she was an infant then.”
She focused on Erin, really looked at her, and paused. “Honey, are you all right?”
“I’m fine. It’s just, you know, the terror when your child is being threatened. I have been there. It’s not a good place.”
