Coming Undone
Page 68
“Ken was”—she licked her lips—“the life of every party. He was color spatters on a canvas, mad creation at two a.m. and then back to bed, where we’d make love until I had to rush out to class. What I learned over the happy times into the not-so-happy times was that he had no off button. He never got enough. No matter what it was. And then the drugs with Matty.
“So I left him finally. I left him and he continued to get in trouble. I took him back when he kept clean. And that’s when the condom broke and Rennie was conceived. You know the rest. He started using again. I kicked him out, changed the locks and eventually filed divorce papers. What a f**king idiot I was. I thought I could save him. I thought I could be the stability he needed to keep clean.”
Brody listened to her, listened to how torn up she was at other people’s failings. Knowing she considered herself a failure made him ache for her. He thought he’d be uncomfortable hearing about her ex, but he wasn’t. Angry, yes; jealous, no.
“You can’t do that for people. They have to do it themselves. Our dad was an alcoholic. He was found to be responsible, in part, for the accident that ended up killing both him and my mom.”
“I know that now. I wasn’t enough for him. A child on the way wasn’t enough. Nothing was enough.”
He turned to face her better. “You’re not a failure for preventing other people from f**king up. You’re not God and he didn’t step in with your brother or Ken either. So if God didn’t, why are you suddenly more powerful and responsible?”
“Do you feel responsible at all? For your parents?”
He swallowed hard. “Yeah. Sometimes. I was f**kin’ glad to get out of that house. I loved my brother and sister and still checked in on them, but I was gone from the day-to-day hassle of my father. Not having to deal with the dread when he wasn’t home in time for dinner, or the embarrassment when he got too drunk to walk . . . it freed me. And then I felt like a traitor when they died. My last words with him were angry. He was a good guy once, when I was young. Why couldn’t I hold on to those memories instead of the bad ones?” He shrugged. “But it’s not my fault. He drank too much, period. And nothing I could have said would have been enough to make him stop. It wasn’t about me. Just like your brother’s overdose wasn’t your fault. Just like Ken wasn’t your fault.”
“Maybe it’s me though. That I drive people to it.”
He laughed and kissed her. “Shorty, I’m here, aren’t I? Successful business, just like you. Nary a need for crack or hookers. I do like to have lots of sex with you, because, duh, look at you. But some people are driven to excess. It’s not about anyone but themselves. Let go of all this guilt. You’re not responsible for anyone but Rennie and yourself. Did you love your brother?”
“Yes. But I hated what he was like when he was tweaking. I resented him for not having the strength to stop. People kept saying he was sick, that he had a disease. I wanted to be understanding, but he left a bloody needle in my house! At some point I just sat up in bed and realized he’d never have a wife or kids or anything to sustain him and he was going to die. I think it was impossible to sustain him.” She broke off, shaking her head. “I spend too much time thinking about what used to be.”
Ah, there was something there. “And what about that? Do you want to be what you were?”
“No.” She swallowed and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “After, when I was in the hospital and they’d, god, they used a rape kit, I was doped up, covered in blood, freaked that Ken had given me something. Worried about Rennie and my parents. My father had to be sedated, he was so upset. It was a mess. But my mother kept saying to hang on so I could be just like new, just like I’d been before. Even when it was plain I’d never be able to dance professionally again, people kept saying they wanted to see the old me. I danced. It’s what I did, who I was from three to thirty. I achieved more than I’d ever imagined. And then I had Rennie. But the rest was filled with chaos. I don’t want to look back. I don’t want to go back. When I look into my mirror every day, I don’t wish I was that woman. I like my life here. It’s normal. Normal, and that’s wonderful. Normal is a luxury.”
He took her face in his hands. “You don’t have to be anything but who you are right now. Let go of what was. I don’t want you to be who you were before. I want you to be who you are.”
She simply crawled into his lap and curled into him. He kissed her shoulder and they sat, enjoying the moment.
Deep inside, Brody processed all the things she’d just told him. Loved her for her strength, loved her for her guilt, even as he made up his mind to make it stop. He liked normal too, when it included this woman.
23
“You’re going to have to repeat that.” Elise wondered if she’d heard Bill correctly when he recounted the allegations being made about her by the Sorensons.
“You heard me.” Bill shook his head. “These people remind me why there are days I hate doing family law.”
“Just be glad there’s a whole country separating them from the rest of us. I am dating someone. Brody Brown. He lives across the street from me, and yes, Rennie is exposed to him. But he and I have been together for a year, this thing between us is stable. He’s a good guy. He plays catch with her, he goes to the zoo and the aquarium with us. Everyone in our circle is a good person. They might have tattoos or they’re musicians. They’re all good people. That’s not unfit!”
“So I left him finally. I left him and he continued to get in trouble. I took him back when he kept clean. And that’s when the condom broke and Rennie was conceived. You know the rest. He started using again. I kicked him out, changed the locks and eventually filed divorce papers. What a f**king idiot I was. I thought I could save him. I thought I could be the stability he needed to keep clean.”
Brody listened to her, listened to how torn up she was at other people’s failings. Knowing she considered herself a failure made him ache for her. He thought he’d be uncomfortable hearing about her ex, but he wasn’t. Angry, yes; jealous, no.
“You can’t do that for people. They have to do it themselves. Our dad was an alcoholic. He was found to be responsible, in part, for the accident that ended up killing both him and my mom.”
“I know that now. I wasn’t enough for him. A child on the way wasn’t enough. Nothing was enough.”
He turned to face her better. “You’re not a failure for preventing other people from f**king up. You’re not God and he didn’t step in with your brother or Ken either. So if God didn’t, why are you suddenly more powerful and responsible?”
“Do you feel responsible at all? For your parents?”
He swallowed hard. “Yeah. Sometimes. I was f**kin’ glad to get out of that house. I loved my brother and sister and still checked in on them, but I was gone from the day-to-day hassle of my father. Not having to deal with the dread when he wasn’t home in time for dinner, or the embarrassment when he got too drunk to walk . . . it freed me. And then I felt like a traitor when they died. My last words with him were angry. He was a good guy once, when I was young. Why couldn’t I hold on to those memories instead of the bad ones?” He shrugged. “But it’s not my fault. He drank too much, period. And nothing I could have said would have been enough to make him stop. It wasn’t about me. Just like your brother’s overdose wasn’t your fault. Just like Ken wasn’t your fault.”
“Maybe it’s me though. That I drive people to it.”
He laughed and kissed her. “Shorty, I’m here, aren’t I? Successful business, just like you. Nary a need for crack or hookers. I do like to have lots of sex with you, because, duh, look at you. But some people are driven to excess. It’s not about anyone but themselves. Let go of all this guilt. You’re not responsible for anyone but Rennie and yourself. Did you love your brother?”
“Yes. But I hated what he was like when he was tweaking. I resented him for not having the strength to stop. People kept saying he was sick, that he had a disease. I wanted to be understanding, but he left a bloody needle in my house! At some point I just sat up in bed and realized he’d never have a wife or kids or anything to sustain him and he was going to die. I think it was impossible to sustain him.” She broke off, shaking her head. “I spend too much time thinking about what used to be.”
Ah, there was something there. “And what about that? Do you want to be what you were?”
“No.” She swallowed and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “After, when I was in the hospital and they’d, god, they used a rape kit, I was doped up, covered in blood, freaked that Ken had given me something. Worried about Rennie and my parents. My father had to be sedated, he was so upset. It was a mess. But my mother kept saying to hang on so I could be just like new, just like I’d been before. Even when it was plain I’d never be able to dance professionally again, people kept saying they wanted to see the old me. I danced. It’s what I did, who I was from three to thirty. I achieved more than I’d ever imagined. And then I had Rennie. But the rest was filled with chaos. I don’t want to look back. I don’t want to go back. When I look into my mirror every day, I don’t wish I was that woman. I like my life here. It’s normal. Normal, and that’s wonderful. Normal is a luxury.”
He took her face in his hands. “You don’t have to be anything but who you are right now. Let go of what was. I don’t want you to be who you were before. I want you to be who you are.”
She simply crawled into his lap and curled into him. He kissed her shoulder and they sat, enjoying the moment.
Deep inside, Brody processed all the things she’d just told him. Loved her for her strength, loved her for her guilt, even as he made up his mind to make it stop. He liked normal too, when it included this woman.
23
“You’re going to have to repeat that.” Elise wondered if she’d heard Bill correctly when he recounted the allegations being made about her by the Sorensons.
“You heard me.” Bill shook his head. “These people remind me why there are days I hate doing family law.”
“Just be glad there’s a whole country separating them from the rest of us. I am dating someone. Brody Brown. He lives across the street from me, and yes, Rennie is exposed to him. But he and I have been together for a year, this thing between us is stable. He’s a good guy. He plays catch with her, he goes to the zoo and the aquarium with us. Everyone in our circle is a good person. They might have tattoos or they’re musicians. They’re all good people. That’s not unfit!”
