Coming Undone
Page 77
“I should pinch you for that, but I’m so full of endorphins and afterglow I can’t work up the energy. Eating is an issue for many, many dancers. Eating disorders are common, especially with the younger dancers. It’s very harsh sometimes. The way a dancer might be critiqued. I’ve been told I was too fat more than once. But overall, my metabolism is fast, so as long as I’m active, I can keep tone. But being in bed and then on crutches was hard. I didn’t have the discipline I had when I danced. I was depressed, so I ate and gained a bit of weight. I still carry it in my boobs and thighs. But the pressure isn’t there for me in the same way it was before. So I joke and all, but I’ll eat cookie dough anyway and not feel one bit guilty. Except for the raw eggs part. That’s bad, I know it.”
“Rebel.”
“You know it. Your brother stopped by earlier and brought Rennie a present. He’s very sweet to take the time, and she’s crushing on him almost as hard as she crushes on you.”
He laughed. “As long as I’m still in first place, I can accept that. I can’t believe anyone would say you were fat. That’s a mind f**k.”
She shrugged. “It’s the way it is. How you look is important. Your size is important because your partner has to pick you up. But I can’t lie and say it’s not part of what I hated and hate now with the girls I teach. There’s a line, you have to be aware of it and deal with it. Some of these mothers are my best advocates when I’m trying to drive home the importance of good nutrition; others are big supporters of crap diets to keep their kids thin. I’m glad Rennie wants to paint instead.”
“Good thing she’ll have us around to keep her grounded.” He smiled, thinking about what Rennie would be like as a teenager.
“I’ll need a full contingent of adults to back me up with her. She’s already a force of nature at seven.” She snuggled into him again, warm and small and smelling so damned good. “I wish you didn’t have to go either. You feel so good and warm here in my bed. By the way, when does summer start anyway? It’s still cold.”
“Welcome to Seattle, Shorty. We cruise into summer. Round about July it gets hot. We like it that way.”
“If you were in my bed at night, I’d be fine. You’re like a furnace.”
“I can wake up before Rennie and get out of here before she comes downstairs.”
“I wish you could. I know it doesn’t matter if I am the slut they’re trying to say I am, it doesn’t make me unfit. But they’re watching me. I know it’s stupid, but I’m so afraid. Afraid they’ll take her and something I did will give them a reason. My attorneys keep assuring me everything will be fine, but she’s my baby.”
He kissed her. “It’s okay. We’ll have plenty of time after this is all cleared up. I’m sorry you’re afraid. But your attorneys are right. You have rights as her mother. They barely saw her when she was living right there, they’re negative influences on her. Just a little while longer and you’ll be free to live without looking over your shoulder.”
The Sorensons were robbing him too. Taking away his time with her, with Rennie. He hated that Elise had to think twice about stupid, everyday things when she was such a good mom.
“I should go soon. If I fall asleep, I’ll be out until the morning.”
She sighed heavily and sat up, mesmerizing him with the fall of pale hair over her shoulders. “I know. You need the rest, you have a big day tomorrow.” She traced under his eyes with the flick of her thumb and he leaned into the touch.
“We’ll see each other though. In the evening. How about we go grab burgers and then go see the new kid flick, with the robot. I saw an ad on television.”
She closed her eyes a moment and then licked her lips. “It means a lot to me, that you think of her the way you do. That you understand she and I are linked. It’s important to me.”
“Of course I do.” He sat up too, facing her. “I love your kid to pieces.”
“I know. But will you just be careful with her? She’s very attached to you.”
He kissed her. “I know she is. Do you think I’m not keeping her safe? When she’s in my car, I use the booster seat. I don’t think I let her play with knives or anything.”
“No, no, not that. It’s just, when you walk away, give her time.”
She thought he was walking away? Anger flashed through him. “You think I’m gonna make your kid love me and dump you both? Is that what I’m giving off now?”
She backed up a bit, alarm on her features, but relaxed a tiny bit after a moment. “I-I don’t. I just, I know you’re not looking for two more people to take care of.”
“I’m asking you here, is that what you think I am? What I’d do?”
“You said that’s what you’d do.” She punched the mattress before getting up and pulling her clothes on.
“When the hell did I say that?” He joined her, getting dressed quickly.
“When we first started sleeping together, you said you weren’t looking for forever, that you were too busy! What else was I supposed to think? You said it yourself.”
He hauled her close and she shuddered. “Fuck, f**k, I’m scaring you. I’m sorry. It’s just, I’m not walking away from you. You or Rennie. It’s important to me that you know it.” She relaxed into him and he let go of his anxiety.
“Rebel.”
“You know it. Your brother stopped by earlier and brought Rennie a present. He’s very sweet to take the time, and she’s crushing on him almost as hard as she crushes on you.”
He laughed. “As long as I’m still in first place, I can accept that. I can’t believe anyone would say you were fat. That’s a mind f**k.”
She shrugged. “It’s the way it is. How you look is important. Your size is important because your partner has to pick you up. But I can’t lie and say it’s not part of what I hated and hate now with the girls I teach. There’s a line, you have to be aware of it and deal with it. Some of these mothers are my best advocates when I’m trying to drive home the importance of good nutrition; others are big supporters of crap diets to keep their kids thin. I’m glad Rennie wants to paint instead.”
“Good thing she’ll have us around to keep her grounded.” He smiled, thinking about what Rennie would be like as a teenager.
“I’ll need a full contingent of adults to back me up with her. She’s already a force of nature at seven.” She snuggled into him again, warm and small and smelling so damned good. “I wish you didn’t have to go either. You feel so good and warm here in my bed. By the way, when does summer start anyway? It’s still cold.”
“Welcome to Seattle, Shorty. We cruise into summer. Round about July it gets hot. We like it that way.”
“If you were in my bed at night, I’d be fine. You’re like a furnace.”
“I can wake up before Rennie and get out of here before she comes downstairs.”
“I wish you could. I know it doesn’t matter if I am the slut they’re trying to say I am, it doesn’t make me unfit. But they’re watching me. I know it’s stupid, but I’m so afraid. Afraid they’ll take her and something I did will give them a reason. My attorneys keep assuring me everything will be fine, but she’s my baby.”
He kissed her. “It’s okay. We’ll have plenty of time after this is all cleared up. I’m sorry you’re afraid. But your attorneys are right. You have rights as her mother. They barely saw her when she was living right there, they’re negative influences on her. Just a little while longer and you’ll be free to live without looking over your shoulder.”
The Sorensons were robbing him too. Taking away his time with her, with Rennie. He hated that Elise had to think twice about stupid, everyday things when she was such a good mom.
“I should go soon. If I fall asleep, I’ll be out until the morning.”
She sighed heavily and sat up, mesmerizing him with the fall of pale hair over her shoulders. “I know. You need the rest, you have a big day tomorrow.” She traced under his eyes with the flick of her thumb and he leaned into the touch.
“We’ll see each other though. In the evening. How about we go grab burgers and then go see the new kid flick, with the robot. I saw an ad on television.”
She closed her eyes a moment and then licked her lips. “It means a lot to me, that you think of her the way you do. That you understand she and I are linked. It’s important to me.”
“Of course I do.” He sat up too, facing her. “I love your kid to pieces.”
“I know. But will you just be careful with her? She’s very attached to you.”
He kissed her. “I know she is. Do you think I’m not keeping her safe? When she’s in my car, I use the booster seat. I don’t think I let her play with knives or anything.”
“No, no, not that. It’s just, when you walk away, give her time.”
She thought he was walking away? Anger flashed through him. “You think I’m gonna make your kid love me and dump you both? Is that what I’m giving off now?”
She backed up a bit, alarm on her features, but relaxed a tiny bit after a moment. “I-I don’t. I just, I know you’re not looking for two more people to take care of.”
“I’m asking you here, is that what you think I am? What I’d do?”
“You said that’s what you’d do.” She punched the mattress before getting up and pulling her clothes on.
“When the hell did I say that?” He joined her, getting dressed quickly.
“When we first started sleeping together, you said you weren’t looking for forever, that you were too busy! What else was I supposed to think? You said it yourself.”
He hauled her close and she shuddered. “Fuck, f**k, I’m scaring you. I’m sorry. It’s just, I’m not walking away from you. You or Rennie. It’s important to me that you know it.” She relaxed into him and he let go of his anxiety.
