Count on Me
Page 29
“You gonna take him to school? I think that would be a mighty sexy sight so you’d need to do it when you were with me.”
His humor broke that knot of anger loose and she felt a little better. She tried not to smile but she failed. “If I did I’d whip him with a ruler. Who does he think he is anyway? Like I’d stoop to the level of the likes of Benji and randomly start a fight at a bar? I don’t even know the guy.”
It was Royal’s turn to sigh. “Enough people saw what truly happened Friday night that any time someone says you started it, the truth will out.”
“Maybe. People get offended when you won’t believe what they think you should.”
He turned. “I don’t like that he made you cry. Makes me want to punch him in the nose.”
She shook her head. “He didn’t make me cry. It made me mad. The tears.” She paused a moment before deciding to take a leap and trust him. “Do you know that empty lot off the highway near the farm supply store? That was where my family’s diner was.”
He pressed a kiss against the top of her head. “And you have to pass it to get here. They bulldozed the building ten years ago. I’m just so used to traveling that road that I don’t think about it. I’m sorry.”
“This is not your fault in any way. I’m not saying this right. Let’s eat and watch movies and spend time together.”
“Nope. I mean, yes do eat and we will definitely spend time together, but if ever someone needed to get some stuff off their mind, it’s you. I’m an excellent listener.”
“You should know me a while, maybe even touch my boobs before I show you just how crazy my baggage is.”
He reached out and totally felt her up! It was so fast and unexpected she wasn’t offended. Not that she wasn’t absolutely fine with him touching her br**sts in the first place.
His pleased laugh made her shake her head. He was so amused with himself. “Oh my God, you’re such a handful.”
“I feel like a Lost Boy, but come with me.” He waggled his brows before he got serious again. “Well, now that I’ve rounded second base, and let me tell you, your tits are f**king spectacular, you can share your crazy baggage. Caro, I’m not going anywhere.”
She took a deep breath. “I should have gotten a beer.”
He got up, went to get them both one and returned. He clinked his bottle against hers. “I know you haven’t always been able to count on people in your life, Caro. But I’m not them.”
“I feel like I can’t express my grief here. In Petal I mean.” She cleared her throat and took a few gulps of her beer. “It’s suffocating. Sometimes the walls feel too close. Like everything I do is under inspection, and I tell myself f**k that, this is my life and I am not ashamed. I try to ignore all that attention, but in doing so I’m sort of hyperaware of it instead.”
He nodded, listening. And it felt good to let go of the words she’d been holding back. “I’m just very careful in my life when I’m here. Hyper conscious of appearances. It’s lonely sometimes and I want to reach out to these people—all of whom were such a huge part of my life until I was sixteen—and I can’t. I want to have that ease Mindy and Shep do with my grandparents. I tell myself that it was my choice and it was. I left Petal, and when I did, I left them. So then I tell myself that I have to show them what they need to see.”
“Essentially the parts of you utterly removed from your parents and the murder at all. You turn it all off to protect them but they have no right to demand it. That’s not fair, Caroline. It’s not fair of them to expect you not to have feelings. You’re still their granddaughter. They need to love you for who you are, for all parts of you.”
She shrugged. “I argue this point with myself all the time. And maybe sometimes I don’t know where that ends. Whatever it is, I’m walking such a fine line. Constantly measuring my reactions to everything, and then I think, oh my God I can’t do this for the rest of my life.
“I’m the oldest, my parents would want me to hold our family together. Anyway, I sat there and looked across the road, and I let go of it. It felt good. I was lightened and I processed some stuff. I’m seeing Petal differently now that I’m living here than when I did when I only came back a few times a year. This is my hometown, and ugh, it’s complicated! And then I feel guilty for being angry over how much I’m having to give up. And I don’t mean my firm or my house or my car, those things. But the ability to truly relax enough to be a whole person. I don’t feel safe enough to do that here.”
He started to speak but she held a hand up. “But I just realized right now that this little moment is sort of a root. A root to building a community, my safe place here. You’re part of that.”
“Contraband grief. Wow, that’s a powerful concept. I’m sorry. I’ve lost my father, and my mother, well I’ve had to give her up little by little as she’s declined over the years. Grief is important. It’ll eat you up if you can’t express it in your own way. You do what you need to. Feel what you need to. Don’t let anyone else police that.”
“Which is easier said than done.”
He snorted. “Yes, that’s true. You’re tough though. And when you need an ear, I’m around. I’m happy you feel like I’m part of what makes you feel safe in Petal. That’s a really nice compliment. One of my all-time favorites, I think. Just know that with me, you can cry or whatever any time.”
His humor broke that knot of anger loose and she felt a little better. She tried not to smile but she failed. “If I did I’d whip him with a ruler. Who does he think he is anyway? Like I’d stoop to the level of the likes of Benji and randomly start a fight at a bar? I don’t even know the guy.”
It was Royal’s turn to sigh. “Enough people saw what truly happened Friday night that any time someone says you started it, the truth will out.”
“Maybe. People get offended when you won’t believe what they think you should.”
He turned. “I don’t like that he made you cry. Makes me want to punch him in the nose.”
She shook her head. “He didn’t make me cry. It made me mad. The tears.” She paused a moment before deciding to take a leap and trust him. “Do you know that empty lot off the highway near the farm supply store? That was where my family’s diner was.”
He pressed a kiss against the top of her head. “And you have to pass it to get here. They bulldozed the building ten years ago. I’m just so used to traveling that road that I don’t think about it. I’m sorry.”
“This is not your fault in any way. I’m not saying this right. Let’s eat and watch movies and spend time together.”
“Nope. I mean, yes do eat and we will definitely spend time together, but if ever someone needed to get some stuff off their mind, it’s you. I’m an excellent listener.”
“You should know me a while, maybe even touch my boobs before I show you just how crazy my baggage is.”
He reached out and totally felt her up! It was so fast and unexpected she wasn’t offended. Not that she wasn’t absolutely fine with him touching her br**sts in the first place.
His pleased laugh made her shake her head. He was so amused with himself. “Oh my God, you’re such a handful.”
“I feel like a Lost Boy, but come with me.” He waggled his brows before he got serious again. “Well, now that I’ve rounded second base, and let me tell you, your tits are f**king spectacular, you can share your crazy baggage. Caro, I’m not going anywhere.”
She took a deep breath. “I should have gotten a beer.”
He got up, went to get them both one and returned. He clinked his bottle against hers. “I know you haven’t always been able to count on people in your life, Caro. But I’m not them.”
“I feel like I can’t express my grief here. In Petal I mean.” She cleared her throat and took a few gulps of her beer. “It’s suffocating. Sometimes the walls feel too close. Like everything I do is under inspection, and I tell myself f**k that, this is my life and I am not ashamed. I try to ignore all that attention, but in doing so I’m sort of hyperaware of it instead.”
He nodded, listening. And it felt good to let go of the words she’d been holding back. “I’m just very careful in my life when I’m here. Hyper conscious of appearances. It’s lonely sometimes and I want to reach out to these people—all of whom were such a huge part of my life until I was sixteen—and I can’t. I want to have that ease Mindy and Shep do with my grandparents. I tell myself that it was my choice and it was. I left Petal, and when I did, I left them. So then I tell myself that I have to show them what they need to see.”
“Essentially the parts of you utterly removed from your parents and the murder at all. You turn it all off to protect them but they have no right to demand it. That’s not fair, Caroline. It’s not fair of them to expect you not to have feelings. You’re still their granddaughter. They need to love you for who you are, for all parts of you.”
She shrugged. “I argue this point with myself all the time. And maybe sometimes I don’t know where that ends. Whatever it is, I’m walking such a fine line. Constantly measuring my reactions to everything, and then I think, oh my God I can’t do this for the rest of my life.
“I’m the oldest, my parents would want me to hold our family together. Anyway, I sat there and looked across the road, and I let go of it. It felt good. I was lightened and I processed some stuff. I’m seeing Petal differently now that I’m living here than when I did when I only came back a few times a year. This is my hometown, and ugh, it’s complicated! And then I feel guilty for being angry over how much I’m having to give up. And I don’t mean my firm or my house or my car, those things. But the ability to truly relax enough to be a whole person. I don’t feel safe enough to do that here.”
He started to speak but she held a hand up. “But I just realized right now that this little moment is sort of a root. A root to building a community, my safe place here. You’re part of that.”
“Contraband grief. Wow, that’s a powerful concept. I’m sorry. I’ve lost my father, and my mother, well I’ve had to give her up little by little as she’s declined over the years. Grief is important. It’ll eat you up if you can’t express it in your own way. You do what you need to. Feel what you need to. Don’t let anyone else police that.”
“Which is easier said than done.”
He snorted. “Yes, that’s true. You’re tough though. And when you need an ear, I’m around. I’m happy you feel like I’m part of what makes you feel safe in Petal. That’s a really nice compliment. One of my all-time favorites, I think. Just know that with me, you can cry or whatever any time.”
