Crash into Me
Page 29
“No. I need to get to the Marriott. It’s on—”
She broke off as the cab door swung open to reveal Ryder standing there. “Come with me,” he told her. “Please.”
For long seconds, she didn’t move. Didn’t breathe. A million questions clamored in her head, but she couldn’t ask any of them. Her tongue was tied into too many knots.
He reached for her hand and like a moron, she gave it to him. How could she not when the lyrics of that beautiful song were crashing through her brain over and over again?
She’d barely climbed out of the cab before Ryder was closing the door and it was speeding away into the night. It didn’t even occur to her that she hadn’t paid the driver until he was already gone.
Ryder moved her slowly down the sidewalk to a concrete and glass bench that was nestled up against the side of a building. Above it were the letters of a Houston radio station. The same radio station she had just been listening to.
“How?” It was the only question she could ask, the only syllable she could force from her tight throat and trembling lips.
“After spending two hours looking for you, I decided to get crafty. I paid off every dispatcher in every cab company in Houston so that when one of their cabbies picked up a woman dressed in a pink blouse with long red hair, they would call me. Finally, when I was on the brink of ripping out my own vocal chords—not to mention every hair on my head—one of them did.”
Jamison nodded like she understood, but she didn’t. She knew he was speaking English, but nothing he said made any sense. Nothing had made any sense since she’d heard that song playing on the radio. Because if she listened to the lyrics, if she let herself believe them—
“Why?” It seemed monosyllables were all she was capable of.
He stopped in front of her, his eyes searching every detail of her face. And she knew no smile in the world was going to hide the fact that she’d been crying.
“Why?” Ryder asked, his voice even huskier than it had been while he was singing. “Because I’m an as**ole. I’m sorry, Jamison. So, so sorry.”
Hope swelled inside of her, but she forced it back down. Instead, she swallowed convulsively before whispering, “For what?”
“For breaking your heart.”
That was what she’d been afraid of. He felt guilty. Ryder thought he was such a badass, but when it came to people he cared about, he was notoriously softhearted. And she knew he cared about her. Too bad it wasn’t in the way she needed him to. But still, she couldn’t let him feel guilty. Shaking her head, she pressed a hand to her mouth in an effort to stifle the sobs that were ripping at her throat. “I broke my own heart, Ryder.”
“No. No, you didn’t.” His hands closed convulsively over her shoulders. “I f**ked up. I got scared and I f**ked up and I hurt you. I’m so sorry that I hurt you.”
“It doesn’t matter—”
“Oh, it matters. It matters because you matter. More than anyone ever has.”
“Don’t do this. Don’t lie to me because you feel sorry for me.”
“Feel sorry for you? How could I feel sorry for you? You’re strong and smart and kind—”
“I’m not a damn dog!” The words burst from her before she knew she was going to say them. But she was so sick of being described like less than a woman just because she wasn’t sexy enough or beautiful enough.
He stared at her, obviously baffled. “What does that even mean?”
“I’m a woman, Ryder.”
“Believe me, I am well aware of that.” He lowered his head, brushed his beautiful mouth over hers. And fool that she was, she let him. She hated herself for it, but she was powerless to stop him. “I thought we covered this the other day. You’re beautiful to me, Jamison. The most beautiful person on earth.”
“Then why did you dump me like that? In the middle of Wyatt’s hospital room? Why did you let me feel like nothing?”
“No, baby, no. You’re not nothing. I am.” He pressed tender kisses on her forehead, her eyes, her cheeks, her mouth. “I’m the as**ole who let all the baggage I carry around get twisted up in my head. I thought you’d be safe if I let you go. Thought you’d be better off.”
Her heart thawed out despite her best intentions. How could it not when he was looking at her like that, baring his soul to her in a way she knew he hated. “What about now?”
“Now, I’m just plain terrified that I f**ked up what we could have. I love you, Jamison. I love everything I know about you, even the way you organize your damn recipes alphabetically. I want to spend the next fifty years learning everything there is to know about you, so that I can love you more every day.”
“Ryder—”
“Please,” he told her. “I know I should step back, give you time to think, to make an educated choice. But I can’t. Please, Jamison. Please say you’ll give me another chance.”
Oh God. Her heart was breaking all over again. He was saying everything she needed to hear, everything she’d wanted him to say for days, for years. But she didn’t know if it was real. Didn’t know if she could trust him or his feelings for her. How could she when he was Ryder Freaking Matthews and she was just the girl who’d loved him most of her life?
“I love you and I know you love me.” He paused. “Please. Tell me you love me.”
“It doesn’t make any difference.”
“It makes every difference. I never knew I could feel about anyone the way I feel about you. It’s so huge, so monumental, that it terrifies me. Because you see me. You see all the way inside of me to places nobody else even knows exist. And I can’t understand, can’t imagine, what someone like you could possibly see in someone like me.”
“That’s because you always see yourself all wrong.” She started crying all over again. “I wish, for one minute, you could see yourself the way that I see you. You’re like a shooting star, brilliant and dazzling and completely unattainable. You streak across the sky, traveling faster than the speed of light and then—”
“And then I burn myself out.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“No, but that’s what’s going to happen if you leave me. We both know it. You think I’m so special—”
“You are special.”
“Not without you. Never without you.”
“Ryder. You’re asking me for everything.”
“I am.” He nodded. “Yes. But I’m offering you everything I have in return. Everything I am. Everything I’ll ever be.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead. Pressed another one to her cheek before sliding his lips down her cheek and across her jaw to her own mouth. He dropped soft, sweet kisses on her lips until her head spun and her breath caught in her throat. And then he did it again.
“Trust me,” he urged again. “I swear, I won’t let you down.”
She stared at him, dizzy and disturbed and terrified, so terrified of laying her heart on the line one more time. But as she stared at him, at his dark and dazzling eyes, at the soft and sexy smile that she knew he never showed to anyone else, she realized he was right . Loving him was very easy to do.
Reaching for him, she clutched his hands tightly in her own. “I love you,” she told him. “I’ve always loved you and I always will. I love the man you are, and the man I know you can be. I trust you, Ryder, and I want to build a life with you. I won’t lose sight of that again.”
“Thank God.” He dropped his head to hers, pulled in shuddering breath after shuddering breath. “Thank God.”
Jamison reached up, tangled her fingers in the silky hair she loved so much. “Take me back to the hotel,” she whispered as she pressed her lips to his. “We’ll kick Jared and Quinn out of my room. Or, better yet, just get a new one.”
“That’s a great plan, baby,” he said between kisses. “One I can whole-heartedly get behind. But we have a stop to make first.”
“A stop? Where?”
“I’ll explain on the way.” He dragged her around the corner to where a limousine was waiting. He held the door open for her and as he did, he smiled and once again it took her breath away. Because it wasn’t his stage smile, wasn’t the smile he gave a million different people. No, this was Ryder at his most open, most vulnerable. It weakened her knees and sped up her heart. This time it did more than that. It made her believe in happily ever after, not just for other people, but for herself. For Ryder. She couldn’t wait to see that smile every day for the rest of her life.
Because finally she believed. She wasn’t the perfect rocker’s wife—not by a long shot. But that was just fine, because Ryder was a far cry from being the perfect rocker. It was only together that they were perfect. And that was more than enough for her.
She broke off as the cab door swung open to reveal Ryder standing there. “Come with me,” he told her. “Please.”
For long seconds, she didn’t move. Didn’t breathe. A million questions clamored in her head, but she couldn’t ask any of them. Her tongue was tied into too many knots.
He reached for her hand and like a moron, she gave it to him. How could she not when the lyrics of that beautiful song were crashing through her brain over and over again?
She’d barely climbed out of the cab before Ryder was closing the door and it was speeding away into the night. It didn’t even occur to her that she hadn’t paid the driver until he was already gone.
Ryder moved her slowly down the sidewalk to a concrete and glass bench that was nestled up against the side of a building. Above it were the letters of a Houston radio station. The same radio station she had just been listening to.
“How?” It was the only question she could ask, the only syllable she could force from her tight throat and trembling lips.
“After spending two hours looking for you, I decided to get crafty. I paid off every dispatcher in every cab company in Houston so that when one of their cabbies picked up a woman dressed in a pink blouse with long red hair, they would call me. Finally, when I was on the brink of ripping out my own vocal chords—not to mention every hair on my head—one of them did.”
Jamison nodded like she understood, but she didn’t. She knew he was speaking English, but nothing he said made any sense. Nothing had made any sense since she’d heard that song playing on the radio. Because if she listened to the lyrics, if she let herself believe them—
“Why?” It seemed monosyllables were all she was capable of.
He stopped in front of her, his eyes searching every detail of her face. And she knew no smile in the world was going to hide the fact that she’d been crying.
“Why?” Ryder asked, his voice even huskier than it had been while he was singing. “Because I’m an as**ole. I’m sorry, Jamison. So, so sorry.”
Hope swelled inside of her, but she forced it back down. Instead, she swallowed convulsively before whispering, “For what?”
“For breaking your heart.”
That was what she’d been afraid of. He felt guilty. Ryder thought he was such a badass, but when it came to people he cared about, he was notoriously softhearted. And she knew he cared about her. Too bad it wasn’t in the way she needed him to. But still, she couldn’t let him feel guilty. Shaking her head, she pressed a hand to her mouth in an effort to stifle the sobs that were ripping at her throat. “I broke my own heart, Ryder.”
“No. No, you didn’t.” His hands closed convulsively over her shoulders. “I f**ked up. I got scared and I f**ked up and I hurt you. I’m so sorry that I hurt you.”
“It doesn’t matter—”
“Oh, it matters. It matters because you matter. More than anyone ever has.”
“Don’t do this. Don’t lie to me because you feel sorry for me.”
“Feel sorry for you? How could I feel sorry for you? You’re strong and smart and kind—”
“I’m not a damn dog!” The words burst from her before she knew she was going to say them. But she was so sick of being described like less than a woman just because she wasn’t sexy enough or beautiful enough.
He stared at her, obviously baffled. “What does that even mean?”
“I’m a woman, Ryder.”
“Believe me, I am well aware of that.” He lowered his head, brushed his beautiful mouth over hers. And fool that she was, she let him. She hated herself for it, but she was powerless to stop him. “I thought we covered this the other day. You’re beautiful to me, Jamison. The most beautiful person on earth.”
“Then why did you dump me like that? In the middle of Wyatt’s hospital room? Why did you let me feel like nothing?”
“No, baby, no. You’re not nothing. I am.” He pressed tender kisses on her forehead, her eyes, her cheeks, her mouth. “I’m the as**ole who let all the baggage I carry around get twisted up in my head. I thought you’d be safe if I let you go. Thought you’d be better off.”
Her heart thawed out despite her best intentions. How could it not when he was looking at her like that, baring his soul to her in a way she knew he hated. “What about now?”
“Now, I’m just plain terrified that I f**ked up what we could have. I love you, Jamison. I love everything I know about you, even the way you organize your damn recipes alphabetically. I want to spend the next fifty years learning everything there is to know about you, so that I can love you more every day.”
“Ryder—”
“Please,” he told her. “I know I should step back, give you time to think, to make an educated choice. But I can’t. Please, Jamison. Please say you’ll give me another chance.”
Oh God. Her heart was breaking all over again. He was saying everything she needed to hear, everything she’d wanted him to say for days, for years. But she didn’t know if it was real. Didn’t know if she could trust him or his feelings for her. How could she when he was Ryder Freaking Matthews and she was just the girl who’d loved him most of her life?
“I love you and I know you love me.” He paused. “Please. Tell me you love me.”
“It doesn’t make any difference.”
“It makes every difference. I never knew I could feel about anyone the way I feel about you. It’s so huge, so monumental, that it terrifies me. Because you see me. You see all the way inside of me to places nobody else even knows exist. And I can’t understand, can’t imagine, what someone like you could possibly see in someone like me.”
“That’s because you always see yourself all wrong.” She started crying all over again. “I wish, for one minute, you could see yourself the way that I see you. You’re like a shooting star, brilliant and dazzling and completely unattainable. You streak across the sky, traveling faster than the speed of light and then—”
“And then I burn myself out.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“No, but that’s what’s going to happen if you leave me. We both know it. You think I’m so special—”
“You are special.”
“Not without you. Never without you.”
“Ryder. You’re asking me for everything.”
“I am.” He nodded. “Yes. But I’m offering you everything I have in return. Everything I am. Everything I’ll ever be.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead. Pressed another one to her cheek before sliding his lips down her cheek and across her jaw to her own mouth. He dropped soft, sweet kisses on her lips until her head spun and her breath caught in her throat. And then he did it again.
“Trust me,” he urged again. “I swear, I won’t let you down.”
She stared at him, dizzy and disturbed and terrified, so terrified of laying her heart on the line one more time. But as she stared at him, at his dark and dazzling eyes, at the soft and sexy smile that she knew he never showed to anyone else, she realized he was right . Loving him was very easy to do.
Reaching for him, she clutched his hands tightly in her own. “I love you,” she told him. “I’ve always loved you and I always will. I love the man you are, and the man I know you can be. I trust you, Ryder, and I want to build a life with you. I won’t lose sight of that again.”
“Thank God.” He dropped his head to hers, pulled in shuddering breath after shuddering breath. “Thank God.”
Jamison reached up, tangled her fingers in the silky hair she loved so much. “Take me back to the hotel,” she whispered as she pressed her lips to his. “We’ll kick Jared and Quinn out of my room. Or, better yet, just get a new one.”
“That’s a great plan, baby,” he said between kisses. “One I can whole-heartedly get behind. But we have a stop to make first.”
“A stop? Where?”
“I’ll explain on the way.” He dragged her around the corner to where a limousine was waiting. He held the door open for her and as he did, he smiled and once again it took her breath away. Because it wasn’t his stage smile, wasn’t the smile he gave a million different people. No, this was Ryder at his most open, most vulnerable. It weakened her knees and sped up her heart. This time it did more than that. It made her believe in happily ever after, not just for other people, but for herself. For Ryder. She couldn’t wait to see that smile every day for the rest of her life.
Because finally she believed. She wasn’t the perfect rocker’s wife—not by a long shot. But that was just fine, because Ryder was a far cry from being the perfect rocker. It was only together that they were perfect. And that was more than enough for her.
