Crash
Page 51
It was like I absorbed his depression and rage. He might have healed, but I was still broken. I gave too much of myself to him. This happens all the time. I always help other people, and in the end I’m left with nothing. I’m empty.
In the kitchen, I started a pot of coffee, not caring about the mountain of dishes piled in the sink, or the dirty floors. My stomach rumbled with hunger, but I couldn’t be bothered to fix myself breakfast. All I could do was sit there alone and listen to the clock. Everyone at work had the week off because of the holiday. I couldn’t bear to listen to another voicemail of my mother threatening to invite Ben over if I didn’t bring Will. I couldn’t bear to tell her that he wasn’t coming.
A surge of anger leapt in my chest and I decided that I was going to send the mock-up of the website to Will. I wouldn’t send a message, just the image. And that would be the last time I did anything for him. I was tired of being used. I charged over to my room and sent it to his email. I smiled with a grim satisfaction as it sent to him.
Then I just felt small. You’re being petty.
The doorbell rang and I walked to the front door, having no clue who it could be. Astonished, I opened the door to see Jessica.
Luke stood beside her, looking unusually radiant. Jessica, on the other hand, looked miserable. It was strange to see their conflicting emotions.
Whatever. I walked away from the door, leaving it hanging open. I was being rude, but I didn’t really care about manners anymore. I returned to my perch on the kitchen table and watched as Luke walked in a beeline straight towards me.
“Natalie, we tried calling but it kept going to voicemail.”
“I turned off my phone,” I said miserably.
“Well, I wanted to thank you for what you’ve done for me.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Um—which is?” I had no idea what he was talking about.
He bounced on his feet and gave me a playful smile. “Oh, come on! Uncle Dominic gave me all my shares back. He said it was all down to you. I don’t know how you swung it, but I am really grateful.” He stooped down on his knees and actually grabbed my shoulders so that he could hug me.
I completely forgot about the bargain I tried to make with Will’s dad. I stared at Jessica over his shoulder, both of us sharing looks of complete shock.
“Natalie, what’s happened?”
Unlike Luke, she knew immediately that something was wrong with me. I could see her looking at the dirty and the dishes. Luke’s arms were still tight around my back and it reminded me of Will somehow and then I burst into tears, clinging to his shoulders.
“Natalie—what?”
Luke cupped my cheek and I pulled away, sobbing like a baby. “No, don’t!”
He let me go and I collapsed into my hands on the dirty table, my neck burning from humiliation.
“Natalie,” Jessica muttered, approaching me with a wad of paper towels. “Don’t. Let me clear this off the table.”
“No!” I shouted, almost angrily. “Just leave it! Leave it! It’s fine the way it is!”
Jessica stopped with the balled up towels in her hand, looking frightened. “Okay.”
“I knew you shouldn’t have left her alone,” Luke said in a sharp voice.
They began to argue, but I didn’t listen to it. “Will,” I moaned.
“Will? What about him?” Jessica asked in a soft voice.
“He broke my fucking heart.” I almost wanted to laugh at how cheesy that sounded, but it was true. It was absolutely true and I couldn’t stop crying. I took the wad of paper towels from Jessica and smothered my face.
Luke stood up with balled fists at his sides. “I’m going to have a word with him!”
“NO!”
Both of us shouted in unison. I looked at my best friend and felt a rush of affection for her.
“I don’t want to see him,” I gasped. “I just want to forget him.”
Jessica’s hand soothed my back. “Okay. I’m sorry for leaving you here, I just didn’t know what to do.”
His hand tightened over his smartphone. He looked like he was dying to call his cousin. I knew that he would the moment he left my apartment and there was nothing I could say to stop it.
“Goddamn it. I knew this would happen. I knew it!”
Jessica and I stared at him. Luke rarely swore. He must be really upset.
“Natalie, I hate to do this but we have a flight to Chicago. We’re spending Thanksgiving with his uncle.”
My eyes widened. “Didn’t you just sue him?” I asked Luke.
He smiled thinly. “Yeah, but he said he wants us to be a family again. I don’t know, maybe we should cancel it.”
“No,” I said in a firm voice. “I’m happy for you. Just g—go.” I tried not to wonder whether Will would be there, too. Go. Just leave me here to rot like everyone else.
Jessica leaned over me, in tears, and nearly squeezed my head off. “I promise I’ll make this up to you when we get back.”
I gave her a watery smile. “Don’t worry about me,” I said over and over.
And then they were gone, and I had nothing to distract me from my gloom.
* * *
The day before Thanksgiving, I finally decided to turn my phone on. I erased every message Will sent me. As soon as I recognized his voice, I deleted the message. One from his father made me pause.
“Ms. Porter, I’m calling because my wife and I wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done to help William and our family. The visit was quite a success and all of us can breathe easier. I don’t know how you convinced Will, but he’s finally seeing a therapist. Please know that you’ll always be welcome at our home. Thank you so much.”
Yeah, you’re welcome. Whatever. The next few messages were from Luke and Jessica, wondering if I wanted to go out with them, thanking me for what I had done, and the last dozen or so were a cringe-inducing series of messages from my mother.
I can’t ignore them forever.
I stared at the phone, willing myself to call them, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to hear their disappointment on top of everything else. I’ll just show up tomorrow morning.
The next morning, I woke up with a happy phone call from Jessica in Chicago, wishing me a happy Thanksgiving.
“How’re things?”
“Pretty good, actually!”
She went on about how everyone was behaving well and I fought myself not to ask her whether Will was there. “Well, happy Thanksgiving.”
In the kitchen, I started a pot of coffee, not caring about the mountain of dishes piled in the sink, or the dirty floors. My stomach rumbled with hunger, but I couldn’t be bothered to fix myself breakfast. All I could do was sit there alone and listen to the clock. Everyone at work had the week off because of the holiday. I couldn’t bear to listen to another voicemail of my mother threatening to invite Ben over if I didn’t bring Will. I couldn’t bear to tell her that he wasn’t coming.
A surge of anger leapt in my chest and I decided that I was going to send the mock-up of the website to Will. I wouldn’t send a message, just the image. And that would be the last time I did anything for him. I was tired of being used. I charged over to my room and sent it to his email. I smiled with a grim satisfaction as it sent to him.
Then I just felt small. You’re being petty.
The doorbell rang and I walked to the front door, having no clue who it could be. Astonished, I opened the door to see Jessica.
Luke stood beside her, looking unusually radiant. Jessica, on the other hand, looked miserable. It was strange to see their conflicting emotions.
Whatever. I walked away from the door, leaving it hanging open. I was being rude, but I didn’t really care about manners anymore. I returned to my perch on the kitchen table and watched as Luke walked in a beeline straight towards me.
“Natalie, we tried calling but it kept going to voicemail.”
“I turned off my phone,” I said miserably.
“Well, I wanted to thank you for what you’ve done for me.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Um—which is?” I had no idea what he was talking about.
He bounced on his feet and gave me a playful smile. “Oh, come on! Uncle Dominic gave me all my shares back. He said it was all down to you. I don’t know how you swung it, but I am really grateful.” He stooped down on his knees and actually grabbed my shoulders so that he could hug me.
I completely forgot about the bargain I tried to make with Will’s dad. I stared at Jessica over his shoulder, both of us sharing looks of complete shock.
“Natalie, what’s happened?”
Unlike Luke, she knew immediately that something was wrong with me. I could see her looking at the dirty and the dishes. Luke’s arms were still tight around my back and it reminded me of Will somehow and then I burst into tears, clinging to his shoulders.
“Natalie—what?”
Luke cupped my cheek and I pulled away, sobbing like a baby. “No, don’t!”
He let me go and I collapsed into my hands on the dirty table, my neck burning from humiliation.
“Natalie,” Jessica muttered, approaching me with a wad of paper towels. “Don’t. Let me clear this off the table.”
“No!” I shouted, almost angrily. “Just leave it! Leave it! It’s fine the way it is!”
Jessica stopped with the balled up towels in her hand, looking frightened. “Okay.”
“I knew you shouldn’t have left her alone,” Luke said in a sharp voice.
They began to argue, but I didn’t listen to it. “Will,” I moaned.
“Will? What about him?” Jessica asked in a soft voice.
“He broke my fucking heart.” I almost wanted to laugh at how cheesy that sounded, but it was true. It was absolutely true and I couldn’t stop crying. I took the wad of paper towels from Jessica and smothered my face.
Luke stood up with balled fists at his sides. “I’m going to have a word with him!”
“NO!”
Both of us shouted in unison. I looked at my best friend and felt a rush of affection for her.
“I don’t want to see him,” I gasped. “I just want to forget him.”
Jessica’s hand soothed my back. “Okay. I’m sorry for leaving you here, I just didn’t know what to do.”
His hand tightened over his smartphone. He looked like he was dying to call his cousin. I knew that he would the moment he left my apartment and there was nothing I could say to stop it.
“Goddamn it. I knew this would happen. I knew it!”
Jessica and I stared at him. Luke rarely swore. He must be really upset.
“Natalie, I hate to do this but we have a flight to Chicago. We’re spending Thanksgiving with his uncle.”
My eyes widened. “Didn’t you just sue him?” I asked Luke.
He smiled thinly. “Yeah, but he said he wants us to be a family again. I don’t know, maybe we should cancel it.”
“No,” I said in a firm voice. “I’m happy for you. Just g—go.” I tried not to wonder whether Will would be there, too. Go. Just leave me here to rot like everyone else.
Jessica leaned over me, in tears, and nearly squeezed my head off. “I promise I’ll make this up to you when we get back.”
I gave her a watery smile. “Don’t worry about me,” I said over and over.
And then they were gone, and I had nothing to distract me from my gloom.
* * *
The day before Thanksgiving, I finally decided to turn my phone on. I erased every message Will sent me. As soon as I recognized his voice, I deleted the message. One from his father made me pause.
“Ms. Porter, I’m calling because my wife and I wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done to help William and our family. The visit was quite a success and all of us can breathe easier. I don’t know how you convinced Will, but he’s finally seeing a therapist. Please know that you’ll always be welcome at our home. Thank you so much.”
Yeah, you’re welcome. Whatever. The next few messages were from Luke and Jessica, wondering if I wanted to go out with them, thanking me for what I had done, and the last dozen or so were a cringe-inducing series of messages from my mother.
I can’t ignore them forever.
I stared at the phone, willing myself to call them, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to hear their disappointment on top of everything else. I’ll just show up tomorrow morning.
The next morning, I woke up with a happy phone call from Jessica in Chicago, wishing me a happy Thanksgiving.
“How’re things?”
“Pretty good, actually!”
She went on about how everyone was behaving well and I fought myself not to ask her whether Will was there. “Well, happy Thanksgiving.”
