Craving Absolution
Page 55
It had been only hours since I’d found out that the little thing was in there, and I was already completely enamored with it. Instead of a hypothetical child that I enjoyed the idea of, I already felt as if I knew him or her, as if he or she were already an integral part of me. I wondered what it looked like, if it would be dark like Cody or light like me, and if he or she would have Cody’s clear blue eyes or my darker cloudy ones.
My mind wandered through the different scenarios, boy or girl, dark or light, until I finally drifted off to sleep, my mind finally clear of my worry for Cody. He had to be okay; there was no other option because we were having a baby.
When I woke up from my nap, the sun was high in the sky and Gram was sitting next to me in the matching rocking chair. For once her hands weren’t busy, and she sat still except for the movement of her feet that set the chair gently rocking.
“Didn’t want you to fall out of that chair, so I figured I’d sit with you a while,” she said as I turned my head to face her. “Couldn’t sleep?”
“No, I guess there was just too much going on in my head.”
“I can understand that,” she said with a nod. “Big changes coming up for you. Cody too.”
“Yeah, I’m not sure how he’s going to react.” I chuckled nervously, reaching down to rub what I’d thought was a result of Lily’s cooking. “We’ve always been pretty careful, you know? Even though I didn’t think I could get pregnant, we were still careful.”
“All the precautions in the world ain’t gonna matter if it’s meant to be.”
“Yeah, well, you might have to tell your grandson that after he passes out from shock,” I said ruefully.
“Eh, I think my boy might surprise ya. Cody’s never been one to place blame on anyone but himself. Gets that from his father. I think his reaction will mirror your own, truth be told.” She leaned her head against the back of the rocker, and her voice dropped as we watched the mama deer and fawns come into the yard. “You tell him scared, like you’re worried about his reaction? He’ll worry right alongside you. You tell him with excitement—because that’s what this is, it’s exciting—well, I have a feeling that’s the reaction you’ll get out of him too. He takes his cues from you, darlin’, always has.”
“I hope you’re right,” I said, trying to imagine Cody’s face when I told him the news. It was scary. It wasn’t that I didn’t think I could do the single parent thing. I could. And it wasn’t because I thought it would ever come to that; Cody would never walk away from his child. It was the knowledge that Gram might be right, that he’d pretend to feel however I was feeling, even if it was the last thing he wanted. That thought killed me.
“Something feels off today, don’t it?” Gram asked suddenly, her eyes coming to mine. “Can’t put my finger on it. Just feels off.”
“Yeah, I’ve been feeling the same way,” I replied, unsure whether I should burden her with my concerns about what was happening with the Aces.
“Callie called me last night, said Grease was heading out with the boys. He told her to tell us so we’d be extra careful the next few days,” she said knowingly. “You talk to Cody?”
“Yeah.” I bit the inside of my cheek. “I figured it was something like that, but he hadn’t told me.”
“Probably didn’t want to worry ya,” she said.
“You’re probably right,” I said, but that didn’t help the hurt feeling in my chest. “Wait, does Callie know I’m pregnant?” My raised voice carried over the field and the deer scampered off into the bushes.
“Hell no! That’s your news to tell, darlin’.”
“Oh, good.” I sighed. “I just think Cody should know first.”
“You tell people as you see fit. Ain’t none of my business,” she assured me with a nod, reaching her hand out as I stood so I could pull her from the chair.
“Do you think the baby’s going to be messed up since I haven’t taken any vitamins or anything?” I asked nervously as we walked into the house.
“Nah, we didn’t take any of that crap and my boys were just fine. ’Course, back then we smoked too. No, she’ll be fine.” She patted me on the shoulder. “Lily’ll get you some vitamins when she goes to the store.”
“You think it’s a girl?” I asked curiously.
“Yeah, I’ve got a feeling.” She started taking things out for breakfast, slamming around the kitchen until Lily stumbled into the room.
“What’s all that racket?” she yelled over the noise, her hair sticking up in fifty different directions.
“Time for your lazy ass to wake up,” Gram informed her with a mischievous smile.
“Shit, a woman needs her beauty sleep!” she retorted before turning to me. “How you doing, sweet cheeks?”
“I’m okay. Wigging out a little, but okay.”
“You should go on up and go through the green trunk in the attic while we make some brunch,” she said, patting my belly as she passed. “Pretty sure that’s the trunk with my old maternity clothes in it.”
“No shit? Wait, you have kids?”
“Had two, a girl and a boy, both gone now,” she answered stiffly. “You’ll probably find something in there that you can use. Go to town.”
My mind wandered through the different scenarios, boy or girl, dark or light, until I finally drifted off to sleep, my mind finally clear of my worry for Cody. He had to be okay; there was no other option because we were having a baby.
When I woke up from my nap, the sun was high in the sky and Gram was sitting next to me in the matching rocking chair. For once her hands weren’t busy, and she sat still except for the movement of her feet that set the chair gently rocking.
“Didn’t want you to fall out of that chair, so I figured I’d sit with you a while,” she said as I turned my head to face her. “Couldn’t sleep?”
“No, I guess there was just too much going on in my head.”
“I can understand that,” she said with a nod. “Big changes coming up for you. Cody too.”
“Yeah, I’m not sure how he’s going to react.” I chuckled nervously, reaching down to rub what I’d thought was a result of Lily’s cooking. “We’ve always been pretty careful, you know? Even though I didn’t think I could get pregnant, we were still careful.”
“All the precautions in the world ain’t gonna matter if it’s meant to be.”
“Yeah, well, you might have to tell your grandson that after he passes out from shock,” I said ruefully.
“Eh, I think my boy might surprise ya. Cody’s never been one to place blame on anyone but himself. Gets that from his father. I think his reaction will mirror your own, truth be told.” She leaned her head against the back of the rocker, and her voice dropped as we watched the mama deer and fawns come into the yard. “You tell him scared, like you’re worried about his reaction? He’ll worry right alongside you. You tell him with excitement—because that’s what this is, it’s exciting—well, I have a feeling that’s the reaction you’ll get out of him too. He takes his cues from you, darlin’, always has.”
“I hope you’re right,” I said, trying to imagine Cody’s face when I told him the news. It was scary. It wasn’t that I didn’t think I could do the single parent thing. I could. And it wasn’t because I thought it would ever come to that; Cody would never walk away from his child. It was the knowledge that Gram might be right, that he’d pretend to feel however I was feeling, even if it was the last thing he wanted. That thought killed me.
“Something feels off today, don’t it?” Gram asked suddenly, her eyes coming to mine. “Can’t put my finger on it. Just feels off.”
“Yeah, I’ve been feeling the same way,” I replied, unsure whether I should burden her with my concerns about what was happening with the Aces.
“Callie called me last night, said Grease was heading out with the boys. He told her to tell us so we’d be extra careful the next few days,” she said knowingly. “You talk to Cody?”
“Yeah.” I bit the inside of my cheek. “I figured it was something like that, but he hadn’t told me.”
“Probably didn’t want to worry ya,” she said.
“You’re probably right,” I said, but that didn’t help the hurt feeling in my chest. “Wait, does Callie know I’m pregnant?” My raised voice carried over the field and the deer scampered off into the bushes.
“Hell no! That’s your news to tell, darlin’.”
“Oh, good.” I sighed. “I just think Cody should know first.”
“You tell people as you see fit. Ain’t none of my business,” she assured me with a nod, reaching her hand out as I stood so I could pull her from the chair.
“Do you think the baby’s going to be messed up since I haven’t taken any vitamins or anything?” I asked nervously as we walked into the house.
“Nah, we didn’t take any of that crap and my boys were just fine. ’Course, back then we smoked too. No, she’ll be fine.” She patted me on the shoulder. “Lily’ll get you some vitamins when she goes to the store.”
“You think it’s a girl?” I asked curiously.
“Yeah, I’ve got a feeling.” She started taking things out for breakfast, slamming around the kitchen until Lily stumbled into the room.
“What’s all that racket?” she yelled over the noise, her hair sticking up in fifty different directions.
“Time for your lazy ass to wake up,” Gram informed her with a mischievous smile.
“Shit, a woman needs her beauty sleep!” she retorted before turning to me. “How you doing, sweet cheeks?”
“I’m okay. Wigging out a little, but okay.”
“You should go on up and go through the green trunk in the attic while we make some brunch,” she said, patting my belly as she passed. “Pretty sure that’s the trunk with my old maternity clothes in it.”
“No shit? Wait, you have kids?”
“Had two, a girl and a boy, both gone now,” she answered stiffly. “You’ll probably find something in there that you can use. Go to town.”
