Craving Absolution
Page 73
My little circle had grown once again over the last few months, the members and their wives slowly but surely connecting with me like they should have in the beginning. It was odd, and I wasn’t completely comfortable with it, but I kind of liked it too. It was like a big family, a completely dysfunctional and awkward one.
“Sure,” I replied to Slider, glancing up to Cody for affirmation.
“Yeah, man, come on in.”
“How you feelin’?” Slider asked as he made his way farther into the room.
“Okay. Tired.”
“I bet.” He limped nervously toward the bed, trying to hide his unease. The man everyone else feared was uncomfortable around me, and it was just the slightest bit endearing.
“Damn, she doesn’t look nothin’ like you,” he said honestly, immediately snapping his mouth closed in embarrassment.
Cody laughed.
“Nope. Thanks for pointing that out,” I answered dryly.
“Fuck.” He hissed through his teeth, rubbing a hand over his beard.
“It’s fine,” I reassured him. “Want to hold her?”
“Uh, no. I better not.” He raised his hands out as if holding me off. “You hold her.”
“Aw, come on. You’re her grandpa,” I said in a wheedling tone.
I don’t know if it was the drugs they’d given me or the endorphins still flowing through me, but suddenly and without any warning, I realized that I loved Slider. Maybe not the way I’d love a parent—not the way I loved Gram—but maybe like I’d love a distant uncle. One that I knew loved me, but I didn’t feel quite comfortable with.
“Her grandpa?” he questioned, his body freezing.
“Uh . . .” I looked to Cody, who was watching me with an amused smile. “Well, yeah. Aren’t you? I mean—”
“I can be her grandpa,” Slider assured me quickly. “Sure. Yeah.”
We watched each other in uncomfortable silence until Cody lifted the baby gently from my arms and climbed off the bed. He walked around to Slider, and without any warning laid her against Slider’s chest, forcing him to wrap his hands around her little body.
“Whoa,” Slider mumbled, looking into her face in awe. “She’s small. Really small. They check her out and everything?”
“You wouldn’t think she was small if you’d just pushed her out.” I’d been joking, then realized he was deadly serious. “No, yeah, she’s fine,” I assured him. “They said everything looked good. She’s not even that small for a newborn.”
“Good,” he replied with a nod. “You were bald too. Natasha tell you that?”
“No.” I cleared my throat as an emotion I couldn’t name hit me. “No, she didn’t talk to me about stuff like that.”
“Ah, well, she didn’t really see you much when you were this little.” His comment did nothing to help the knot in my throat. I gripped Cody’s hand as he sat back down beside me, and he leaned over to kiss the side of my still sweaty head.
“You were bald,” Slider told me again. “And you were tiny. Too tiny. But it didn’t take you long to catch up where you were supposed to be. Probably because you never fuckin’ slept, always eatin’.”
He glanced up to gauge my reaction, and whatever he saw on my face made him continue. “You were a pain in the ass,” he told me with a smile. “Always wantin’ to be held, refused to sleep, hated havin’ your diaper changed. Always needin’ somethin’, swear to Christ, I didn’t fuck Vera for months.” His cheeks turned ruddy as he realized what he’d just said.
“Great.” Cody huffed, and I elbowed him in the side as Slider scowled.
“You were lighter than this,” Slider continued, ignoring Cody. “Your skin was so pale, I could see all the tiny little veins in your head. Freaked me out, but Vera said it was normal.”
“Is she here?” I asked.
“Yeah, she’s been waitin’, pacin’ the floors,” he answered with a smile. “I know you don’t know her, don’t feel like she’s your parent, and that’s fine. We understand it. But Vera, well, she’s always considered you hers.”
I took a minute to digest his words, running over in my mind the months that I’d barely seen her, the times when I’d needed her but wouldn’t have let her near me if she’d tried. I wondered how that felt—knowing that the child you’d loved all their life didn’t want you anywhere near them—and I came to a decision.
“You can go get her if you want,” I said quietly, the words tasting weird on my tongue. “Wait, you can’t take the baby out with you!”
“Oh shit, right,” he answered, walking back to hand her to me. “I’ll be right back, she’ll be pleased as fuck. I’ll be right back.” His words were rambling and fast, and I felt my stomach jump as he leaned down and kissed my forehead before leaving the room.
I’d felt that stomach jolt only once before, when Slider had kissed the back of my head after slaying my demons a few years ago. I hadn’t liked the feeling then. My skin had felt too small for my body, crawling and itching until he’d walked away. But the sensation felt different sitting in that hospital with my daughter snuggled up close to my body. It felt . . . almost comforting.
“How about Cecilia?” I asked Cody abruptly.
“Sure,” I replied to Slider, glancing up to Cody for affirmation.
“Yeah, man, come on in.”
“How you feelin’?” Slider asked as he made his way farther into the room.
“Okay. Tired.”
“I bet.” He limped nervously toward the bed, trying to hide his unease. The man everyone else feared was uncomfortable around me, and it was just the slightest bit endearing.
“Damn, she doesn’t look nothin’ like you,” he said honestly, immediately snapping his mouth closed in embarrassment.
Cody laughed.
“Nope. Thanks for pointing that out,” I answered dryly.
“Fuck.” He hissed through his teeth, rubbing a hand over his beard.
“It’s fine,” I reassured him. “Want to hold her?”
“Uh, no. I better not.” He raised his hands out as if holding me off. “You hold her.”
“Aw, come on. You’re her grandpa,” I said in a wheedling tone.
I don’t know if it was the drugs they’d given me or the endorphins still flowing through me, but suddenly and without any warning, I realized that I loved Slider. Maybe not the way I’d love a parent—not the way I loved Gram—but maybe like I’d love a distant uncle. One that I knew loved me, but I didn’t feel quite comfortable with.
“Her grandpa?” he questioned, his body freezing.
“Uh . . .” I looked to Cody, who was watching me with an amused smile. “Well, yeah. Aren’t you? I mean—”
“I can be her grandpa,” Slider assured me quickly. “Sure. Yeah.”
We watched each other in uncomfortable silence until Cody lifted the baby gently from my arms and climbed off the bed. He walked around to Slider, and without any warning laid her against Slider’s chest, forcing him to wrap his hands around her little body.
“Whoa,” Slider mumbled, looking into her face in awe. “She’s small. Really small. They check her out and everything?”
“You wouldn’t think she was small if you’d just pushed her out.” I’d been joking, then realized he was deadly serious. “No, yeah, she’s fine,” I assured him. “They said everything looked good. She’s not even that small for a newborn.”
“Good,” he replied with a nod. “You were bald too. Natasha tell you that?”
“No.” I cleared my throat as an emotion I couldn’t name hit me. “No, she didn’t talk to me about stuff like that.”
“Ah, well, she didn’t really see you much when you were this little.” His comment did nothing to help the knot in my throat. I gripped Cody’s hand as he sat back down beside me, and he leaned over to kiss the side of my still sweaty head.
“You were bald,” Slider told me again. “And you were tiny. Too tiny. But it didn’t take you long to catch up where you were supposed to be. Probably because you never fuckin’ slept, always eatin’.”
He glanced up to gauge my reaction, and whatever he saw on my face made him continue. “You were a pain in the ass,” he told me with a smile. “Always wantin’ to be held, refused to sleep, hated havin’ your diaper changed. Always needin’ somethin’, swear to Christ, I didn’t fuck Vera for months.” His cheeks turned ruddy as he realized what he’d just said.
“Great.” Cody huffed, and I elbowed him in the side as Slider scowled.
“You were lighter than this,” Slider continued, ignoring Cody. “Your skin was so pale, I could see all the tiny little veins in your head. Freaked me out, but Vera said it was normal.”
“Is she here?” I asked.
“Yeah, she’s been waitin’, pacin’ the floors,” he answered with a smile. “I know you don’t know her, don’t feel like she’s your parent, and that’s fine. We understand it. But Vera, well, she’s always considered you hers.”
I took a minute to digest his words, running over in my mind the months that I’d barely seen her, the times when I’d needed her but wouldn’t have let her near me if she’d tried. I wondered how that felt—knowing that the child you’d loved all their life didn’t want you anywhere near them—and I came to a decision.
“You can go get her if you want,” I said quietly, the words tasting weird on my tongue. “Wait, you can’t take the baby out with you!”
“Oh shit, right,” he answered, walking back to hand her to me. “I’ll be right back, she’ll be pleased as fuck. I’ll be right back.” His words were rambling and fast, and I felt my stomach jump as he leaned down and kissed my forehead before leaving the room.
I’d felt that stomach jolt only once before, when Slider had kissed the back of my head after slaying my demons a few years ago. I hadn’t liked the feeling then. My skin had felt too small for my body, crawling and itching until he’d walked away. But the sensation felt different sitting in that hospital with my daughter snuggled up close to my body. It felt . . . almost comforting.
“How about Cecilia?” I asked Cody abruptly.
