Craving Constellations
Page 10
As long as I could remember, Pop had carried around little ropes of licorice, and I hoped that little habit hadn’t changed. Licorice was Trix’s favorite. I loved it that she shared that with Pop, and I’d been giving them to her since she could chew them. When we were away, it made me feel like they had a connection somehow even though I’d never expected for them to meet.
“Well, now, I do believe I have a piece here somewhere…” he muttered, patting his pockets as if searching.
I could tell that Trix was trying to work up the courage to say something. Her little body was wiggling in anticipation as she sat at my side. Finally, Pop grabbed a piece of candy off the top of his nightstand and looked expectantly at Trix.
“Hi, Gramps,” she said quietly and then held out her hand, waiting for her treat.
“Well, there you go, pretty girl. You want another, you’re going to have to get out from under your ma’s arm there. Ya can’t be getting the sheets all messy, or I’ll be sticking to them for a month!” he exclaimed with raised eyebrows.
Trix giggled softly next to me. It was my absolute favorite sound in the world, and I could tell Pop was thrilled he was wearing her down. Trix was funny. She had always been very shy around people she didn’t know until I gave her the all clear. Once that happened, she warmed up to them pretty quickly. Her trust in me was absolute, and after the week we’d had, I wondered if her trust was misplaced. It had always been harder for her to warm up to men for obvious reasons, but the fact that I was so comfortable with Pop must have made her feel secure. She had surprised me with Dragon though. I was definitely not comfortable around him. However, since they walked in and he put her down, she’d been glancing his way as if waiting for him to speak. I couldn’t even wrap my head around the fact that she had been clinging to him like a damn spider monkey when they walked in.
After a few minutes of talking to each other, Pop and Trix decided it was time to go get a soda and find something to do outside.
“Give your mum a kiss there, Trix, and we’ll go find ya something to play with. Your mum needs to rest.”
Panicked, I looked at Pop, trying to find a reason for them to stay with me. I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but Pop stopped me with one look. Shit. He wasn’t going to let me put this off. I realized then that Pop had said Trix was “out with the boys” earlier, but she had really been outside with Dragon. He had lied, and I knew there had to be a reason. He knew. I thought I’d have more time to prepare myself—to prepare Pop—and then ease my way into telling him. He must have been pissed when he realized. Screwing a member’s daughter was one of the worst things a brother could do, right behind being a rat and screwing their old lady. It was an issue of respect. You didn’t touch something that didn’t belong to you. Dragon was in huge shit, and I’d just put him there. Well, to be honest, I’d put him there five years ago.
Once Trix and Pop left the room, the silence was deafening. I wasn’t sure what to say without sounding like a complete idiot, so I just kept quiet. However, the longer I stayed quiet, the more oppressive the quiet became. I looked anywhere but at the man standing inside the doorway. I was hoping if I just ignored him, he’d go away, and I wouldn’t have to deal with anything yet. When he finally spoke, I jumped in surprise and clenched my teeth.
“She’s mine?” His voice was low and guttural.
“She…” I whispered then cleared my throat. Then, I cleared it again. Why couldn’t I just say it? “She’s…yes, she’s yours.”
We both knew the answer before I said it. It was obvious by looking at her, but when he heard my confirmation, he lost it. He swung around and punched right through the drywall next to the doorway. He punched it twice more before turning back around. Then, he stalked toward me. I had never been afraid of him even though I knew the life he’d lived. This club was my home, and anything that happened behind the barbed wire fences was familiar. Violence was a way of life here, but it wasn’t the out of control madness I had been living with. It was passionate, not methodical, and always, always under control. It was a violence that I understood. Only the strong survived here, survival of the fittest. That was why when he grabbed me by the throat and pushed me against the headboard, I just swallowed nervously and waited.
“You fuckin’ cunt! You come back here, shaking your college ass, begging for a fuck. You don’t tell me who the fuck you are. So, I wake up the next morning to find you out with your fuckin’ daddy, who happens to be my vice president. That shit is so fucked. It might as well be a death sentence, and you fuckin’ knew it. But as scared as I am, I’m willing to fuckin’ lay it all out. Make you my old lady. Make it right. All of a sudden though, you’re fuckin’ gone. You just leave without one fuckin’ word to me. I’m left here, holding my dick and thanking fuckin’ Christ that I didn’t say anything to Poet. Fuckin’ gone for five years. No one hears from you. Now, you come back, and I find out you had my daughter and didn’t tell me FOR FIVE FUCKIN’ YEARS?” His voice was steadily rising, and by the time he finished, he was roaring in my face.
“Some other guy has been playing Daddy to my daughter?”
I could feel my pulse pounding under his fingers where his hand had slowly tightened. In all my years growing up surrounded by badass bikers, I’d never seen anyone so angry. Tears were silently rolling down my face. I knew why he was so angry. I knew, and I had always known what I’d done when I left. He’d never had a family until the club, and when I left him, I’d left him not only on shaky ground with the only family he had, but I’d also taken his unborn child with me. It was an unforgivable sin, and in that moment, I was completely ashamed.
“Well, now, I do believe I have a piece here somewhere…” he muttered, patting his pockets as if searching.
I could tell that Trix was trying to work up the courage to say something. Her little body was wiggling in anticipation as she sat at my side. Finally, Pop grabbed a piece of candy off the top of his nightstand and looked expectantly at Trix.
“Hi, Gramps,” she said quietly and then held out her hand, waiting for her treat.
“Well, there you go, pretty girl. You want another, you’re going to have to get out from under your ma’s arm there. Ya can’t be getting the sheets all messy, or I’ll be sticking to them for a month!” he exclaimed with raised eyebrows.
Trix giggled softly next to me. It was my absolute favorite sound in the world, and I could tell Pop was thrilled he was wearing her down. Trix was funny. She had always been very shy around people she didn’t know until I gave her the all clear. Once that happened, she warmed up to them pretty quickly. Her trust in me was absolute, and after the week we’d had, I wondered if her trust was misplaced. It had always been harder for her to warm up to men for obvious reasons, but the fact that I was so comfortable with Pop must have made her feel secure. She had surprised me with Dragon though. I was definitely not comfortable around him. However, since they walked in and he put her down, she’d been glancing his way as if waiting for him to speak. I couldn’t even wrap my head around the fact that she had been clinging to him like a damn spider monkey when they walked in.
After a few minutes of talking to each other, Pop and Trix decided it was time to go get a soda and find something to do outside.
“Give your mum a kiss there, Trix, and we’ll go find ya something to play with. Your mum needs to rest.”
Panicked, I looked at Pop, trying to find a reason for them to stay with me. I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but Pop stopped me with one look. Shit. He wasn’t going to let me put this off. I realized then that Pop had said Trix was “out with the boys” earlier, but she had really been outside with Dragon. He had lied, and I knew there had to be a reason. He knew. I thought I’d have more time to prepare myself—to prepare Pop—and then ease my way into telling him. He must have been pissed when he realized. Screwing a member’s daughter was one of the worst things a brother could do, right behind being a rat and screwing their old lady. It was an issue of respect. You didn’t touch something that didn’t belong to you. Dragon was in huge shit, and I’d just put him there. Well, to be honest, I’d put him there five years ago.
Once Trix and Pop left the room, the silence was deafening. I wasn’t sure what to say without sounding like a complete idiot, so I just kept quiet. However, the longer I stayed quiet, the more oppressive the quiet became. I looked anywhere but at the man standing inside the doorway. I was hoping if I just ignored him, he’d go away, and I wouldn’t have to deal with anything yet. When he finally spoke, I jumped in surprise and clenched my teeth.
“She’s mine?” His voice was low and guttural.
“She…” I whispered then cleared my throat. Then, I cleared it again. Why couldn’t I just say it? “She’s…yes, she’s yours.”
We both knew the answer before I said it. It was obvious by looking at her, but when he heard my confirmation, he lost it. He swung around and punched right through the drywall next to the doorway. He punched it twice more before turning back around. Then, he stalked toward me. I had never been afraid of him even though I knew the life he’d lived. This club was my home, and anything that happened behind the barbed wire fences was familiar. Violence was a way of life here, but it wasn’t the out of control madness I had been living with. It was passionate, not methodical, and always, always under control. It was a violence that I understood. Only the strong survived here, survival of the fittest. That was why when he grabbed me by the throat and pushed me against the headboard, I just swallowed nervously and waited.
“You fuckin’ cunt! You come back here, shaking your college ass, begging for a fuck. You don’t tell me who the fuck you are. So, I wake up the next morning to find you out with your fuckin’ daddy, who happens to be my vice president. That shit is so fucked. It might as well be a death sentence, and you fuckin’ knew it. But as scared as I am, I’m willing to fuckin’ lay it all out. Make you my old lady. Make it right. All of a sudden though, you’re fuckin’ gone. You just leave without one fuckin’ word to me. I’m left here, holding my dick and thanking fuckin’ Christ that I didn’t say anything to Poet. Fuckin’ gone for five years. No one hears from you. Now, you come back, and I find out you had my daughter and didn’t tell me FOR FIVE FUCKIN’ YEARS?” His voice was steadily rising, and by the time he finished, he was roaring in my face.
“Some other guy has been playing Daddy to my daughter?”
I could feel my pulse pounding under his fingers where his hand had slowly tightened. In all my years growing up surrounded by badass bikers, I’d never seen anyone so angry. Tears were silently rolling down my face. I knew why he was so angry. I knew, and I had always known what I’d done when I left. He’d never had a family until the club, and when I left him, I’d left him not only on shaky ground with the only family he had, but I’d also taken his unborn child with me. It was an unforgivable sin, and in that moment, I was completely ashamed.
