Craving Constellations
Page 38
I looked like Tony’s Brenna, but I felt like Dragon’s as I snuggled up next to him and pulled the comforter around us. I let my mind wander back to our night, the night before my life started a downward spiral that took five years to escape from.
I hadn’t been a virgin when we met. I’d been with two other guys before Dragon. The first was a guy I’d met during my freshman year at U of O. He was sweet and charming and absolute crap in bed. I didn’t think it was his fault; neither of us had any clue what we were doing, and it ended up being awkward and fumbling and uncomfortable. We ended up deciding to be friends, but I rarely saw him after we did the deed. I thought we were both too embarrassed to ever look each other in the eye again.
Tony was the second guy I’d slept with. He knew what he was doing. He was smooth and knew all of the buttons to push, so I always came. I always came even if I wasn’t in the mood or wasn’t having a good time. At the time, I figured it was a good thing. He must be really good in bed if he could always get me to orgasm, right? It wasn’t until I was with Dragon that I noticed what was wrong with that scenario. Yes, Tony could get me off, but the chemistry just wasn’t there. My heart didn’t race, my breathing didn’t grow rapid, and I didn’t feel the need to claw, moan, or grab his ass with both hands and pull him into me as hard as I could.
When I’d met Dragon, I was having a shitty week. My grades were in the gutter, I’d had to buy all new tires for my Bug, which cut way into my savings, and I’d come home to whine to Pop about it, but I couldn’t because he was out on a run with the boys. I was pissy and feeling sorry for myself by the time I made the rounds to all the old ladies and went out to sit on the hood of my car. I hadn’t wanted to drive back to school that night, so I was debating my options of staying the night at Vera and Slider’s or crashing in Pop’s room at the club.
I’d had no idea that my sleeping arrangement would change with the arrival of a tall, dimpled, Native American guy with tattoos on his knuckles and bleary drunken eyes. He was beautiful. I knew guys weren’t supposed to be considered beautiful—they were handsome, hot, or cute. But this guy couldn’t be described as cute or handsome, and hot just wasn’t a big enough word for him. His face was scruffy with a full beard that was trimmed close to his jaw, and his hair was pulled back in a ponytail with strands hanging down on each side of his face.
When he walked up to me and grabbed a hold of my thighs, I knew he didn’t know who I was. I could tell by the newness of his cut that he hadn’t heard about me yet, or he wouldn’t have been hitting on me. I protested a little at first, but when he rubbed his beard up the side of my neck, I was done for. I would have done anything he wanted. I’d been in a weird place, upset about my grades, disappointed that I’d missed Pop, and he made me forget about everything. I wanted him with no regard for the future or worry for him. What I’d agreed to could have killed him, and lying beside him now reminded me of how thoughtless and immature I’d been then. I hadn’t given him a chance to make a better decision or change his mind. I hadn’t told him who I was.
We didn’t just have sex that night. We had a lot of sex—really good, mind-blowing sex—but that wasn’t all that happened. We talked about everything and nothing. He didn’t say much, so maybe it would be more appropriate to say that I talked. I told him about school and about astronomy. Looking at the stars had always been my thing when I was growing up. My mom had died when I was small, and because my pop told me she was in heaven, I’d always had a fascination with the sky. As I grew older and went to school, the clouds and the sun were explained pretty clearly, but the stars were still a mystery. They became a mystery I was determined to solve. I told him about my favorite constellations and the brightest stars in the sky. At one point, I grabbed a Sharpie off his cluttered bedside table and drew the dragon constellation, Draco, across his chest, complete with a full explanation of the constellation. Then, he made me draw my favorite constellation, Orion, next to it.
I went into the thing with Dragon looking for a little escape from reality, and I’d gotten way more than I bargained for. He wasn’t charming like Tony. He didn’t tell me sweet things. He was gruff and rude, and the things he said to me made me blush. But the way he looked at me was different from the way any other man had ever looked at me. It was like he was memorizing my face. At times, he looked like he thought I was the funniest girl he’d ever met, and other times, he looked like he wanted to eat me for dinner. He’d listened to me chatter, and he’d acted like whatever I was saying was the most interesting thing he’d ever heard.
I knew I was in deep. I hadn’t wanted to leave him. I’d been determined to stay as long as I could in his little bedroom in the compound, hiding however I could, so I could stay with him. Unfortunately, Pop had gotten home early. Dragon hadn’t said anything about forever. He hadn’t tried to make plans or even asked me where I was living. So, when Pop asked me what I was doing there, I told him I’d stayed the night in his room, but I had to get back to school.
I was afraid that if Pop looked too closely he could see what I was hiding, and a little too late, I’d worried about what would happen to Dragon if anyone found out about us. I’d left Dragon asleep in his bed, and I’d headed back to school. I planned on going back as soon as I could to explain, but a couple weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. By that time, I’d convinced myself that Dragon hadn’t been as great as I remembered and that he’d only been looking for a one-night stand. So, I married Tony, and I never went back.
I hadn’t been a virgin when we met. I’d been with two other guys before Dragon. The first was a guy I’d met during my freshman year at U of O. He was sweet and charming and absolute crap in bed. I didn’t think it was his fault; neither of us had any clue what we were doing, and it ended up being awkward and fumbling and uncomfortable. We ended up deciding to be friends, but I rarely saw him after we did the deed. I thought we were both too embarrassed to ever look each other in the eye again.
Tony was the second guy I’d slept with. He knew what he was doing. He was smooth and knew all of the buttons to push, so I always came. I always came even if I wasn’t in the mood or wasn’t having a good time. At the time, I figured it was a good thing. He must be really good in bed if he could always get me to orgasm, right? It wasn’t until I was with Dragon that I noticed what was wrong with that scenario. Yes, Tony could get me off, but the chemistry just wasn’t there. My heart didn’t race, my breathing didn’t grow rapid, and I didn’t feel the need to claw, moan, or grab his ass with both hands and pull him into me as hard as I could.
When I’d met Dragon, I was having a shitty week. My grades were in the gutter, I’d had to buy all new tires for my Bug, which cut way into my savings, and I’d come home to whine to Pop about it, but I couldn’t because he was out on a run with the boys. I was pissy and feeling sorry for myself by the time I made the rounds to all the old ladies and went out to sit on the hood of my car. I hadn’t wanted to drive back to school that night, so I was debating my options of staying the night at Vera and Slider’s or crashing in Pop’s room at the club.
I’d had no idea that my sleeping arrangement would change with the arrival of a tall, dimpled, Native American guy with tattoos on his knuckles and bleary drunken eyes. He was beautiful. I knew guys weren’t supposed to be considered beautiful—they were handsome, hot, or cute. But this guy couldn’t be described as cute or handsome, and hot just wasn’t a big enough word for him. His face was scruffy with a full beard that was trimmed close to his jaw, and his hair was pulled back in a ponytail with strands hanging down on each side of his face.
When he walked up to me and grabbed a hold of my thighs, I knew he didn’t know who I was. I could tell by the newness of his cut that he hadn’t heard about me yet, or he wouldn’t have been hitting on me. I protested a little at first, but when he rubbed his beard up the side of my neck, I was done for. I would have done anything he wanted. I’d been in a weird place, upset about my grades, disappointed that I’d missed Pop, and he made me forget about everything. I wanted him with no regard for the future or worry for him. What I’d agreed to could have killed him, and lying beside him now reminded me of how thoughtless and immature I’d been then. I hadn’t given him a chance to make a better decision or change his mind. I hadn’t told him who I was.
We didn’t just have sex that night. We had a lot of sex—really good, mind-blowing sex—but that wasn’t all that happened. We talked about everything and nothing. He didn’t say much, so maybe it would be more appropriate to say that I talked. I told him about school and about astronomy. Looking at the stars had always been my thing when I was growing up. My mom had died when I was small, and because my pop told me she was in heaven, I’d always had a fascination with the sky. As I grew older and went to school, the clouds and the sun were explained pretty clearly, but the stars were still a mystery. They became a mystery I was determined to solve. I told him about my favorite constellations and the brightest stars in the sky. At one point, I grabbed a Sharpie off his cluttered bedside table and drew the dragon constellation, Draco, across his chest, complete with a full explanation of the constellation. Then, he made me draw my favorite constellation, Orion, next to it.
I went into the thing with Dragon looking for a little escape from reality, and I’d gotten way more than I bargained for. He wasn’t charming like Tony. He didn’t tell me sweet things. He was gruff and rude, and the things he said to me made me blush. But the way he looked at me was different from the way any other man had ever looked at me. It was like he was memorizing my face. At times, he looked like he thought I was the funniest girl he’d ever met, and other times, he looked like he wanted to eat me for dinner. He’d listened to me chatter, and he’d acted like whatever I was saying was the most interesting thing he’d ever heard.
I knew I was in deep. I hadn’t wanted to leave him. I’d been determined to stay as long as I could in his little bedroom in the compound, hiding however I could, so I could stay with him. Unfortunately, Pop had gotten home early. Dragon hadn’t said anything about forever. He hadn’t tried to make plans or even asked me where I was living. So, when Pop asked me what I was doing there, I told him I’d stayed the night in his room, but I had to get back to school.
I was afraid that if Pop looked too closely he could see what I was hiding, and a little too late, I’d worried about what would happen to Dragon if anyone found out about us. I’d left Dragon asleep in his bed, and I’d headed back to school. I planned on going back as soon as I could to explain, but a couple weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. By that time, I’d convinced myself that Dragon hadn’t been as great as I remembered and that he’d only been looking for a one-night stand. So, I married Tony, and I never went back.
