Craving Constellations
Page 48
I hadn’t told him about how scared I was when they loaded me into the ambulance, when they moved around me using medical terms I’d never heard, but instinctually, I knew they were bad. I hadn’t told him how when we’d reached the hospital, I’d told them Tony’s phone number, so they could call him, but he never came. I’d been out of my mind with fear when they took me directly to the labor and delivery floor instead of keeping me in the emergency room.
I hadn’t told him that my doctor was the only person in the sea of faces I’d known. I’d used her as a talisman as they’d stripped me down and got me ready for a C-section. I’d stared at her mouth as she spoke to me, but I hadn’t heard a word she’d said, and eventually, they put a mask over my face, and I didn’t see anything more.
I hadn’t told him how I’d begged and pleaded with the nurses to go see my children on a different floor of the hospital, how they’d told me I had to wait. I didn’t explain my escape from the labor and delivery floor to the upstairs nursery. The nurses had eventually given up on trying to keep me in bed, and after that first trip, I’d had a nice orderly who came to my room with a wheelchair whenever I’d asked, day or night.
I hadn’t had a chance to explain how alike our children were or how terrified I was for both of them. That when I’d looked at them I couldn’t see any difference in the frailty of their bodies even though I knew Trix was thriving and Draco was not. About how I’d only held him twice, and each time a nurse said he had to go back in his bed, I’d plotted murder. I didn’t have a chance to explain how thin their skin had been, how tiny their ears and fingernails. How Trix’s eyes had looked brown from the very beginning, but Draco’s were that slate blue color that eventually turned into something else.
I hadn’t had a chance to explain how badly I’d wanted my pop. How I’d never let myself cry until that final day because I knew once I started I wouldn’t be able to stop. I hadn’t had a chance to tell him that Tony visited me only once in the hospital. Me—not the kids. And
I’d never forgiven him. I hadn’t told him how badly I’d needed him. How I’d wanted him to show up without me having to call him. How I’d waffled back and forth about calling him and eventually came to this conclusion: I’d never see him again. He would never know that he had any children. He would never know the absolute gut-wrenching, chest-hollowing, full-body grief that I would feel. He would never feel it. As much as I needed him, as much as I wanted him to come and save us, I had to give him the peace of never knowing. So, that was what I did.
When I heard someone come in the front door, I didn’t have it in me to get up off the floor. I hoped Vera wouldn’t just let Trix barge in here if they were back. Dragon must have called her earlier, or she would have been here hours ago.
I heard the thick stomp of motorcycle boots coming toward me, and I didn’t care. I was done. I had nothing left to give.
“Brenna, what the fuck happened?” Casper asked me as I looked up into his pretty blue eyes. He crouched down beside me and slid his arms under my body, lifting me gently. “Grease! Get in here,” he called toward the living room as he walked back that way.
I’d known Grease for a very long time. He was a partner in crime when I was a kid. Though, once he started being interested in girls, that all changed. But I knew him. To his bones, I knew him. Though I hadn’t seen him in five years, I knew the look on his face when he caught a glimpse of mine—fury.
“Give her to me, brother,” he rumbled as he took me away from poor Casper.
The kid was probably wondering what the hell was going on.
“Call Poet and Vera and get ’em over here.”
“I’m okay,” I whispered as he sat me at the kitchen table and tilted my chin up.
“Baby, you’re not okay. You got one hell of a shiner. I’ll get some ice for it,” he told me as he kissed the top of my head and headed to the fridge.
I was freezing. The comforter was still wrapped around me, but I couldn’t get warm even though I could feel the sweat sticking my hair to the back of my neck. I wasn’t looking forward to having the frozen peas he pulled out of the freezer anywhere near me.
“You gonna tell me what happened? Like to know why I’m killing a man,” he told me as he sat in a chair, facing me. His knees surrounded mine as he reached up and held the peas wrapped in a kitchen towel against my face.
“Don’t do anything. This is between him and me. It’s none of your business.”
“You think I’m gonna let this go? Fuck that. You got bruises anywhere else?” he asked me as he tried to unwrap the blanket.
“Quit it! No, I don’t have bruises anywhere else. For God’s sake, he smacked me once. That’s it! Then, he took off.” I pulled the comforter back around my shoulders.
“The fuck happened, Brenna? Dragon’s been walking on fuckin’ clouds the last couple of days even though he just got the shit kicked out of him less than a week ago. I was assuming that was your doin’. But now…” He shook his head.
“Is Casper calling my pop and Vera?” At his nod, I nodded back. “I think we better wait until they get here before I explain. I’m not doing it more than once.”
I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I was so exhausted that I didn’t know how much longer I could stay upright at the kitchen table. I made Grease follow me into the living room, but even though there was room on the couch for both of us, he dragged a kitchen chair with him and swung it around to straddle it backward.
I hadn’t told him that my doctor was the only person in the sea of faces I’d known. I’d used her as a talisman as they’d stripped me down and got me ready for a C-section. I’d stared at her mouth as she spoke to me, but I hadn’t heard a word she’d said, and eventually, they put a mask over my face, and I didn’t see anything more.
I hadn’t told him how I’d begged and pleaded with the nurses to go see my children on a different floor of the hospital, how they’d told me I had to wait. I didn’t explain my escape from the labor and delivery floor to the upstairs nursery. The nurses had eventually given up on trying to keep me in bed, and after that first trip, I’d had a nice orderly who came to my room with a wheelchair whenever I’d asked, day or night.
I hadn’t had a chance to explain how alike our children were or how terrified I was for both of them. That when I’d looked at them I couldn’t see any difference in the frailty of their bodies even though I knew Trix was thriving and Draco was not. About how I’d only held him twice, and each time a nurse said he had to go back in his bed, I’d plotted murder. I didn’t have a chance to explain how thin their skin had been, how tiny their ears and fingernails. How Trix’s eyes had looked brown from the very beginning, but Draco’s were that slate blue color that eventually turned into something else.
I hadn’t had a chance to explain how badly I’d wanted my pop. How I’d never let myself cry until that final day because I knew once I started I wouldn’t be able to stop. I hadn’t had a chance to tell him that Tony visited me only once in the hospital. Me—not the kids. And
I’d never forgiven him. I hadn’t told him how badly I’d needed him. How I’d wanted him to show up without me having to call him. How I’d waffled back and forth about calling him and eventually came to this conclusion: I’d never see him again. He would never know that he had any children. He would never know the absolute gut-wrenching, chest-hollowing, full-body grief that I would feel. He would never feel it. As much as I needed him, as much as I wanted him to come and save us, I had to give him the peace of never knowing. So, that was what I did.
When I heard someone come in the front door, I didn’t have it in me to get up off the floor. I hoped Vera wouldn’t just let Trix barge in here if they were back. Dragon must have called her earlier, or she would have been here hours ago.
I heard the thick stomp of motorcycle boots coming toward me, and I didn’t care. I was done. I had nothing left to give.
“Brenna, what the fuck happened?” Casper asked me as I looked up into his pretty blue eyes. He crouched down beside me and slid his arms under my body, lifting me gently. “Grease! Get in here,” he called toward the living room as he walked back that way.
I’d known Grease for a very long time. He was a partner in crime when I was a kid. Though, once he started being interested in girls, that all changed. But I knew him. To his bones, I knew him. Though I hadn’t seen him in five years, I knew the look on his face when he caught a glimpse of mine—fury.
“Give her to me, brother,” he rumbled as he took me away from poor Casper.
The kid was probably wondering what the hell was going on.
“Call Poet and Vera and get ’em over here.”
“I’m okay,” I whispered as he sat me at the kitchen table and tilted my chin up.
“Baby, you’re not okay. You got one hell of a shiner. I’ll get some ice for it,” he told me as he kissed the top of my head and headed to the fridge.
I was freezing. The comforter was still wrapped around me, but I couldn’t get warm even though I could feel the sweat sticking my hair to the back of my neck. I wasn’t looking forward to having the frozen peas he pulled out of the freezer anywhere near me.
“You gonna tell me what happened? Like to know why I’m killing a man,” he told me as he sat in a chair, facing me. His knees surrounded mine as he reached up and held the peas wrapped in a kitchen towel against my face.
“Don’t do anything. This is between him and me. It’s none of your business.”
“You think I’m gonna let this go? Fuck that. You got bruises anywhere else?” he asked me as he tried to unwrap the blanket.
“Quit it! No, I don’t have bruises anywhere else. For God’s sake, he smacked me once. That’s it! Then, he took off.” I pulled the comforter back around my shoulders.
“The fuck happened, Brenna? Dragon’s been walking on fuckin’ clouds the last couple of days even though he just got the shit kicked out of him less than a week ago. I was assuming that was your doin’. But now…” He shook his head.
“Is Casper calling my pop and Vera?” At his nod, I nodded back. “I think we better wait until they get here before I explain. I’m not doing it more than once.”
I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I was so exhausted that I didn’t know how much longer I could stay upright at the kitchen table. I made Grease follow me into the living room, but even though there was room on the couch for both of us, he dragged a kitchen chair with him and swung it around to straddle it backward.
