Craving Constellations
Page 58
When I realized that this was where we were supposed to be, I felt a peace that I’d never felt before. Everything became simpler. The obsessive compulsive cleaning jags stopped almost completely, and dishes in the sink became just dishes in the sink, not a mountain I had to climb at the first possible instant. I was feeling comfortable in my skin again, free to be myself, the self I’d lost so long ago.
Dragon noticed the change in me, and it changed the way he acted toward me in simple ways. He pushed me. He teased me, knowing I wouldn’t burst into tears at some perceived slight. We fought. He didn’t hold back when he was pissed, and for once, I didn’t either. We never crossed any lines, emotional or physical, but we fought, balls-to-the-wall arguments, which usually turned into the best sex we’d ever had.
Dragon became messier, and it was then I knew that he’d been on his best behavior before. He left shit all over the house that I’d find throughout the day—socks by the couch, a grease rag hanging on the back of a kitchen chair. He wasn’t tiptoeing around the house anymore; he was leaving his mark, mostly in the form of dirty laundry. All of his furniture was still in the apartment he’d shared with Kendra, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want any of that stuff in my house. The thought of sitting on a couch they’d had sex on made my stomach turn. So, we made a home with the hand-me-downs and castoffs we’d accumulated, and I loved it.
Life was good.
Until it wasn’t.
Dragon left early in the morning on the Friday after the barbeque. It wasn’t normal for him to leave before the sun came up, but it wasn’t abnormal either. I stayed in bed with Trix, snuggling up close next to her, her breath hot on the side of my neck. These were some of my favorite mornings, the ones where I was just barely awake as Dragon kissed me slow and deep before he said good-bye. It left me in a half-dreamlike state where everything felt cozy and warm. I relished the feeling of kissing my man good-bye as I cuddled our baby close. I fell back asleep not long after I heard Casper pull up, the roar of Dragon’s retreating bike fading in my ears.
My phone woke both Trix and me up at eight that morning, making me groan in frustration, as she jumped out of bed to grab it.
“Hi, Papa!” she answered and then paused for a moment. “Nope, we were sleepin’. Mama’s still layin’ in bed. She looks mad!” She giggled for a minute and then handed the phone to me.
I’d noticed that she started using Dragon’s mannerisms the week before, dropping her Gs and gesturing with her hands as she spoke. She’d never before been so animated.
“Hey, babe,” I mumbled into the phone as I watched Trix bounce out of the bedroom.
“Hey, baby. Sorry I woke you up.” I could hear the laughter in his voice.
“It’s not funny! Someone kept me up late last night.”
“Yeah, and you loved it,” he answered me. “Got the results back this morning.”
I sat straight up in bed, his news waking me up instantly. “What does that mean? I mean, I know what it means, but what do we do now?”
“Well, we do nothin’. We wait to hear from the lawyers. But I’d feel better if you and Trix got up and got dressed,” he informed me, sounding distracted.
“What’s going on? Why do we need to get dressed?” I asked, climbing out of bed to follow his directions even though I didn’t understand why I was doing it.
“The douche just got papers in black and white that say Trix isn’t his to fuck with. He knew it, but now, the courts know it. Man’s like a cornered animal now, yeah? I’d feel better if you two were awake and dressed. That’s all I’m sayin’.” The tone of his voice never changed, but it was almost as if I could feel the tightness of his body from across the phone.
“All right. I’m getting dressed now. I’ll go help Trix in a minute. Are you at the clubhouse? Should we come over there?” I asked, beginning to feel a sense of urgency that I didn’t understand but didn’t fight.
“Yeah, baby. Do that. I’m here. No need to worry,” he soothed. “Everything’s fine. You’re fine. If I thought you weren’t, I’d be there. Casper’s out front. Let him know when you’re heading over. Okay, Mama?”
Mama was a new endearment he’d started using last week, and every time I heard it, my stomach filled with butterflies.
“Okay,” I told him quietly as I pulled my jeans up my legs.
“You take that test before you leave. No more puttin’ it off. I wanna know what it says when you get over here,” he told me before he hung up.
Last week, I’d noticed that I hadn’t had my period since the first week I’d been at the club. It hadn’t concerned me for a while because the thing came and went with no rhyme or reason. But by last week, my boobs had started magically growing, and I’d seemed to be popping out of my bras. When I told Dragon, he’d given me a small smile and then dragged Trix and me into town. We grabbed a pregnancy test at the drug store that day, but I’d been putting off knowing for sure until this mess with Trix was finished. I didn’t want anything else clouding my head, and I was sort of hoping that all of our good news could come at once—after the stress was gone. Obviously, Dragon had a different opinion, and my reprieve was over.
While Trix played quietly in her room, I went in the bathroom to take the test. Morning pee was apparently the best, and I’d been jumping around while getting Trix her breakfast, trying to hold it, until I had a minute to get to the bathroom. I took it and set it on the edge of the tub, pulling my hair into a ponytail and brushing my teeth while I waited. The sense of urgency that had plagued me during my conversation with Dragon never left, and I found myself pacing the bathroom. Two steps forward and two steps back—there wasn’t much room to lose my mind in the tiny room. I finally decided to dress Trix before I came back to check, and I left the bathroom, shutting the door behind me as I went.
Dragon noticed the change in me, and it changed the way he acted toward me in simple ways. He pushed me. He teased me, knowing I wouldn’t burst into tears at some perceived slight. We fought. He didn’t hold back when he was pissed, and for once, I didn’t either. We never crossed any lines, emotional or physical, but we fought, balls-to-the-wall arguments, which usually turned into the best sex we’d ever had.
Dragon became messier, and it was then I knew that he’d been on his best behavior before. He left shit all over the house that I’d find throughout the day—socks by the couch, a grease rag hanging on the back of a kitchen chair. He wasn’t tiptoeing around the house anymore; he was leaving his mark, mostly in the form of dirty laundry. All of his furniture was still in the apartment he’d shared with Kendra, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want any of that stuff in my house. The thought of sitting on a couch they’d had sex on made my stomach turn. So, we made a home with the hand-me-downs and castoffs we’d accumulated, and I loved it.
Life was good.
Until it wasn’t.
Dragon left early in the morning on the Friday after the barbeque. It wasn’t normal for him to leave before the sun came up, but it wasn’t abnormal either. I stayed in bed with Trix, snuggling up close next to her, her breath hot on the side of my neck. These were some of my favorite mornings, the ones where I was just barely awake as Dragon kissed me slow and deep before he said good-bye. It left me in a half-dreamlike state where everything felt cozy and warm. I relished the feeling of kissing my man good-bye as I cuddled our baby close. I fell back asleep not long after I heard Casper pull up, the roar of Dragon’s retreating bike fading in my ears.
My phone woke both Trix and me up at eight that morning, making me groan in frustration, as she jumped out of bed to grab it.
“Hi, Papa!” she answered and then paused for a moment. “Nope, we were sleepin’. Mama’s still layin’ in bed. She looks mad!” She giggled for a minute and then handed the phone to me.
I’d noticed that she started using Dragon’s mannerisms the week before, dropping her Gs and gesturing with her hands as she spoke. She’d never before been so animated.
“Hey, babe,” I mumbled into the phone as I watched Trix bounce out of the bedroom.
“Hey, baby. Sorry I woke you up.” I could hear the laughter in his voice.
“It’s not funny! Someone kept me up late last night.”
“Yeah, and you loved it,” he answered me. “Got the results back this morning.”
I sat straight up in bed, his news waking me up instantly. “What does that mean? I mean, I know what it means, but what do we do now?”
“Well, we do nothin’. We wait to hear from the lawyers. But I’d feel better if you and Trix got up and got dressed,” he informed me, sounding distracted.
“What’s going on? Why do we need to get dressed?” I asked, climbing out of bed to follow his directions even though I didn’t understand why I was doing it.
“The douche just got papers in black and white that say Trix isn’t his to fuck with. He knew it, but now, the courts know it. Man’s like a cornered animal now, yeah? I’d feel better if you two were awake and dressed. That’s all I’m sayin’.” The tone of his voice never changed, but it was almost as if I could feel the tightness of his body from across the phone.
“All right. I’m getting dressed now. I’ll go help Trix in a minute. Are you at the clubhouse? Should we come over there?” I asked, beginning to feel a sense of urgency that I didn’t understand but didn’t fight.
“Yeah, baby. Do that. I’m here. No need to worry,” he soothed. “Everything’s fine. You’re fine. If I thought you weren’t, I’d be there. Casper’s out front. Let him know when you’re heading over. Okay, Mama?”
Mama was a new endearment he’d started using last week, and every time I heard it, my stomach filled with butterflies.
“Okay,” I told him quietly as I pulled my jeans up my legs.
“You take that test before you leave. No more puttin’ it off. I wanna know what it says when you get over here,” he told me before he hung up.
Last week, I’d noticed that I hadn’t had my period since the first week I’d been at the club. It hadn’t concerned me for a while because the thing came and went with no rhyme or reason. But by last week, my boobs had started magically growing, and I’d seemed to be popping out of my bras. When I told Dragon, he’d given me a small smile and then dragged Trix and me into town. We grabbed a pregnancy test at the drug store that day, but I’d been putting off knowing for sure until this mess with Trix was finished. I didn’t want anything else clouding my head, and I was sort of hoping that all of our good news could come at once—after the stress was gone. Obviously, Dragon had a different opinion, and my reprieve was over.
While Trix played quietly in her room, I went in the bathroom to take the test. Morning pee was apparently the best, and I’d been jumping around while getting Trix her breakfast, trying to hold it, until I had a minute to get to the bathroom. I took it and set it on the edge of the tub, pulling my hair into a ponytail and brushing my teeth while I waited. The sense of urgency that had plagued me during my conversation with Dragon never left, and I found myself pacing the bathroom. Two steps forward and two steps back—there wasn’t much room to lose my mind in the tiny room. I finally decided to dress Trix before I came back to check, and I left the bathroom, shutting the door behind me as I went.
