Crimson Death
Page 94
“I can’t change the fact that I’m only nineteen, or that you’re twelve years older than I am.”
“I know that,” I said.
“Do you?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Then why do you punish me for it?”
“I don’t punish you for it.”
“Even I’m going to agree with the kid on this one, Anita,” Nicky said.
I glared at him. “I thought you were designed to keep me happy, especially with you. Just so we’re clear, this is not me being happy with you.”
He looked at me. “I’m supposed to help keep you happy.”
“That would be my point.”
“When you’re not all weird about Sin, he’s part of what keeps you happy. Do you know why he was with me when they gave me Jean-Claude’s message?”
It felt like Nicky had changed topics, but I said, “Of course I don’t know that. Are you changing topics?”
“Sin and I were talking about what he’ll be making for dinner since Nathaniel will be in Ireland tonight and he’s the main cook for our poly group. Sin thought that through and came to me with a plan.”
I looked from one to the other of them. “That’s great,” I said.
“Sin and I sous chef for Nathaniel most of the time, or cook some of the dishes.”
“I know that.”
“Then why do you seem so surprised that we’re talking about meal planning while Nathaniel is out of town?”
“I guess we’re taking most of the people you cook for.”
“It’s our night at the Jefferson County house with Zeke, Gina, and Chance. They’ll be expecting us and we always cook when we’re there.”
I was embarrassed to have forgotten all about the little family that was now spending more time in my house than I was. “I wouldn’t have even thought to phone them. I’m sorry.”
“We have it covered, Anita, but we have it covered because I’m getting on the plane along with Nathaniel.”
“I’m sorry, Sin. I didn’t even think about the fact that Nathaniel does most of the cooking and meal planning.”
“Nathaniel and Nicky both told me as soon as they found out so I could start planning. Nathaniel seems a little caught up with Damian, so Nicky’s been helping me plan.”
“But I didn’t tell you, which was shitty of me.”
He nodded, shrugged, and then said, “Shitty will about cover it, yeah.”
“Sin and I started out talking meals, but he had a new idea that was more about the personal stuff.”
“Do I want to know?” I asked.
“I think it explains some things,” Nicky said.
I took a deep breath, let it out slow, and looked at Sin. “Okay, I’m listening.”
“We are listening,” Jean-Claude said.
Sin swallowed and suddenly looked younger than nineteen, almost as young as the teenager I’d first met. “We all share each other’s emotions, thoughts, feelings. I know that how we met and the age difference bother Anita, but I wondered if maybe the fact that Jean-Claude has kept me at arm’s length emotionally is impacting how she feels about me.”
“What are you saying?” I asked.
“Jean-Claude works really hard to be a good guardian for me. He’s started calling me nephew as my nickname to emphasize that I’m not his boyfriend, or boy toy, or sexual anything. I appreciate the effort he’s made, but what if his working so hard to keep me in the ‘child’ box, the ‘son’ box, has made it harder for you to feel romantically toward me?”
I shook my head. “I came into our relationship having these issues, before Jean-Claude ever met you.”
“We were both pretty traumatized by the Mother of All Darkness, Anita.”
“You didn’t seem traumatized. You seemed . . . besotted with me,” I said.
“You were the first sex I’d ever had. That can be pretty overwhelming.”
I thought about the discovery, just minutes before, of Asher being Jean-Claude’s first male lover. It explained so much about why he’d put up with so much bad behavior from Asher for so long.
“You’re saying that the ‘oh boy it’s sex’ made you seem less traumatized to me.”
“Something like that.”
I looked at Jean-Claude. “Could Sin be right? Could your trying so hard to keep him in the ‘child/nephew’ box impact how I feel about him?”
“Perhaps.”
Nicky asked, “How does it make you feel when you catch some of Anita’s sexual attraction to Sin?”
Jean-Claude had gone very still, his face an almost unreadable mask, beautiful to look at it, but distant. He was trying very hard not to share anything he was feeling or thinking. “I distance myself from it when she is feeling amorous toward our young prince.”
“Sin’s right: You have started calling him the young prince or nephew, all terms to help remind you that he’s so young and that you think of him as a younger relative, so the incest taboo attaches to him.”
“You know, this much therapy is really not making me want to feed the ardeur on anyone, right now,” I said.
“You must feed before you get on the plane, ma petite. Your fear of flying could weaken your control over it, and that would be regrettable in the airplane.”
I stared at him. “How regrettable?” I asked.
“If you lost control completely, the pilot could be involved, and how regrettable would depend on where in the flight you were when it happened, ma petite.”
I swallowed but seemed to have a lump in my throat that wouldn’t go down. I had to cough to clear it.
“You’re actually pale,” Sin said.
“I don’t like to fly,” I said.
“You’re afraid to fly,” Nicky said.
“Stop helping me,” I said.
He smiled, but it was gentle. “I am trying to help you.”
I looked into that one clear blue eye and held my hand out to him. “I know you are.”
He came and took my hand in his. “You are Jean-Claude’s human servant, Anita. That means his attitudes and emotions affect you.”
“Our moods can affect each other,” I said.
He squeezed my hand and said, “Then maybe Sin is right.”
“I know that,” I said.
“Do you?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Then why do you punish me for it?”
“I don’t punish you for it.”
“Even I’m going to agree with the kid on this one, Anita,” Nicky said.
I glared at him. “I thought you were designed to keep me happy, especially with you. Just so we’re clear, this is not me being happy with you.”
He looked at me. “I’m supposed to help keep you happy.”
“That would be my point.”
“When you’re not all weird about Sin, he’s part of what keeps you happy. Do you know why he was with me when they gave me Jean-Claude’s message?”
It felt like Nicky had changed topics, but I said, “Of course I don’t know that. Are you changing topics?”
“Sin and I were talking about what he’ll be making for dinner since Nathaniel will be in Ireland tonight and he’s the main cook for our poly group. Sin thought that through and came to me with a plan.”
I looked from one to the other of them. “That’s great,” I said.
“Sin and I sous chef for Nathaniel most of the time, or cook some of the dishes.”
“I know that.”
“Then why do you seem so surprised that we’re talking about meal planning while Nathaniel is out of town?”
“I guess we’re taking most of the people you cook for.”
“It’s our night at the Jefferson County house with Zeke, Gina, and Chance. They’ll be expecting us and we always cook when we’re there.”
I was embarrassed to have forgotten all about the little family that was now spending more time in my house than I was. “I wouldn’t have even thought to phone them. I’m sorry.”
“We have it covered, Anita, but we have it covered because I’m getting on the plane along with Nathaniel.”
“I’m sorry, Sin. I didn’t even think about the fact that Nathaniel does most of the cooking and meal planning.”
“Nathaniel and Nicky both told me as soon as they found out so I could start planning. Nathaniel seems a little caught up with Damian, so Nicky’s been helping me plan.”
“But I didn’t tell you, which was shitty of me.”
He nodded, shrugged, and then said, “Shitty will about cover it, yeah.”
“Sin and I started out talking meals, but he had a new idea that was more about the personal stuff.”
“Do I want to know?” I asked.
“I think it explains some things,” Nicky said.
I took a deep breath, let it out slow, and looked at Sin. “Okay, I’m listening.”
“We are listening,” Jean-Claude said.
Sin swallowed and suddenly looked younger than nineteen, almost as young as the teenager I’d first met. “We all share each other’s emotions, thoughts, feelings. I know that how we met and the age difference bother Anita, but I wondered if maybe the fact that Jean-Claude has kept me at arm’s length emotionally is impacting how she feels about me.”
“What are you saying?” I asked.
“Jean-Claude works really hard to be a good guardian for me. He’s started calling me nephew as my nickname to emphasize that I’m not his boyfriend, or boy toy, or sexual anything. I appreciate the effort he’s made, but what if his working so hard to keep me in the ‘child’ box, the ‘son’ box, has made it harder for you to feel romantically toward me?”
I shook my head. “I came into our relationship having these issues, before Jean-Claude ever met you.”
“We were both pretty traumatized by the Mother of All Darkness, Anita.”
“You didn’t seem traumatized. You seemed . . . besotted with me,” I said.
“You were the first sex I’d ever had. That can be pretty overwhelming.”
I thought about the discovery, just minutes before, of Asher being Jean-Claude’s first male lover. It explained so much about why he’d put up with so much bad behavior from Asher for so long.
“You’re saying that the ‘oh boy it’s sex’ made you seem less traumatized to me.”
“Something like that.”
I looked at Jean-Claude. “Could Sin be right? Could your trying so hard to keep him in the ‘child/nephew’ box impact how I feel about him?”
“Perhaps.”
Nicky asked, “How does it make you feel when you catch some of Anita’s sexual attraction to Sin?”
Jean-Claude had gone very still, his face an almost unreadable mask, beautiful to look at it, but distant. He was trying very hard not to share anything he was feeling or thinking. “I distance myself from it when she is feeling amorous toward our young prince.”
“Sin’s right: You have started calling him the young prince or nephew, all terms to help remind you that he’s so young and that you think of him as a younger relative, so the incest taboo attaches to him.”
“You know, this much therapy is really not making me want to feed the ardeur on anyone, right now,” I said.
“You must feed before you get on the plane, ma petite. Your fear of flying could weaken your control over it, and that would be regrettable in the airplane.”
I stared at him. “How regrettable?” I asked.
“If you lost control completely, the pilot could be involved, and how regrettable would depend on where in the flight you were when it happened, ma petite.”
I swallowed but seemed to have a lump in my throat that wouldn’t go down. I had to cough to clear it.
“You’re actually pale,” Sin said.
“I don’t like to fly,” I said.
“You’re afraid to fly,” Nicky said.
“Stop helping me,” I said.
He smiled, but it was gentle. “I am trying to help you.”
I looked into that one clear blue eye and held my hand out to him. “I know you are.”
He came and took my hand in his. “You are Jean-Claude’s human servant, Anita. That means his attitudes and emotions affect you.”
“Our moods can affect each other,” I said.
He squeezed my hand and said, “Then maybe Sin is right.”
