Cut Wide Open
Page 6
I look at you like you hung the moon, because in my world, you do. You’re it for me, and have been since I was eight years old.
Part Two
Chapter One Charlie
I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I hadn't seen Gunner for a week. He hadn't been home. He hadn't picked me up from school. We slept together and then poof; nothing. I had seen bikes at his place when we returned that day. I watched through my window as Gunner looked back at my house a few times, and then he was gone. I felt horrible. I didn’t know where he was or how to reach him. I missed him and it was like all of the loneliness that I had before was only intensified. Once you know what it feels like to be loved, it only hurts more when it’s gone.
A month passed and then another. His mom hadn't been to his house either and a fearful part of me wondered if I’d ever see him again.
I threw up today in Home Economics. The smell of grated cheese made me immediately sick. I couldn't even make it to the bathroom. I was grateful there was a sink nearby, but nonetheless, I felt horrible.
Everything seemed to be making me sick lately. I was sent to the nurse's office, where they called Mitchell to come and get me. He didn’t answer, so they called Claire. I’d rather deal with Mitchell than Claire. She dragged her hungover ass into the school and gave me a death glare when she saw me laying down in the office. I watched her stumble a bit when she signed me out, I wondered if anyone else would pick up on the fact that she was probably still drunk.
I got into the car with her, cringing at the overwhelming smell of smoke. Her blonde hair was brittle and her skin looked older than she actually was. “You gonna get sick again?” Her voice was raspy from years of smoking making her sound a lot like Marge Simpson’s sister.
“No, it was the strangest thing. One minute I felt fine, and the next minute, I felt so nauseous. But I’m feeling much better.”
“Fuck, you ‘ain't pregnant, is you?” she spoke in broken English and it made her seem all the more ignorant to me.
My eyes bulged and I feared that it was a real possibility. “Nnn...o,” I stuttered.
Claire looked at me as we pulled into the driveway. I must have looked guilty. How could I be pregnant? It was only the one time, and I didn't think you could get pregnant on your first time. That’s what I overheard Misty Wellington telling Izzy in the bathroom anyways, but what if they were wrong? I felt like the world was spinning around me.
“You dumb little shit. You got yourself knocked up, didn't you? Go to your room.”
I got out of the car and did like she said. I was shocked, but deep down I thought that she was right. It fit with everything I’d ever heard about being pregnant. Holy shit. I was sixteen and pregnant. I just became a reality show on MTV.
I stared out the window through the dirt stained glass and wished Gunner was there. I wondered why he left me and what I was going to do. All of his promises seemed broken. I needed him and he was gone. I berated myself for needing him. It wasn't his fault, it was mine. I should’ve known that I’d be alone again. I should’ve expected it.
I heard the door slam as Mitchell entered the house. There was arguing and more door slamming. Mitchell yelled, “We wouldn't even need her here, if you would just lay off the fucking booze.”
I had heard it before. I was only a way for her to get more booze. You’d think that the money she got for me wouldn’t even be worth it, but she was a master at working the system and getting as many things for free as she could. Because she had me she got almost double in food stamps and just about every other benefit gave her extras because of me.
I didn’t have many things. My clothes were hand-me-downs or things I had gotten when it was Christmas time and the United Way threw their annual event that helped clothe foster kids.
I stayed in my room as they argued. It was so drab in here. My blanket was covered in holes, but it didn’t bother me. It was the same one I had since I was eight years old. I pulled it up tightly over my head. I felt lost. Gunner was gone and I was most likely having his baby. I had no idea what I’d do.
My door opened and Mitchell shoved a brown paper bag at me. “Take this,” I’ll be waiting by the door.
I walked into the bathroom and opened the bag. The paper crinkled as it moved and I found a pregnancy test. I sat with my pants around my ankles while I read the directions. There was a knock at the door, “C’mon, hurry up.”
“It says it’ll be five minutes.” I moved the stick between my legs as I let the stream coat it. It didn’t even take five minutes. The little window showed double lines almost instantly. Pregnant. I was pregnant.
I didn’t know what to say or do so, I opened the door, handed Mitchell the stick and went to my bed where I threw my blanket over my head and sobbed.
“Fucking shit. You’re fucking right,” Mitchell yelled from the hallway.
I stayed in bed until I fell asleep which took forever since I was scared out of my mind.
The next day I went to school and when I got home there was an unfamiliar white sedan in the driveway. I walked in the door and saw a nicely dressed black woman. She had braids in her hair that were twisted into a bun. She wore an iridescent floral printed blouse with navy colored slacks.
“Hello, Charlotte. I’m Mrs. Jackson. I’ll be your new case worker. Your foster parents contacted me and informed me of your situation.” Her eyes traveled to my stomach and I instantly felt protective. “They’ve packed your bag, but please take a minute and see if we missed anything.” Her tone held finality to it. I knew that the decision was final and that there was no arguing with it. I walked to my room and as I passed the living room I saw Claire and Mitchell starring at the TV. It was like I didn’t exist.
I know there was nothing here of any real value except for the one thing that I couldn’t take with me. I looked at the window that I spent so much time watching Gunner. I wondered why he left me. I wondered what he’d think if he knew I had his baby in my belly. I put my head to the cold glass and closed my eyes, wishing that when I opened them he'd be there staring back at me.
But when I opened my eyes he wasn’t there. I wanted to cry and scream that the only person I’d ever loved left me.
A knock at the door startled me.
Part Two
Chapter One Charlie
I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I hadn't seen Gunner for a week. He hadn't been home. He hadn't picked me up from school. We slept together and then poof; nothing. I had seen bikes at his place when we returned that day. I watched through my window as Gunner looked back at my house a few times, and then he was gone. I felt horrible. I didn’t know where he was or how to reach him. I missed him and it was like all of the loneliness that I had before was only intensified. Once you know what it feels like to be loved, it only hurts more when it’s gone.
A month passed and then another. His mom hadn't been to his house either and a fearful part of me wondered if I’d ever see him again.
I threw up today in Home Economics. The smell of grated cheese made me immediately sick. I couldn't even make it to the bathroom. I was grateful there was a sink nearby, but nonetheless, I felt horrible.
Everything seemed to be making me sick lately. I was sent to the nurse's office, where they called Mitchell to come and get me. He didn’t answer, so they called Claire. I’d rather deal with Mitchell than Claire. She dragged her hungover ass into the school and gave me a death glare when she saw me laying down in the office. I watched her stumble a bit when she signed me out, I wondered if anyone else would pick up on the fact that she was probably still drunk.
I got into the car with her, cringing at the overwhelming smell of smoke. Her blonde hair was brittle and her skin looked older than she actually was. “You gonna get sick again?” Her voice was raspy from years of smoking making her sound a lot like Marge Simpson’s sister.
“No, it was the strangest thing. One minute I felt fine, and the next minute, I felt so nauseous. But I’m feeling much better.”
“Fuck, you ‘ain't pregnant, is you?” she spoke in broken English and it made her seem all the more ignorant to me.
My eyes bulged and I feared that it was a real possibility. “Nnn...o,” I stuttered.
Claire looked at me as we pulled into the driveway. I must have looked guilty. How could I be pregnant? It was only the one time, and I didn't think you could get pregnant on your first time. That’s what I overheard Misty Wellington telling Izzy in the bathroom anyways, but what if they were wrong? I felt like the world was spinning around me.
“You dumb little shit. You got yourself knocked up, didn't you? Go to your room.”
I got out of the car and did like she said. I was shocked, but deep down I thought that she was right. It fit with everything I’d ever heard about being pregnant. Holy shit. I was sixteen and pregnant. I just became a reality show on MTV.
I stared out the window through the dirt stained glass and wished Gunner was there. I wondered why he left me and what I was going to do. All of his promises seemed broken. I needed him and he was gone. I berated myself for needing him. It wasn't his fault, it was mine. I should’ve known that I’d be alone again. I should’ve expected it.
I heard the door slam as Mitchell entered the house. There was arguing and more door slamming. Mitchell yelled, “We wouldn't even need her here, if you would just lay off the fucking booze.”
I had heard it before. I was only a way for her to get more booze. You’d think that the money she got for me wouldn’t even be worth it, but she was a master at working the system and getting as many things for free as she could. Because she had me she got almost double in food stamps and just about every other benefit gave her extras because of me.
I didn’t have many things. My clothes were hand-me-downs or things I had gotten when it was Christmas time and the United Way threw their annual event that helped clothe foster kids.
I stayed in my room as they argued. It was so drab in here. My blanket was covered in holes, but it didn’t bother me. It was the same one I had since I was eight years old. I pulled it up tightly over my head. I felt lost. Gunner was gone and I was most likely having his baby. I had no idea what I’d do.
My door opened and Mitchell shoved a brown paper bag at me. “Take this,” I’ll be waiting by the door.
I walked into the bathroom and opened the bag. The paper crinkled as it moved and I found a pregnancy test. I sat with my pants around my ankles while I read the directions. There was a knock at the door, “C’mon, hurry up.”
“It says it’ll be five minutes.” I moved the stick between my legs as I let the stream coat it. It didn’t even take five minutes. The little window showed double lines almost instantly. Pregnant. I was pregnant.
I didn’t know what to say or do so, I opened the door, handed Mitchell the stick and went to my bed where I threw my blanket over my head and sobbed.
“Fucking shit. You’re fucking right,” Mitchell yelled from the hallway.
I stayed in bed until I fell asleep which took forever since I was scared out of my mind.
The next day I went to school and when I got home there was an unfamiliar white sedan in the driveway. I walked in the door and saw a nicely dressed black woman. She had braids in her hair that were twisted into a bun. She wore an iridescent floral printed blouse with navy colored slacks.
“Hello, Charlotte. I’m Mrs. Jackson. I’ll be your new case worker. Your foster parents contacted me and informed me of your situation.” Her eyes traveled to my stomach and I instantly felt protective. “They’ve packed your bag, but please take a minute and see if we missed anything.” Her tone held finality to it. I knew that the decision was final and that there was no arguing with it. I walked to my room and as I passed the living room I saw Claire and Mitchell starring at the TV. It was like I didn’t exist.
I know there was nothing here of any real value except for the one thing that I couldn’t take with me. I looked at the window that I spent so much time watching Gunner. I wondered why he left me. I wondered what he’d think if he knew I had his baby in my belly. I put my head to the cold glass and closed my eyes, wishing that when I opened them he'd be there staring back at me.
But when I opened my eyes he wasn’t there. I wanted to cry and scream that the only person I’d ever loved left me.
A knock at the door startled me.
