Death's Shadow

Chapter 7 WAKING THE DEAD

 
I trudge up the stairs to the third floor, nervous and hesitant. I don't want to do this. I can't think of anything to say. I wish I'd kept my mouth shut.
Except Meera's right. This is unacceptable. I've been silent too long. The old Bec wouldn't have tolerated such disrespectful treatment. I remember when I addressed the men of my village and insisted they let me go with Goll and the others on their mission to find out where Bran came from. Conn-our king-was against it, but I stood firm. If I can stare down a king and tell him what I think, I can certainly face Dervish.
The door to his study is open. I enter, rapping on the heavy wood as I go in. The room is protected from strangers by spells. Dervish never taught me the spells, but I found them easy to break. I don't have the power I experienced when I first came back to life-the cave was filled with energy which I could tap into-but I'm much more advanced than any present day mage.
Dervish is reading a book about werewolves.
Someone in our family bred with demons many generations ago. As a result, lots of our children transform into savage, mindless beasts who must be executed or caged for life. Various family members have searched for a cure over the centuries. Dervish is the latest, but he's had no more luck than the others.
It's possible I might turn one day, but I think I'll be able to fight it. Grubbs got the better of his wolfen genes. He's part of the Kah-Gash, and the magic of the weapon gave him the power to reject the change. I suspect I have that same power.
Dervish looks up and squints. "Is that what passes for fashion now?"
I touch my face automatically. "Does it look awful?"
"No." He forces a thin smile. "I was only teasing. You look good." It's the first compliment he's ever paid me. The small act of kindness gives me confidence. I walk around the room, studying the books on the shelves and weapons on the wall. I take down a small sword and swing it experimentally.
"Careful," Dervish says. "That's real."
I whirl the sword over my head and chop down an imaginary opponent. I wasn't supposed to practise with swords, but I did when nobody was watching. Satisfied that I haven't lost my touch, I return the sword to its holder.
"Where's Meera?" Dervish asks.
"Downstairs. She went to get something to eat."
"I'll join her. I'm feeling peckish." He stands up and heads for the door.
"No," I stop him. "We have to talk."
"Later," he scowls, waving me away.
I whip the sword off the wall again, take careful aim, then send it flying across the room. It tears through the leather panel on this side of the door and slams it shut. Dervish leaps away, giving a yelp of astonishment. He looks back at me, shocked.
"We. Have. To. Talk."
"Since you put it so politely..." He returns to his chair, eyeing me warily. He glances at the sword buried in the door. Its hilt is still quivering. "Were you sure you wouldn't hit me when you threw that?"
"No," I admit.
"What if you'd struck me?"
I grin tightly. "I'm a healer. I could probably have patched you up."
Dervish strokes his beard, eyes narrow. "What do you want to talk about?"
I stroll to the chair where I usually sit and drag it around to the side of the desk, so I'm closer to Dervish. I hunch forward in the chair, maintaining eye contact. The words come by themselves.
"You never ask about Bill-E's last day or his final thoughts."
Dervish stiffens. "I don't think we need to discuss that."
"Why don't you want to know?" I press.
"Did Meera put you up to this?" he says angrily. "She has no right. It's none of her business."
"No," I agree. "It's our business. And it's time we dealt with it."
"What do you mean?"
"You want all of Bill-E, his life from start to finish, wrapped up neatly like a birthday present. I can't give you that unless I tell you about the end, what he felt in the cave, how he reacted to the news that Grubbs was his brother, that you'd lied to him all those years, that you allowed him to be killed."
"I didn't allow anything!" Dervish shouts. "Grubbs did what he had to. There was no other way. If there had been, do you think I would have let him... do that... to Billy?" He's shaking.
"You're right," I say softly. "It was necessary. Bill-E knew that too. He didn't understand everything about the tunnel and the Demonata, but he saw your pain. He knew you still loved him, that you had no choice. He died without bitterness."
Tears well up in Dervish's eyes. His hands are trembling as he nervously tugs at his beard. "He must have hated me," Dervish moans. "I betrayed him. I didn't tell him when his father died. He believed I was his dad. I should have-"
"He was disappointed," I interrupt. "He wanted you to be his father because he loved you so much. But that disappointment didn't change his love for you. In fact, in the middle of the madness, when he thought Lord Loss was going to slaughter you both, that love grew stronger than ever. He even found time to joke about it, but he couldn't tell you because he was gagged."
"Joke?" Dervish echoes, tears trickling down his cheeks.
"When Lord Loss told him you were only his uncle, he wanted to say, 'Damn! I guess this means Grubbs gets half of your money now!'"
Dervish laughs and sobs at the same time.
"He was afraid," I continue, recalling Bill-E's memories. "But he didn't resent you or Grubbs. He knew you lied because you didn't want to hurt him. He wished you'd been truthful, but he didn't hold your deception against you."
"What about at the very end?" Dervish croaks. His fingers are balled up into fists. "Did he know what Grubbs planned? Did he guess we were going to... kill him?" The final two words emerge as a choked whisper.
"Yes," I say sadly. "Bill-E was no fool. He saw it in your eyes."
"Did he hate us?" Dervish cries.
"No. He blamed Lord Loss and bad luck, not you and Grubbs. In fact..."
"Go on," Dervish says when I pause.
"He was pleased you were there. He was glad he was with the two people he loved most. He didn't want to die a lonely death. He thought there was nothing worse than being alone."
I'm crying as well now. I want to stop. I don't want to hurt Dervish anymore. But I have to say it. I have to make him see.
"I don't want to be alone either," I weep. "I hate it, Dervish. Loneliness is horrible. I had sixteen hundred years alone in the cave. I thought I'd suffer forever, no escape, no company, not even the release of death to look forward to.
"When I finally walked free, I thought I'd never be alone again. But I have been and it's awful, maybe even worse than in the cave. At least there I didn't have any hope. But now that I'm so close to people... yet alone anyway... nobody to talk to or share my feelings with..."
"What do you mean?" Dervish says gruffly. "You have me. We talk together every day."
"No," I sniff. "You talk to Bill-E. You look straight through me. I don't think you even know I'm there most of the time-you just hear Bill-E's voice. You only care about a dead boy. You might as well be one of the dead yourself for all the interest you pay to the living... to me.
I'm crying hard, wiping tears from my face with both hands. Dervish is doing the same, looking at me and really seeing me-me, not a shadow of his dead nephew-for the first time.
"I didn't know," he groans. "I just missed Billy so much. I... I've been stupid and hurtful." He manages a weak, shivering grin. I smile back shakily. He thinks for a moment. Then, looking as awkward as a boy on a first date, he holds out his arms. I don't want to steal memories from him, but I need to be hugged, more than I ever needed a hug before. So I stretch my own arms out in response, my heart hammering with hope and joy.
Before we can embrace, the door to the study crashes open. A wild-eyed Meera bursts into the room. She slips but grabs the handle and keeps her footing "We're under attack!" she screams.
Dervish and I stare at her.
"We're surrounded!" she veils.
Dervish's face clouds over. "Demons?" he growls, stepping out of his seat, fingers bunching into fists.
"No," Meera gasps. A howl fills the corridor behind her. "Werewolves!"