Deep Redemption
Page 102
“Rider . . . baby . . . ” she whispered. Her soft voice was thick with sympathy. It only made the pain worse.
I tried to shake my head to rid myself of the unwanted images, to block the screams from my head. But they didn’t go away. They only got louder. Deafening, racking screams of terror.
I rocked forward, pushing my hands over my ears. The water kept coming in heavy torrents, and so did the memories. Two hands wrapped around my wrists, pulling my hands from my head.
“Bella,” I whispered, my voice cracking with the strain. “I killed him . . . I killed him because he murdered them all.”
Bella nodded her head, inching closer between my legs until her forehead rested against mine. I cried harder as I felt her warmth drift over me, her soft hands brushing through my hair, gliding over my skin. But I couldn’t stop the hurt. I couldn’t stop the pain . . . “Their faces won’t leave my head,” I whispered. I squeezed my eyes shut, but all I saw were the syringes being forced into the children’s mouths. Their trusting, innocent eyes never resisting a thing. I choked on a sob. “Their screams won’t leave me alone.”
I opened my eyes and raised my hands. I could still see the blood. I could see Judah’s blood. “Blood,” I blurted. “Please . . . wash away the blood . . . ”
Bella took hold of my hands. She searched the skin, her fingers running over the thick red fluid pooling in my palm. “Rider,” she whispered. “There is no blood, baby. It has all gone.”
“No,” I argued, holding my hands higher. “It’s still there. I can see it.” I brought my palms to hover in front of her face. “It’s still there . . . my brother’s blood . . . I can see it . . . ”
A strangled sound came from Bella. I stilled and blinked away the water from my eyes. “Bella?” I asked softly. I jerked back my hands as she laid a kiss to my palm. “No!” I shouted, scrambling to my feet. I slipped on the tile and slammed back down to the floor.
“Rider!” Bella pressed her hands on my shoulders to keep me still. My breathing was erratic as I fought to pull in new gulps of air. “Listen to me,” she implored. “Listen to me!” she repeated when I didn’t look up.
When I did, she was right before me. Her face mere inches from mine, her legs straddling my waist. Her eyes were locked on mine. “Baby,” she soothed. “You are seeing things that are not there.” She paused as her words sank in. She laid her hand on my cheek. “You are seeing blood, but it is all gone. I have washed it all away. You are clean. Baby, you are free.”
“I’m not.” I tapped the side of my head. “The screams and the faces . . . they’re trapped in here. I can’t . . . I can’t chase them away.” I laid my head back against the hard tile. “I killed him, Bella . . . I killed him with my bare hands. And I watched his disbelief that I, his brother, could do it . . . he died knowing it was me who sent him to hell.”
Bella didn’t say anything in response. Instead, she reached up and turned off the shower.
She reached for my hand. “Come with me,” she said softly. I wasn’t sure I could move, but as she stood up, the bathroom light flaring behind her like a halo, I knew I would follow her anywhere.
She was a damn angel . . . my fucking angel.
Slipping my hand into Bella’s, I let her guide me to stand. I swayed on my feet, but I pushed forward, following her out of the shower. She took a towel and began drying every inch of my body.
When we were both dry, Bella pulled me from the bathroom to the bed. My legs ached as I lay beside her, staring at her face as she stared into mine.
My gaze drifted down over her breasts, her stomach, her legs. I stilled when I saw the scars on her inner thighs. Nausea built in my throat . . . they were from the Lord’s Sharings . . .
“They are no more,” she said and inched closer to me. “Rider,” she breathed. “There will be no more because of you.”
“But they all died,” I said.
“Because of Judah,” she argued.
I shook my head. “My telling Judah the Hangmen were coming changed his plans. It made him do it, Bella. It made him kill them all. He would rather they all died than be saved. Even when all was lost, Judah somehow found a way to make it worse.” I smothered a cry. “Their faces, Bella . . . they . . . they were so scared . . . ”
“Shh,” she said and she took my lips with her own, her breasts pressing against my chest. I tensed as her lips began to move against mine, but I fell into the kiss as her sweet taste burst on my tongue.
I tried to shake my head to rid myself of the unwanted images, to block the screams from my head. But they didn’t go away. They only got louder. Deafening, racking screams of terror.
I rocked forward, pushing my hands over my ears. The water kept coming in heavy torrents, and so did the memories. Two hands wrapped around my wrists, pulling my hands from my head.
“Bella,” I whispered, my voice cracking with the strain. “I killed him . . . I killed him because he murdered them all.”
Bella nodded her head, inching closer between my legs until her forehead rested against mine. I cried harder as I felt her warmth drift over me, her soft hands brushing through my hair, gliding over my skin. But I couldn’t stop the hurt. I couldn’t stop the pain . . . “Their faces won’t leave my head,” I whispered. I squeezed my eyes shut, but all I saw were the syringes being forced into the children’s mouths. Their trusting, innocent eyes never resisting a thing. I choked on a sob. “Their screams won’t leave me alone.”
I opened my eyes and raised my hands. I could still see the blood. I could see Judah’s blood. “Blood,” I blurted. “Please . . . wash away the blood . . . ”
Bella took hold of my hands. She searched the skin, her fingers running over the thick red fluid pooling in my palm. “Rider,” she whispered. “There is no blood, baby. It has all gone.”
“No,” I argued, holding my hands higher. “It’s still there. I can see it.” I brought my palms to hover in front of her face. “It’s still there . . . my brother’s blood . . . I can see it . . . ”
A strangled sound came from Bella. I stilled and blinked away the water from my eyes. “Bella?” I asked softly. I jerked back my hands as she laid a kiss to my palm. “No!” I shouted, scrambling to my feet. I slipped on the tile and slammed back down to the floor.
“Rider!” Bella pressed her hands on my shoulders to keep me still. My breathing was erratic as I fought to pull in new gulps of air. “Listen to me,” she implored. “Listen to me!” she repeated when I didn’t look up.
When I did, she was right before me. Her face mere inches from mine, her legs straddling my waist. Her eyes were locked on mine. “Baby,” she soothed. “You are seeing things that are not there.” She paused as her words sank in. She laid her hand on my cheek. “You are seeing blood, but it is all gone. I have washed it all away. You are clean. Baby, you are free.”
“I’m not.” I tapped the side of my head. “The screams and the faces . . . they’re trapped in here. I can’t . . . I can’t chase them away.” I laid my head back against the hard tile. “I killed him, Bella . . . I killed him with my bare hands. And I watched his disbelief that I, his brother, could do it . . . he died knowing it was me who sent him to hell.”
Bella didn’t say anything in response. Instead, she reached up and turned off the shower.
She reached for my hand. “Come with me,” she said softly. I wasn’t sure I could move, but as she stood up, the bathroom light flaring behind her like a halo, I knew I would follow her anywhere.
She was a damn angel . . . my fucking angel.
Slipping my hand into Bella’s, I let her guide me to stand. I swayed on my feet, but I pushed forward, following her out of the shower. She took a towel and began drying every inch of my body.
When we were both dry, Bella pulled me from the bathroom to the bed. My legs ached as I lay beside her, staring at her face as she stared into mine.
My gaze drifted down over her breasts, her stomach, her legs. I stilled when I saw the scars on her inner thighs. Nausea built in my throat . . . they were from the Lord’s Sharings . . .
“They are no more,” she said and inched closer to me. “Rider,” she breathed. “There will be no more because of you.”
“But they all died,” I said.
“Because of Judah,” she argued.
I shook my head. “My telling Judah the Hangmen were coming changed his plans. It made him do it, Bella. It made him kill them all. He would rather they all died than be saved. Even when all was lost, Judah somehow found a way to make it worse.” I smothered a cry. “Their faces, Bella . . . they . . . they were so scared . . . ”
“Shh,” she said and she took my lips with her own, her breasts pressing against my chest. I tensed as her lips began to move against mine, but I fell into the kiss as her sweet taste burst on my tongue.
