Deep Redemption
Page 117
He turned his back to me. “I had it once, Rider. Took her for granted like you’re doin’ now with Bella,” he said. “And the stupid fuck that I am, I had no idea what she meant to me until she was dyin’ in my fuckin’ arms, her fadin’ eyes beggin’ me to fuckin’ save her. But I couldn’t, she was done. Now I’d give anythin’ just to have her fuckin’ look at me again. Like Bella looks at you. Just for one more fuckin’ day.”
“Smiler,” I said, “I didn’t know, I—”
“Well now you do. So don’t fuck it up . . . ‘cause then you’ll definitely pray that you’d fuckin’ died in that barn. Life’s real shit when you’re alone. Real fuckin’ shit.” Smiler left the room and shut the door.
I didn’t know how long I stayed just staring after him. I lay back down and thought about everything he’d said. Thought about the last few months. I thought about how I had avoided looking in the mirror.
I was a pussy. A fucking pussy. Because I couldn’t stand seeing Judah in my refection.
I didn’t know how the fuck to move on when literally everything about me reminded me of the person I wanted to forget most.
The sounds of the brothers and their wives or sluts came drifting from the bar. It was family day at the Hangmen. The sound of laughter and loud cheering filled every inch of space. While I was locked away to make sure no fucker touched me.
I closed my eyes, just trying to fucking breathe, when I heard the door click open and close. Annoyed at the unwanted intrusion, I opened my eyes, ready to ask whoever it was to leave. Then I froze.
Mae.
Silence stretched between us as she began walking toward my bed. I watched her the entire way, not knowing what the fuck to say. What was there to say? Guilt and a truckload of embarrassment flooded through me when I thought of what I’d done to her. What I’d put her through . . . the crazy fucking obsession I used to have with her.
Mae sat down on the chair beside my bed and looked straight into my eyes.
“Mae—” I began, but she suddenly held up her hand, cutting me off.
“No. Please, let me speak,” she said softly. I nodded my head. Mae glanced down at her hands on her lap. “Just tell me you love her.” I tensed as those words left her mouth. When I didn’t immediately respond, Mae looked up. “I need to know that you want her, heart and soul. I need to know that you love her completely. Forever. I need to know that she is your everything and always will be.”
My racing heart pumped the blood around my body at a breakneck speed. “Yes.” My voice came out raspy and broken. I cleared my throat, feeling heat flood my cheeks. “I love her more than anything, Mae. You have no idea how much.” I searched my head for the right words “I have waited my entire life to feel whole. I thought it would come with my ascension. Instead it came with her. From the minute I heard her voice . . . I was changed.” I lifted my hand and placed it over my heart. “I would die for her. I would do anything for her. You have my word.”
Mae’s blue eyes shimmered and a small smile pulled on her lips. Unable to leave anything unsaid, I rasped, “Mae.” I shook my head in shame. “What I did to you, how I treated you—”
“It does not matter now,” she interrupted.
“It does,” I argued, then took a deep breath. “I . . . for the longest time, I thought I loved you.” Mae dropped her gaze. “But I know now that I didn’t. Now I have Bella, I understand what love truly is. And it is not what I felt for you.” Guilt and humiliation ran thick in my veins. “You were my friend, and I stupidly threw it away. I’m . . . I’m so embarrassed about how I acted. If I could change it, if I could just go back, I wouldn’t be that way. I wouldn’t—”
Mae’s hand reached out to cover mine on the bed, cutting me off. I inhaled deeply, trying to calm my shot nerves. “Rider. It is done. I can see you have changed. But more than that, I see how you look at Bella. You never looked at me that way, and that is good. It is how it is all meant to be. I see that now.”
The heavy weight on my shoulders began to lighten some. Mae said, “Just promise me you will care for her like no other.” Her hand gripped mine tightly. “She has fought so hard for so long, Rider. From such a young age, she cared for us all. She was our most fierce protector. But it made her tired. So very tired, but she never stopped being there for us, loving us, being the mother we never had.”
My chest ached. I imagined Bella as a child, displaying the same tenacity she had when she protected me from the Hangmen. The thought almost made me break down. A broken laugh spilled from Mae’s lips. “She would tell us of the life we would one day have—free and with men who loved us for us, our souls, not our looks.” Mae wiped away a stray tear. “And she believed it so much, Rider. Then she died, or at least we thought she had died. In the dark of night, here at the compound, I would mourn the life she dreamed for us all, because we all achieved it and she did not. Little did I know that Bella was alive and fighting still—fighting to survive, then returning to New Zion to fight for those who could not fight for themselves.” Mae paused then tipped her head toward me. “And she fought for you. Fought for your life . . . fought so bravely for the man who has stolen her heart.” I swallowed back the lump in my throat. “But now it is time for her fight to end.” Mae took a breath. “It is time for her to lower her shield and finally be happy . . . it is time for her to have peace.”
“Smiler,” I said, “I didn’t know, I—”
“Well now you do. So don’t fuck it up . . . ‘cause then you’ll definitely pray that you’d fuckin’ died in that barn. Life’s real shit when you’re alone. Real fuckin’ shit.” Smiler left the room and shut the door.
I didn’t know how long I stayed just staring after him. I lay back down and thought about everything he’d said. Thought about the last few months. I thought about how I had avoided looking in the mirror.
I was a pussy. A fucking pussy. Because I couldn’t stand seeing Judah in my refection.
I didn’t know how the fuck to move on when literally everything about me reminded me of the person I wanted to forget most.
The sounds of the brothers and their wives or sluts came drifting from the bar. It was family day at the Hangmen. The sound of laughter and loud cheering filled every inch of space. While I was locked away to make sure no fucker touched me.
I closed my eyes, just trying to fucking breathe, when I heard the door click open and close. Annoyed at the unwanted intrusion, I opened my eyes, ready to ask whoever it was to leave. Then I froze.
Mae.
Silence stretched between us as she began walking toward my bed. I watched her the entire way, not knowing what the fuck to say. What was there to say? Guilt and a truckload of embarrassment flooded through me when I thought of what I’d done to her. What I’d put her through . . . the crazy fucking obsession I used to have with her.
Mae sat down on the chair beside my bed and looked straight into my eyes.
“Mae—” I began, but she suddenly held up her hand, cutting me off.
“No. Please, let me speak,” she said softly. I nodded my head. Mae glanced down at her hands on her lap. “Just tell me you love her.” I tensed as those words left her mouth. When I didn’t immediately respond, Mae looked up. “I need to know that you want her, heart and soul. I need to know that you love her completely. Forever. I need to know that she is your everything and always will be.”
My racing heart pumped the blood around my body at a breakneck speed. “Yes.” My voice came out raspy and broken. I cleared my throat, feeling heat flood my cheeks. “I love her more than anything, Mae. You have no idea how much.” I searched my head for the right words “I have waited my entire life to feel whole. I thought it would come with my ascension. Instead it came with her. From the minute I heard her voice . . . I was changed.” I lifted my hand and placed it over my heart. “I would die for her. I would do anything for her. You have my word.”
Mae’s blue eyes shimmered and a small smile pulled on her lips. Unable to leave anything unsaid, I rasped, “Mae.” I shook my head in shame. “What I did to you, how I treated you—”
“It does not matter now,” she interrupted.
“It does,” I argued, then took a deep breath. “I . . . for the longest time, I thought I loved you.” Mae dropped her gaze. “But I know now that I didn’t. Now I have Bella, I understand what love truly is. And it is not what I felt for you.” Guilt and humiliation ran thick in my veins. “You were my friend, and I stupidly threw it away. I’m . . . I’m so embarrassed about how I acted. If I could change it, if I could just go back, I wouldn’t be that way. I wouldn’t—”
Mae’s hand reached out to cover mine on the bed, cutting me off. I inhaled deeply, trying to calm my shot nerves. “Rider. It is done. I can see you have changed. But more than that, I see how you look at Bella. You never looked at me that way, and that is good. It is how it is all meant to be. I see that now.”
The heavy weight on my shoulders began to lighten some. Mae said, “Just promise me you will care for her like no other.” Her hand gripped mine tightly. “She has fought so hard for so long, Rider. From such a young age, she cared for us all. She was our most fierce protector. But it made her tired. So very tired, but she never stopped being there for us, loving us, being the mother we never had.”
My chest ached. I imagined Bella as a child, displaying the same tenacity she had when she protected me from the Hangmen. The thought almost made me break down. A broken laugh spilled from Mae’s lips. “She would tell us of the life we would one day have—free and with men who loved us for us, our souls, not our looks.” Mae wiped away a stray tear. “And she believed it so much, Rider. Then she died, or at least we thought she had died. In the dark of night, here at the compound, I would mourn the life she dreamed for us all, because we all achieved it and she did not. Little did I know that Bella was alive and fighting still—fighting to survive, then returning to New Zion to fight for those who could not fight for themselves.” Mae paused then tipped her head toward me. “And she fought for you. Fought for your life . . . fought so bravely for the man who has stolen her heart.” I swallowed back the lump in my throat. “But now it is time for her fight to end.” Mae took a breath. “It is time for her to lower her shield and finally be happy . . . it is time for her to have peace.”
