Deep Redemption
Page 57
I remembered what that felt like. I was eighteen when Scholar Abraham had taken me out for the very first time, when he was preparing me to go undercover with the Hangmen. I remembered being so overwhelmed by the world outside that I wanted to run back and hide in The Pasture. But little by little I had gotten used to the lights and bustle of the city . . . of the mindless sinners, as I thought of them then.
In fact, the only reason I had adapted to the outside world so well was because I knew it was all damned. I was a saint among the sinners, and I believed that with one hundred percent conviction. As I stared out of the window, I too felt like I was seeing the world with new eyes. This time I was the fucked-up mess. This time I was the evil man who promoted a faith of pedophilia and rape.
I had never felt so disgusted with myself.
So disgusted with everything that I had done in the name of a God I was pretty sure had cast me from his good graces. The more I thought about it, the surer I was that something else held me in its hands. I could practically feel hell’s fire licking at the soles of my feet.
“It is so bright I can barely take it all in,” Harmony said in an awed tone. “Brother Stephen had explained this to me many times, had told me all about the outside world, but hearing of it and seeing it are very different things.” My stomach dropped. At her age, she shouldn’t be just seeing this for the first time. I watched her face and thought of everything Brother Stephen had told me the night I had discovered who they all were.
I couldn’t believe it at first. My mind wouldn’t allow me to believe it. But I knew it was true. I could see it now as I looked at her closely. She was so beautiful, the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
It made total sense.
Releasing Harmony’s hand, I reached over to the glove compartment. As Solomon had promised, there was money, enough to do what we needed, and more if we needed to flee. The defectors from Puerto Rico had thought of everything. They had come to New Zion prepared and ready to succeed.
Harmony watched me in silence. Scanning the area, I recognized where we were. Not too far away from our destination at all. I drove three more miles, turned right and let out a deep breath when I saw the drugstore up ahead. I pulled in to the car park and cut the engine. Harmony’s eyes were still on me. I saw the confusion and fear in her expression. Taking her hand, I pulled her close. “I need to get something from here, okay?”
She looked at the store. “I should wait here?” she said nervously. I nodded and took out a wad of cash from the glove compartment.
“I’ll lock the door,” I said. I had to turn away from her terrified face and leave. The anger that had been so free-flowing in my veins for the past several weeks was back with vengeance. Seeing Harmony force herself to be brave made me lose my damn mind.
I was fucking falling hard.
Remembering the list of things Brother Stephen told me to get, I rushed through the quiet store, ignoring the strange looks I got from the staff. I knew the white tunic would cause some raised eyebrows. But this was Austin. Everything and everyone was weird.
I got out of the store as quickly as I could, throwing the stuff in the bed of the truck. When I got back into the driver’s seat, I leaned over to Harmony. Her face was white, her hands balled into fists in her lap. But she still held a determined look in her eyes.
I knew she would. She seemed wired to be a warrior in any situation.
“You okay, baby?” I kissed her forehead, then pressed a kiss on her lips.
“Yes,” she nodded. I smiled at her strength. Her hand lifted and ran over my cheek. Her eyes traveled over my body. “In this light I can see you properly. Your hair, your brown eyes . . . your groomed beard . . .” Her eyelashes kissed her cheek as she lowered her eyes. When she looked up, all doe eyes staring at me, she added, “You look so very handsome.” I didn’t say shit in response. My throat was closed. “They even covered your deeper bruises.” I rubbed off the powder Sister Ruth had put on my skin.
“The sisters put it on me too,” she said. “I am not used to wearing it on my face.” Harmony naturally was fucking stunning; with makeup enhancing her already flawless features, I was bowled over. There was no question as to why Judah captured her as a Cursed.
She was by far the most beautiful Cursed I had ever seen. Even above Mae. Mae was beautiful, but I knew now that what I had felt for her wasn’t even close to what I felt for Harmony. With Harmony it was more . . . everything. I couldn’t even explain it. She just made me feel centered. Grounded. When I’d been so fucking lost for so long.
In fact, the only reason I had adapted to the outside world so well was because I knew it was all damned. I was a saint among the sinners, and I believed that with one hundred percent conviction. As I stared out of the window, I too felt like I was seeing the world with new eyes. This time I was the fucked-up mess. This time I was the evil man who promoted a faith of pedophilia and rape.
I had never felt so disgusted with myself.
So disgusted with everything that I had done in the name of a God I was pretty sure had cast me from his good graces. The more I thought about it, the surer I was that something else held me in its hands. I could practically feel hell’s fire licking at the soles of my feet.
“It is so bright I can barely take it all in,” Harmony said in an awed tone. “Brother Stephen had explained this to me many times, had told me all about the outside world, but hearing of it and seeing it are very different things.” My stomach dropped. At her age, she shouldn’t be just seeing this for the first time. I watched her face and thought of everything Brother Stephen had told me the night I had discovered who they all were.
I couldn’t believe it at first. My mind wouldn’t allow me to believe it. But I knew it was true. I could see it now as I looked at her closely. She was so beautiful, the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
It made total sense.
Releasing Harmony’s hand, I reached over to the glove compartment. As Solomon had promised, there was money, enough to do what we needed, and more if we needed to flee. The defectors from Puerto Rico had thought of everything. They had come to New Zion prepared and ready to succeed.
Harmony watched me in silence. Scanning the area, I recognized where we were. Not too far away from our destination at all. I drove three more miles, turned right and let out a deep breath when I saw the drugstore up ahead. I pulled in to the car park and cut the engine. Harmony’s eyes were still on me. I saw the confusion and fear in her expression. Taking her hand, I pulled her close. “I need to get something from here, okay?”
She looked at the store. “I should wait here?” she said nervously. I nodded and took out a wad of cash from the glove compartment.
“I’ll lock the door,” I said. I had to turn away from her terrified face and leave. The anger that had been so free-flowing in my veins for the past several weeks was back with vengeance. Seeing Harmony force herself to be brave made me lose my damn mind.
I was fucking falling hard.
Remembering the list of things Brother Stephen told me to get, I rushed through the quiet store, ignoring the strange looks I got from the staff. I knew the white tunic would cause some raised eyebrows. But this was Austin. Everything and everyone was weird.
I got out of the store as quickly as I could, throwing the stuff in the bed of the truck. When I got back into the driver’s seat, I leaned over to Harmony. Her face was white, her hands balled into fists in her lap. But she still held a determined look in her eyes.
I knew she would. She seemed wired to be a warrior in any situation.
“You okay, baby?” I kissed her forehead, then pressed a kiss on her lips.
“Yes,” she nodded. I smiled at her strength. Her hand lifted and ran over my cheek. Her eyes traveled over my body. “In this light I can see you properly. Your hair, your brown eyes . . . your groomed beard . . .” Her eyelashes kissed her cheek as she lowered her eyes. When she looked up, all doe eyes staring at me, she added, “You look so very handsome.” I didn’t say shit in response. My throat was closed. “They even covered your deeper bruises.” I rubbed off the powder Sister Ruth had put on my skin.
“The sisters put it on me too,” she said. “I am not used to wearing it on my face.” Harmony naturally was fucking stunning; with makeup enhancing her already flawless features, I was bowled over. There was no question as to why Judah captured her as a Cursed.
She was by far the most beautiful Cursed I had ever seen. Even above Mae. Mae was beautiful, but I knew now that what I had felt for her wasn’t even close to what I felt for Harmony. With Harmony it was more . . . everything. I couldn’t even explain it. She just made me feel centered. Grounded. When I’d been so fucking lost for so long.
