Deep Redemption
Page 77
Mae sat back in her seat and I saw the discomfort in her worried expression. All the fight drained from my body. I had given him my heart. But he had only wanted Mae.
I removed my hand from under my sisters’ and brought it to my chest. Something inside was aching so much that I feared there was something wrong. “Bella,” Mae said softly.
I shook my head. “No,” I assured her. “I am fine.”
“You love him,” Maddie stated. My shattered heart still managed to pound. I opened my mouth to refute the claim, but my soul would not let me lie.
No. I do not know him . . . I do not love . . .
My shoulders sagged in defeat. I had fallen for a pretender.
Lilah wiped a tear from her face, the movement drawing my attention. She winced, the simple movement of lifting her arm causing her to flinch in pain.
“You are in pain,” I said and pointed to her stomach. Lilah blanched. She had always displayed her every emotion on her face. “Because of Rider,” I said, remembering the accusations her husband had yelled at me. I tried to remember exactly what he had said. My bottom lip trembled. “Rider allowed you to be taken by many men. Hurt and punished . . . it has left you unable to have a child.”
Lilah’s blue eyes closed and she took in a long breath. “I was with child, but I lost it.” Lilah’s lips pressed together and I knew she was fighting to hold back her tears. Maddie and Mae had their eyes cast down at the table. I struggled to cope with all that I was hearing. It never ended. The pain, the loss . . . it was never-ending. There was always more to come.
“I had to have surgery to help correct that,” Lilah said, her voice cracking a little at the end. I reached over the table and threaded my fingers through hers. Lilah cast a small smile at our joined fingers. “They took me. Rider sanctioned the kidnapping, but, Bella . . . ” Lilah paused, looking warily around, as if checking we were still alone. “I believe that Rider tried to stop the punishments. When we spoke, he begged me to comply . . . I believe he wanted to help me.”
I was frozen, unable to move. A shadow crossed Lilah’s face. “It was his brother, Judah, that caused me this pain. He was the master of that plan.”
“Rider told us he did not know this had happened to Lilah,” Mae told me. “He only believed that the Hangmen had come for her and killed his men. He said he did not know what those men had done to Lilah first.”
Silence fell. “And I believed him,” Maddie said.
I turned to my youngest sister. Maddie’s doe eyes were fixed on me, imploring me to listen. “When we were kidnapped, we all thought Rider had organized it.”
“But he had not?” I finished for her, trying to let all of this new information sink in. They had been kidnapped? Hurt?
My sisters . . . no . . .
“He let us go,” Mae added. “He had no knowledge of our capture. I saw it in his eyes, Bella. He no longer wanted us back. Something within him had changed. Gone was the prophet, and returned was a hint of the Rider I had known as a friend.”
My conflicted thoughts and feelings became too much to bear, and I turned my head away. “Bella?” Maddie said, squeezing my hand. “Are you okay?”
I wanted to say yes, but instead I shook my head. Because I was not okay. I was very far from okay. “The man I met in the cell. Rider. He was the kindest, most caring man I have ever encountered. I . . . he helped me. We”—I sucked in a harsh breath and lifted my left hand—“we were married. I . . . we . . . ” I could not divulge the rest. I could not tell my sisters that the man who had caused them such pain was the man who had brought me nothing but healing.
I could not tell them that I had joined with him. And that for once in my life, I had welcomed it . . . it had meant something to me. It had meant everything to me.
But Mae whispered, “The ceremonial joining.” Her blue eyes widened.
“Yes,” I confessed. My hands shook. “I vowed myself to him . . . and he . . . ”
“Was he kind to you?” Lilah asked, concern thick in her tone. “Was he gentle, when he . . . ?”
“Yes,” I said and couldn’t stop a smile creeping onto my lips. “He was perfect.”
“He was pure when I knew him,” Mae told me. “He was saving himself for the Cursed marriage. He told me he never took part in a Lord’s Sharing. He had never had a woman.”
“He still had never.” I swallowed the lump of sadness in my throat. “He was pure. He . . . he has only been with me. I was it for him. And in every way that counts, he was it for me too.” I expelled a mirthless laugh. “I gifted him my trust and heart. I never thought I would ever be able to do that with anyone. But I did with him . . . and now I discover he was not the man I believed him to be.”
I removed my hand from under my sisters’ and brought it to my chest. Something inside was aching so much that I feared there was something wrong. “Bella,” Mae said softly.
I shook my head. “No,” I assured her. “I am fine.”
“You love him,” Maddie stated. My shattered heart still managed to pound. I opened my mouth to refute the claim, but my soul would not let me lie.
No. I do not know him . . . I do not love . . .
My shoulders sagged in defeat. I had fallen for a pretender.
Lilah wiped a tear from her face, the movement drawing my attention. She winced, the simple movement of lifting her arm causing her to flinch in pain.
“You are in pain,” I said and pointed to her stomach. Lilah blanched. She had always displayed her every emotion on her face. “Because of Rider,” I said, remembering the accusations her husband had yelled at me. I tried to remember exactly what he had said. My bottom lip trembled. “Rider allowed you to be taken by many men. Hurt and punished . . . it has left you unable to have a child.”
Lilah’s blue eyes closed and she took in a long breath. “I was with child, but I lost it.” Lilah’s lips pressed together and I knew she was fighting to hold back her tears. Maddie and Mae had their eyes cast down at the table. I struggled to cope with all that I was hearing. It never ended. The pain, the loss . . . it was never-ending. There was always more to come.
“I had to have surgery to help correct that,” Lilah said, her voice cracking a little at the end. I reached over the table and threaded my fingers through hers. Lilah cast a small smile at our joined fingers. “They took me. Rider sanctioned the kidnapping, but, Bella . . . ” Lilah paused, looking warily around, as if checking we were still alone. “I believe that Rider tried to stop the punishments. When we spoke, he begged me to comply . . . I believe he wanted to help me.”
I was frozen, unable to move. A shadow crossed Lilah’s face. “It was his brother, Judah, that caused me this pain. He was the master of that plan.”
“Rider told us he did not know this had happened to Lilah,” Mae told me. “He only believed that the Hangmen had come for her and killed his men. He said he did not know what those men had done to Lilah first.”
Silence fell. “And I believed him,” Maddie said.
I turned to my youngest sister. Maddie’s doe eyes were fixed on me, imploring me to listen. “When we were kidnapped, we all thought Rider had organized it.”
“But he had not?” I finished for her, trying to let all of this new information sink in. They had been kidnapped? Hurt?
My sisters . . . no . . .
“He let us go,” Mae added. “He had no knowledge of our capture. I saw it in his eyes, Bella. He no longer wanted us back. Something within him had changed. Gone was the prophet, and returned was a hint of the Rider I had known as a friend.”
My conflicted thoughts and feelings became too much to bear, and I turned my head away. “Bella?” Maddie said, squeezing my hand. “Are you okay?”
I wanted to say yes, but instead I shook my head. Because I was not okay. I was very far from okay. “The man I met in the cell. Rider. He was the kindest, most caring man I have ever encountered. I . . . he helped me. We”—I sucked in a harsh breath and lifted my left hand—“we were married. I . . . we . . . ” I could not divulge the rest. I could not tell my sisters that the man who had caused them such pain was the man who had brought me nothing but healing.
I could not tell them that I had joined with him. And that for once in my life, I had welcomed it . . . it had meant something to me. It had meant everything to me.
But Mae whispered, “The ceremonial joining.” Her blue eyes widened.
“Yes,” I confessed. My hands shook. “I vowed myself to him . . . and he . . . ”
“Was he kind to you?” Lilah asked, concern thick in her tone. “Was he gentle, when he . . . ?”
“Yes,” I said and couldn’t stop a smile creeping onto my lips. “He was perfect.”
“He was pure when I knew him,” Mae told me. “He was saving himself for the Cursed marriage. He told me he never took part in a Lord’s Sharing. He had never had a woman.”
“He still had never.” I swallowed the lump of sadness in my throat. “He was pure. He . . . he has only been with me. I was it for him. And in every way that counts, he was it for me too.” I expelled a mirthless laugh. “I gifted him my trust and heart. I never thought I would ever be able to do that with anyone. But I did with him . . . and now I discover he was not the man I believed him to be.”
