Deep Redemption
Page 80
I had to get to him.
My hurried steps were accompanied by the sound of night owls hooting and unseen crickets chirping. My breathing came fast and hard as I cut through the dense gathering of leaves. I turned right and stopped dead when I saw an old wooden barn. A dim light came from the cracks between the wood, and I knew that just beyond the door was Rider.
I crept forward. I opened the door with the key Mae had given me and slipped inside, sealing myself in.
Then I turned around . . . and the scene I was met with obliterated whatever was left of my broken heart. Rider was in the center of the room, dirtied by the floor and secured by rusty shackles, long chains coming from the cuffs on his wrists. He was lying down on the dirty ground, his body radiating utter defeat . . . and I felt my soul cry out in sympathy.
Once again he was the prisoner. I realized then that no matter where Rider went, here or the commune, he was always alone. Would always be alone.
He was an eternal outcast. Never belonging in either world that he had walked in.
The pain of that realization robbed me of my breath.
Forcing my feet to move, I silently made my way over to the center of the barn, a single dim, bare bulb spotlighting the man I had given all of myself to. And no matter what I had been told since I had arrived in this strange place, I simply could not believe he was evil. Even though all the evidence pointed that way, I could not make my head nor my heart agree.
He must have sensed my presence, because as I stared down at him, trying my very best to muster the courage to speak, he opened his eyes and looked directly at me. The minute his tired red eyes found mine, an expression of agony settled on his beautiful face. He turned away from me then. I knew it was in shame.
My feet moved closer to him, one step then two, then I lowered myself beside him. I was far enough away that he could not reach me. But from where I sat I could see him clearly. I could see his face with crystal clarity. I had to—I needed to—know the truth.
All of it. Nothing hidden. Everything bared.
I folded my arms over my bent legs and waited for him to face me again. When he did I almost crumbled. Hot tears flooded his eyes and lonely teardrops tracked down his colorless cheeks. A fresh bruise was on his forehead; recent wounds peppered his skin.
He was beaten everywhere he went. Yet he took it all.
He dragged in a long breath and whispered, “Harmony . . . you shouldn’t be here.”
“Bella,” I corrected.
“Bella,” he said softly, almost reverently. “You need to go. Just . . . leave me alone.”
I was not going anywhere.
“You are in love with Mae,” I blurted. Rider’s eyes widened. I had shocked him. I had shocked myself. I had so many questions, yet that was the first my unconscious mind decided to ask. I realized then just how much it had bothered me. Just how much pain the thought brought to my heart.
“No,” Rider finally replied.
“You lie,” I accused. “I have been told everything. Everything you have done. Everything your brother has done . . . how you fought to win Mae’s love.”
Rider’s already pale cheeks turned ashen. The shackles that held him captive rattled as he pushed himself to a sitting position. He faced me. Stared directly into my eyes.
His shoulders slumped. “I thought I loved her. When I was chosen by my uncle to infiltrate these men, I was so out of my element. But I believed in the cause. Bella . . . I believed in our faith so hard I didn’t dispute a single thing I’d been taught in The Pasture.” He shook his head and ran his hand down his face. “When Mae arrived, bleeding out and dying, I figured out who she was pretty quick.” He pointed to the inscription on my wrist. I ran my fingers over the ink that had been forced upon me as a child. “I knew I had to gain her trust to return her to my uncle. And she was the only female I had ever really spoken to. I . . . I think that I wanted her because she was from The Order. I thought that she was just under the influence of the devil.”
He expelled a self-deprecating laugh. “Fucked-up, right? I truly thought that I had to help her soul. I honestly believed I was in love with her, that she was meant for me, and that I could save her. When I ascended, it was my biggest goal: to get her back. To have her by my side. I thought that was what I was meant to make happen. What God expected me to do.”
“What changed?” I found myself asking. A sickened feeling had sprouted in my chest as I listened to him talk of wanting Mae. It was unbearable, yet I could do nothing to chase it away.
Rider’s chest rose and fell as he fought to breathe through whatever he wanted to say next. Then he did, and that feeling in my chest evaporated.
My hurried steps were accompanied by the sound of night owls hooting and unseen crickets chirping. My breathing came fast and hard as I cut through the dense gathering of leaves. I turned right and stopped dead when I saw an old wooden barn. A dim light came from the cracks between the wood, and I knew that just beyond the door was Rider.
I crept forward. I opened the door with the key Mae had given me and slipped inside, sealing myself in.
Then I turned around . . . and the scene I was met with obliterated whatever was left of my broken heart. Rider was in the center of the room, dirtied by the floor and secured by rusty shackles, long chains coming from the cuffs on his wrists. He was lying down on the dirty ground, his body radiating utter defeat . . . and I felt my soul cry out in sympathy.
Once again he was the prisoner. I realized then that no matter where Rider went, here or the commune, he was always alone. Would always be alone.
He was an eternal outcast. Never belonging in either world that he had walked in.
The pain of that realization robbed me of my breath.
Forcing my feet to move, I silently made my way over to the center of the barn, a single dim, bare bulb spotlighting the man I had given all of myself to. And no matter what I had been told since I had arrived in this strange place, I simply could not believe he was evil. Even though all the evidence pointed that way, I could not make my head nor my heart agree.
He must have sensed my presence, because as I stared down at him, trying my very best to muster the courage to speak, he opened his eyes and looked directly at me. The minute his tired red eyes found mine, an expression of agony settled on his beautiful face. He turned away from me then. I knew it was in shame.
My feet moved closer to him, one step then two, then I lowered myself beside him. I was far enough away that he could not reach me. But from where I sat I could see him clearly. I could see his face with crystal clarity. I had to—I needed to—know the truth.
All of it. Nothing hidden. Everything bared.
I folded my arms over my bent legs and waited for him to face me again. When he did I almost crumbled. Hot tears flooded his eyes and lonely teardrops tracked down his colorless cheeks. A fresh bruise was on his forehead; recent wounds peppered his skin.
He was beaten everywhere he went. Yet he took it all.
He dragged in a long breath and whispered, “Harmony . . . you shouldn’t be here.”
“Bella,” I corrected.
“Bella,” he said softly, almost reverently. “You need to go. Just . . . leave me alone.”
I was not going anywhere.
“You are in love with Mae,” I blurted. Rider’s eyes widened. I had shocked him. I had shocked myself. I had so many questions, yet that was the first my unconscious mind decided to ask. I realized then just how much it had bothered me. Just how much pain the thought brought to my heart.
“No,” Rider finally replied.
“You lie,” I accused. “I have been told everything. Everything you have done. Everything your brother has done . . . how you fought to win Mae’s love.”
Rider’s already pale cheeks turned ashen. The shackles that held him captive rattled as he pushed himself to a sitting position. He faced me. Stared directly into my eyes.
His shoulders slumped. “I thought I loved her. When I was chosen by my uncle to infiltrate these men, I was so out of my element. But I believed in the cause. Bella . . . I believed in our faith so hard I didn’t dispute a single thing I’d been taught in The Pasture.” He shook his head and ran his hand down his face. “When Mae arrived, bleeding out and dying, I figured out who she was pretty quick.” He pointed to the inscription on my wrist. I ran my fingers over the ink that had been forced upon me as a child. “I knew I had to gain her trust to return her to my uncle. And she was the only female I had ever really spoken to. I . . . I think that I wanted her because she was from The Order. I thought that she was just under the influence of the devil.”
He expelled a self-deprecating laugh. “Fucked-up, right? I truly thought that I had to help her soul. I honestly believed I was in love with her, that she was meant for me, and that I could save her. When I ascended, it was my biggest goal: to get her back. To have her by my side. I thought that was what I was meant to make happen. What God expected me to do.”
“What changed?” I found myself asking. A sickened feeling had sprouted in my chest as I listened to him talk of wanting Mae. It was unbearable, yet I could do nothing to chase it away.
Rider’s chest rose and fell as he fought to breathe through whatever he wanted to say next. Then he did, and that feeling in my chest evaporated.
