Defy the Dawn
Page 53
“Show me.” His gaze burned with intensity as he pushed her higher, ever higher. “Let me feel it too, Brynne. Let me taste it, right now.”
She frowned, uncertain she understood. Afraid to hope.
But the truth was there in his eyes. It was in the emotional connection she had to him now—the one he was asking her to complete with him. He wanted this. He wanted her bond.
Would he want it when she was at her worst?
The question scraped at her coldly. Yes, he had seen her in the throes of blood thirst. He knew what she became then.
But to feel it in his own blood? To know the savagery that filled her when she was less Breed than monster?
Bonding him to her meant bonding him to everything she was, including the part of her that was Ancient. How could he ever look at her with desire—or with any kind of affection—if she let him take that hideous part of her into his own soul?
The fear that he would regret it made her veins freeze up.
The very thought that he might one day look at her in revulsion or loathing was too much for her to bear. Especially now, when he was holding her so lovingly, making her wish for things she could never have.
“Zael, no.” Extricating herself from his embrace, she pushed away from him and scrambled to the edge of the bed.
“What’s wrong?”
The concern in his deep voice made her wince in misery. When his hand came to rest gently on her shoulder, she flinched. Stood up abruptly and moved out of his reach.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I can’t do this. Neither should you. Please… You should go.”
“Go?” So much confusion in that one word.
He got up from the bed and walked toward her. His face was drawn with bewilderment, and with tender affection. Seeing his care for her now only reinforced the dread that if she let things go any further with him, that love would turn to disgust.
“I can’t do this, Zael. Drinking from you was a mistake.”
“It sure as hell didn’t feel like a mistake to me,” he shot back, anger overtaking his disbelief. “It felt right. And I know you felt it too.”
She shook her head. “I can’t do this, Zael. Not here. Not now. We shouldn’t even risk being together until after the alliance is decided. You said that yourself.”
“Fuck the alliance.” His reply exploded out of him, his voice clipped and harsh. “This is about you and me, Brynne. Nothing else matters to me.”
“Not even the colony?”
She knew it did. And if he tried to deny it, she could see that he knew she’d call him on the lie. She had only been on the island for a few hours and she could plainly see that for all of his wandering, this place and its people had been his only semblance of home. His infrequent returns and brief stays hadn’t diminished the fact that for most of his immortal life, the people here had been the closest thing to family he’d ever had.
He would never truly turn his back on them, and she would never belong here.
No matter the outcome of the alliance they had been entrusted to make happen.
“I shouldn’t have taken your blood, Zael. It was selfish. The most selfish thing I’ve ever done. I can’t let you make it worse by shackling yourself to me too.”
“Are you joking?”
His anger and confusion had now hardened into pain. She felt it vibrate in her veins as he stepped closer to her. She retreated deeper into the shadows of the small room.
“Zael, please… I want you to go.”
“Brynne.” He reached out to her.
“Go!” It was the beast that lived inside her that shouted the command at him.
She felt her nails harden into black talons as her misery morphed into desperate fury. Her skin prickled with the eruption of her alien dermaglyphs, the tangled patterns rising to the surface to cover most of her body.
Zael stood motionless, his handsome face unreadable. But she could feel his reaction in his blood. It wasn’t fear or anger. It was pity.
She steeled herself to the hurt. “Please. Just go.”
She turned away as he slowly retrieved his clothes and put them on, knowing if she watched him start to walk away from her, she might be tempted to call him back.
He didn’t make her suffer the waiting for long.
The room lit up with a sudden blast of light.
Then he was gone.
CHAPTER 33
Brynne didn’t sleep at all that night.
Her own misery would have been enough to keep her lying awake until the soft light of dawn began to fill the small cottage, but she also knew Zael’s restlessness through her bond to him.
He was as unhappy as she was. But he was angry too. He was confused and hurt.
Because of her.
Because she was too weak to admit what she wanted—him, as her forever mate—and too scared to believe he could ever look past the abomination that she was.
He had gotten an irrefutable reminder of that in the moments before he’d left her.
Self-directed rage had brought her monster out in all of its hissing, lethal worst. He’d seen it, and he had felt sorry for her. She’d felt his pity. The sting of it still burned like acid in her throat…and in her heart.
Maybe he finally understood just how impossible any kind of future would be for them. Maybe seeing her like that again was just what he’d needed to admit that she was right. They were from two different worlds, and although she’d never had much to call her own and even less to return to now, he had everything waiting for him here at the colony.
The last thing she wanted to do was jeopardize that for him by shackling him to her through a blood bond.
Even if pushing him away had felt as though it were killing her inside.
She couldn’t deny that a shameful part of her had hoped he might return to the cottage and demand another chance to convince her.
Nor could she pretend that she wasn’t disappointed when the knock came on her door that morning and she found Neriah waiting there, instead of Zael.
“Hi, Brynne.” The girl smiled cheerfully in greeting. “The council is going to be meeting soon. Zael’s on his way there now. He asked me to come and fetch you, if you’re ready?”
“Oh.” He was already there. Already adjusting to the distance she’d insisted upon. She schooled her expression into one of pure professionalism, even though an ache was tearing open inside her. “Of course, I’m ready. Let’s go.”
She frowned, uncertain she understood. Afraid to hope.
But the truth was there in his eyes. It was in the emotional connection she had to him now—the one he was asking her to complete with him. He wanted this. He wanted her bond.
Would he want it when she was at her worst?
The question scraped at her coldly. Yes, he had seen her in the throes of blood thirst. He knew what she became then.
But to feel it in his own blood? To know the savagery that filled her when she was less Breed than monster?
Bonding him to her meant bonding him to everything she was, including the part of her that was Ancient. How could he ever look at her with desire—or with any kind of affection—if she let him take that hideous part of her into his own soul?
The fear that he would regret it made her veins freeze up.
The very thought that he might one day look at her in revulsion or loathing was too much for her to bear. Especially now, when he was holding her so lovingly, making her wish for things she could never have.
“Zael, no.” Extricating herself from his embrace, she pushed away from him and scrambled to the edge of the bed.
“What’s wrong?”
The concern in his deep voice made her wince in misery. When his hand came to rest gently on her shoulder, she flinched. Stood up abruptly and moved out of his reach.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I can’t do this. Neither should you. Please… You should go.”
“Go?” So much confusion in that one word.
He got up from the bed and walked toward her. His face was drawn with bewilderment, and with tender affection. Seeing his care for her now only reinforced the dread that if she let things go any further with him, that love would turn to disgust.
“I can’t do this, Zael. Drinking from you was a mistake.”
“It sure as hell didn’t feel like a mistake to me,” he shot back, anger overtaking his disbelief. “It felt right. And I know you felt it too.”
She shook her head. “I can’t do this, Zael. Not here. Not now. We shouldn’t even risk being together until after the alliance is decided. You said that yourself.”
“Fuck the alliance.” His reply exploded out of him, his voice clipped and harsh. “This is about you and me, Brynne. Nothing else matters to me.”
“Not even the colony?”
She knew it did. And if he tried to deny it, she could see that he knew she’d call him on the lie. She had only been on the island for a few hours and she could plainly see that for all of his wandering, this place and its people had been his only semblance of home. His infrequent returns and brief stays hadn’t diminished the fact that for most of his immortal life, the people here had been the closest thing to family he’d ever had.
He would never truly turn his back on them, and she would never belong here.
No matter the outcome of the alliance they had been entrusted to make happen.
“I shouldn’t have taken your blood, Zael. It was selfish. The most selfish thing I’ve ever done. I can’t let you make it worse by shackling yourself to me too.”
“Are you joking?”
His anger and confusion had now hardened into pain. She felt it vibrate in her veins as he stepped closer to her. She retreated deeper into the shadows of the small room.
“Zael, please… I want you to go.”
“Brynne.” He reached out to her.
“Go!” It was the beast that lived inside her that shouted the command at him.
She felt her nails harden into black talons as her misery morphed into desperate fury. Her skin prickled with the eruption of her alien dermaglyphs, the tangled patterns rising to the surface to cover most of her body.
Zael stood motionless, his handsome face unreadable. But she could feel his reaction in his blood. It wasn’t fear or anger. It was pity.
She steeled herself to the hurt. “Please. Just go.”
She turned away as he slowly retrieved his clothes and put them on, knowing if she watched him start to walk away from her, she might be tempted to call him back.
He didn’t make her suffer the waiting for long.
The room lit up with a sudden blast of light.
Then he was gone.
CHAPTER 33
Brynne didn’t sleep at all that night.
Her own misery would have been enough to keep her lying awake until the soft light of dawn began to fill the small cottage, but she also knew Zael’s restlessness through her bond to him.
He was as unhappy as she was. But he was angry too. He was confused and hurt.
Because of her.
Because she was too weak to admit what she wanted—him, as her forever mate—and too scared to believe he could ever look past the abomination that she was.
He had gotten an irrefutable reminder of that in the moments before he’d left her.
Self-directed rage had brought her monster out in all of its hissing, lethal worst. He’d seen it, and he had felt sorry for her. She’d felt his pity. The sting of it still burned like acid in her throat…and in her heart.
Maybe he finally understood just how impossible any kind of future would be for them. Maybe seeing her like that again was just what he’d needed to admit that she was right. They were from two different worlds, and although she’d never had much to call her own and even less to return to now, he had everything waiting for him here at the colony.
The last thing she wanted to do was jeopardize that for him by shackling him to her through a blood bond.
Even if pushing him away had felt as though it were killing her inside.
She couldn’t deny that a shameful part of her had hoped he might return to the cottage and demand another chance to convince her.
Nor could she pretend that she wasn’t disappointed when the knock came on her door that morning and she found Neriah waiting there, instead of Zael.
“Hi, Brynne.” The girl smiled cheerfully in greeting. “The council is going to be meeting soon. Zael’s on his way there now. He asked me to come and fetch you, if you’re ready?”
“Oh.” He was already there. Already adjusting to the distance she’d insisted upon. She schooled her expression into one of pure professionalism, even though an ache was tearing open inside her. “Of course, I’m ready. Let’s go.”
