Denied
Page 31
‘Are you okay?’ I ask, inching myself up into a sitting position.
‘I apologise.’ He stands and walks to the huge window. His na**d back in the night glow looks almost ethereal. I feel the overwhelming need to be close to him, but he’s lost in thought and I should let him have those thoughts. For so long, I’ve thought it was just me who’s the damaged half of this relationship. I was so wrong. Miller’s more broken. I’ve seen the result of this lifestyle. I saw the effect it had on my mother and the lifelong impact it’s had on my grandmother. And on me, too. I’ve done some stupid things. Except Miller has no family to affect. There’s only him, no matter how I ask the question. And he isn’t on his way to hell. I’ve pulled him back, but that sobering claim strengthens my hope. Miller has spent too many years doing something he didn’t want to.
‘Miller?’
He slowly turns, and I don’t like what I see.
Defeatism.
Sorrow.
Sadness.
His head drops. ‘I’m f**ked up, Olivia. I’m sorry.’
‘You’ve apologised enough. Stop saying you’re sorry.’ I can feel the panic flaring in me. ‘Please, come here.’
‘I don’t know what I’ll do if you choose to, but you really should run a mile, sweet girl.’
‘No!’ I snap, worried by his change in approach to our reunion. ‘Come here.’ I’m about to physically fetch him myself when he starts to make his way over. He sits at the other end of the couch, too far away. ‘Don’t say things like that,’ I warn, lying down on my back and resting my head in his na**d lap so I’m looking up at him.
He drops his head so his eyes meet mine, his hands stroking through my hair. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘If you say that one more time,’ I warn, reaching up to feel his neck out. I pull him down, forcing him to bend so we’re forehead to forehead. ‘I’ll . . .’
‘You’ll what?’
‘I don’t know,’ I admit, ‘but I’ll do something.’ So I kiss him, because that is all there is left to do. And he lets me. It is me setting the delicate pace, me who’s guiding Miller. I’m the strong one right now. Me. It doesn’t matter what has come before me. What matters is that we have both found each other and finally accepted each other. I feel it’s like the blind leading the blind, but my determination is now fierce. I’ve let him break down my barriers and, in the process, I’ve innocently bashed down his, too. This feeling of his lips isn’t something I’m prepared to surrender. This sense of belonging isn’t going to be given up. This is where I’m supposed to be. I’m not prepared to fight against this any more. I have the strength to help him. He gives me that strength.
He halts our kiss abruptly and breathes heavily in my face, making a deliberate show of stroking my cheeks and hair so very tenderly. ‘Was that you telling me off?’ he asks seriously, dropping a light peck on my nose. ‘Because if so, then I’m sorry.’
‘Stop it.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘You’re being silly.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘I’ll do something,’ I warn, pulling a little on his hair.
He shifts my head from his lap and lays himself down, repositioning me so I’m spread all over him, my face level with his. ‘Please do,’ he whispers, putting his lips close to mine and blinking teasingly slowly.
‘You want me to kiss you?’ I ask quietly, keeping the distance between our mouths minimal and resisting the urge to capture the temptation within licking distance.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be.’
‘I’m sorry.’ He brushes our lips, and I lose all resistance, the enticement of him impossible to fight off. ‘I’m so sorry.’
My tongue plunges relentlessly but softly, working smoothly and with complete reverence. We’re back to where we belong. My world is right again. Everything can be forgiven, except now there is so much more to forgive. His rules, the ones that prevented me from touching him and kissing him, are being blown out of the water now. I’m feeling him everywhere, kissing him like I’ll never have the pleasure again. It’s loving, meaningful, and completely mind-blanking. It’s perfect.
‘I love your punishments,’ he mumbles, twisting onto his side and pulling me closer to his chest, still kissing me and still feeling me everywhere. ‘Stay with me tonight.’
I’m the one who severs the contact, my lips stinging and swollen. His dark stubble is always so prickly and coarse, but familiar and comforting. I run my palm down his cheek and watch his lips as they part when my thumb drags across them. ‘I don’t want to stay just one night,’ I murmur. My eyes reluctantly climb his nose until I’m staring into blue circles of understanding.
‘I want you to stay for ever,’ he replies softly, following up his words with a hard push of his lips on mine. ‘I need to put you in my bed.’ He untangles us from the sofa and picks me up, resuming his kiss as I lie across his arms and he carries me to his bedroom.
‘Do you know how you make me feel?’ he asks, placing me gently down and encouraging me to turn onto my front.
‘Yes.’ I turn my face into the pillow when he begins a slow, delicate flick of his tongue up the column of my spine, finishing with a soft kiss on my shoulder blade.
The hard head of his erection teases my opening, making my arse lift fractionally to urge him on. ‘Thank God I have you again.’ He sinks into me on a harsh pull of breath, then holds still, trying to regain control of his breathing. I bite at the pillow, moaning quietly. The hardness of his torso is pressing into my back, pushing me into the mattress, and my fists are balling into the sheets. ‘You’ve taken the only resilient part of me and annihilated it, Livy,’ he whispers hoarsely, performing an easy grind of his hips.
I turn my heated face back outwards when I feel his lips at my ear and find dark lashes framing sparkling blue eyes. ‘I don’t want to take anything. I want you to give it to me.’
He retreats slowly and pushes forward firmly, again and again, drawing constant moans of pleasure each and every time. ‘What do you want me to give you?’
‘What’s the most resilient part of you?’ I groan the words through an excruciatingly deep thrust.
‘My heart, Livy. My heart is the most resilient part of me.’ He loses control momentarily and bucks forward on a bark.
My chest swells at his admission. ‘Let me see you.’ I wriggle under his body. ‘Please, I need to see you properly.’
‘Fucking hell,’ he curses, and quickly slips out of me, allowing me to spin over and grab at his shoulders before he quickly re-enters me, pounding forward uncontrolled. ‘Livy!’ he shouts, pushing his torso up on his arms. He holds still, panting and staring down at me. ‘I’m petrified of you.’
I tilt my h*ps up, making him drop his chin to his chest, his waves falling forward as he does. ‘I’m scared of you, too,’ I whisper. ‘Terrified.’
He lifts his eyes and circles his hips. ‘I’m an emotion virgin, Livy. You’re my first.’
‘What are you saying?’ I ask quietly.
‘I apologise.’ He stands and walks to the huge window. His na**d back in the night glow looks almost ethereal. I feel the overwhelming need to be close to him, but he’s lost in thought and I should let him have those thoughts. For so long, I’ve thought it was just me who’s the damaged half of this relationship. I was so wrong. Miller’s more broken. I’ve seen the result of this lifestyle. I saw the effect it had on my mother and the lifelong impact it’s had on my grandmother. And on me, too. I’ve done some stupid things. Except Miller has no family to affect. There’s only him, no matter how I ask the question. And he isn’t on his way to hell. I’ve pulled him back, but that sobering claim strengthens my hope. Miller has spent too many years doing something he didn’t want to.
‘Miller?’
He slowly turns, and I don’t like what I see.
Defeatism.
Sorrow.
Sadness.
His head drops. ‘I’m f**ked up, Olivia. I’m sorry.’
‘You’ve apologised enough. Stop saying you’re sorry.’ I can feel the panic flaring in me. ‘Please, come here.’
‘I don’t know what I’ll do if you choose to, but you really should run a mile, sweet girl.’
‘No!’ I snap, worried by his change in approach to our reunion. ‘Come here.’ I’m about to physically fetch him myself when he starts to make his way over. He sits at the other end of the couch, too far away. ‘Don’t say things like that,’ I warn, lying down on my back and resting my head in his na**d lap so I’m looking up at him.
He drops his head so his eyes meet mine, his hands stroking through my hair. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘If you say that one more time,’ I warn, reaching up to feel his neck out. I pull him down, forcing him to bend so we’re forehead to forehead. ‘I’ll . . .’
‘You’ll what?’
‘I don’t know,’ I admit, ‘but I’ll do something.’ So I kiss him, because that is all there is left to do. And he lets me. It is me setting the delicate pace, me who’s guiding Miller. I’m the strong one right now. Me. It doesn’t matter what has come before me. What matters is that we have both found each other and finally accepted each other. I feel it’s like the blind leading the blind, but my determination is now fierce. I’ve let him break down my barriers and, in the process, I’ve innocently bashed down his, too. This feeling of his lips isn’t something I’m prepared to surrender. This sense of belonging isn’t going to be given up. This is where I’m supposed to be. I’m not prepared to fight against this any more. I have the strength to help him. He gives me that strength.
He halts our kiss abruptly and breathes heavily in my face, making a deliberate show of stroking my cheeks and hair so very tenderly. ‘Was that you telling me off?’ he asks seriously, dropping a light peck on my nose. ‘Because if so, then I’m sorry.’
‘Stop it.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘You’re being silly.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘I’ll do something,’ I warn, pulling a little on his hair.
He shifts my head from his lap and lays himself down, repositioning me so I’m spread all over him, my face level with his. ‘Please do,’ he whispers, putting his lips close to mine and blinking teasingly slowly.
‘You want me to kiss you?’ I ask quietly, keeping the distance between our mouths minimal and resisting the urge to capture the temptation within licking distance.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be.’
‘I’m sorry.’ He brushes our lips, and I lose all resistance, the enticement of him impossible to fight off. ‘I’m so sorry.’
My tongue plunges relentlessly but softly, working smoothly and with complete reverence. We’re back to where we belong. My world is right again. Everything can be forgiven, except now there is so much more to forgive. His rules, the ones that prevented me from touching him and kissing him, are being blown out of the water now. I’m feeling him everywhere, kissing him like I’ll never have the pleasure again. It’s loving, meaningful, and completely mind-blanking. It’s perfect.
‘I love your punishments,’ he mumbles, twisting onto his side and pulling me closer to his chest, still kissing me and still feeling me everywhere. ‘Stay with me tonight.’
I’m the one who severs the contact, my lips stinging and swollen. His dark stubble is always so prickly and coarse, but familiar and comforting. I run my palm down his cheek and watch his lips as they part when my thumb drags across them. ‘I don’t want to stay just one night,’ I murmur. My eyes reluctantly climb his nose until I’m staring into blue circles of understanding.
‘I want you to stay for ever,’ he replies softly, following up his words with a hard push of his lips on mine. ‘I need to put you in my bed.’ He untangles us from the sofa and picks me up, resuming his kiss as I lie across his arms and he carries me to his bedroom.
‘Do you know how you make me feel?’ he asks, placing me gently down and encouraging me to turn onto my front.
‘Yes.’ I turn my face into the pillow when he begins a slow, delicate flick of his tongue up the column of my spine, finishing with a soft kiss on my shoulder blade.
The hard head of his erection teases my opening, making my arse lift fractionally to urge him on. ‘Thank God I have you again.’ He sinks into me on a harsh pull of breath, then holds still, trying to regain control of his breathing. I bite at the pillow, moaning quietly. The hardness of his torso is pressing into my back, pushing me into the mattress, and my fists are balling into the sheets. ‘You’ve taken the only resilient part of me and annihilated it, Livy,’ he whispers hoarsely, performing an easy grind of his hips.
I turn my heated face back outwards when I feel his lips at my ear and find dark lashes framing sparkling blue eyes. ‘I don’t want to take anything. I want you to give it to me.’
He retreats slowly and pushes forward firmly, again and again, drawing constant moans of pleasure each and every time. ‘What do you want me to give you?’
‘What’s the most resilient part of you?’ I groan the words through an excruciatingly deep thrust.
‘My heart, Livy. My heart is the most resilient part of me.’ He loses control momentarily and bucks forward on a bark.
My chest swells at his admission. ‘Let me see you.’ I wriggle under his body. ‘Please, I need to see you properly.’
‘Fucking hell,’ he curses, and quickly slips out of me, allowing me to spin over and grab at his shoulders before he quickly re-enters me, pounding forward uncontrolled. ‘Livy!’ he shouts, pushing his torso up on his arms. He holds still, panting and staring down at me. ‘I’m petrified of you.’
I tilt my h*ps up, making him drop his chin to his chest, his waves falling forward as he does. ‘I’m scared of you, too,’ I whisper. ‘Terrified.’
He lifts his eyes and circles his hips. ‘I’m an emotion virgin, Livy. You’re my first.’
‘What are you saying?’ I ask quietly.
