Denied
Page 43
‘It is?’
‘Yes, funny, don’t you think? Someone who no longer has to clock-watch is given a watch.’
I chuckle with William, feeling a bond between us budding. ‘It’s quite ironic.’
‘Very much so.’
What’s also ironic is that we’re laughing about this when he’s just informed me that his uncle died so tragically. ‘I’m sorry about your uncle.’
William huffs a sarcastic puff of breath. ‘Don’t be. He got what he deserved. Live by the sword, die by it. Isn’t that what they say?’
I don’t know. Do they? I’m being fed information that is way too vivid and complex for my poor mind to process.
I stammer all over my words, but the comprehension seems to bite me on the arse. ‘Was your uncle an immoral bastard?’
‘Yes,’ he chuckles again, wiping under his eyes. ‘He was the immoral bastard. Things changed once I took over. I might have been a nasty bastard when I needed to be, but I wasn’t unfair. I implemented new rules, sorted the girls out, and weeded out the arseholes on the client list as best I could. I was young, fresh, and it worked. Earned me far more respect than my uncle ever gained. The ones who wanted to stick around and do things my way stayed. The ones who didn’t like the changes went and continued to be immoral bastards. I earned myself a lot of enemies, but even at that age I was not to be taken lightly.’
‘Have you killed anyone?’ I blurt the question without thought, and startled greys flip to mine fast. I almost let an apology slip for asking such a thing, but the wary glaze that descends over William’s clear eyes tells me it’s not such a stupid inquiry. He has.
‘That’s irrelevant, don’t you think?’
No, I don’t, but his cautionary glare prevents me from saying so. Had he not taken someone’s life, then I’m certain he’d be quick to put me right. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be.’ He reaches over and skims his knuckles over my cheek. ‘Your beautiful mind doesn’t need to be tarnished with ugliness.’
‘Too late,’ I whisper, making William’s delicate touch falter. ‘But we’re not talking about me and my decisions. What happened then?’
Shifting in his seated position, William takes both of my hands and turns to me. ‘We courted.’
‘Dated?’
‘Yes, if you will.’
I smile, remembering Nan using the very same word. ‘And?’
‘And it was intense. Gracie, although young and lacking in experience, had passion built in and ready to unleash. And she unleashed it on me. It sparked an undiscovered hunger in me. A hunger for her.’
‘You fell in love.’
‘I think that happened immediately.’ Sadness washes over his features again, his eyes dropping to his lap. ‘I spent only a month swallowed up in your mother’s fiery desire. Then reality hit, and Gracie and I were suddenly an impossible combination.’
I know exactly how he must have felt, and whatever bond we share just got a little stronger. ‘What happened?’
‘My eye was off the ball and one of my girls paid for it.’
I gasp and reclaim a hand.
He rubs his forehead, reliving the pain. ‘Damage control was something else. My enemies would have been pigs in shit over it.’
‘So you broke things off with her.’
‘Tried to. For a long, long time. Gracie was addictive and the thought of facing a day without immersing myself in her was unthinkable. And anyway, she knew how to render me stupid, how to brandish her sass and body unfairly. I was screwed.’ William relaxes back on the bench and gazes across the square, drifting off somewhere distant and troubled. ‘I kept us on the down-low. She would have been a target.’
‘It wasn’t just your obligation to the girls that stopped you being together, was it?’ I don’t need confirmation.
‘No, it wasn’t. If I allowed my feelings for that woman to be known, she would have been a red flag. I may as well have served her on a f**king plate.’
‘But that happened anyway,’ I remind him. He sent her away, let her fall into the hands of an immoral bastard.
‘After a few traumatic years, yes, it did. I always hoped you would be enough to pull her around.’
I scoff, pissed off at being reminded of my lack of incentive to my mother. ‘We all know how that worked out for you,’ I snipe. ‘Sorry I let you down.’
‘Enough!’
‘How did she become pregnant with another man’s child?’ I ask, ignoring his irritation at my candidness. ‘She was nineteen when she had me. That’s not long after you met.’
‘She punished me, Olivia. I already told you that. I don’t need to remind you of the book. Remember reading much of me in there?’
‘No,’ I admit, feeling almost sorry for William.
‘She became pregnant with another man’s child. It deflected any suspicion there may have been about your mother and me.’
‘Who was he?’
William scoffs. ‘Who the hell knows? Gracie certainly didn’t.’ Resentment pours from him and he releases a calming rush of breath. Speaking of this makes him angry. And it just makes me hate my mother more. ‘You were probably the best thing that could have happened.’
‘I’m glad someone thinks so,’ I say scathingly.
‘Olivia!’
‘I’m glad I served a purpose,’ I laugh wickedly. ‘And here’s me thinking no one wanted me, yet it turns out that I did my mother’s pimp a favour. My purpose in life is making me so proud.’
‘You saved your mother’s life, Livy.’
‘What?’ I snap. He’s not going to suggest that my purpose was to deter the enemy, to deflect from Gracie and William’s relationship? ‘Just so she could abandon me later?’ I ask. ‘For all we know, she’s dead, William! My purpose stands for shit because despite everything, she still ended up f**king dead! I still have no mother and you have no Gracie!’ I heave violently next to him, blinking back tears of fury. The compassion has been sucked up, the merging parts of my heart severed in the blink of an eye . . . or the delivery of a thoughtless sentence. He was doing so well. The history of their relationship momentarily made me forget about the matter at hand. Miller. And me. Us. We’re not destined to follow the same destructive path of tortured love and irreparable heartache. We were on our way, but we saved each other.
I stand and swing towards him. He’s regarding me carefully. ‘Miller won’t let me down like you did Gracie.’ I turn and storm away, hearing him hiss on a wince. I half expect to be seized before I make it out of the square, but I’m allowed to remove myself from William and his revelations without intervention.
*
I don’t mean to, but when I finally make it home, I slam the front door shut, still reeling after my time with William and exhausted after my time at the doctor’s. I don’t recall much of my time sitting opposite my GP’s desk. I blurted my predicament, was interrogated before being prescribed the morning-after pill and contraceptive pill, and left, taking myself across the road to the pharmacy. And it was all done in a cloud of hopelessness.
‘Yes, funny, don’t you think? Someone who no longer has to clock-watch is given a watch.’
I chuckle with William, feeling a bond between us budding. ‘It’s quite ironic.’
‘Very much so.’
What’s also ironic is that we’re laughing about this when he’s just informed me that his uncle died so tragically. ‘I’m sorry about your uncle.’
William huffs a sarcastic puff of breath. ‘Don’t be. He got what he deserved. Live by the sword, die by it. Isn’t that what they say?’
I don’t know. Do they? I’m being fed information that is way too vivid and complex for my poor mind to process.
I stammer all over my words, but the comprehension seems to bite me on the arse. ‘Was your uncle an immoral bastard?’
‘Yes,’ he chuckles again, wiping under his eyes. ‘He was the immoral bastard. Things changed once I took over. I might have been a nasty bastard when I needed to be, but I wasn’t unfair. I implemented new rules, sorted the girls out, and weeded out the arseholes on the client list as best I could. I was young, fresh, and it worked. Earned me far more respect than my uncle ever gained. The ones who wanted to stick around and do things my way stayed. The ones who didn’t like the changes went and continued to be immoral bastards. I earned myself a lot of enemies, but even at that age I was not to be taken lightly.’
‘Have you killed anyone?’ I blurt the question without thought, and startled greys flip to mine fast. I almost let an apology slip for asking such a thing, but the wary glaze that descends over William’s clear eyes tells me it’s not such a stupid inquiry. He has.
‘That’s irrelevant, don’t you think?’
No, I don’t, but his cautionary glare prevents me from saying so. Had he not taken someone’s life, then I’m certain he’d be quick to put me right. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be.’ He reaches over and skims his knuckles over my cheek. ‘Your beautiful mind doesn’t need to be tarnished with ugliness.’
‘Too late,’ I whisper, making William’s delicate touch falter. ‘But we’re not talking about me and my decisions. What happened then?’
Shifting in his seated position, William takes both of my hands and turns to me. ‘We courted.’
‘Dated?’
‘Yes, if you will.’
I smile, remembering Nan using the very same word. ‘And?’
‘And it was intense. Gracie, although young and lacking in experience, had passion built in and ready to unleash. And she unleashed it on me. It sparked an undiscovered hunger in me. A hunger for her.’
‘You fell in love.’
‘I think that happened immediately.’ Sadness washes over his features again, his eyes dropping to his lap. ‘I spent only a month swallowed up in your mother’s fiery desire. Then reality hit, and Gracie and I were suddenly an impossible combination.’
I know exactly how he must have felt, and whatever bond we share just got a little stronger. ‘What happened?’
‘My eye was off the ball and one of my girls paid for it.’
I gasp and reclaim a hand.
He rubs his forehead, reliving the pain. ‘Damage control was something else. My enemies would have been pigs in shit over it.’
‘So you broke things off with her.’
‘Tried to. For a long, long time. Gracie was addictive and the thought of facing a day without immersing myself in her was unthinkable. And anyway, she knew how to render me stupid, how to brandish her sass and body unfairly. I was screwed.’ William relaxes back on the bench and gazes across the square, drifting off somewhere distant and troubled. ‘I kept us on the down-low. She would have been a target.’
‘It wasn’t just your obligation to the girls that stopped you being together, was it?’ I don’t need confirmation.
‘No, it wasn’t. If I allowed my feelings for that woman to be known, she would have been a red flag. I may as well have served her on a f**king plate.’
‘But that happened anyway,’ I remind him. He sent her away, let her fall into the hands of an immoral bastard.
‘After a few traumatic years, yes, it did. I always hoped you would be enough to pull her around.’
I scoff, pissed off at being reminded of my lack of incentive to my mother. ‘We all know how that worked out for you,’ I snipe. ‘Sorry I let you down.’
‘Enough!’
‘How did she become pregnant with another man’s child?’ I ask, ignoring his irritation at my candidness. ‘She was nineteen when she had me. That’s not long after you met.’
‘She punished me, Olivia. I already told you that. I don’t need to remind you of the book. Remember reading much of me in there?’
‘No,’ I admit, feeling almost sorry for William.
‘She became pregnant with another man’s child. It deflected any suspicion there may have been about your mother and me.’
‘Who was he?’
William scoffs. ‘Who the hell knows? Gracie certainly didn’t.’ Resentment pours from him and he releases a calming rush of breath. Speaking of this makes him angry. And it just makes me hate my mother more. ‘You were probably the best thing that could have happened.’
‘I’m glad someone thinks so,’ I say scathingly.
‘Olivia!’
‘I’m glad I served a purpose,’ I laugh wickedly. ‘And here’s me thinking no one wanted me, yet it turns out that I did my mother’s pimp a favour. My purpose in life is making me so proud.’
‘You saved your mother’s life, Livy.’
‘What?’ I snap. He’s not going to suggest that my purpose was to deter the enemy, to deflect from Gracie and William’s relationship? ‘Just so she could abandon me later?’ I ask. ‘For all we know, she’s dead, William! My purpose stands for shit because despite everything, she still ended up f**king dead! I still have no mother and you have no Gracie!’ I heave violently next to him, blinking back tears of fury. The compassion has been sucked up, the merging parts of my heart severed in the blink of an eye . . . or the delivery of a thoughtless sentence. He was doing so well. The history of their relationship momentarily made me forget about the matter at hand. Miller. And me. Us. We’re not destined to follow the same destructive path of tortured love and irreparable heartache. We were on our way, but we saved each other.
I stand and swing towards him. He’s regarding me carefully. ‘Miller won’t let me down like you did Gracie.’ I turn and storm away, hearing him hiss on a wince. I half expect to be seized before I make it out of the square, but I’m allowed to remove myself from William and his revelations without intervention.
*
I don’t mean to, but when I finally make it home, I slam the front door shut, still reeling after my time with William and exhausted after my time at the doctor’s. I don’t recall much of my time sitting opposite my GP’s desk. I blurted my predicament, was interrogated before being prescribed the morning-after pill and contraceptive pill, and left, taking myself across the road to the pharmacy. And it was all done in a cloud of hopelessness.
