Denied
Page 81
‘He was gone!’ I insist desperately. ‘He’s never here when we’re together.’ That’s not true, and I know it, but I’m falling further into hell and I’ll try anything to claw my way back.
‘Yes, he is,’ he spits, leaning down and pulling my waiflike frame from the floor. ‘I was stupid to think I could do this.’
‘Do what?’
He recoils and releases me, waving up and down my body. ‘This!’
‘You mean feel?’ I smack him on the chest. ‘You mean love?’
His mouth snaps shut and he steps back, clearly fighting to control his twitching body. ‘I can’t love you.’
‘Don’t,’ I murmur pitifully. ‘Don’t say that.’
‘The truth hurts, Olivia.’
‘It’s that woman from last night, isn’t it?’ I ask, her smug face suddenly all I see through my fear. ‘Sophia. What did she say?’
‘It’s got nothing to do with her.’ He stalks from the bathroom, and I know it’s because I’m working my way closer to the issue.
‘Did you really want to stop?’
‘Yes!’ he barks, swinging around and nailing me with incensed eyes, but he soon backs down, realising what he’s said. ‘No!’
‘Yes or no?’ I scream.
‘No!’
‘What’s happened since last night when you came back to bed?’
‘Too f**king much!’ He’s gone from my sight, slipping into the wardrobe. I go after him again and watch as he yanks on some shorts and a T-shirt. ‘You’re young. You’ll get over me.’ He’s refusing to look at me or acknowledge my words, the coward.
‘Do you want me to get over you?’
‘Yes, you deserve more than I can give. I told you from the start, Livy. I’m emotionally unavailable.’
‘And since then you’ve worshipped me and given me everything you’ve hidden from the world.’ I keep my eyes on empty blues, desperately trying to find something in them. ‘You’ve destroyed me.’
‘Don’t say that!’ he yells, guilt clear in his tone and expression. He knows it to be true. ‘I brought you back to life.’
‘Congratulations!’ I scream, outraged. ‘Yes! You did, but the moment I saw light and hope, you’ve cruelly slayed me.’
He recoils at my words that are nothing but truth, and with no worthy response, he passes me to escape his wrongs, ensuring no contact is made. ‘I have to go away.’
‘Where?’
‘Paris. I leave at noon.’
A sharp inhale of breath chokes me. The city of love? ‘You’re going with that woman, aren’t you?’ My heart is completely severed now, the thought of Miller, posh women, restraints, money, and gifts . . .
And all I can see is my mother’s beautiful, selfish face. My face. And now Miller’s face.
He will not do this to me! ‘I’ll get over you.’ I straighten my shoulders and watch as he halts at the sound of my even promise. ‘I’ll make sure of it.’
He slowly turns and gives me warning eyes. I couldn’t care less. ‘Don’t do anything stupid, Livy.’
‘You’ve just relinquished your right to make requests, so you’ll forgive me if I choose to ignore you.’ I barge past him, fully aware of what I’m doing and totally prepared to see my threat through.
‘Livy!’
‘Have a nice trip.’ I retrieve my damp dress and throw it on as I make my way through his apartment.
‘Livy, it’s not as easy as just stopping.’ He’s coming after me, the sound of his bare feet slapping on the marble floor behind me getting louder as I hurry to the door. He’s concerned now, my indirect promise spiking his possessive streak. He doesn’t want another man to taste me. ‘Livy!’ I feel him grab my arm, and I swing around, boiling with rage, finding the mask lifting slightly. But the smidgen of hope doesn’t stop me from lashing his cheek with my palm. His head snaps to the side and remains there while I attempt in vain to cool my temper.
‘Yes! You should have let me walk away from you!’ I fire with complete resoluteness. ‘You should have let me forget!’
His face slowly comes back to me. ‘I didn’t want you to remember me like that. I didn’t want you to hate me.’
I laugh, stunned by his selfish motives. He doesn’t care what anyone else thinks of him. But me? I’m different? ‘How honourable of you, but you’ve made a fatal mistake, Miller Hart.’
He looks wary as he drops his hold of me. ‘How?’
‘Because I hate you more now than I ever did when you made me one of your whores! Now you’re just a coward. Now you’re a quitter, a chicken!’ I gulp down some calming breaths, feeling ashamed of my desperate behaviour and begging. He knows how I feel, and I know how he feels, yet he’s the one walking away, when it’s me who would be taking the biggest leap of faith here. It’s me going against all of my rules and morals. It’s me taking on the mountain of flaws this man has. ‘I’ll never let you have me again,’ I vow. ‘Not ever.’ The grit in my tone is a surprise.
‘It’s undoubtedly a good thing,’ he barely whispers, taking another step away from me, like he’s concerned that if I’m within touching distance, he might contradict his words. ‘Be safe, Livy.’
The double meaning in his statement is an insult. ‘I’m safe now,’ I proclaim, turning my back on a man clearly torn and walking away from him for the last time ever.
My despair has vanished at his cowardly words and actions. I know how he feels. He knows how he feels – which makes him a weak, spineless coward.
Now all I want to do is hurt him. I want to take the most resilient part of him and destroy it.
Chapter Twenty-Four
It’s past nine at night, and I’m wiped out by overflowing emotion, but my vengeful mind won’t allow me to sleep. I’m being spurred on, encouraged by resentment to stick the knife in and twist it continuously. Four missed calls from William haven’t helped my state of mind. If anything, it’s only encouraged me. I know without question that I’m about to prove him right once and for all. I’m my mother’s daughter.
I no longer have my Ice membership card, but it won’t stop me. Nothing will stop me. Bypassing the short queue, I present myself to the doorman, who performs a sigh of exasperation before granting me access without a word. I strut past him and head straight for one of the bars, taking in my surroundings, the music, the happy atmosphere. The music tonight seems dark, and playing right now is Faithless’s ‘Insomnia’. It’s purposeful. It’s apt.
‘Champagne,’ I order, resting my arse against the bar and gazing around at the blue glow engulfing Miller’s club. It’s rammed full of London’s elite, the usual masses of well-dressed revellers filling every available space, but despite the amount of people closing me in from every direction, I know the security cameras will be focused on me and me alone. Miller will have given Tony the heads-up, and I’ve no doubt the doorman has already advised Tony of my arrival.
‘Miss?’
I turn and accept the glass of champagne, ignoring the strawberry and downing it. Then I immediately demand another. I’m handed a fresh glass and, as I turn, I spot Tony striding across the dance floor in my direction. He looks fuming mad, and knowing what’s about to transpire, I disappear amid the sea of people, taking off towards the roof terrace.
‘Yes, he is,’ he spits, leaning down and pulling my waiflike frame from the floor. ‘I was stupid to think I could do this.’
‘Do what?’
He recoils and releases me, waving up and down my body. ‘This!’
‘You mean feel?’ I smack him on the chest. ‘You mean love?’
His mouth snaps shut and he steps back, clearly fighting to control his twitching body. ‘I can’t love you.’
‘Don’t,’ I murmur pitifully. ‘Don’t say that.’
‘The truth hurts, Olivia.’
‘It’s that woman from last night, isn’t it?’ I ask, her smug face suddenly all I see through my fear. ‘Sophia. What did she say?’
‘It’s got nothing to do with her.’ He stalks from the bathroom, and I know it’s because I’m working my way closer to the issue.
‘Did you really want to stop?’
‘Yes!’ he barks, swinging around and nailing me with incensed eyes, but he soon backs down, realising what he’s said. ‘No!’
‘Yes or no?’ I scream.
‘No!’
‘What’s happened since last night when you came back to bed?’
‘Too f**king much!’ He’s gone from my sight, slipping into the wardrobe. I go after him again and watch as he yanks on some shorts and a T-shirt. ‘You’re young. You’ll get over me.’ He’s refusing to look at me or acknowledge my words, the coward.
‘Do you want me to get over you?’
‘Yes, you deserve more than I can give. I told you from the start, Livy. I’m emotionally unavailable.’
‘And since then you’ve worshipped me and given me everything you’ve hidden from the world.’ I keep my eyes on empty blues, desperately trying to find something in them. ‘You’ve destroyed me.’
‘Don’t say that!’ he yells, guilt clear in his tone and expression. He knows it to be true. ‘I brought you back to life.’
‘Congratulations!’ I scream, outraged. ‘Yes! You did, but the moment I saw light and hope, you’ve cruelly slayed me.’
He recoils at my words that are nothing but truth, and with no worthy response, he passes me to escape his wrongs, ensuring no contact is made. ‘I have to go away.’
‘Where?’
‘Paris. I leave at noon.’
A sharp inhale of breath chokes me. The city of love? ‘You’re going with that woman, aren’t you?’ My heart is completely severed now, the thought of Miller, posh women, restraints, money, and gifts . . .
And all I can see is my mother’s beautiful, selfish face. My face. And now Miller’s face.
He will not do this to me! ‘I’ll get over you.’ I straighten my shoulders and watch as he halts at the sound of my even promise. ‘I’ll make sure of it.’
He slowly turns and gives me warning eyes. I couldn’t care less. ‘Don’t do anything stupid, Livy.’
‘You’ve just relinquished your right to make requests, so you’ll forgive me if I choose to ignore you.’ I barge past him, fully aware of what I’m doing and totally prepared to see my threat through.
‘Livy!’
‘Have a nice trip.’ I retrieve my damp dress and throw it on as I make my way through his apartment.
‘Livy, it’s not as easy as just stopping.’ He’s coming after me, the sound of his bare feet slapping on the marble floor behind me getting louder as I hurry to the door. He’s concerned now, my indirect promise spiking his possessive streak. He doesn’t want another man to taste me. ‘Livy!’ I feel him grab my arm, and I swing around, boiling with rage, finding the mask lifting slightly. But the smidgen of hope doesn’t stop me from lashing his cheek with my palm. His head snaps to the side and remains there while I attempt in vain to cool my temper.
‘Yes! You should have let me walk away from you!’ I fire with complete resoluteness. ‘You should have let me forget!’
His face slowly comes back to me. ‘I didn’t want you to remember me like that. I didn’t want you to hate me.’
I laugh, stunned by his selfish motives. He doesn’t care what anyone else thinks of him. But me? I’m different? ‘How honourable of you, but you’ve made a fatal mistake, Miller Hart.’
He looks wary as he drops his hold of me. ‘How?’
‘Because I hate you more now than I ever did when you made me one of your whores! Now you’re just a coward. Now you’re a quitter, a chicken!’ I gulp down some calming breaths, feeling ashamed of my desperate behaviour and begging. He knows how I feel, and I know how he feels, yet he’s the one walking away, when it’s me who would be taking the biggest leap of faith here. It’s me going against all of my rules and morals. It’s me taking on the mountain of flaws this man has. ‘I’ll never let you have me again,’ I vow. ‘Not ever.’ The grit in my tone is a surprise.
‘It’s undoubtedly a good thing,’ he barely whispers, taking another step away from me, like he’s concerned that if I’m within touching distance, he might contradict his words. ‘Be safe, Livy.’
The double meaning in his statement is an insult. ‘I’m safe now,’ I proclaim, turning my back on a man clearly torn and walking away from him for the last time ever.
My despair has vanished at his cowardly words and actions. I know how he feels. He knows how he feels – which makes him a weak, spineless coward.
Now all I want to do is hurt him. I want to take the most resilient part of him and destroy it.
Chapter Twenty-Four
It’s past nine at night, and I’m wiped out by overflowing emotion, but my vengeful mind won’t allow me to sleep. I’m being spurred on, encouraged by resentment to stick the knife in and twist it continuously. Four missed calls from William haven’t helped my state of mind. If anything, it’s only encouraged me. I know without question that I’m about to prove him right once and for all. I’m my mother’s daughter.
I no longer have my Ice membership card, but it won’t stop me. Nothing will stop me. Bypassing the short queue, I present myself to the doorman, who performs a sigh of exasperation before granting me access without a word. I strut past him and head straight for one of the bars, taking in my surroundings, the music, the happy atmosphere. The music tonight seems dark, and playing right now is Faithless’s ‘Insomnia’. It’s purposeful. It’s apt.
‘Champagne,’ I order, resting my arse against the bar and gazing around at the blue glow engulfing Miller’s club. It’s rammed full of London’s elite, the usual masses of well-dressed revellers filling every available space, but despite the amount of people closing me in from every direction, I know the security cameras will be focused on me and me alone. Miller will have given Tony the heads-up, and I’ve no doubt the doorman has already advised Tony of my arrival.
‘Miss?’
I turn and accept the glass of champagne, ignoring the strawberry and downing it. Then I immediately demand another. I’m handed a fresh glass and, as I turn, I spot Tony striding across the dance floor in my direction. He looks fuming mad, and knowing what’s about to transpire, I disappear amid the sea of people, taking off towards the roof terrace.
