Destroyed
Page 50
Every spark that existed between us fried my brain, kick-started my heart, and consumed my senses. I breathed in smoke and metal. I pressed against firm muscle and body heat. I was nothing but his.
His.
His.
His.
I was alive, wanted, worshipped. I believed his promises. He would never run again. He would fight beside me and love me always.
I broke.
Tears cascaded into a soul-grieving waterfall. I stood mute and frozen in his arms as Clara filled my thoughts.
“I don’t want you to be sad. I don’t like it when you’re sad.”
The breeze twirled around us and I swore I heard her whisper, “I’m glad you’re not fighting anymore. Don’t fight, mummy. Save him.”
“Hug me back,” Fox murmured, pressing a kiss on my ear. His lips sent tingles and love right into my heart. It didn’t feel right falling so deeply only moments after my daughter’s funeral. Propriety and heartbreak tried to stop me from reeling into a future where I might just learn how to be happy.
Fox squeezed me harder, kissing the salty tears running down my face. “Hug me, goddammit. I need you to touch me. I need to show you I can be who you deserve. I need to know I haven’t ruined everything.”
“He needs you, mummy.”
With Clara in my thoughts, I tentatively raised my arms and looped them around his back. The moment I touched him, he tensed.
I froze, battling hope and fear inside me. He said I had a power over him. That wasn’t true. He had a power over me: he could snap my spine and steal my life and in that very moment I wouldn’t have cared. His arms were an aphrodisiac, a heady promise that made me sacrifice my life all too easily.
Fox’s body shuddered around mine, feeling like a taut string about to snap. “Hug me harder. I can do this,” he whispered. He sounded strangled, out of breath.
When I didn’t obey, he clutched me tighter. “Do it, Zel.”
Thinking of Clara and how much I wished it was her I hugged, I wrapped my arms harder, banding like a prison around his waist. If he killed me at least I would be with her sooner than I’d planned. I could stop fighting for everything that I wanted and just rest.
Fox shuddered, stiffened, jerked, but he kept his promise and didn’t hurt me. His biceps twitched against my arms as he gathered me even closer, as if he could weld us together.
My mind swam with connection; my body sparked and tripped everywhere he touched. Now I knew what it felt like touching your perfect other—the missing half.
Fox nuzzled my neck, his hot breath caressing me. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. I left because it was the only option. I did it to keep you safe—to give you a future. I want to deserve you, Zel, and never put you at risk again. I know I’ll never deserve you, but let me serve you with my life. Let me spend every day trying to be better so one day you can love me.”
My legs threatened to buckle as weakness filled me. Weakness for what he offered. Weakness for needing him.
I do love you and that’s what cripples me.
With my last reserves, I tried to stop the inevitable. “You were meant to help me save her. You were meant to save me.” I sucked in a breath, running out of oxygen as grief took me hostage once more. “You—you—” My voice broke and my heart died all over again. “You were supposed to save both of us, yet you didn’t. She died, Roan. She’s—she’s—she’s gon—” I couldn’t finish as massive sobs exploded from my lungs.
A week I’d cried but I hadn’t found comfort in tears. I hadn’t found peace or a place to heal.
But now I did.
It felt caustic and healing and purifying.
Tidal wave after tidal wave.
I let go.
My heart broke, and I crumbled. I let everything free and drenched his black shirt.
Fox held me, giving me somewhere to cling. He smoothed my hair and kissed my cheek and fed me strength just by holding me.
He gave me what I needed all along. He smashed all my reservations that he couldn’t give me what I desired and proved love could change anyone—no matter how destroyed.
“It’s okay. It’s okay. I’ve got you,” he murmured. He rocked me until my legs gave out, then scooped me into his strong arms.
I barely noticed I went from vertical to horizontal as my mind wept for everything I’d lost. Fox cuddled me close just like I’d wanted and dreamed for. His heartbeat thudded thick and loud beneath my ear, giving me an anchor to focus on.
“Don’t be sad, mummy. I don’t want you to be sad.”
“I’m here and I’m never leaving. You don’t have to fight on your own anymore, Zel.” His voice rumbled in his chest, sending shockwaves through my body.
My eyes filled with fire. A pain that burned and stabbed and lacerated as I cried and cried and cried. The eternity of relief he granted turned me from woman to puddle. The knowledge that my battles were halved; that every high and low would now be shared sent another crash of sorrow over me.
If only I’d met him sooner. If only the doctors had found out about Clara sooner. If only…if only.
“I’ll give you everything, Zel. Everything that I am.” He kissed my jaw, my temple, my cheek. He worshipped me in kisses. “Please. Don’t make me beg. I can’t do this. I can’t be apart from you. I can’t. I need you so f**king much.”
My back ached; every part of me was in pain. I was utterly ruined.
Tilting my chin upward, Fox pressed his lips against mine, drinking in the salt from my tears. He murmured against my mouth, “You’re mine, and I refuse to live without you.” He made me swallow every regret, every sadness he lived with. “You’re mine, Hazel Hunter. And I’m taking you home to heal.”
“He needs you, mummy. Go with him. Don’t be sad.”
My entire body vibrated with a potent mix of confusion, anger, and hunger. Hunger for him. Hunger for what he promised.
He didn’t wait for my reply. His tongue speared into my mouth, giving me no choice but to kiss him back. He took and he gave and he consumed, dragging unwilling desire through my blood until it throbbed in my core. He brought me back to life even though I wanted to stay wallowing in my tears. I wasn’t ready to face life without Clara. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I wasn’t ready to embrace the world he offered or the baby growing inside me.
I’m not ready.
“Please,” he whispered. His breath tickled my cheek and my traitorous body hummed. He helped dull the pain of Clara. He gave me something else to focus on.
Forgive him. Accept him.
I pulled back.
His eyes were glazed and heavy. His body wrapped around mine as if he could protect me from so many other tragic things. Almost every part of me touched every part of him. How was that possible?
Sniffing back my tears, I asked, “How can you stand to be this close?”
He shook his head. “I’ll tell you if you come home with me.”
I wanted to say no. I deserved to live in misery. I didn’t deserve any chance at happiness. Why should a parent outlive her child?
But my trials in life had taught me nothing lasted forever and the best things were fleeting—treasures to be enjoyed for however long they lasted before they were gone. Clara was too precious—too perfect to last. I’d been granted a miracle and it had ended before I was ready.
“Don’t be sad. I don’t like it when you’re sad.”
I looked over Fox’s shoulder at the horses in the field. They tossed their manes, and pawed the ground, welcoming my daughter and granting her immortality. “Okay, Clara. Okay.”
Clara taught me precious things were worth fighting for. And the ultimate prizes of life demanded payments that sometimes seemed too high.
“Okay,” I whispered.
Fox looked as if the sun had finally found its way into his soul. “Okay?”
I nodded. “Okay, I’ll come home with you. For Clara. For us.”
This was the man I was in love with.
The father of my unborn child.
The man I wouldn’t give up on.
It turned out Clue and Ben knew my decision before me. They’d left, leaving me stranded and pissed off at their blatant disregard for my choices. Clue didn’t know what Fox was capable of. I doubted they would’ve been so keen to abandon me with a man with such a tangled past had they known.
I glared at Fox’s innocent look as he carried me to his Porsche. I had no doubt he had something to do with Clue and Ben leaving with no qualms to my safety.
Then my heart melted at the thought of him securing such an amazing place for Clara to find peace. He’d been thinking of her, even when he’d left.
“Thank you,” I said as Fox placed me ever so gently into the expensive car and buckled me in. A gust of chocolate caught me from his hair; my stomach fluttered with how attentive and caring he was.
“For what?” He stood upright, the grey clouds framing his black-clad body.
“For this.” I nodded at the field and the horses. “For caring enough. For giving her a piece of yourself.”
He rolled his shoulders and sniffed. Avoiding my eyes, he said, “I wanted to make her dreams come true. I thought if she was placed here, she’d eventually become part of the horse, evolve into…more. Become what she always wanted.”
My throat closed up, and I dropped my eyes. Who was this man? This damaged, scarred, enigma of a man? I loved the thought of Clara evolving—always happy. I loved his reasoning behind his choice of resting spot.
I didn’t take my eyes off Fox as he walked around the front of the car and climbed into the driver’s side. He moved with a heavy blanket of sadness around his shoulders—muted and solemn.
The engine roared then purred as he turned the key. He glanced over. “Ready?”
Never.
Panic clawed back and it took all my willpower to stay in the car.
The rock lodged in my throat again but I nodded. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”
Fox grimaced and put the car into gear.
We didn’t say a word as he negotiated the dirt track down to the road. Every metre my heart suffocated more and more. I’m leaving her behind!
Fuck, it was hard. So hard.
At the end of the field path, Fox climbed out and undid the gate. His back flexed as he dragged the barricade across mud. Returning to the car, he drove through, shut the large metal behind us, and turned left onto tarmacked highway.
Tears glazed my eyes as the sun broke through the clouds again, shining light on the hills behind us. I never wanted to leave. Never wanted to think about Clara all alone in a field with no shelter. I should’ve built a tent, a shrine, something to grant her safety.
She doesn’t need anything. She’s gone.
Tears pressed again. As much as it killed me—I had to remember she was above physical needs. She was free.
Fox smiled in my direction, but we didn’t say anything. Both too raw, too hurt knowing that the little soul that’d brought us closer together would no longer be with us.
Speeding toward civilization, I balled my hands and tried to keep my nerves to a minimum. Every kilometre, I slunk further and further into my seat. I didn’t want to return to Obsidian. I didn’t think I would survive walking into the house where Clara had drawn her last breath. I never wanted to step foot in that place again.
The tension in the car throbbed and my skin was hyper-sensitive for his touch. After staring death in the face, I needed reminding of life. I needed to believe that Clue was right and there was such a thing as reincarnation or a better life. I needed Fox to remind me that I couldn’t give up.
Fox slowed for a traffic light. His hand disappeared into his pocket and pulled out Clara’s star necklace.
I sucked in a huge breath. The tinkling pieces of my heart rattled in my chest as he reverently clasped it around his neck. He stroked the silver, a look of love and misery on his face.
I looked away, unable to bear the sharp arrows of sadness piercing my soul. The pain of her death was shared—by a man who’d known her for such a little time. A man I still didn’t really know.
The light turned green and Fox sighed heavily. Throwing the car into gear, we zoomed down roads and through suburbs I didn’t recognise.
Kilometre after kilometre, we remained in silence. Either too wrapped up in Clara to risk speaking or figuring out if our argument had cleared the air enough to start anew.
He looked so odd, so fierce, wearing a simple silver star. Up till now, the only adornment he wore were his scars and tattoos, but I knew in my heart he would never take it off. Every time I looked at him wearing it, I would remember her. Just as it should be.
“Where did you go?” I asked as we travelled down roads and through city mania.
He glanced at me, his knuckles turning white around the steering wheel. “I went to deal with something.”
A chill sent goosebumps down my back. “You were in another fight.”
“What makes you say that?”
I shrugged. I couldn’t explain the change in him when he fought—the ease, or relief from whatever demons he suffered. Yet, this time, he seemed lighter—more grounded than I’d ever seen him. “You seem different.” He was…softer. His grey-white eyes weren’t as haunted, as if he’d decided finally to put his past behind him.
“Do you know why I fight? Can you understand the need to find an outlet from internal pain?” He looked over quickly before focusing again on the road.
“Yes. I can understand that.”
“Can you understand when I say fighting to me is a medicine? But it’s the pain that’s my salvation. I self-harm because I haven’t found any other way to free the darkness inside.”
His.
His.
His.
I was alive, wanted, worshipped. I believed his promises. He would never run again. He would fight beside me and love me always.
I broke.
Tears cascaded into a soul-grieving waterfall. I stood mute and frozen in his arms as Clara filled my thoughts.
“I don’t want you to be sad. I don’t like it when you’re sad.”
The breeze twirled around us and I swore I heard her whisper, “I’m glad you’re not fighting anymore. Don’t fight, mummy. Save him.”
“Hug me back,” Fox murmured, pressing a kiss on my ear. His lips sent tingles and love right into my heart. It didn’t feel right falling so deeply only moments after my daughter’s funeral. Propriety and heartbreak tried to stop me from reeling into a future where I might just learn how to be happy.
Fox squeezed me harder, kissing the salty tears running down my face. “Hug me, goddammit. I need you to touch me. I need to show you I can be who you deserve. I need to know I haven’t ruined everything.”
“He needs you, mummy.”
With Clara in my thoughts, I tentatively raised my arms and looped them around his back. The moment I touched him, he tensed.
I froze, battling hope and fear inside me. He said I had a power over him. That wasn’t true. He had a power over me: he could snap my spine and steal my life and in that very moment I wouldn’t have cared. His arms were an aphrodisiac, a heady promise that made me sacrifice my life all too easily.
Fox’s body shuddered around mine, feeling like a taut string about to snap. “Hug me harder. I can do this,” he whispered. He sounded strangled, out of breath.
When I didn’t obey, he clutched me tighter. “Do it, Zel.”
Thinking of Clara and how much I wished it was her I hugged, I wrapped my arms harder, banding like a prison around his waist. If he killed me at least I would be with her sooner than I’d planned. I could stop fighting for everything that I wanted and just rest.
Fox shuddered, stiffened, jerked, but he kept his promise and didn’t hurt me. His biceps twitched against my arms as he gathered me even closer, as if he could weld us together.
My mind swam with connection; my body sparked and tripped everywhere he touched. Now I knew what it felt like touching your perfect other—the missing half.
Fox nuzzled my neck, his hot breath caressing me. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. I left because it was the only option. I did it to keep you safe—to give you a future. I want to deserve you, Zel, and never put you at risk again. I know I’ll never deserve you, but let me serve you with my life. Let me spend every day trying to be better so one day you can love me.”
My legs threatened to buckle as weakness filled me. Weakness for what he offered. Weakness for needing him.
I do love you and that’s what cripples me.
With my last reserves, I tried to stop the inevitable. “You were meant to help me save her. You were meant to save me.” I sucked in a breath, running out of oxygen as grief took me hostage once more. “You—you—” My voice broke and my heart died all over again. “You were supposed to save both of us, yet you didn’t. She died, Roan. She’s—she’s—she’s gon—” I couldn’t finish as massive sobs exploded from my lungs.
A week I’d cried but I hadn’t found comfort in tears. I hadn’t found peace or a place to heal.
But now I did.
It felt caustic and healing and purifying.
Tidal wave after tidal wave.
I let go.
My heart broke, and I crumbled. I let everything free and drenched his black shirt.
Fox held me, giving me somewhere to cling. He smoothed my hair and kissed my cheek and fed me strength just by holding me.
He gave me what I needed all along. He smashed all my reservations that he couldn’t give me what I desired and proved love could change anyone—no matter how destroyed.
“It’s okay. It’s okay. I’ve got you,” he murmured. He rocked me until my legs gave out, then scooped me into his strong arms.
I barely noticed I went from vertical to horizontal as my mind wept for everything I’d lost. Fox cuddled me close just like I’d wanted and dreamed for. His heartbeat thudded thick and loud beneath my ear, giving me an anchor to focus on.
“Don’t be sad, mummy. I don’t want you to be sad.”
“I’m here and I’m never leaving. You don’t have to fight on your own anymore, Zel.” His voice rumbled in his chest, sending shockwaves through my body.
My eyes filled with fire. A pain that burned and stabbed and lacerated as I cried and cried and cried. The eternity of relief he granted turned me from woman to puddle. The knowledge that my battles were halved; that every high and low would now be shared sent another crash of sorrow over me.
If only I’d met him sooner. If only the doctors had found out about Clara sooner. If only…if only.
“I’ll give you everything, Zel. Everything that I am.” He kissed my jaw, my temple, my cheek. He worshipped me in kisses. “Please. Don’t make me beg. I can’t do this. I can’t be apart from you. I can’t. I need you so f**king much.”
My back ached; every part of me was in pain. I was utterly ruined.
Tilting my chin upward, Fox pressed his lips against mine, drinking in the salt from my tears. He murmured against my mouth, “You’re mine, and I refuse to live without you.” He made me swallow every regret, every sadness he lived with. “You’re mine, Hazel Hunter. And I’m taking you home to heal.”
“He needs you, mummy. Go with him. Don’t be sad.”
My entire body vibrated with a potent mix of confusion, anger, and hunger. Hunger for him. Hunger for what he promised.
He didn’t wait for my reply. His tongue speared into my mouth, giving me no choice but to kiss him back. He took and he gave and he consumed, dragging unwilling desire through my blood until it throbbed in my core. He brought me back to life even though I wanted to stay wallowing in my tears. I wasn’t ready to face life without Clara. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I wasn’t ready to embrace the world he offered or the baby growing inside me.
I’m not ready.
“Please,” he whispered. His breath tickled my cheek and my traitorous body hummed. He helped dull the pain of Clara. He gave me something else to focus on.
Forgive him. Accept him.
I pulled back.
His eyes were glazed and heavy. His body wrapped around mine as if he could protect me from so many other tragic things. Almost every part of me touched every part of him. How was that possible?
Sniffing back my tears, I asked, “How can you stand to be this close?”
He shook his head. “I’ll tell you if you come home with me.”
I wanted to say no. I deserved to live in misery. I didn’t deserve any chance at happiness. Why should a parent outlive her child?
But my trials in life had taught me nothing lasted forever and the best things were fleeting—treasures to be enjoyed for however long they lasted before they were gone. Clara was too precious—too perfect to last. I’d been granted a miracle and it had ended before I was ready.
“Don’t be sad. I don’t like it when you’re sad.”
I looked over Fox’s shoulder at the horses in the field. They tossed their manes, and pawed the ground, welcoming my daughter and granting her immortality. “Okay, Clara. Okay.”
Clara taught me precious things were worth fighting for. And the ultimate prizes of life demanded payments that sometimes seemed too high.
“Okay,” I whispered.
Fox looked as if the sun had finally found its way into his soul. “Okay?”
I nodded. “Okay, I’ll come home with you. For Clara. For us.”
This was the man I was in love with.
The father of my unborn child.
The man I wouldn’t give up on.
It turned out Clue and Ben knew my decision before me. They’d left, leaving me stranded and pissed off at their blatant disregard for my choices. Clue didn’t know what Fox was capable of. I doubted they would’ve been so keen to abandon me with a man with such a tangled past had they known.
I glared at Fox’s innocent look as he carried me to his Porsche. I had no doubt he had something to do with Clue and Ben leaving with no qualms to my safety.
Then my heart melted at the thought of him securing such an amazing place for Clara to find peace. He’d been thinking of her, even when he’d left.
“Thank you,” I said as Fox placed me ever so gently into the expensive car and buckled me in. A gust of chocolate caught me from his hair; my stomach fluttered with how attentive and caring he was.
“For what?” He stood upright, the grey clouds framing his black-clad body.
“For this.” I nodded at the field and the horses. “For caring enough. For giving her a piece of yourself.”
He rolled his shoulders and sniffed. Avoiding my eyes, he said, “I wanted to make her dreams come true. I thought if she was placed here, she’d eventually become part of the horse, evolve into…more. Become what she always wanted.”
My throat closed up, and I dropped my eyes. Who was this man? This damaged, scarred, enigma of a man? I loved the thought of Clara evolving—always happy. I loved his reasoning behind his choice of resting spot.
I didn’t take my eyes off Fox as he walked around the front of the car and climbed into the driver’s side. He moved with a heavy blanket of sadness around his shoulders—muted and solemn.
The engine roared then purred as he turned the key. He glanced over. “Ready?”
Never.
Panic clawed back and it took all my willpower to stay in the car.
The rock lodged in my throat again but I nodded. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”
Fox grimaced and put the car into gear.
We didn’t say a word as he negotiated the dirt track down to the road. Every metre my heart suffocated more and more. I’m leaving her behind!
Fuck, it was hard. So hard.
At the end of the field path, Fox climbed out and undid the gate. His back flexed as he dragged the barricade across mud. Returning to the car, he drove through, shut the large metal behind us, and turned left onto tarmacked highway.
Tears glazed my eyes as the sun broke through the clouds again, shining light on the hills behind us. I never wanted to leave. Never wanted to think about Clara all alone in a field with no shelter. I should’ve built a tent, a shrine, something to grant her safety.
She doesn’t need anything. She’s gone.
Tears pressed again. As much as it killed me—I had to remember she was above physical needs. She was free.
Fox smiled in my direction, but we didn’t say anything. Both too raw, too hurt knowing that the little soul that’d brought us closer together would no longer be with us.
Speeding toward civilization, I balled my hands and tried to keep my nerves to a minimum. Every kilometre, I slunk further and further into my seat. I didn’t want to return to Obsidian. I didn’t think I would survive walking into the house where Clara had drawn her last breath. I never wanted to step foot in that place again.
The tension in the car throbbed and my skin was hyper-sensitive for his touch. After staring death in the face, I needed reminding of life. I needed to believe that Clue was right and there was such a thing as reincarnation or a better life. I needed Fox to remind me that I couldn’t give up.
Fox slowed for a traffic light. His hand disappeared into his pocket and pulled out Clara’s star necklace.
I sucked in a huge breath. The tinkling pieces of my heart rattled in my chest as he reverently clasped it around his neck. He stroked the silver, a look of love and misery on his face.
I looked away, unable to bear the sharp arrows of sadness piercing my soul. The pain of her death was shared—by a man who’d known her for such a little time. A man I still didn’t really know.
The light turned green and Fox sighed heavily. Throwing the car into gear, we zoomed down roads and through suburbs I didn’t recognise.
Kilometre after kilometre, we remained in silence. Either too wrapped up in Clara to risk speaking or figuring out if our argument had cleared the air enough to start anew.
He looked so odd, so fierce, wearing a simple silver star. Up till now, the only adornment he wore were his scars and tattoos, but I knew in my heart he would never take it off. Every time I looked at him wearing it, I would remember her. Just as it should be.
“Where did you go?” I asked as we travelled down roads and through city mania.
He glanced at me, his knuckles turning white around the steering wheel. “I went to deal with something.”
A chill sent goosebumps down my back. “You were in another fight.”
“What makes you say that?”
I shrugged. I couldn’t explain the change in him when he fought—the ease, or relief from whatever demons he suffered. Yet, this time, he seemed lighter—more grounded than I’d ever seen him. “You seem different.” He was…softer. His grey-white eyes weren’t as haunted, as if he’d decided finally to put his past behind him.
“Do you know why I fight? Can you understand the need to find an outlet from internal pain?” He looked over quickly before focusing again on the road.
“Yes. I can understand that.”
“Can you understand when I say fighting to me is a medicine? But it’s the pain that’s my salvation. I self-harm because I haven’t found any other way to free the darkness inside.”
