Destroyed
Page 56
I loved my perfect world, but I was exhausted for trying to be just as perfect. No matter how hard I tried, I would never fit in.
“Operative Fox, you will hold your son right now,” Hazel commanded in the voice she knew would give me no choice.
Obey. Obey. Obey.
“Goddammit, Hazel.” I glared, hating her for a brief moment for using the power against me. “You broke your vow, dobycha. I don’t appreciate being made to do something that might end up destroying me.”
Her shoulders slumped but eyes flashed with green fire. “I’m doing it for your own good.”
My limbs were no longer mine to control. They’d been given an order and I had no choice but to move forward and obey. Damn her. Damn me. Damn everything.
I rolled my shoulders, trying to dispel my anger. I loved her for wanting to help, but I was pissed.
How dare she break her promise? How dare she force me to do this?
That’s why I hadn’t wanted another owner. Willpower was never my own. It sucked ass not having a choice over my own f**king destiny.
I stood vibrating, looming over the cots. Don’t do it.
Obey. Obey. Obey.
I can’t!
My muscles hurt with disobeying but they were so tiny. So vulnerable.
Zel sighed heavily. The bedding rustled as she moved against the pillow. “I take it back, Roan. Operative Fox, you no longer have to obey.”
The release on my body was instantaneous. The crippling urge to scoop up my infants gone in a gust of relief.
I sucked in a breath. “Thank you.”
“I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair of me. But, Roan. Hold your son. You have to do it eventually. He can’t grow up with a father who won’t touch him.” She looked pointedly at the sleeping boy. “You’re the one who committed to this. So do it.”
I didn’t want to do any of this. I wanted the twins back inside Zel where they could be safe forever.
“Fucking hell,” I muttered.
“I heard that,” she snapped. “Watch what you say around them. You don’t want their first word to be a curse. And watch your emotions around them, too. You don’t want them to feed off your anger or frustration.”
I whirled to face her. “Then why the hell do you want me to pick him up! Aren’t I safer over here?” I stalked to the other side of the room, breathing hard. I hated the way my muscles wanted to obey and pick up the delicate bundle of baby, but I didn’t have it in me. I didn’t have the strength.
I’ll kill him.
I’d be responsible for yet another death. Another murder of a life called Vasily. I. Couldn’t. Fucking. Do. It.
Zel huffed, looking like a queen in her blue nightgown. “Don’t make me command you again. Don’t think I won’t do it. You know you’ll have no choice and you need to make this your choice, Roan.” Zel’s face softened. “I trust you; otherwise I wouldn’t tell you to do it. As much as I love you, I wouldn’t let you near Vasily and Vera if I thought you’d hurt them.”
My heart swelled, and I almost fell to my f**king knees. It never got old hearing that she loved me. She—this perfect woman who put up with all my f**king bullshit. I also loved the way she said their names. It was like conjuring the family I barely remembered. Making me whole for the first time in my life.
Ah, f**k. She was right.
I had to do it. I had to face my fear and win.
Clenching my jaw, I moved back toward the basinets and bent over the tiny newborns.
With my heart in my throat, I placed shaking hands around the thick blue blanket and scooped up the lightest human being I’d ever held.
Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.
The conditioning crescendod through me with the power of a wrecking ball.
No!
My muscles locked down as I stood shaking and terrified. My jaw ached, battling the conditioning, forcing myself to hold on.
He was so light and tiny. So fragile. It was utterly dangerous for me to be anywhere near him.
Keeping him far away from me, I looked into his screwed up, frankly ugly, little face. The blue hat made him look like a shrivelled up old man.
You’re mine.
He’s mine.
The bond that exploded through my heart almost beat back the conditioning.
Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.
“Support him against you.” Zel laughed quietly. “He’ll feel unprotected at arm’s length like that.”
What was this woman trying to do to me? Fuck this was hard. Turning to face her, I demanded, “You have him. I can’t do it.”
She pursed her lips. “You’re holding him. You can do this.”
Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.
My head shook wildly. “No. I can't. It’s back. It’s worse. I don’t—I can’t—”
Zel didn’t say a word, but her eyes gave me the final order.
Cuddle him.
How the hell could a machine like me cuddle an infant? Cursing my past and everything in my head, I slowly brought Vasily against my body and pressed him into the crook of my arm.
Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.
The second his weightless form and barely there warmth hit my body, my world ended.
Wolves howled.
Guns fired.
Swords clashed.
A vortex consumed me, ripping me into shreds, tearing my brain apart. I hurled down and down into dark recesses of my mind, careening me from hospital room to the last clear memory of my childhood.
“Don’t go too far, Roan. Dinner isn’t far away, and your father will be home soon.” I smiled at my perfect mother. Reaching up to play with her red curls, I nodded. “I promise.”
I broke that f**king promise and brought the apocalypse on my entire family.
Trees creaked.
The moon shone silver.
My teeth ached as I fought, f**king fought, the conditioning
Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.
I’d never be free. I had to die. I had to kill myself.
“Roan! Roan!”
With my free hand, I clutched my skull as clanking bells echoed in my ears.
Louder and louder.
Bells and chimes and trumpets.
Every brainwash, every bar and chain I’d been trapped in started unravelling.
Faster and faster, padlock after padlock.
Every inch of my past and torture ceased to exist. Every switch and order that made me the obedient machine I was disintegrated.
Wind whistled.
Ice prickled.
Freedom fell like rain.
Every shackle and programed obedience slithered out of my brain, thudding at my feet with the sounds of clunking iron. Standing still, barely breathing in case it was all a dream, I burst into life as everything filthy and tainted in my mind erupted into flames and dissolved into ash.
Sun shone.
Butterflies flew.
Laughter filled my ears.
My world spun and spun. Throwing me out of my old existence, leaving me homeless and adrift.
Then a new world began. A world I never hoped dream for. A world where my thoughts were my own and nobody could strip them from me.
The vortex that’d stolen me from hospital to past dumped me back into reality. But it wasn’t the same one as before. It wasn’t the same subspace or even the same galaxy.
My past had gone forever.
My future was f**king bright and clean.
Birds chirped.
Love swelled.
Blissful happiness filled my heart.
I opened my eyes.
Zel was halfway out of bed, clutching her abdomen where fresh stitches held her together. Panic covered her face with damp sweat while her eyes were wild with terror. “Don’t. Stop it! Don’t hurt him!”
I raced to catch her before she passed out and fell flat on her face. “Zel, no!”
Holding my son in one arm, I pushed the woman I was going to marry back into bed and brought the sheet up over her shuddering body. Her face was ashen, waxy with stress.
My heart hadn’t known such love. I’d never believed I could feel so f**king happy.
I stood numbly, drinking in how much I loved her. How much she’d given me.
She snatched Vasily from my arms, hugging him close. Tears glassed her eyes.
“Goddammit, Roan. You almost gave me a f**king heart attack.” She curved her body around Vasily. He began to cry under her fierce embrace.
His wails were music to my ears because there was nothing else. No orders. No rush of conditioning.
All there was were the harsh shrieks of my son and the ragged pants of the woman I adored.
I felt like f**king laughing.
Livid tears spilled down her cheeks. “What the hell were you doing? My God. Can I never trust you? Will you never be free?” Her body shook as shock took over. “How can we raise them together if you can’t ever be around them? What hope is there? What—”
It wasn’t fair that she was so distraught and I was walking on air.
Grabbing her chin, I jerked her mouth up and kissed her. I kissed her like I’d always wanted to. With my entire soul.
I didn’t have to fight anything. I didn’t have to watch my thoughts or guard myself against her touch.
It was f**king heaven.
Twenty-eight years and I’d finally found what I’d always wanted.
Happiness.
Her lips froze beneath mine. I tasted salt from her tears and sorrow from her tongue. Pulling away, I murmured, “Don’t cry.”
Her eyes widened as she rocked a screaming Vasily. “Don’t cry? If I can’t cry over the fact I love a man who can’t be around his children what can I cry about? It’s hopeless. Everything—it’s over.”
My stomach twisted at the desolation in her voice.
“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live in fear that I’ll find you’ve ransacked the nursery or stolen our children’s lives. I want you gone—”
The dagger went straight through my heart. There was no conditioning to wade through or fog of anger. Everything affected me a hundred times stronger. A thousand times deeper.
It was like exposing myself to a whole new existence where the sun burned my skin, tears dissolved my will, and Zel’s sadness ripped out my heart with claws.
“Don’t. It’s over, dobycha. It’s over.”
She sniffed, dropping her eyes. “I know it’s over. It has to be.” A sob escaped her lips.
Something monumental had happened. Something I never dreamed was possible. And instead of celebrating she was trying to cut me out of her life.
I’m not letting you go. Ever.
Prying one of her arms from around Vasily's shoulders, I tugged her hand toward me.
Her lips popped open. She fought me. “Let me go. Stop it.” Her eyes narrowed. “Take your hands off me, Operative Fox.”
I paused, tensing for a wave of conditioning, so used to obeying all my life.
Nothing.
Heavenly nothing.
Blessed f**king nothing.
No rush of orders.
No crush of commands.
No debilitating need to kill.
I smiled and unwound her tight fingers. “You said you trusted me. Trust me one last time.” My voice even sounded different. Less gruff. Less bound to a past I’d always run from.
Zel froze, then let her hand go slack. She never took her eyes off me as I very carefully laid her hand on my forearm.
I looked up, drowning in her emerald gaze. “What do you see?”
She shook her head. “I don’t understand. What are you trying to do?”
I removed her hand and put it against my chest, directly over my heart. Her body tensed, feeling the racing beat beneath her fingertips. Her fear surrounded me but slowly a trace of hope filled her eyes.
“What do you feel?” I murmured.
She gasped, twitching her fingers against my chest. Her touch sent boomerangs of aliveness and heat through me. Branding me. Making me hers. Always hers.
“You’re different.” Cocking her head, she narrowed her eyes. “What happened? What’s changed? I don’t understand.”
I laughed, feeling weightless.
Guiding her hand up my chest, I shivered as her gentle touch came up my throat and tangled with Clara’s silver star around my neck. Her face spasmed with grief before I brought her fingers up and up, until her entire palm cupped my scarred cheek.
I never let her touch my scar.
I hated it.
It was hotwired to my conditioning.
It ruled my life for so long.
Dropping my fingers from hers, I whispered, “What do you sense?”
The hope she’d nursed exploded into her entire body. Vasily stopped crying and a brilliant smile lit her tear-streaked face. “It’s gone?”
My heart expanded until I couldn’t breathe. My legs wobbled in sheer gratefulness.
“Oh, my God. Roan… it’s true?”
Shivers captured my skin sending goosebumps and every emotion that had been muted all my life over my skin. Love exploded my heart. I nodded. “It’s gone. All of it. Every last bit.”
Her hand clutched my cheek harder, dropped to cup my chin. “Are you sure?” Her eyes danced with hope and hesitation.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to dance. I couldn’t stand still with the joy frothing in my stomach. “Positive. Every bad thing inside. Every f**ked-up need to obey. Every mind-twisting command is gone. It’s disappeared.”
She went from ashen to f**king glowing. Fresh tears filled her eyes, but this time they beamed with happiness. “You’re free?”
I laughed, stepping backward.
Every movement was lighter.
My vision brighter.
“I’m free.”
“I’m normal.”
I’m a father.
My eyes wrenched wide and I spun around. I was a father and I was free. I’d never thought I could have so much.
“Operative Fox, you will hold your son right now,” Hazel commanded in the voice she knew would give me no choice.
Obey. Obey. Obey.
“Goddammit, Hazel.” I glared, hating her for a brief moment for using the power against me. “You broke your vow, dobycha. I don’t appreciate being made to do something that might end up destroying me.”
Her shoulders slumped but eyes flashed with green fire. “I’m doing it for your own good.”
My limbs were no longer mine to control. They’d been given an order and I had no choice but to move forward and obey. Damn her. Damn me. Damn everything.
I rolled my shoulders, trying to dispel my anger. I loved her for wanting to help, but I was pissed.
How dare she break her promise? How dare she force me to do this?
That’s why I hadn’t wanted another owner. Willpower was never my own. It sucked ass not having a choice over my own f**king destiny.
I stood vibrating, looming over the cots. Don’t do it.
Obey. Obey. Obey.
I can’t!
My muscles hurt with disobeying but they were so tiny. So vulnerable.
Zel sighed heavily. The bedding rustled as she moved against the pillow. “I take it back, Roan. Operative Fox, you no longer have to obey.”
The release on my body was instantaneous. The crippling urge to scoop up my infants gone in a gust of relief.
I sucked in a breath. “Thank you.”
“I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair of me. But, Roan. Hold your son. You have to do it eventually. He can’t grow up with a father who won’t touch him.” She looked pointedly at the sleeping boy. “You’re the one who committed to this. So do it.”
I didn’t want to do any of this. I wanted the twins back inside Zel where they could be safe forever.
“Fucking hell,” I muttered.
“I heard that,” she snapped. “Watch what you say around them. You don’t want their first word to be a curse. And watch your emotions around them, too. You don’t want them to feed off your anger or frustration.”
I whirled to face her. “Then why the hell do you want me to pick him up! Aren’t I safer over here?” I stalked to the other side of the room, breathing hard. I hated the way my muscles wanted to obey and pick up the delicate bundle of baby, but I didn’t have it in me. I didn’t have the strength.
I’ll kill him.
I’d be responsible for yet another death. Another murder of a life called Vasily. I. Couldn’t. Fucking. Do. It.
Zel huffed, looking like a queen in her blue nightgown. “Don’t make me command you again. Don’t think I won’t do it. You know you’ll have no choice and you need to make this your choice, Roan.” Zel’s face softened. “I trust you; otherwise I wouldn’t tell you to do it. As much as I love you, I wouldn’t let you near Vasily and Vera if I thought you’d hurt them.”
My heart swelled, and I almost fell to my f**king knees. It never got old hearing that she loved me. She—this perfect woman who put up with all my f**king bullshit. I also loved the way she said their names. It was like conjuring the family I barely remembered. Making me whole for the first time in my life.
Ah, f**k. She was right.
I had to do it. I had to face my fear and win.
Clenching my jaw, I moved back toward the basinets and bent over the tiny newborns.
With my heart in my throat, I placed shaking hands around the thick blue blanket and scooped up the lightest human being I’d ever held.
Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.
The conditioning crescendod through me with the power of a wrecking ball.
No!
My muscles locked down as I stood shaking and terrified. My jaw ached, battling the conditioning, forcing myself to hold on.
He was so light and tiny. So fragile. It was utterly dangerous for me to be anywhere near him.
Keeping him far away from me, I looked into his screwed up, frankly ugly, little face. The blue hat made him look like a shrivelled up old man.
You’re mine.
He’s mine.
The bond that exploded through my heart almost beat back the conditioning.
Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.
“Support him against you.” Zel laughed quietly. “He’ll feel unprotected at arm’s length like that.”
What was this woman trying to do to me? Fuck this was hard. Turning to face her, I demanded, “You have him. I can’t do it.”
She pursed her lips. “You’re holding him. You can do this.”
Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.
My head shook wildly. “No. I can't. It’s back. It’s worse. I don’t—I can’t—”
Zel didn’t say a word, but her eyes gave me the final order.
Cuddle him.
How the hell could a machine like me cuddle an infant? Cursing my past and everything in my head, I slowly brought Vasily against my body and pressed him into the crook of my arm.
Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.
The second his weightless form and barely there warmth hit my body, my world ended.
Wolves howled.
Guns fired.
Swords clashed.
A vortex consumed me, ripping me into shreds, tearing my brain apart. I hurled down and down into dark recesses of my mind, careening me from hospital room to the last clear memory of my childhood.
“Don’t go too far, Roan. Dinner isn’t far away, and your father will be home soon.” I smiled at my perfect mother. Reaching up to play with her red curls, I nodded. “I promise.”
I broke that f**king promise and brought the apocalypse on my entire family.
Trees creaked.
The moon shone silver.
My teeth ached as I fought, f**king fought, the conditioning
Kill. Sever. Bleed. Devour.
I’d never be free. I had to die. I had to kill myself.
“Roan! Roan!”
With my free hand, I clutched my skull as clanking bells echoed in my ears.
Louder and louder.
Bells and chimes and trumpets.
Every brainwash, every bar and chain I’d been trapped in started unravelling.
Faster and faster, padlock after padlock.
Every inch of my past and torture ceased to exist. Every switch and order that made me the obedient machine I was disintegrated.
Wind whistled.
Ice prickled.
Freedom fell like rain.
Every shackle and programed obedience slithered out of my brain, thudding at my feet with the sounds of clunking iron. Standing still, barely breathing in case it was all a dream, I burst into life as everything filthy and tainted in my mind erupted into flames and dissolved into ash.
Sun shone.
Butterflies flew.
Laughter filled my ears.
My world spun and spun. Throwing me out of my old existence, leaving me homeless and adrift.
Then a new world began. A world I never hoped dream for. A world where my thoughts were my own and nobody could strip them from me.
The vortex that’d stolen me from hospital to past dumped me back into reality. But it wasn’t the same one as before. It wasn’t the same subspace or even the same galaxy.
My past had gone forever.
My future was f**king bright and clean.
Birds chirped.
Love swelled.
Blissful happiness filled my heart.
I opened my eyes.
Zel was halfway out of bed, clutching her abdomen where fresh stitches held her together. Panic covered her face with damp sweat while her eyes were wild with terror. “Don’t. Stop it! Don’t hurt him!”
I raced to catch her before she passed out and fell flat on her face. “Zel, no!”
Holding my son in one arm, I pushed the woman I was going to marry back into bed and brought the sheet up over her shuddering body. Her face was ashen, waxy with stress.
My heart hadn’t known such love. I’d never believed I could feel so f**king happy.
I stood numbly, drinking in how much I loved her. How much she’d given me.
She snatched Vasily from my arms, hugging him close. Tears glassed her eyes.
“Goddammit, Roan. You almost gave me a f**king heart attack.” She curved her body around Vasily. He began to cry under her fierce embrace.
His wails were music to my ears because there was nothing else. No orders. No rush of conditioning.
All there was were the harsh shrieks of my son and the ragged pants of the woman I adored.
I felt like f**king laughing.
Livid tears spilled down her cheeks. “What the hell were you doing? My God. Can I never trust you? Will you never be free?” Her body shook as shock took over. “How can we raise them together if you can’t ever be around them? What hope is there? What—”
It wasn’t fair that she was so distraught and I was walking on air.
Grabbing her chin, I jerked her mouth up and kissed her. I kissed her like I’d always wanted to. With my entire soul.
I didn’t have to fight anything. I didn’t have to watch my thoughts or guard myself against her touch.
It was f**king heaven.
Twenty-eight years and I’d finally found what I’d always wanted.
Happiness.
Her lips froze beneath mine. I tasted salt from her tears and sorrow from her tongue. Pulling away, I murmured, “Don’t cry.”
Her eyes widened as she rocked a screaming Vasily. “Don’t cry? If I can’t cry over the fact I love a man who can’t be around his children what can I cry about? It’s hopeless. Everything—it’s over.”
My stomach twisted at the desolation in her voice.
“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live in fear that I’ll find you’ve ransacked the nursery or stolen our children’s lives. I want you gone—”
The dagger went straight through my heart. There was no conditioning to wade through or fog of anger. Everything affected me a hundred times stronger. A thousand times deeper.
It was like exposing myself to a whole new existence where the sun burned my skin, tears dissolved my will, and Zel’s sadness ripped out my heart with claws.
“Don’t. It’s over, dobycha. It’s over.”
She sniffed, dropping her eyes. “I know it’s over. It has to be.” A sob escaped her lips.
Something monumental had happened. Something I never dreamed was possible. And instead of celebrating she was trying to cut me out of her life.
I’m not letting you go. Ever.
Prying one of her arms from around Vasily's shoulders, I tugged her hand toward me.
Her lips popped open. She fought me. “Let me go. Stop it.” Her eyes narrowed. “Take your hands off me, Operative Fox.”
I paused, tensing for a wave of conditioning, so used to obeying all my life.
Nothing.
Heavenly nothing.
Blessed f**king nothing.
No rush of orders.
No crush of commands.
No debilitating need to kill.
I smiled and unwound her tight fingers. “You said you trusted me. Trust me one last time.” My voice even sounded different. Less gruff. Less bound to a past I’d always run from.
Zel froze, then let her hand go slack. She never took her eyes off me as I very carefully laid her hand on my forearm.
I looked up, drowning in her emerald gaze. “What do you see?”
She shook her head. “I don’t understand. What are you trying to do?”
I removed her hand and put it against my chest, directly over my heart. Her body tensed, feeling the racing beat beneath her fingertips. Her fear surrounded me but slowly a trace of hope filled her eyes.
“What do you feel?” I murmured.
She gasped, twitching her fingers against my chest. Her touch sent boomerangs of aliveness and heat through me. Branding me. Making me hers. Always hers.
“You’re different.” Cocking her head, she narrowed her eyes. “What happened? What’s changed? I don’t understand.”
I laughed, feeling weightless.
Guiding her hand up my chest, I shivered as her gentle touch came up my throat and tangled with Clara’s silver star around my neck. Her face spasmed with grief before I brought her fingers up and up, until her entire palm cupped my scarred cheek.
I never let her touch my scar.
I hated it.
It was hotwired to my conditioning.
It ruled my life for so long.
Dropping my fingers from hers, I whispered, “What do you sense?”
The hope she’d nursed exploded into her entire body. Vasily stopped crying and a brilliant smile lit her tear-streaked face. “It’s gone?”
My heart expanded until I couldn’t breathe. My legs wobbled in sheer gratefulness.
“Oh, my God. Roan… it’s true?”
Shivers captured my skin sending goosebumps and every emotion that had been muted all my life over my skin. Love exploded my heart. I nodded. “It’s gone. All of it. Every last bit.”
Her hand clutched my cheek harder, dropped to cup my chin. “Are you sure?” Her eyes danced with hope and hesitation.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to dance. I couldn’t stand still with the joy frothing in my stomach. “Positive. Every bad thing inside. Every f**ked-up need to obey. Every mind-twisting command is gone. It’s disappeared.”
She went from ashen to f**king glowing. Fresh tears filled her eyes, but this time they beamed with happiness. “You’re free?”
I laughed, stepping backward.
Every movement was lighter.
My vision brighter.
“I’m free.”
“I’m normal.”
I’m a father.
My eyes wrenched wide and I spun around. I was a father and I was free. I’d never thought I could have so much.
