Dirty Red
Page 48
I look at the package suspiciously. What could be inside that would cause her to look so horrified? I click to the next pictures, but Olivia is in none of them. It’s like she disappeared after she opened that package. I shove a handful of barely thawed carrots into my mouth. Scooting my chair back, I go in search of Sam. I find him folding laundry in the nursery. Caleb has the baby, but Sam has been coming in anyway to help me live.
“You were at that party, right?”
“What party?” He opens a drawer, deposits a pile of onesies and closes it without looking at me.
“Olivia’s party, Sam.” His eyes travel from my crossed arms to my tapping foot.
“I will not feed into your stalker tendencies.”
“What was in that blue box Olivia opened?”
Sam’s eyes snap to my face.
“How do you know about that?”
“I was on ... uh ... Facebook.”
Sam shakes his head. “I don’t know. The box didn’t have a card. She took one look inside that sucker and ran into the house. I didn’t see her again after that. I think Noah took her home.”
“What happened to the box?” Why am I so interested?
“I think Cammie has it.”
I grab his arm. “Ask her.”
He shakes himself free, his brow creased into three deep lines. I point to his forehead.
“You should really consider Botox for that.”
“I am not digging around in the Olivia obsession box for you.”
“I’m not obsessed with her,” I counter. “I just want to revel in what made her upset.”
“Don’t you and Nancy do enough Olivia bashing as it is?”
I screw up my nose. Could there ever be enough Olivia bashing? That woman should have to wear a sign on her back that says ‘White Trash Boyfriend Stealer’.
“Say what you like, Sam, but she didn’t try to destroy your life.”
I am walking toward the living room when his voice catches up to me.
“From what I hear, she saved yours.”
I spin and glare. I can’t believe he just said that. How completely untrue. I am sick, sick, sick of being forced to feel grateful to that sly looking bitch for something anyone could have done. I could have hired any attorney I wanted. Olivia was forced on me.
“Is that what Cammie told you?”
He puts the last clean bottle in the cabinet and faces me.
“Isn’t that what happened? She took your case and won it?”
“For God’s sake! That was her job.”
“Why did she take your case?”
I am already pale, but when someone asks me that question, e.g., my mother, my sister, my friends … I can always feel the color in my skin peel back. Why did she take the case? Because Caleb asked her to. Why did Caleb ask her to? At first, I thought it was because she lied to him. He was collecting on her guilt, making her pay up for the deceit by defending his wife. But, then I intercepted a look. A look. How long can a look be … truly? A look can be a second long, a freaking, harmless second, and it can tell long, complicated stories. You can see three years in a second-long look. You can see longing, too. I hadn’t known that until I saw it for myself. I wish I hadn’t seen it. I wish I could never see another look transferred between two people with history.
"It seems to me, you give loyalty to all of the wrong people," he says.
"What are you talking about?" I snap.
"Oh, I don't know. You almost take the fall for that father of yours, when he obviously treated you like crap, and then you shove your baby off to the side like she's an inconvenience to you."
I balk.
“You can have the rest of the day off.”
Sam raises his eyebrows. “I’ll see you on Monday, then.”
I don’t acknowledge him when he leaves. I go upstairs to check on Estella and then realize that she's gone. I'd been doing that lately, expecting to hear her or see her when I walk into a room. Unlike a few months ago, I don't feel relief that she's not here. I feel...
What do I feel? I hate that. I definitely don't want to think about my feelings.
I go to the freezer and pull out the lima beans. Weighing the bag in my hand for a few seconds, I suddenly toss them back like I'm pitching for the Marlins.
I grab my car keys from the hook in the kitchen and head for the garage. My fast car is in the garage: my pre-baby, lots of fun, cherry red convertible. I pat the hood before I get in. Then I'm zipping past my mommy-mobile, past the mailboxes and down the street.
I feel lost. I feel lost and incredibly angry. I jerk to a stop in the parking lot of the grocery store. Marching inside, I don't miss a beat as I snatch up a basket and head for the candy aisle. I empty the shelf of chocolate covered raisins and grab an armful of Twizzlers. When I dump everything on the belt at the register, the kid ringing me up looks at me with wide eyes.
"Will that be — "
"That's all," I shout. "Unless you want to give me a new life."
He's still gaping at me when I snatch up my load and run for the car.
The first thing I do when I get home is empty my freezer of vegetables. I cut the bags open, one by one, and send the colorful little niblets down the garbage disposal. I hum as I work. Then I take a swig of vodka, straight from the bottle, kick off my heels, and open the first box of chocolate covered raisins. It all goes downhill from there. I eat every last box until I am sick. I call Caleb at two A.M. His voice is slurred when he picks up.
No two A.M. feeding, I think. Lucky him.
"What is it, Leah?" he asks.
"I want my baby back." I chew on a Twizzler and wait.
He's quiet for about ten seconds.
"Why?"
I sniff.
"Because, I want her to know that it's all right to eat candy."
"What?" His voice is clipped.
"Don't you 'what' me. Bring my baby back. First thing tomorrow." I hang up the phone.
I want my damn baby. I want my damn baby.
Chapter Thirty
The Past
The trial was the most surreal experience of my life — not just because my husband’s ex-girlfriend was my attorney, but also because I had never been called out on anything before. I was in real trouble for the first time in my life.
I didn’t agree to Olivia being my attorney. I fought it until Caleb got right in my face and said, “Do you want to win or not?”
“You were at that party, right?”
“What party?” He opens a drawer, deposits a pile of onesies and closes it without looking at me.
“Olivia’s party, Sam.” His eyes travel from my crossed arms to my tapping foot.
“I will not feed into your stalker tendencies.”
“What was in that blue box Olivia opened?”
Sam’s eyes snap to my face.
“How do you know about that?”
“I was on ... uh ... Facebook.”
Sam shakes his head. “I don’t know. The box didn’t have a card. She took one look inside that sucker and ran into the house. I didn’t see her again after that. I think Noah took her home.”
“What happened to the box?” Why am I so interested?
“I think Cammie has it.”
I grab his arm. “Ask her.”
He shakes himself free, his brow creased into three deep lines. I point to his forehead.
“You should really consider Botox for that.”
“I am not digging around in the Olivia obsession box for you.”
“I’m not obsessed with her,” I counter. “I just want to revel in what made her upset.”
“Don’t you and Nancy do enough Olivia bashing as it is?”
I screw up my nose. Could there ever be enough Olivia bashing? That woman should have to wear a sign on her back that says ‘White Trash Boyfriend Stealer’.
“Say what you like, Sam, but she didn’t try to destroy your life.”
I am walking toward the living room when his voice catches up to me.
“From what I hear, she saved yours.”
I spin and glare. I can’t believe he just said that. How completely untrue. I am sick, sick, sick of being forced to feel grateful to that sly looking bitch for something anyone could have done. I could have hired any attorney I wanted. Olivia was forced on me.
“Is that what Cammie told you?”
He puts the last clean bottle in the cabinet and faces me.
“Isn’t that what happened? She took your case and won it?”
“For God’s sake! That was her job.”
“Why did she take your case?”
I am already pale, but when someone asks me that question, e.g., my mother, my sister, my friends … I can always feel the color in my skin peel back. Why did she take the case? Because Caleb asked her to. Why did Caleb ask her to? At first, I thought it was because she lied to him. He was collecting on her guilt, making her pay up for the deceit by defending his wife. But, then I intercepted a look. A look. How long can a look be … truly? A look can be a second long, a freaking, harmless second, and it can tell long, complicated stories. You can see three years in a second-long look. You can see longing, too. I hadn’t known that until I saw it for myself. I wish I hadn’t seen it. I wish I could never see another look transferred between two people with history.
"It seems to me, you give loyalty to all of the wrong people," he says.
"What are you talking about?" I snap.
"Oh, I don't know. You almost take the fall for that father of yours, when he obviously treated you like crap, and then you shove your baby off to the side like she's an inconvenience to you."
I balk.
“You can have the rest of the day off.”
Sam raises his eyebrows. “I’ll see you on Monday, then.”
I don’t acknowledge him when he leaves. I go upstairs to check on Estella and then realize that she's gone. I'd been doing that lately, expecting to hear her or see her when I walk into a room. Unlike a few months ago, I don't feel relief that she's not here. I feel...
What do I feel? I hate that. I definitely don't want to think about my feelings.
I go to the freezer and pull out the lima beans. Weighing the bag in my hand for a few seconds, I suddenly toss them back like I'm pitching for the Marlins.
I grab my car keys from the hook in the kitchen and head for the garage. My fast car is in the garage: my pre-baby, lots of fun, cherry red convertible. I pat the hood before I get in. Then I'm zipping past my mommy-mobile, past the mailboxes and down the street.
I feel lost. I feel lost and incredibly angry. I jerk to a stop in the parking lot of the grocery store. Marching inside, I don't miss a beat as I snatch up a basket and head for the candy aisle. I empty the shelf of chocolate covered raisins and grab an armful of Twizzlers. When I dump everything on the belt at the register, the kid ringing me up looks at me with wide eyes.
"Will that be — "
"That's all," I shout. "Unless you want to give me a new life."
He's still gaping at me when I snatch up my load and run for the car.
The first thing I do when I get home is empty my freezer of vegetables. I cut the bags open, one by one, and send the colorful little niblets down the garbage disposal. I hum as I work. Then I take a swig of vodka, straight from the bottle, kick off my heels, and open the first box of chocolate covered raisins. It all goes downhill from there. I eat every last box until I am sick. I call Caleb at two A.M. His voice is slurred when he picks up.
No two A.M. feeding, I think. Lucky him.
"What is it, Leah?" he asks.
"I want my baby back." I chew on a Twizzler and wait.
He's quiet for about ten seconds.
"Why?"
I sniff.
"Because, I want her to know that it's all right to eat candy."
"What?" His voice is clipped.
"Don't you 'what' me. Bring my baby back. First thing tomorrow." I hang up the phone.
I want my damn baby. I want my damn baby.
Chapter Thirty
The Past
The trial was the most surreal experience of my life — not just because my husband’s ex-girlfriend was my attorney, but also because I had never been called out on anything before. I was in real trouble for the first time in my life.
I didn’t agree to Olivia being my attorney. I fought it until Caleb got right in my face and said, “Do you want to win or not?”
