Down to You
Page 23
Olivia is absolutely silent. That would worry me if not for the look of sympathetic understanding that I can see rising in her eyes, on her expressive face. As tender and good-hearted as she is, maybe she’ll be able to understand my reasoning. I just have to make sure to explain it all to her. In depth.
“On top of that, I knew that if I pursued a law degree, there might be a chance I could do something to help my father.”
She perks up at that. I’m not surprised at all that Olivia is the type to root for the underdog, to feel the need to find justice, that kind of thing. She’s just a good person. Much better than I deserve. Nash would be worthy of her. But not me.
And yet I can’t seem to make myself stay away from her.
“Do you really think you could change things? Make a difference?”
I shrug. “I don’t know, but I’m certainly looking into it. It’s one of the biggest reasons I wanted in with a big, powerful law firm, like your uncle’s.”
“Do they know?” she asks. “About your father, I mean?”
“Yes. That’s not something I thought I could keep secret, so I’ve been honest with a few select people about it. And they know what I’m working toward, that I want to help him win an appeal. I’ve been able to get some incredible insight by observing some of the partners and being involved there.”
Olivia nods, but doesn’t say anything for what seems like forever. But when she does, it is very much worth the wait.
She’s looking down at her fingers, whether because she doesn’t want me to see that she cares or because she’s still not sure she does. But I feel such profound relief, I don’t need to see her eyes. Her words say it all.
“Is it dangerous?”
I smile. “No, I don’t think so. My father has kept quiet all this time. I hope he’s fallen off their radar.”
“Kept quiet?”
I pause. And then there’s this part. “Uh, yeah. He was, um, pretty desperate to get away and he chose an…inadvisable way to try and regain his freedom.”
“And what inadvisable way was that?”
I exhale loudly. “Blackmail.”
Her mouth drops open in disbelief. “Your dad tried to blackmail the mob? Has he never seen The Godfather?”
I can’t help but laugh. “I don’t think that’s quite like the reality of things, but yeah, it was pretty stupid. What he did.” I feel that old familiar spike of pain radiate through my chest. “He paid dearly for his mistake. We all did.”
“What was the blackmail? Or should I not ask things like that?”
She’s curious, yes, but I can see by her face she’s cautiously curious.
“He took a couple of books. Accounting books. Ledgers.”
Olivia gasps and covers her mouth with both her hands. “Holy shit,” I hear her say behind them. Her emerald eyes are wide with disbelief. “Ohmigod, it’s just like the movies! Did he turn them over to anyone?”
I shake my head sharply. “No! That was part of their threat. If he were to give them to the police, we’d all be dead.”
“So, what are you trying to do to help him then?”
“Well, I’ve finally gotten Marissa’s dad to take over the case, so I can have a look at all the files. Unfortunately, the evidence is pretty damning.”
She scoots up to the edge of her seat cushion. “Well, do you have another plan? Isn’t there something else you can do, some other avenue you can take?”
I clear my throat. “Actually, I think there might be. But it’s dangerous. Probably very dangerous.”
She narrows her eyes. “What is it?”
I stop and think before I continue. This is the only part that could ever really pose a threat to her, although just knowing about it shouldn’t be dangerous. But still…
“I have the books he took.”
Her brows shoot up and her eyes get round. “Are you kidding me? You have the books that were so important, so dangerous that someone blew up your father’s boat to keep him quiet?”
Even though we are alone, I’m still paranoid. I fight the urge to look over my shoulder. “Yes,” I say quietly. “I made him give them to me before he got arrested. I promised him I’d keep them hidden. And safe. Even though they’re what got him in trouble in the first place, they’re also what’s keeping him alive. As long as they know they’re out there, we’re safe.”
“And you think you can use them to…what?”
“I wasn’t really going to tell you what you were looking at, but I was going to have you look over the books. I’ve studied them for countless hours over the last few months and I think there is some evidence there that could put some of the higher-ups away for life. If what I suspect is true, these books would prove tax evasion. That coupled with several other crimes my father knows them to be guilty of, not the least of which is the murder of my brother and mother, could go toward proving racketeering and they could be prosecuted under the RICO act.”
She’s perfectly quiet for so long I wonder if she even understood what I said.
But when she finally says something, I know which part struck her the hardest.
It’s the part that makes me look like the bastard most people have always thought me to be.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE - Olivia
It’s the most bizarre and surreal thing to be looking at the guy I’ve known as Cash and suddenly see Nash appear. The mussed hair is still all Cash. The casual clothes are still all Cash. Some of the mannerisms are still all Cash. But the speech, the sudden switch into intelligent, successful, soon-to-be attorney mode, is all Nash. And it’s staggering.
But not nearly as staggering as his inadvertent admission.
I speak quietly, trying to remain calm. “So what you’re saying is that you were going to involve me in something that could potentially get me killed without even telling me? Without giving me so much as a head’s up?” I stand to my feet. I can’t help it. Anger is pulsing through me like spray from a fire-hose, and I can’t remain sitting. If I do, I might explode. “Without giving me a choice?”
At least Cash has the decency to look embarrassed. Ashamed. Contrite. “I’m sure that’s what it looks like, but I promise you, I would never put you in danger. I just wanted you to do the numbers, look at the tax code. Give me your opinion. I was going to tell you they were for another business I was considering buying. I knew I could trust you not to say anything if I was right and there were serious violations. If I’d taken it to a CPA, they might’ve felt compelled to try to get the name of the business and turn them in. Something crazy like that.”
Even though that makes it sound a lot less horrific, I’m still having trouble thinking past my anger. Deep down, though, I know it has more to do with being lied to than anything else. Strangely, the rest all sounds like stuff I could deal with, albeit with some liquor, a sedative and some time to think, but still, I could manage.
But this, this lying… I’ve always hated liars and being lied to more than anything else. To me, it’s always been the only truly unforgivable sin.
Can Cash be the first exception? Or has this forever wounded whatever is between us?
“Olivia, please understand that I would never, never—”
I put up my hand to stop him. “Stop. Please don’t say anything else. I think I’ve heard enough for one day. Maybe for the rest of my life. I won’t know until I’ve had some time to think.”
He looks defeated. Not really worried, like he’s afraid I might tell someone, just defeated. Like he took the chance and it backfired. I smother the little pang of guilt for trampling his attempts at coming clean. I can’t afford to feel tenderness toward him right now. I need to be practical and rational. Cool. Emotionless.
I pretend to look through my purse. I can’t meet his eyes. I’ll crumble. I know I will. “Thanks for getting my car fixed and bringing it by. I’ll pay you back.” I start edging toward the door. Running will only make me look like a coward, even though that’s what I’d really like to do—run. Far and fast.
Cash says nothing. I don’t look up until I’m facing the door and he’s to my left. I pause, thinking I should probably say something else, but not having the first idea what that is.
I open the door and walk out. I don’t look back, but I can feel Cash’s eyes follow me until I disappear around the corner.
********
I’ve never been the type to skip school a lot. A class or even a day here and there maybe, but nothing substantial. Until now.
Tuesday morning doesn’t bring the peace I thought it would. In fact, between getting very little sleep—again—and the magnitude of my troubling thoughts, I feel almost physically ill. My stomach literally turns over when I see the flowers that Nash left me.
“Cash,” I say out loud, correcting myself for the hundredth time.
As I did most of yesterday and far into the night, I relive the humiliation of what happened with Cash when I thought he was Nash. The things I said to him, the way I acted, the things we did. Or nearly did. The way I tortured myself over who had crept into my bedroom that night.
I rock between anger and mortification then back to anger.
How could he do this to me? How could he do this to everyone?
I go to the kitchen to make coffee. As I pass my phone, I see the screen light up. I had put it on vibrate and left it out here last night because I didn’t want to be tempted to answer it. The name displayed is Cash.
I wonder if he’ll ever use Nash’s phone when he calls me again?
Bitterness courses through me. It’s so thick I can almost taste it. Ignoring the call just like I have the half dozen others from him, I continue on to the kitchen.
As I sip my coffee in the living room, I try to think of other things, but they all lead back to the most important issue in my life. Cash.
How did he become such a central theme? When did I get so deeply involved? How had it happened without my knowledge?
The answer? It didn’t. I knew I would fall for him. I lied to myself just enough to soften the blow at the time, but I knew it would end like this. It’s the story of my life.
Another swell of anger. And bitterness.
Then longing. And loneliness.
The anger again. At Cash for letting me get so close. For drawing me in, like a spider into his web.
His web of lies!
At least there are no tears. I’m thankful for that. Tears are exhausting. Anger is like rocket fuel. Maybe I don’t cry because the ball is in my court. Because I know all I have to do is pick up the phone, return one of the many messages he’s left me, and I can be with him again. At least for a little while.
In a different web of lies. In a relationship with no future.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO - Cash
I hit the red END button on the phone. The word itself mocks me. Have I really destroyed any chance to be with Olivia? Do I really care if I have?
The answers are: I don’t know and yes. In that order.
I can only hope coming clean with her was the right decision. I would’ve thought someone like Olivia would appreciate the gesture, the significance of what I did in the end. But maybe I was wrong. I’ve never really had feelings for a girl like her. Hell, I’ve never really had feelings for any girl period. Not like this anyway.
I resist the urge to throw my phone across the room. The next step is hers. It’s her choice. I’m just going to have to accept that and go along with her decision. Because I won’t beg. I won’t ever beg a female for anything.
I just won’t.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE - Olivia
Tuesday melts into Wednesday. Anger and bitterness become depression and devastation. In a way, Cash really was the perfect guy. I’d wanted him to be more like Nash when, in reality, he was Nash. He’d turned his life around and made something of himself for his brother, for his father. For his family. He’s the perfect blend of bad boy and successful, driven adult. He’s everything I ever wanted and everything I ever needed. All wrapped up in one gorgeous, sexy package. Which is all wrapped up in lies and deceit and danger.
If that’s not a kick in the ass, I don’t know what is.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR - Cash
I guess they’re right when they say, “Never say never.” I said I would never beg. That’s laughable. It’s only Wednesday and I’ve already lost count of how many times I’ve called Olivia. I should be embarrassed.
But I’m not.
I’m desperate. More and more every day. I’m desperate not to lose her. But I don’t know what to do next. I hate to go to her house and force her to talk to me. But I will. At this point, I can’t think of anything I wouldn’t do for her. To see her. To talk to her. To touch her and taste her again.
Oh damn, this ain’t good!
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE - Olivia
Wednesday becomes Thursday. My phone is lighting up with more frequency. I keep it close so I can see if it’s Dad calling. It never is. Every time I call to check on him, he assures me he’s doing well and promises he’ll call if he needs anything. But he never does.
Maybe I should just go home for a while. Take a break from school. From life. From heartache. From Cash.
I only have a few more days until Marissa comes home anyway. And then what will happen? Will “Nash” still be a part of her life? Will he still visit? And hold her and kiss her? Does he tell her he loves her? Did he ever plan a future with her? Will he?
Those thoughts always send me into a tail spin. On the one hand, I knew “Nash” was probably sleeping with her. I mean, they were dating. Of course they were having sex. But I thought Cash was unattached. I thought he was into me. All about me. At least for the time being. As much as a guy like that ever is “into” one specific girl. But it was all a lie.
“On top of that, I knew that if I pursued a law degree, there might be a chance I could do something to help my father.”
She perks up at that. I’m not surprised at all that Olivia is the type to root for the underdog, to feel the need to find justice, that kind of thing. She’s just a good person. Much better than I deserve. Nash would be worthy of her. But not me.
And yet I can’t seem to make myself stay away from her.
“Do you really think you could change things? Make a difference?”
I shrug. “I don’t know, but I’m certainly looking into it. It’s one of the biggest reasons I wanted in with a big, powerful law firm, like your uncle’s.”
“Do they know?” she asks. “About your father, I mean?”
“Yes. That’s not something I thought I could keep secret, so I’ve been honest with a few select people about it. And they know what I’m working toward, that I want to help him win an appeal. I’ve been able to get some incredible insight by observing some of the partners and being involved there.”
Olivia nods, but doesn’t say anything for what seems like forever. But when she does, it is very much worth the wait.
She’s looking down at her fingers, whether because she doesn’t want me to see that she cares or because she’s still not sure she does. But I feel such profound relief, I don’t need to see her eyes. Her words say it all.
“Is it dangerous?”
I smile. “No, I don’t think so. My father has kept quiet all this time. I hope he’s fallen off their radar.”
“Kept quiet?”
I pause. And then there’s this part. “Uh, yeah. He was, um, pretty desperate to get away and he chose an…inadvisable way to try and regain his freedom.”
“And what inadvisable way was that?”
I exhale loudly. “Blackmail.”
Her mouth drops open in disbelief. “Your dad tried to blackmail the mob? Has he never seen The Godfather?”
I can’t help but laugh. “I don’t think that’s quite like the reality of things, but yeah, it was pretty stupid. What he did.” I feel that old familiar spike of pain radiate through my chest. “He paid dearly for his mistake. We all did.”
“What was the blackmail? Or should I not ask things like that?”
She’s curious, yes, but I can see by her face she’s cautiously curious.
“He took a couple of books. Accounting books. Ledgers.”
Olivia gasps and covers her mouth with both her hands. “Holy shit,” I hear her say behind them. Her emerald eyes are wide with disbelief. “Ohmigod, it’s just like the movies! Did he turn them over to anyone?”
I shake my head sharply. “No! That was part of their threat. If he were to give them to the police, we’d all be dead.”
“So, what are you trying to do to help him then?”
“Well, I’ve finally gotten Marissa’s dad to take over the case, so I can have a look at all the files. Unfortunately, the evidence is pretty damning.”
She scoots up to the edge of her seat cushion. “Well, do you have another plan? Isn’t there something else you can do, some other avenue you can take?”
I clear my throat. “Actually, I think there might be. But it’s dangerous. Probably very dangerous.”
She narrows her eyes. “What is it?”
I stop and think before I continue. This is the only part that could ever really pose a threat to her, although just knowing about it shouldn’t be dangerous. But still…
“I have the books he took.”
Her brows shoot up and her eyes get round. “Are you kidding me? You have the books that were so important, so dangerous that someone blew up your father’s boat to keep him quiet?”
Even though we are alone, I’m still paranoid. I fight the urge to look over my shoulder. “Yes,” I say quietly. “I made him give them to me before he got arrested. I promised him I’d keep them hidden. And safe. Even though they’re what got him in trouble in the first place, they’re also what’s keeping him alive. As long as they know they’re out there, we’re safe.”
“And you think you can use them to…what?”
“I wasn’t really going to tell you what you were looking at, but I was going to have you look over the books. I’ve studied them for countless hours over the last few months and I think there is some evidence there that could put some of the higher-ups away for life. If what I suspect is true, these books would prove tax evasion. That coupled with several other crimes my father knows them to be guilty of, not the least of which is the murder of my brother and mother, could go toward proving racketeering and they could be prosecuted under the RICO act.”
She’s perfectly quiet for so long I wonder if she even understood what I said.
But when she finally says something, I know which part struck her the hardest.
It’s the part that makes me look like the bastard most people have always thought me to be.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE - Olivia
It’s the most bizarre and surreal thing to be looking at the guy I’ve known as Cash and suddenly see Nash appear. The mussed hair is still all Cash. The casual clothes are still all Cash. Some of the mannerisms are still all Cash. But the speech, the sudden switch into intelligent, successful, soon-to-be attorney mode, is all Nash. And it’s staggering.
But not nearly as staggering as his inadvertent admission.
I speak quietly, trying to remain calm. “So what you’re saying is that you were going to involve me in something that could potentially get me killed without even telling me? Without giving me so much as a head’s up?” I stand to my feet. I can’t help it. Anger is pulsing through me like spray from a fire-hose, and I can’t remain sitting. If I do, I might explode. “Without giving me a choice?”
At least Cash has the decency to look embarrassed. Ashamed. Contrite. “I’m sure that’s what it looks like, but I promise you, I would never put you in danger. I just wanted you to do the numbers, look at the tax code. Give me your opinion. I was going to tell you they were for another business I was considering buying. I knew I could trust you not to say anything if I was right and there were serious violations. If I’d taken it to a CPA, they might’ve felt compelled to try to get the name of the business and turn them in. Something crazy like that.”
Even though that makes it sound a lot less horrific, I’m still having trouble thinking past my anger. Deep down, though, I know it has more to do with being lied to than anything else. Strangely, the rest all sounds like stuff I could deal with, albeit with some liquor, a sedative and some time to think, but still, I could manage.
But this, this lying… I’ve always hated liars and being lied to more than anything else. To me, it’s always been the only truly unforgivable sin.
Can Cash be the first exception? Or has this forever wounded whatever is between us?
“Olivia, please understand that I would never, never—”
I put up my hand to stop him. “Stop. Please don’t say anything else. I think I’ve heard enough for one day. Maybe for the rest of my life. I won’t know until I’ve had some time to think.”
He looks defeated. Not really worried, like he’s afraid I might tell someone, just defeated. Like he took the chance and it backfired. I smother the little pang of guilt for trampling his attempts at coming clean. I can’t afford to feel tenderness toward him right now. I need to be practical and rational. Cool. Emotionless.
I pretend to look through my purse. I can’t meet his eyes. I’ll crumble. I know I will. “Thanks for getting my car fixed and bringing it by. I’ll pay you back.” I start edging toward the door. Running will only make me look like a coward, even though that’s what I’d really like to do—run. Far and fast.
Cash says nothing. I don’t look up until I’m facing the door and he’s to my left. I pause, thinking I should probably say something else, but not having the first idea what that is.
I open the door and walk out. I don’t look back, but I can feel Cash’s eyes follow me until I disappear around the corner.
********
I’ve never been the type to skip school a lot. A class or even a day here and there maybe, but nothing substantial. Until now.
Tuesday morning doesn’t bring the peace I thought it would. In fact, between getting very little sleep—again—and the magnitude of my troubling thoughts, I feel almost physically ill. My stomach literally turns over when I see the flowers that Nash left me.
“Cash,” I say out loud, correcting myself for the hundredth time.
As I did most of yesterday and far into the night, I relive the humiliation of what happened with Cash when I thought he was Nash. The things I said to him, the way I acted, the things we did. Or nearly did. The way I tortured myself over who had crept into my bedroom that night.
I rock between anger and mortification then back to anger.
How could he do this to me? How could he do this to everyone?
I go to the kitchen to make coffee. As I pass my phone, I see the screen light up. I had put it on vibrate and left it out here last night because I didn’t want to be tempted to answer it. The name displayed is Cash.
I wonder if he’ll ever use Nash’s phone when he calls me again?
Bitterness courses through me. It’s so thick I can almost taste it. Ignoring the call just like I have the half dozen others from him, I continue on to the kitchen.
As I sip my coffee in the living room, I try to think of other things, but they all lead back to the most important issue in my life. Cash.
How did he become such a central theme? When did I get so deeply involved? How had it happened without my knowledge?
The answer? It didn’t. I knew I would fall for him. I lied to myself just enough to soften the blow at the time, but I knew it would end like this. It’s the story of my life.
Another swell of anger. And bitterness.
Then longing. And loneliness.
The anger again. At Cash for letting me get so close. For drawing me in, like a spider into his web.
His web of lies!
At least there are no tears. I’m thankful for that. Tears are exhausting. Anger is like rocket fuel. Maybe I don’t cry because the ball is in my court. Because I know all I have to do is pick up the phone, return one of the many messages he’s left me, and I can be with him again. At least for a little while.
In a different web of lies. In a relationship with no future.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO - Cash
I hit the red END button on the phone. The word itself mocks me. Have I really destroyed any chance to be with Olivia? Do I really care if I have?
The answers are: I don’t know and yes. In that order.
I can only hope coming clean with her was the right decision. I would’ve thought someone like Olivia would appreciate the gesture, the significance of what I did in the end. But maybe I was wrong. I’ve never really had feelings for a girl like her. Hell, I’ve never really had feelings for any girl period. Not like this anyway.
I resist the urge to throw my phone across the room. The next step is hers. It’s her choice. I’m just going to have to accept that and go along with her decision. Because I won’t beg. I won’t ever beg a female for anything.
I just won’t.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE - Olivia
Tuesday melts into Wednesday. Anger and bitterness become depression and devastation. In a way, Cash really was the perfect guy. I’d wanted him to be more like Nash when, in reality, he was Nash. He’d turned his life around and made something of himself for his brother, for his father. For his family. He’s the perfect blend of bad boy and successful, driven adult. He’s everything I ever wanted and everything I ever needed. All wrapped up in one gorgeous, sexy package. Which is all wrapped up in lies and deceit and danger.
If that’s not a kick in the ass, I don’t know what is.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR - Cash
I guess they’re right when they say, “Never say never.” I said I would never beg. That’s laughable. It’s only Wednesday and I’ve already lost count of how many times I’ve called Olivia. I should be embarrassed.
But I’m not.
I’m desperate. More and more every day. I’m desperate not to lose her. But I don’t know what to do next. I hate to go to her house and force her to talk to me. But I will. At this point, I can’t think of anything I wouldn’t do for her. To see her. To talk to her. To touch her and taste her again.
Oh damn, this ain’t good!
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE - Olivia
Wednesday becomes Thursday. My phone is lighting up with more frequency. I keep it close so I can see if it’s Dad calling. It never is. Every time I call to check on him, he assures me he’s doing well and promises he’ll call if he needs anything. But he never does.
Maybe I should just go home for a while. Take a break from school. From life. From heartache. From Cash.
I only have a few more days until Marissa comes home anyway. And then what will happen? Will “Nash” still be a part of her life? Will he still visit? And hold her and kiss her? Does he tell her he loves her? Did he ever plan a future with her? Will he?
Those thoughts always send me into a tail spin. On the one hand, I knew “Nash” was probably sleeping with her. I mean, they were dating. Of course they were having sex. But I thought Cash was unattached. I thought he was into me. All about me. At least for the time being. As much as a guy like that ever is “into” one specific girl. But it was all a lie.
