Drawn Together
Page 81
Seeing Erin filled Raven with joy. She smiled. “Pizza?”
“Yes, that’ll do nicely.”
“All right, well, I’m back and now I’m going out for a two-hour lunch.”
Brody snorted. “Good. You have appointments. Tomorrow. I want to catch up though.”
She nodded. “We will. Thank you, Brody.”
He tipped his chin. “Any time.”
Funny thing was, she knew he was telling the truth.
They headed off to Zeek’s, a local favorite. Once they’d ordered and gotten settled, Erin’s expression turned serious.
“So?”
“I don’t know if I can even answer that. My mother . . . well, she’s messed up. Her physical health is worse than her mental health. I want her here, but she’s better off there. All her internal organs are crap from the meds and from her alcohol abuse to self-medicate. She has doctors she trusts there. She’s hooked into a system that can help her.”
Raven sighed. “My coming to visit her was good and all, but it upset her too on many levels.” She blew out a breath. “She feels guilty when she’s lucid. I don’t want that. You know? It’s too late for that. She did what she did and it sucked, but it’s not like she did it on purpose. So guilt is wasted. I tried to talk with her about that and I think she might forgive herself someday. But I don’t know how many somedays she has left.”
She sipped her soda, the sugary caffeine helping a little.
“And I feel guilty too. I wasn’t there all these years. Having me probably made things worse for her. I don’t know what to do. I can’t walk away. I can’t bring her here. I feel like I should move there.”
“For what? I get it, she’s your mother and if you were close and if you could help her, then I could understand it. But your life is here. You just put down roots here. I don’t want you to go. I know that’s selfish. But I love you. You’re my best friend and you’re finally here to be with me and my kid and damn it.” Erin tried not to cry, and it made Raven feel so much better.
“I’m terrible for wanting to stay here. But I do.”
“No, you’re not. Don’t you dare feel guilty for finally building a life! You’ll visit her often. As often as you can without upsetting her schedule.”
“It’s like five and half hours if I can keep the connections close. That means I can visit her once every few weeks. Jonah said he’d come with me as often as I liked if we did it over a weekend.” She shrugged. “I want to do the right thing, Erin.”
“Oh, sweetie, you are. Don’t you see that? Just at least see how things go over the next few months. See how she adjusts. See how you adjust. You deserve some good mental health for a change too.”
“Maybe.”
“I’m glad Jonah was there.”
Raven looked to Erin. “He saved me. I can’t even begin to tell you how much his being there just made it easier, better. I could take that next step. Open that next door. He managed me like the bossy guy he is, but he also protected me. Let me work shit out on my own when I needed to. He’s changed everything. I never thought . . . ever that there’d be what he is to me.”
Erin smiled. “Yeah. I so totally understand.”
“He’s so good to me. He leaves me alone when I need it and when I don’t, well, he’s all up in my face, poking around, making me confront stuff. Aggravating but . . . he gets me. He doesn’t judge me. I never anticipated him. He was awesome with all the medical stuff. He did all this research about the system. It’s so complicated and if I take her out of the place there, she loses so much. I don’t want that. But I wouldn’t have known really, not if he hadn’t done all the heavy lifting.”
“No one’s ever done it for you before, have they? I mean, I had Brody and Adrian before Todd and Ben. I had help, but for so very long I was on my own and I did my heavy lifting. I needed to, to get through stuff. But sometimes when I feel like this stuff will never end and my arms are so tired, well, Todd or Ben come in and take over. They make it all right. Alexander is growing up with them as examples of what it means to be a man. I’m so lucky for that.”
“I never had a lot of men around, you know? The ones I did were ass**les. Or so distant and distracted they weren’t really a factor. My mother never had boyfriends and the ones my other relatives had were utter cockbags. And then Brody of course, and I knew there were guys out there who were good. But he wasn’t mine. He was never mine. Jonah is mine. More than that? I’m his. I’ve never belonged to anyone before. I’m not a burden. Or a responsibility. I never knew I could feel this way.”
She dabbed her eyes quickly. “Also, I cry a lot lately. Just warning you. They say it’s because I’m dealing with all this stuff at once after pushing it aside for so long. Her doctor—my mom’s doctor, I mean—he gave me a few names of people up here who have specialty practices. You know with people who have dealt with what I have. I may call one of them.”
Erin reached out to squeeze her hand. “Do whatever you need to do. You are surrounded by people who love you and will help however they can. I’m so happy to see you like this. Vulnerable. Not hiding it, but accepting it. This shit you’ve endured hurts and you can admit it. It’s odd to say that makes me happy, but you know what I mean. What happened with your aunt?”
“Yes, that’ll do nicely.”
“All right, well, I’m back and now I’m going out for a two-hour lunch.”
Brody snorted. “Good. You have appointments. Tomorrow. I want to catch up though.”
She nodded. “We will. Thank you, Brody.”
He tipped his chin. “Any time.”
Funny thing was, she knew he was telling the truth.
They headed off to Zeek’s, a local favorite. Once they’d ordered and gotten settled, Erin’s expression turned serious.
“So?”
“I don’t know if I can even answer that. My mother . . . well, she’s messed up. Her physical health is worse than her mental health. I want her here, but she’s better off there. All her internal organs are crap from the meds and from her alcohol abuse to self-medicate. She has doctors she trusts there. She’s hooked into a system that can help her.”
Raven sighed. “My coming to visit her was good and all, but it upset her too on many levels.” She blew out a breath. “She feels guilty when she’s lucid. I don’t want that. You know? It’s too late for that. She did what she did and it sucked, but it’s not like she did it on purpose. So guilt is wasted. I tried to talk with her about that and I think she might forgive herself someday. But I don’t know how many somedays she has left.”
She sipped her soda, the sugary caffeine helping a little.
“And I feel guilty too. I wasn’t there all these years. Having me probably made things worse for her. I don’t know what to do. I can’t walk away. I can’t bring her here. I feel like I should move there.”
“For what? I get it, she’s your mother and if you were close and if you could help her, then I could understand it. But your life is here. You just put down roots here. I don’t want you to go. I know that’s selfish. But I love you. You’re my best friend and you’re finally here to be with me and my kid and damn it.” Erin tried not to cry, and it made Raven feel so much better.
“I’m terrible for wanting to stay here. But I do.”
“No, you’re not. Don’t you dare feel guilty for finally building a life! You’ll visit her often. As often as you can without upsetting her schedule.”
“It’s like five and half hours if I can keep the connections close. That means I can visit her once every few weeks. Jonah said he’d come with me as often as I liked if we did it over a weekend.” She shrugged. “I want to do the right thing, Erin.”
“Oh, sweetie, you are. Don’t you see that? Just at least see how things go over the next few months. See how she adjusts. See how you adjust. You deserve some good mental health for a change too.”
“Maybe.”
“I’m glad Jonah was there.”
Raven looked to Erin. “He saved me. I can’t even begin to tell you how much his being there just made it easier, better. I could take that next step. Open that next door. He managed me like the bossy guy he is, but he also protected me. Let me work shit out on my own when I needed to. He’s changed everything. I never thought . . . ever that there’d be what he is to me.”
Erin smiled. “Yeah. I so totally understand.”
“He’s so good to me. He leaves me alone when I need it and when I don’t, well, he’s all up in my face, poking around, making me confront stuff. Aggravating but . . . he gets me. He doesn’t judge me. I never anticipated him. He was awesome with all the medical stuff. He did all this research about the system. It’s so complicated and if I take her out of the place there, she loses so much. I don’t want that. But I wouldn’t have known really, not if he hadn’t done all the heavy lifting.”
“No one’s ever done it for you before, have they? I mean, I had Brody and Adrian before Todd and Ben. I had help, but for so very long I was on my own and I did my heavy lifting. I needed to, to get through stuff. But sometimes when I feel like this stuff will never end and my arms are so tired, well, Todd or Ben come in and take over. They make it all right. Alexander is growing up with them as examples of what it means to be a man. I’m so lucky for that.”
“I never had a lot of men around, you know? The ones I did were ass**les. Or so distant and distracted they weren’t really a factor. My mother never had boyfriends and the ones my other relatives had were utter cockbags. And then Brody of course, and I knew there were guys out there who were good. But he wasn’t mine. He was never mine. Jonah is mine. More than that? I’m his. I’ve never belonged to anyone before. I’m not a burden. Or a responsibility. I never knew I could feel this way.”
She dabbed her eyes quickly. “Also, I cry a lot lately. Just warning you. They say it’s because I’m dealing with all this stuff at once after pushing it aside for so long. Her doctor—my mom’s doctor, I mean—he gave me a few names of people up here who have specialty practices. You know with people who have dealt with what I have. I may call one of them.”
Erin reached out to squeeze her hand. “Do whatever you need to do. You are surrounded by people who love you and will help however they can. I’m so happy to see you like this. Vulnerable. Not hiding it, but accepting it. This shit you’ve endured hurts and you can admit it. It’s odd to say that makes me happy, but you know what I mean. What happened with your aunt?”
