Effortless
Page 22
They, of course, ate it up. Kellan smiled as he flicked his eyes over the group. He kept looking at one in the back and I curiously started examining her too. She was biting her lip and eyeing him in an intimate way, a way that clearly said she was a step above the other fawning fans around. It was a look I'd seen before on women who'd approached him, or sometimes even shown up at his place. It was the look of a woman who'd shared a bed with him before, and probably wouldn't mind sharing a bed with him again.
As his eyes kept flashing over hers, I finally registered the look I was seeing on his face. It was an expression of, I know you...how do I know you?
Irritated by the whole situation, I started to subtly pull away from him. Maybe taking the hint, he excused himself from the gawkers. "It was nice to meet you all...I'll see you at the show." I groaned a little that he'd tossed that in at the end. Now they all probably assumed that he literally meant he'd spend some time with them at the performance tonight. And I've-slept-with-you girl was probably expecting a great amount of personal attention.
I was scowling by the time we were outside. He noticed. "Hey, what's wrong?"
Glaring over at him, I rolled my eyes. "I hope you all can make it. See you there, ladies," I mocked, not really meaning to.
He stopped and stared at me. "I was just being friendly with some fans, Kiera. It doesn't mean what you think it means."
I stopped, setting my hands on my hips. I was fine with the fans, truly, I was, but that girl in the back had gotten under my skin. It was so weird to have so many people know what being with him was like...in that way. And they kept popping up everywhere. This girl, Candy, Rita, and I was pretty sure about that mechanic chick too...and that was just in the small circle that I saw often. I knew the list was much, much longer than that.
Pointing back to the building, I snapped out, "You've had sex with that girl!"
He blinked at my tone and my words, then his face heated. "And?"
I blinked that he didn't even try and deny it. "And...and..." Not having a real argument, I sighed and hung my head. "And I'm tired of running into girls who know what making love to you feels like. "
He sighed and stepped into me, cupping my face. His voice and face softer, he shook his head. "No one but you knows what making love to me feels like." Raising his eyebrows, he rested his head against mine. "I didn't even know what making love was like until you."
Pulling back, he tilted his head at the building. "What happened with that girl...was just sex. A mindless, physical act that had no meaning or feeling behind it. It was just pleasure...and I don't even really remember it."
Squatting down, he met my eye. "I remember every single time with you. Even before we were together, being with you haunted my dreams. I couldn't forget, even when I wanted to..." His thumbs brushed over my cheeks as I felt tears falling down them. "You...seared me. That's making love. That is something that none of them have over you. You are...unforgettable...and I love you."
Sniffling, I swallowed a couple times before I could finally say, "I love you, too."
He kissed me then, and I felt the passion and the truth in his words. They'd had him, but not like I'd had him. For some reason, I was different to him, and I was eternally grateful for that. I was still thinking about all of his conquests on the drive to his place, though. Feeling a little melancholy, I sat on his couch after we walked in his door. He sat beside me, a little cautiously.
"Kiera? You're not still mad, are you?"
I shook my head as I looked over at him. "No, I'm not mad, I'm just..."
Sighing, I bit my lip. Looking nervous, he shrugged. "You're what?"
Knowing we had to have this conversation sooner or later, I gritted my teeth and inhaled. On the exhale, I calmly said, "I'm curious...about the women."
Looking away, Kellan sighed, like he'd known this was coming. "Kiera...you know why I use to..."
He trailed off, staring at the floor. Grabbing his cheek, I made him look back at me. "I know, Kellan. I know why, I just don't know...how many."
He pulled back from my fingertips, his brows pulling together. "How many? Why do you...? Why does that...?" Shaking his head, he shrugged again. "What difference does that make, Kiera?"
Sighing as I stared at the floor now, I shrugged. "I don't know why, Kellan. I guess I just want to know how many....others...I could potentially run into." I peeked back up to look at him; his brow was still furrowed. "Do you know how many there has been?"
He swallowed, his eyes avoiding looking at me. "Kiera, I'm not really comfortable with..." He sighed and finally looked at me. "Can we not do this, please? Not today, not when I'm leaving tomorrow."
I sighed again, wishing I could just let it go again. But I'd let it go too many times already, and really, this was the perfect time to talk about it. "We should have this conversation, Kellan. We should have already had it, but you and I had...different problems getting together, so this just kept getting put on the back burner. But it's important...we need to talk about it."
Exhaling, he shook his head. "Why? It's ancient history. I'm not that guy anymore, Kiera. I'm not gonna be that guy again. Can't we just ignore it?"
Cupping his cheek, I shook my head. "We can't ignore things and have a solid relationship. And...it's not ancient, Kellan. That girl today proves that it's still relevant. We're going to run into these girls over and over and I need..." I exhaled in a rush, "I just need to know what I'm up against, Kellan."
Dropping his head he muttered, "You're not up against anything." I didn't say anything and he peeked up at me, hope in his eyes that I'd drop this. When I didn't, when I just kept silently sitting and waiting for him, my heart in my throat, he sighed and nodded. "I don't know how many, Kiera...I'm sorry."
Looking around the room, he leaned over and rested his elbows on his knees. "I suppose if you do the math..." He looked down at his hands. "I've been hav**g s*x for about a decade, with two or three different girls a week," he peeked up at me, guilt all over his face, "on average," he looked back down at his hands, "so that's...."
I held my breath, already having calculated the answer. He looked up at me and blinked after he did the math. "Crap...that's over fifteen hundred girls." He looked back down to his hands and muttered, "That can't be right..."
I sighed, knowing it was. Even if he only had sex twice a week with a different girl each time, that was over one hundred girls a year. Since he'd started so young, and he had almost ten years of that sort of behavior under his belt...well, that was almost a thousand girls. And that was assuming a low average. I had a feeling some years had been much higher than two or three a week. Sometimes he'd had two or three a day.
He looked a little ill as he sat on his couch, considering that. He clearly never had before. "Jesus," he muttered. "I really am a whore."
Actually feeling bad for him, I put a hand on his knee. "Well, I can see why you don't remember them all," I whispered.
He looked up at me, horrified. "I'm so sorry, Kiera. I didn't realize..."
He shook his head and I shook mine too. "I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty, Kellan, I just...we should talk about this openly, honestly."
Sighing, he leaned back against the couch. Nodding, he splayed his fingers out to me. "What do you want to know?"
"I know you don't remember all of their names, but do you remember their faces? Would you recognize them all if we ran into them again?" I cringed, thinking of this afternoon.
He bit his lip, thinking. "Maybe girls from the last few years, but before that...no, I'm sorry, the faces blur together and you know I didn't always ask..." he looked down," their names."
I squeezed my hand on his knee, and asked the one question that I really needed answered, the one that seemed the most relevant...and the one that terrified me a little. "Were you safe...with all of them?"
My heart thudded in my chest. True, STDs and other communicable diseases were high up on my list of concerns, but the one thing that scared me the most was the idea of some woman out there having had his child after a one night fling with him. It happened all the time. It was so plausible. It terrified me to no end that some woman knocking on his door would also come with a toddler...with midnight blue eyes.
His eyes immediately flashed up to mine. "Yes," he whispered, his voice sounding completely sure.
Sighing, I slumped against the couch. "Kellan, you don't have to lie to make me feel better...just be honest."
His hand came out to cup my cheek. "I am. Even from the first, the very first, we used condoms. I always carried some with me after that day. I didn't want..." he sighed and shook his head, "I didn't want another...me...to happen to some girl."
I stared at him blankly, amazed that the circumstances of his own conception had sacred him straight, so to speak, even at the tender age of twelve. Without thinking about it, I murmured, "How can you be sure...if you don't remember them all?"
He shook his head. "Because it was my rule, and I never broke it. It was the one thing I...was good about."
Frowning, I pushed his hand away from my face. "You weren't with me. You never even thought about it with me."
There was a little heat in my tone as I thought about all of our skin-on-skin moments. He looked down, his eyes flicking back and forth. "That's because..." he peeked up at me, "it was you." I furrowed my brow, not understanding. He sighed, bringing his fingers back to my cheek. "I wanted you...so much...and in a way I'd never wanted any girl." He rested his forehead against mine, exhaling lightly. "I loved you...even that first time. I didn't want anything between us. I wanted..."
Pulling back, he looked away. Grabbing his cheek, I made him look at me. "You wanted what?"
Looking guilty again, he shrugged. "I wanted...to own you. I wanted a part of me in you." He cringed. "I wanted to mark you, make you mine." Sighing, he shook his head. "Because I knew you really weren't...but it made me feel...closer to you, to think that way."
He lowered his eyes as mine watered. "I'm sorry...I shouldn't have done that."
Swallowing, I brought his mouth to mine. "I love you, too," I muttered between our lips.
Grabbing his head, I pulled him back as I laid down on the couch. He went freely, settling himself over the top of me as our mouths moved in perfect synch. Breaths heavier, our kiss intensified and my body melted under his, ready for him to stake his claim on me again. But when I tangled my fingers in his messy hair, lightly scratching his scalp, he pulled away from me.
Staring down on me, he shook his head. "Don't take this the wrong way, but can we not have sex right now? Can we just...cuddle...until you have to go in to work? I just want to be close to you for a while."
Shifting my fingers to brush some stray hair from his forehead, I searched his eyes. "Yeah, of course."
He smiled lightly and kissed me one final time before shifting to lie beside me. His head on my shoulder, he wrapped his leg over mine and laced our fingers together. Kissing my knuckles, he sighed softly. "I love you, Kiera," he whispered.
As his eyes kept flashing over hers, I finally registered the look I was seeing on his face. It was an expression of, I know you...how do I know you?
Irritated by the whole situation, I started to subtly pull away from him. Maybe taking the hint, he excused himself from the gawkers. "It was nice to meet you all...I'll see you at the show." I groaned a little that he'd tossed that in at the end. Now they all probably assumed that he literally meant he'd spend some time with them at the performance tonight. And I've-slept-with-you girl was probably expecting a great amount of personal attention.
I was scowling by the time we were outside. He noticed. "Hey, what's wrong?"
Glaring over at him, I rolled my eyes. "I hope you all can make it. See you there, ladies," I mocked, not really meaning to.
He stopped and stared at me. "I was just being friendly with some fans, Kiera. It doesn't mean what you think it means."
I stopped, setting my hands on my hips. I was fine with the fans, truly, I was, but that girl in the back had gotten under my skin. It was so weird to have so many people know what being with him was like...in that way. And they kept popping up everywhere. This girl, Candy, Rita, and I was pretty sure about that mechanic chick too...and that was just in the small circle that I saw often. I knew the list was much, much longer than that.
Pointing back to the building, I snapped out, "You've had sex with that girl!"
He blinked at my tone and my words, then his face heated. "And?"
I blinked that he didn't even try and deny it. "And...and..." Not having a real argument, I sighed and hung my head. "And I'm tired of running into girls who know what making love to you feels like. "
He sighed and stepped into me, cupping my face. His voice and face softer, he shook his head. "No one but you knows what making love to me feels like." Raising his eyebrows, he rested his head against mine. "I didn't even know what making love was like until you."
Pulling back, he tilted his head at the building. "What happened with that girl...was just sex. A mindless, physical act that had no meaning or feeling behind it. It was just pleasure...and I don't even really remember it."
Squatting down, he met my eye. "I remember every single time with you. Even before we were together, being with you haunted my dreams. I couldn't forget, even when I wanted to..." His thumbs brushed over my cheeks as I felt tears falling down them. "You...seared me. That's making love. That is something that none of them have over you. You are...unforgettable...and I love you."
Sniffling, I swallowed a couple times before I could finally say, "I love you, too."
He kissed me then, and I felt the passion and the truth in his words. They'd had him, but not like I'd had him. For some reason, I was different to him, and I was eternally grateful for that. I was still thinking about all of his conquests on the drive to his place, though. Feeling a little melancholy, I sat on his couch after we walked in his door. He sat beside me, a little cautiously.
"Kiera? You're not still mad, are you?"
I shook my head as I looked over at him. "No, I'm not mad, I'm just..."
Sighing, I bit my lip. Looking nervous, he shrugged. "You're what?"
Knowing we had to have this conversation sooner or later, I gritted my teeth and inhaled. On the exhale, I calmly said, "I'm curious...about the women."
Looking away, Kellan sighed, like he'd known this was coming. "Kiera...you know why I use to..."
He trailed off, staring at the floor. Grabbing his cheek, I made him look back at me. "I know, Kellan. I know why, I just don't know...how many."
He pulled back from my fingertips, his brows pulling together. "How many? Why do you...? Why does that...?" Shaking his head, he shrugged again. "What difference does that make, Kiera?"
Sighing as I stared at the floor now, I shrugged. "I don't know why, Kellan. I guess I just want to know how many....others...I could potentially run into." I peeked back up to look at him; his brow was still furrowed. "Do you know how many there has been?"
He swallowed, his eyes avoiding looking at me. "Kiera, I'm not really comfortable with..." He sighed and finally looked at me. "Can we not do this, please? Not today, not when I'm leaving tomorrow."
I sighed again, wishing I could just let it go again. But I'd let it go too many times already, and really, this was the perfect time to talk about it. "We should have this conversation, Kellan. We should have already had it, but you and I had...different problems getting together, so this just kept getting put on the back burner. But it's important...we need to talk about it."
Exhaling, he shook his head. "Why? It's ancient history. I'm not that guy anymore, Kiera. I'm not gonna be that guy again. Can't we just ignore it?"
Cupping his cheek, I shook my head. "We can't ignore things and have a solid relationship. And...it's not ancient, Kellan. That girl today proves that it's still relevant. We're going to run into these girls over and over and I need..." I exhaled in a rush, "I just need to know what I'm up against, Kellan."
Dropping his head he muttered, "You're not up against anything." I didn't say anything and he peeked up at me, hope in his eyes that I'd drop this. When I didn't, when I just kept silently sitting and waiting for him, my heart in my throat, he sighed and nodded. "I don't know how many, Kiera...I'm sorry."
Looking around the room, he leaned over and rested his elbows on his knees. "I suppose if you do the math..." He looked down at his hands. "I've been hav**g s*x for about a decade, with two or three different girls a week," he peeked up at me, guilt all over his face, "on average," he looked back down at his hands, "so that's...."
I held my breath, already having calculated the answer. He looked up at me and blinked after he did the math. "Crap...that's over fifteen hundred girls." He looked back down to his hands and muttered, "That can't be right..."
I sighed, knowing it was. Even if he only had sex twice a week with a different girl each time, that was over one hundred girls a year. Since he'd started so young, and he had almost ten years of that sort of behavior under his belt...well, that was almost a thousand girls. And that was assuming a low average. I had a feeling some years had been much higher than two or three a week. Sometimes he'd had two or three a day.
He looked a little ill as he sat on his couch, considering that. He clearly never had before. "Jesus," he muttered. "I really am a whore."
Actually feeling bad for him, I put a hand on his knee. "Well, I can see why you don't remember them all," I whispered.
He looked up at me, horrified. "I'm so sorry, Kiera. I didn't realize..."
He shook his head and I shook mine too. "I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty, Kellan, I just...we should talk about this openly, honestly."
Sighing, he leaned back against the couch. Nodding, he splayed his fingers out to me. "What do you want to know?"
"I know you don't remember all of their names, but do you remember their faces? Would you recognize them all if we ran into them again?" I cringed, thinking of this afternoon.
He bit his lip, thinking. "Maybe girls from the last few years, but before that...no, I'm sorry, the faces blur together and you know I didn't always ask..." he looked down," their names."
I squeezed my hand on his knee, and asked the one question that I really needed answered, the one that seemed the most relevant...and the one that terrified me a little. "Were you safe...with all of them?"
My heart thudded in my chest. True, STDs and other communicable diseases were high up on my list of concerns, but the one thing that scared me the most was the idea of some woman out there having had his child after a one night fling with him. It happened all the time. It was so plausible. It terrified me to no end that some woman knocking on his door would also come with a toddler...with midnight blue eyes.
His eyes immediately flashed up to mine. "Yes," he whispered, his voice sounding completely sure.
Sighing, I slumped against the couch. "Kellan, you don't have to lie to make me feel better...just be honest."
His hand came out to cup my cheek. "I am. Even from the first, the very first, we used condoms. I always carried some with me after that day. I didn't want..." he sighed and shook his head, "I didn't want another...me...to happen to some girl."
I stared at him blankly, amazed that the circumstances of his own conception had sacred him straight, so to speak, even at the tender age of twelve. Without thinking about it, I murmured, "How can you be sure...if you don't remember them all?"
He shook his head. "Because it was my rule, and I never broke it. It was the one thing I...was good about."
Frowning, I pushed his hand away from my face. "You weren't with me. You never even thought about it with me."
There was a little heat in my tone as I thought about all of our skin-on-skin moments. He looked down, his eyes flicking back and forth. "That's because..." he peeked up at me, "it was you." I furrowed my brow, not understanding. He sighed, bringing his fingers back to my cheek. "I wanted you...so much...and in a way I'd never wanted any girl." He rested his forehead against mine, exhaling lightly. "I loved you...even that first time. I didn't want anything between us. I wanted..."
Pulling back, he looked away. Grabbing his cheek, I made him look at me. "You wanted what?"
Looking guilty again, he shrugged. "I wanted...to own you. I wanted a part of me in you." He cringed. "I wanted to mark you, make you mine." Sighing, he shook his head. "Because I knew you really weren't...but it made me feel...closer to you, to think that way."
He lowered his eyes as mine watered. "I'm sorry...I shouldn't have done that."
Swallowing, I brought his mouth to mine. "I love you, too," I muttered between our lips.
Grabbing his head, I pulled him back as I laid down on the couch. He went freely, settling himself over the top of me as our mouths moved in perfect synch. Breaths heavier, our kiss intensified and my body melted under his, ready for him to stake his claim on me again. But when I tangled my fingers in his messy hair, lightly scratching his scalp, he pulled away from me.
Staring down on me, he shook his head. "Don't take this the wrong way, but can we not have sex right now? Can we just...cuddle...until you have to go in to work? I just want to be close to you for a while."
Shifting my fingers to brush some stray hair from his forehead, I searched his eyes. "Yeah, of course."
He smiled lightly and kissed me one final time before shifting to lie beside me. His head on my shoulder, he wrapped his leg over mine and laced our fingers together. Kissing my knuckles, he sighed softly. "I love you, Kiera," he whispered.
