Effortless
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That thought that was reaffirmed to me when I opened my bedroom door and found a pregnant girl sitting on my bed. Surprised that Anna was still up at this hour, when she'd started going to bed pretty early lately, I sat beside her.
Face sad but serene, she looked over at me. "I've decided."
"And?" I held my breath, waiting for her answer.
She looked over my face for long seconds that felt like years. Lifting one corner of her lip, she finally said, "I don't know if I'm going to keep this baby or not...but I won't kill it." She shrugged, looking down at her hands in her lap. "I can't," she whispered, her palm moving to rest on her abdomen.
My eyes watering, I threw my arms around her. "I'm so glad, Anna."
She nodded as she held me back, and I stroked her hair soothingly, like mom used to do when we were little and frightened. "It will be okay, Anna. I'm here. I'll help you with everything."
She smiled at me when we pulled apart. "I made an appointment with the doctor for next week. Could you go with me?"
Nodding, I pulled her in tight again. "Of course, or course I'll go with you." Pulling back again, I raised my eyebrows. "Can I tell people? Kellan? Jenny?"
Anna immediately shook her head. "No, not yet." I frowned at her and she sighed, slumping. "Look, I don't know if I want to raise a baby, Kiera, and I don't want a million people giving me their opinion right now." She looked up at me, her bright jade eyes determined. "I want this to be my choice, and I want to make it, before the world condemns me for it."
Sighing, I stroked her hair. "Yeah, okay...I won't say anything." She was silent a moment and I added, "Don't you think Griffin should know? Shouldn't he have a say?"
She stared at her hands, not able to look at me. "I know you won't approve of this, Kiera, but if I decide to give it up for adoption..." she looked back up at me, "Griffin will never know that he was the father. I'll never admit to it, and I'll deny it if anyone says otherwise."
Seeing the firm decision already in her eyes, I shook my head. "Why, Anna? Why wouldn't you want him to know?"
Looking away from me, she shrugged. "It's just the way it has to be, Kiera." Looking back up, she shrugged. "If I do keep it...I'll tell him, okay?"
I nodded, hoping I could talk her out of this one. My feelings about Griffin aside, he had a right to know he had a son or daughter in the world. I wasn't sure what he'd do with the information, but I felt like he should have it.
Maybe seeing my inner monologue in my eyes, Anna narrowed hers. "I'm serious about this, Kiera. You can't tell anyone."
Sighing, I shrugged. "I won't...I promise."
Feeling satisfied with that, she stood and left me alone in my room, my head swirling with the drama that seemed to gravitate towards me, like I was some pain-filled planet, pulling angst around me.
But my sister's mood lightened some, the stress around the house easing as well. That next week I did meet with Cheyenne, inviting her over to work together on our projects. She was taking an advanced poetry class in her last quarter and I was taking an advanced expository writing class. It was tough, and in the middle of it, and my other classes, I was also working on getting three letters of recommendation and coming up with a critical-writing sample for my degree requirements.
Even though I enjoyed school, I was very tired, and ready for it to be over with, in a month and a half.
Equally swamped with her own workload, Cheyenne felt my pain. Laughing, we joked about the poetry paper I'd turned in last quarter, that, really, barely classified as college-level material. Sitting across from me at my rickety card table, our books and papers spread between us, Cheyenne sighed and leaned back in her chair.
I started working on my paper when she spoke. "Hey, sorry about...kissing you last week, you know?"
Glancing up at her, a flush filling my cheeks, I shook my head. "Don't worry about it."
She bit her lip and looked down, getting back to work on her own stuff. "Yeah, well, thank you for not freaking out and refusing to ever talk to me again...that would have really sucked."
I laughed a little at her comment, then shook my head. "I've done so many impulsive things that I've regretted later..." I sighed. "I completely understand and I wouldn't make you feel bad about it."
"You? Impulsive?" She giggled a little. "Do tell." Throwing a pencil at her, I frowned at her amused expression. It sort of reminded me of Kellan's.
My sister bounded into the room a couple of seconds later, dressed in sweatpants and a baggy shirt. She wasn't huge or anything yet, but she was trying to hide the slight bump she did have. I had no idea how she was going to explain it away to her work when she got bigger. Her plan for now was letting them all see her constantly eating, so she could blame any chubbiness on over-snacking. Yeah, that might work...for the first few months.
Sucking on a lollipop, that I knew was actually something she'd found at a store called a "Pregger Pop," that supposedly helped with nausea, she widened her eyes at me. "You got kissed, Kiera? I'm so telling Kellan."
I narrowed my eyes at her, silently telling her that she owed it to me to not say a word, and she flushed, quickly saying, "Or not."
Cheyenne started looking a little uncomfortable and I rolled my eyes at my sister, wishing she had just a little bit more tact. The poor girl felt bad enough as it was, she didn't need Anna rubbing salt in the wound.
Looking properly chagrined, Anna put a hand on Cheyenne's shoulder. "Hey, don't worry about it...everybody kisses Kiera."
I smacked Anna's arm but Cheyenne giggled and playfully responded with, "Yeah, well that's because she's so cute."
The both of them started laughing as I shook my head. Was everybody's favorite past time embarrassing me? Anna leaned over and kissed my head at seeing my expression. While I was happy that she was bouncing back some, I wasn't thrilled that she was picking on me again.
She smiled down at me, then frowned a little. "Hey, it's time to go to my...thing."
She shrugged and I knew what she meant-her first doctor's appointment. Inhaling deep, I nodded and started packing up my stuff. Cheyenne took the hint and started packing up hers, too. Walking us down to the parking lot, Cheyenne smiled at Kellan's car as I opened it. "That car is hot...see you later, Kiera," she drawled.
I laughed at her comment and nodded goodbye to her. Yeah, the car was pretty hot, and pretty fun to drive too. I'd never tell Kellan, but I'd taken more than a few long drives in it.
Anna got quieter on the ride over, playing with the zipper of her light jacket. I smiled over at her reassuringly, sort of reminded about how I'd looked and felt when she'd been driving me against my will to see Kellan, over a year ago. I'd been so nervous that night, the night we'd gotten back together, not sure if he'd want to see me, not sure if I'd be able to see him, but that had all worked out for the best, and I was sure this would too.
When we pulled up to the doctor's office, Anna let out a long, unsteady exhale. I put my hand on her shoulder. "Hey, I'm right here, Anna."
She smiled at me, nodding . "Alright, let's do this."
"Doing this" turned out to be a little boring. It mainly involved waiting and filling out paperwork. Anna seemed uncomfortable by all the other pregnant women in the lobby and focused on her issue of Cosmo instead. I looked around at all of the blossoming bellies and tried to picture my sister that way, or me even. Life was so chaotic right now, it was hard to imagine having a baby in the middle of it. Feeling sympathetic, I grabbed Anna's hand while we waited.
Once in the office, we waited some more. Anna stared, horrified, at a diagram posted on the wall of a baby inside a womb. "Oh my God, Kiera, look at the size of it!" She looked back at me, her beautiful eyes as wide as they could go. "How the hell is that head supposed to come out of this hole?"
She pointed down at herself and I shushed her for her very loud comment. "I don't know, Anna, but women do it every day so it must work...somehow."
Closing her eyes, she leaned against my shoulder. "Yeah, and it's going to hurt like f**king hell."
Bumping her shoulder with mine, I twisted my lips. "Do you think you could tone down the language, you are holding an impressionable embryo after all."
She rolled her eyes at me. "It can't hear me, it doesn't have ears yet." Her eyes widened a bit. "Or does it?" Looking down at her stomach, she murmured, "Sorry kid...Mommy's got a potty mouth."
I bit back my grin, amused that she'd referenced herself as a mom. She'd never done that before. I wisely didn't comment on it, though. Anna was in a fragile enough state right now.
I hopped off the table when the doctor came in and Anna immediately grabbed my hand, forcing me to stand next to her. We went through dozens of questions with her and then she brought out a machine that looked like it was used in some torture chamber...or sex shop. Anna eyed the female doctor curiously. "Uh, where does that go?"
The doctor held up a phallic-shaped wand connected to a portable computer. "You're too early for a traditional ultrasound, so we'll have to take an internal one." She smiled as she warmed up the machine. "Ready to see your baby's heartbeat?"
Anna sat up on her elbows, the paper lining beneath her rustling. "You can see that already?"
The doctor nodded and, curious, Anna let her do whatever she wanted with the odd machine. Moments later, my sister saw her first glimpse at her child. Surrounded in a sea of black, a tiny gray speck blinked at us repeatedly, like it was saying hello in Morse code. Anna's jaw dropped. "Is that...?"
The doctor nodded, pointing at the speck we could clearly see. "Yep, that's the heart, strong and steady...perfectly normal."
My eyes teared up watching it and Anna squeezed my hand. When I looked down at her she had one hand on her stomach and tears in her own eyes. "Oh my God, Kiera..." She looked back at me, wide-eyed. "There's something alive in me!"
I chuckled at her response and gave her a quick hug. "Yeah, I know, Anna." Leaning down, I kissed her head. "And it's going to be beautiful, just like its Mom."
She laughed and a tear rolled down her cheek. I think it was the first happy tear I'd seen from Anna lately, and seeing it, gave me hope.
Chapter 22Don't Lie
Anna perked up even more after her doctor's appointment. I spotted her looking at baby clothes when I took her shopping one afternoon, and eyeing infants in strollers as we passed them by. I even found a "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book in the kitchen. Of course, I'd found it in the freezer, so I figured something in there had freaked Anna out. She used to hide scary books when we were kids. When I was nine, I'd found Stephen King's "It" in my sock drawer.
She wasn't quite at the acceptance level yet, but cruising into her ninth week, she was getting there. And only I knew about it. I had a feeling she'd hold off as long as she could on telling people. It wouldn't surprise me if she'd decide to tell our parents by showing up at their doorstep Christmas morning, baby in tow. Assuming she kept it, of course.
I didn't like to think about the possibility that she wouldn't, but thinking about her dilemma, helped detract my head from mine. Conversations with Kellan lately had been quiet. Ever since Jenny had confessed that he was actively engaging someone else on the phone, I didn't know what to think. Sure, he could be talking with just about anybody, from someone at the record label to a friend back in Seattle, but my heart told me that that wasn't it. My heart told me it was a girl.
Face sad but serene, she looked over at me. "I've decided."
"And?" I held my breath, waiting for her answer.
She looked over my face for long seconds that felt like years. Lifting one corner of her lip, she finally said, "I don't know if I'm going to keep this baby or not...but I won't kill it." She shrugged, looking down at her hands in her lap. "I can't," she whispered, her palm moving to rest on her abdomen.
My eyes watering, I threw my arms around her. "I'm so glad, Anna."
She nodded as she held me back, and I stroked her hair soothingly, like mom used to do when we were little and frightened. "It will be okay, Anna. I'm here. I'll help you with everything."
She smiled at me when we pulled apart. "I made an appointment with the doctor for next week. Could you go with me?"
Nodding, I pulled her in tight again. "Of course, or course I'll go with you." Pulling back again, I raised my eyebrows. "Can I tell people? Kellan? Jenny?"
Anna immediately shook her head. "No, not yet." I frowned at her and she sighed, slumping. "Look, I don't know if I want to raise a baby, Kiera, and I don't want a million people giving me their opinion right now." She looked up at me, her bright jade eyes determined. "I want this to be my choice, and I want to make it, before the world condemns me for it."
Sighing, I stroked her hair. "Yeah, okay...I won't say anything." She was silent a moment and I added, "Don't you think Griffin should know? Shouldn't he have a say?"
She stared at her hands, not able to look at me. "I know you won't approve of this, Kiera, but if I decide to give it up for adoption..." she looked back up at me, "Griffin will never know that he was the father. I'll never admit to it, and I'll deny it if anyone says otherwise."
Seeing the firm decision already in her eyes, I shook my head. "Why, Anna? Why wouldn't you want him to know?"
Looking away from me, she shrugged. "It's just the way it has to be, Kiera." Looking back up, she shrugged. "If I do keep it...I'll tell him, okay?"
I nodded, hoping I could talk her out of this one. My feelings about Griffin aside, he had a right to know he had a son or daughter in the world. I wasn't sure what he'd do with the information, but I felt like he should have it.
Maybe seeing my inner monologue in my eyes, Anna narrowed hers. "I'm serious about this, Kiera. You can't tell anyone."
Sighing, I shrugged. "I won't...I promise."
Feeling satisfied with that, she stood and left me alone in my room, my head swirling with the drama that seemed to gravitate towards me, like I was some pain-filled planet, pulling angst around me.
But my sister's mood lightened some, the stress around the house easing as well. That next week I did meet with Cheyenne, inviting her over to work together on our projects. She was taking an advanced poetry class in her last quarter and I was taking an advanced expository writing class. It was tough, and in the middle of it, and my other classes, I was also working on getting three letters of recommendation and coming up with a critical-writing sample for my degree requirements.
Even though I enjoyed school, I was very tired, and ready for it to be over with, in a month and a half.
Equally swamped with her own workload, Cheyenne felt my pain. Laughing, we joked about the poetry paper I'd turned in last quarter, that, really, barely classified as college-level material. Sitting across from me at my rickety card table, our books and papers spread between us, Cheyenne sighed and leaned back in her chair.
I started working on my paper when she spoke. "Hey, sorry about...kissing you last week, you know?"
Glancing up at her, a flush filling my cheeks, I shook my head. "Don't worry about it."
She bit her lip and looked down, getting back to work on her own stuff. "Yeah, well, thank you for not freaking out and refusing to ever talk to me again...that would have really sucked."
I laughed a little at her comment, then shook my head. "I've done so many impulsive things that I've regretted later..." I sighed. "I completely understand and I wouldn't make you feel bad about it."
"You? Impulsive?" She giggled a little. "Do tell." Throwing a pencil at her, I frowned at her amused expression. It sort of reminded me of Kellan's.
My sister bounded into the room a couple of seconds later, dressed in sweatpants and a baggy shirt. She wasn't huge or anything yet, but she was trying to hide the slight bump she did have. I had no idea how she was going to explain it away to her work when she got bigger. Her plan for now was letting them all see her constantly eating, so she could blame any chubbiness on over-snacking. Yeah, that might work...for the first few months.
Sucking on a lollipop, that I knew was actually something she'd found at a store called a "Pregger Pop," that supposedly helped with nausea, she widened her eyes at me. "You got kissed, Kiera? I'm so telling Kellan."
I narrowed my eyes at her, silently telling her that she owed it to me to not say a word, and she flushed, quickly saying, "Or not."
Cheyenne started looking a little uncomfortable and I rolled my eyes at my sister, wishing she had just a little bit more tact. The poor girl felt bad enough as it was, she didn't need Anna rubbing salt in the wound.
Looking properly chagrined, Anna put a hand on Cheyenne's shoulder. "Hey, don't worry about it...everybody kisses Kiera."
I smacked Anna's arm but Cheyenne giggled and playfully responded with, "Yeah, well that's because she's so cute."
The both of them started laughing as I shook my head. Was everybody's favorite past time embarrassing me? Anna leaned over and kissed my head at seeing my expression. While I was happy that she was bouncing back some, I wasn't thrilled that she was picking on me again.
She smiled down at me, then frowned a little. "Hey, it's time to go to my...thing."
She shrugged and I knew what she meant-her first doctor's appointment. Inhaling deep, I nodded and started packing up my stuff. Cheyenne took the hint and started packing up hers, too. Walking us down to the parking lot, Cheyenne smiled at Kellan's car as I opened it. "That car is hot...see you later, Kiera," she drawled.
I laughed at her comment and nodded goodbye to her. Yeah, the car was pretty hot, and pretty fun to drive too. I'd never tell Kellan, but I'd taken more than a few long drives in it.
Anna got quieter on the ride over, playing with the zipper of her light jacket. I smiled over at her reassuringly, sort of reminded about how I'd looked and felt when she'd been driving me against my will to see Kellan, over a year ago. I'd been so nervous that night, the night we'd gotten back together, not sure if he'd want to see me, not sure if I'd be able to see him, but that had all worked out for the best, and I was sure this would too.
When we pulled up to the doctor's office, Anna let out a long, unsteady exhale. I put my hand on her shoulder. "Hey, I'm right here, Anna."
She smiled at me, nodding . "Alright, let's do this."
"Doing this" turned out to be a little boring. It mainly involved waiting and filling out paperwork. Anna seemed uncomfortable by all the other pregnant women in the lobby and focused on her issue of Cosmo instead. I looked around at all of the blossoming bellies and tried to picture my sister that way, or me even. Life was so chaotic right now, it was hard to imagine having a baby in the middle of it. Feeling sympathetic, I grabbed Anna's hand while we waited.
Once in the office, we waited some more. Anna stared, horrified, at a diagram posted on the wall of a baby inside a womb. "Oh my God, Kiera, look at the size of it!" She looked back at me, her beautiful eyes as wide as they could go. "How the hell is that head supposed to come out of this hole?"
She pointed down at herself and I shushed her for her very loud comment. "I don't know, Anna, but women do it every day so it must work...somehow."
Closing her eyes, she leaned against my shoulder. "Yeah, and it's going to hurt like f**king hell."
Bumping her shoulder with mine, I twisted my lips. "Do you think you could tone down the language, you are holding an impressionable embryo after all."
She rolled her eyes at me. "It can't hear me, it doesn't have ears yet." Her eyes widened a bit. "Or does it?" Looking down at her stomach, she murmured, "Sorry kid...Mommy's got a potty mouth."
I bit back my grin, amused that she'd referenced herself as a mom. She'd never done that before. I wisely didn't comment on it, though. Anna was in a fragile enough state right now.
I hopped off the table when the doctor came in and Anna immediately grabbed my hand, forcing me to stand next to her. We went through dozens of questions with her and then she brought out a machine that looked like it was used in some torture chamber...or sex shop. Anna eyed the female doctor curiously. "Uh, where does that go?"
The doctor held up a phallic-shaped wand connected to a portable computer. "You're too early for a traditional ultrasound, so we'll have to take an internal one." She smiled as she warmed up the machine. "Ready to see your baby's heartbeat?"
Anna sat up on her elbows, the paper lining beneath her rustling. "You can see that already?"
The doctor nodded and, curious, Anna let her do whatever she wanted with the odd machine. Moments later, my sister saw her first glimpse at her child. Surrounded in a sea of black, a tiny gray speck blinked at us repeatedly, like it was saying hello in Morse code. Anna's jaw dropped. "Is that...?"
The doctor nodded, pointing at the speck we could clearly see. "Yep, that's the heart, strong and steady...perfectly normal."
My eyes teared up watching it and Anna squeezed my hand. When I looked down at her she had one hand on her stomach and tears in her own eyes. "Oh my God, Kiera..." She looked back at me, wide-eyed. "There's something alive in me!"
I chuckled at her response and gave her a quick hug. "Yeah, I know, Anna." Leaning down, I kissed her head. "And it's going to be beautiful, just like its Mom."
She laughed and a tear rolled down her cheek. I think it was the first happy tear I'd seen from Anna lately, and seeing it, gave me hope.
Chapter 22Don't Lie
Anna perked up even more after her doctor's appointment. I spotted her looking at baby clothes when I took her shopping one afternoon, and eyeing infants in strollers as we passed them by. I even found a "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book in the kitchen. Of course, I'd found it in the freezer, so I figured something in there had freaked Anna out. She used to hide scary books when we were kids. When I was nine, I'd found Stephen King's "It" in my sock drawer.
She wasn't quite at the acceptance level yet, but cruising into her ninth week, she was getting there. And only I knew about it. I had a feeling she'd hold off as long as she could on telling people. It wouldn't surprise me if she'd decide to tell our parents by showing up at their doorstep Christmas morning, baby in tow. Assuming she kept it, of course.
I didn't like to think about the possibility that she wouldn't, but thinking about her dilemma, helped detract my head from mine. Conversations with Kellan lately had been quiet. Ever since Jenny had confessed that he was actively engaging someone else on the phone, I didn't know what to think. Sure, he could be talking with just about anybody, from someone at the record label to a friend back in Seattle, but my heart told me that that wasn't it. My heart told me it was a girl.
