Effortless

Page 71

Kellan didn't let me get five paces before grabbing my arm again. "Wait...please." I reluctantly looked back at him and he shrugged. "I'm sorry, Kiera...please don't walk away."
Pain and anger stinging my eyes, I removed his hand from mine. "You basically called me a whore and said you never wanted to see me again. Why shouldn't I walk away?"
Hanging his head, he shrugged. "I didn't know." He peeked up at me. "I thought... Seeing Denny here...and then...those tests..." He swallowed and closed his eyes. "I just thought...I thought what happened to my dad happened to me. I thought you had another man's baby in you. I was just...angry. I've never felt that ill..." He opened his eyes and tilted his head. "I'm so sorry that I didn't believe you."
I nodded, understanding how he'd come to the conclusion he had. His face relaxed at seeing me acknowledge his apology. He started to wrap his arms around me and I stiffened, pushing him back. He scrunched his brows together and I lifted my hand, showing him the ring encircling my finger.
"I kept my promise...I was faithful." I jerked my thumb back at the house, where his phone was safely tucked away. "Were you?"
His eyes looked back to the house and he bit his lip. Twisting back to me, his eyes latched onto the metal around my finger, then down to the matching ring on his hand. "Kiera...it's not what you think."
I grabbed his cheek, forcing him to look at me. "I don't know what to think, because you won't talk to me. What does that text mean?" I whispered.
His cheek was cool in the night breeze, but seemed even cooler as he stared at me with fear in his eyes. "I can't...I don't think I can..."
He stammered for more to say and I shook my head, angrily. "You have to tell me now, Kellan, because this is tearing us apart." I pointed down the road, to the stop sign that indicated the end of his street. "Tell me now...or I keep walking, and we really do end this."
He shook his head, tears in his eyes. "Please, don't leave me."
Even though his face made me want to cave, even though I wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around him, kiss him, beg him to take me upstairs and make love to me again, but slowly this time, I forced myself to hold firm on my ultimatum. It was now or never.
I raised my eyebrows, waiting. He swallowed, then scrubbed his eyes. "Ugh, Goddamn it..." he muttered. Closing his eyes, he took a few deep breaths. When he opened them again, he seemed...resigned. "Okay, I'll tell you." He looked around the empty street. "But not here, alright...let's go back inside..."
I exhaled a shaky breath, resigned as well. Whatever this was between us was finally going to be put out in the open...and I wasn't entirely thrilled about it. Kellan took my hand and led me back to his house. He kept his head down the entire way and I watched a shiver go through him. I figured it wasn't from the light breeze either.
Back inside, he indicated his lumpy couch as he gently shut the door. It was the first time in a while that a door had been shut quietly around us. As I sat down, he started pacing in front of me. It spiked my nerves and I wanted him to sit down. He seemed to need the release of movement, though, so I said nothing.
Shifting back and forth, he wiped his palms on his jeans, like he was nervous. It was odd to see on him, he very rarely got nervous. Glancing at me at every turn in his back and forth strut, he still didn't say anything. Thinking he wasn't going to be able to, I tried starting the conversation. "Who was that on the phone?"
He stopped and brought his fingers to the bridge of his nose. "Ugh, I can't...start there, Kiera."
I bit my lip, nodding and waiting for him to start where he could. Sighing, he stopped moving and stood in front of me. Running his hand down his face, his expression so worn I thought he might drop at any moment, he shook his head. "Back in December, a girl came up to me backstage."
I felt my stomach tighten as he paused. So it was about a girl? I wished I could say I was shocked...but I wasn't. Seeing my expression, Kellan slumped a little. "She told me..."
As Kellan stopped to swallow, a sudden burst of insight hit me. It was so obvious. I didn't know why I hadn't thought of it sooner. Dread and sadness filled me as I completely understood. "She told you that you have a child...right? Sometime in your life, you weren't safe...and now, somewhere out there, you've got a kid."
Tears filled my eyes as my vision of a future with Kellan irrevocably shifted. He'd never shut out a child and I'd have to share a piece of him with another woman...forever. Sadness that I wasn't the one to have his firstborn nearly overwhelmed me, and a lone tear rolled down my cheek.
Seeing it, he squatted in front of me. Cupping my cheek, he shook his head. "No, Kiera...that's not it at all." Sighing, he rested his head against mine. "There isn't a miniature version of me out there anywhere, Kiera...okay?"
Swiping my fingers under my eyes, I scrunched my brows, even more lost than before. "Then what is it, Kellan? Because I really don't understand."
He sat back on his heels, his head down. "I know you don't. And I know it seems like I'm hiding an affair..." Looking up at me, he shrugged. "Do you really not see, knowing what you know about me, what might make me...lie to you?"
Pain flashed through me that he'd openly admitted to lying. More tears running down my face, I shook my head. He exhaled, looking a little defeated that he'd have to tell me, that I couldn't guess it so he wouldn't have to say it. Closing his eyes, he whispered, "She told me that she wanted me to meet...her father."
When he opened his eyes, they were moist. I blinked, surprised. "Father? That's...odd."
Kellan smiled sadly, shaking his head. "Yeah, well, she seems to think that...he might be my father, too."
He'd said it so quietly that it took me a moment to register the words. When I did, my mouth dropped open. "Your father, too? So she's your...?" I blinked, my mind still processing. "Wait, your father? Your biological father? Is he? Is she...your sister?"
"Yes, she showed me an old picture of him and even if the resemblance hadn't made it painfully obvious...I'd seen the same picture before. Mom showed it to me once..." Kellan swallowed, his eyes brimming with tears as he held my gaze. "And I can't, Kiera, I just can't see him...I can't do it."
I was so floored, I had nothing to say. I stared at him in complete shock. Every scenario that I'd ever dreamt up about Kellan's secret revolved him keeping the truth from me because of guilt, because of a girl. I'd never once imagined that he'd been hiding things from me out of pain, because he couldn't deal with the situation.
I couldn't imagine anything more life-changing for Kellan right now than contact from the man who'd spawned him. Spawned him, then abandoned him. He'd left him to a fate that no child should have to go through. I couldn't even really imagine what Kellan was feeling right now-confused, hurt? Or maybe he wasn't feeling anything yet. Maybe he was suffering a case of denial that rivaled my sister's.
Wondering if that was why he hadn't just told me from the very beginning, I leaned over and cupped his cheeks. His eyes flashed between mine, like he was a wounded animal in a trap that he desperately wanted to run from.
"Why didn't you ever say anything to me?"
He immediately started shaking his head. "I know you. You'd want me to meet with him. You'd want me to have some...bonding family moment with him...and I...I can't, Kiera."
Sighing, I stroked his cheek with my thumb. "He's your family, Kellan..."
Kellan shot to his feet. "No, no he's nothing to me!" Running his hands back through his hair, he started looking around his home, his parents' home. "He left me. He took off and abandoned me. He let me grown up with...those...people." His body started shaking, his jaw clenching. "He wanted nothing to do with me...so I want nothing to do with him..."
His voice cracked in his anger and I stood. Stepping into his trembling body, I ran my hand up his chest, to his jaw. The strong muscles there were still clamped tight as Kellan looked anywhere but directly at me. "He didn't know what situation he was leaving you in. How could he? Maybe he thought he was doing you a favor by stepping away, by not permanently breaking up the family he'd already...damaged."
Kellan's eyes snapped down to mine. "A favor? My dad used to whip me with his belt when he got angry. He'd hit me so hard that I had to sleep on my stomach for days afterwards. And I learned early on that running away from him would only make it worse when he did catch me. So I had to stand there, like a dog, and let him beat me. How is that...a favor?"
Kellan's eyes watered as he told me a horror that he never had before. I swallowed the lump in my throat and shook my head. "He didn't know...maybe you should see him so you can tell him, so you can finally talk about this stuff with someone."
He brushed past me, shaking his head. "I don't need to talk about it, Kiera. I'm fine." He looked back at me as he resumed his pacing. "And I don't need to see him...ever." He raised his chin. "Besides, I do have family. I have one aunt who despises me as much as my mom did. But I don't care. I don't need them. I'm fine on my own."
Knowing Kellan hated to be on his own, hated being alone, I shook my head and stepped in front of him, breaking his cycle of movement. "That's just it, you aren't on your own anymore. You have family members out there that want to get to know you." He started to look away from me and I ducked down to meet his eye. "You have a sister, Kellan...don't you want to know her?"
Sighing, he paused and looked over my shoulder. "Hailey told me I have a brother, too..."
I smiled at how his family was getting bigger and bigger. He'd been alone for so long, maybe this was a good thing, not the nightmare he seemed to think it was. "Hailey? Is that your sister?"
Kellan nodded, then looked back down at me. Shrugging, he said, "I gave her my cell number once she told me who she was, and we've kept in contact." He smiled a little, then a short laugh escaped him. "She's pretty funny. Pretty smart, too. We've been talking a lot lately...she's a good kid."
My eyes widened as a puzzle piece locked into place. "That's who Jenny saw you talking to all the time when she was visiting Evan? Your sister, right?"
Bunching his brows at me, he shook his head. "Jenny? In Texas?" He looked away, puzzled, then looked back, an answer in his eyes. "Is that why you thought I was cheating on you? Because Jenny saw me laughing on the phone with someone else?"
I bit my lip and nodded. Pointing to his jacket on the hooks by the front door, I frowned. "Plus all of the mysterious texts you wouldn't let me see. You have to admit that was kind of suspicious."
Hurt at how he'd tried to shut me out of his life crept into my voice, and sighing, Kellan cupped my cheeks. "I'm sorry...I never meant for any of this to hurt you. I just wasn't ready..." He hung his head and swallowed. "I wanted to tell you, so many times...but I could never make myself say the words."
Looking back up at me, he shrugged. "It was like, if I told you...it was real...and I wanted to pretend that it wasn't." He closed his eyes and shook his head. "I just wanted to ignore it...ignore him..." His voice hardening, it started to warble with emotion. "But Hailey gave him my number, and he texts me every day...every Goddamn day..."