Elphame's Choice
Chapter Thirty-Three
Sunlight peered through the high slit windows of the Chieftain's chamber, and Elphame blinked against the brightness of the early morning. She sat up too abruptly, and the room swam. Her head felt thick and her mouth was overly dry. It was like she had indulged in too much wine the night before, even though she had not touched the fruit of the vine. What was wrong with her? She rubbed at her neck, which itched vaguely, and her fingers found the scabs that clotted the two small wounds.
Lochlan...
The night came back to her in a rush.
He had left her. She breathed deeply and evenly. She would not cry again; she would think. Just go over what happened, she told herself, there must be a rational reason for Lochlan's behavior.
All had been well at first. He had comforted her fears about Cuchulainn's future sadness. He had promised that they would face whatever the future brought together. He had made love to her.
And he had tasted her blood. It was then that he had flung himself away from her. What was it he had said?
"It cannot be this way! I will not let it be this way!"
What had he meant? Yes, the bloodletting had made her feel strangely euphoric, and then had acted on her like a potent sleeping drug. She was still feeling its effects. But it had been nothing terrible. Her hand found the wounds at her neck again as she remembered the amazingly erotic sensations that had flowed through her body when he drank her blood.
She knew that he had spent his life rejecting his dark heritage, and last night he had even revealed to her that that struggle was driving his people mad. She shuddered as she remembered the sadness in his voice when he had spoken of the children. Maybe when he tasted her blood it had been, to him, a giving in - a kind of acceptance, a battle lost to that which he hated most about himself. Did that mean that in his mind she was now tied to that self-hatred?
No! She wouldn't believe it. Lochlan was her husband, sworn before Epona to love her. The night they had joined in handfast she had chosen to trust him.
Their road together would not be smooth - the two of them already knew that. She would not falter at the first obstacle they faced.
He had told her not to follow him. So she would believe in him, and wait. Until he reappeared, she had to go on with the daily activities of restoring the castle and leading her clan. She didn't have the luxury of other young women. Her clan did not need a Chieftain who did nothing but moon around after her lost love.
Was he lost? The thought chilled her and she shook it from her mind.
Trying to regain some sense of normalcy, she went to the pitcher and cup that sat on her vanity. She'd finished three full cups of water before her hands had ceased shaking.
Elphame looked back at the bed. Their clothes were still lying in crumpled heaps beside it. A tremor of fear skittered down her spine. He had rushed away from her, naked and alone. Why? her mind screamed. Oh, Lochlan, what is wrong?
Normalcy. She'd bathe, break her fast and then throw herself into the restoration of the castle. It had been too long since she had last demanded hard physical labor from her body. Today she would use that extrahuman strength of which she was so proud. She must do something physically tiring. Something that would force her body to stop aching for his caress.
In a fog that felt very much like she was moving through a fever-dream, she descended to her bathing chamber. The tunnel door was still ajar. Carefully keeping her mind blank, she closed it. Then quickly and impersonally, she bathed herself, washing away Lochlan's lingering scent.
Returning to her bedchamber she chose a simple linen blouse and then wrapped herself in her clan's plaid, securely fastening it with The MacCallan brooch. She turned back to face the bed. Its rumpled state and the discarded piles of clothing beside it made her stomach tighten.
Two knocks sounded against the wooden door. For a moment Elphame felt as if she had turned to stone, but when the knocks were repeated more insistently, she lurched forward, kicking the puddle of clothes out of sight under her bed.
The door opened slowly.
"Elphame?" Brenna's soft voice called hesitantly.
"Come in, Brenna," Elphame said, painting a welcoming smile on her stiff face. "Good morning to you."
The little Healer entered the room and it seemed to Elphame that all the brightness that had vanished from her own body had found new life within Brenna. Her hair, which she usually wore carefully pulled over her right shoulder so that she could easily duck her head forward and it would fall, curtainlike over her scars, spilled in messy disarray down her back, leaving her face open and glowing. Her step was light as she almost skipped into the room. Elphame even thought her dress looked different - then she realized that her clothing hadn't changed, it was simply no longer laced tightly beneath her chin.
"Love suits you, Brenna," Elphame said.
"It's Cuchulainn who suits me." Brenna's cheeks flushed, but she didn't look away from her friend's candid gaze.
"It's good to see that all of his past indiscretions have finally come to some use." As soon as she had spoken the words her hand flew to her mouth. What a ridiculously insensitive thing for her to say! Could she not think clearly enough to keep from wounding her friend? "Forgive me, Brenna! That was an awful thing for me to say."
Brenna's bright laughter filled the room. "It's not awful, it's true. I certainly did not believe Cuchulainn was an inexperienced virgin." She lowered her voice conspiratorially. "Last night it was a good thing one of us knew what to do." She giggled girlishly. "A very good thing. And anyway, I cannot change your brother's past. Why should I wish to? His life has fashioned him as he is, and I love him as he is." She grasped Elphame's hand and gushed. "Oh, I am so completely happy! I never allowed myself to dream of being loved by a man, any man, but to have won the love of a man such as Cuchulainn! If my heart stopped beating now, this very second, I would die happy and complete."
Elphame smiled fondly at her. Brenna's happiness was like balm to her wounded heart. It reminded her that love did happen - that happy endings were possible. "Your heart can't stop beating yet, not until you've given me at least a dozen nieces and nephews to spoil."
Brenna tapped her chin, considering. "A dozen in total, or a dozen of each?"
"I'll let my mother answer that question. And, speaking of the Incarnate Goddess of Epona, be prepared for her to insist upon conducting your wedding herself - and soon - even though she will probably weep during the entire service."
Some of the happy pink left Brenna's cheeks.
"Cu says she'll like me."
"Don't worry, Brenna, she'll love you. Where is that brother of mine? Still abed?"
"No, he went on to the Great Hall. I told him that I wanted to make sure you were feeling well this morning." She narrowed her eyes and studied Elphame, slipping easily from giddy young lover to Healer.
"You look pale. Didn't you sleep soundly?"
"I slept fine. I'm probably pale because I've spent too much time inside and not enough time out under the open sky. Let's break our fast together and then I'll remedy that." She started for the door, but Brenna's next question brought her up short.
"What happened to your neck?"
Elphame ran her fingertips over the small marks and forced herself to shrug nonchalantly. "I must have scratched myself."
"They look more like bites."
"Could be a small spider. I suppose that proves that our new home isn't perfect." She took Brenna's hand and tugged her toward the door.
"I'll remind Meara to check the corners of your chamber for spiderwebs."
Elphame made a vague sound of agreement, and then quickly changed the subject.
"How is that cub of my brother's?"
Brenna rolled her eyes. "Did he tell you he named her Fand?"
Elphame felt real laughter bubble from her breast, and as she laughed with her friend the knot within her loosened. Chatting companionably they made their way through the beauty of the Main Courtyard and into the Great Hall, where her clan was congregating and an aromatic breakfast was being served.
Elphame was greeted warmly, and it made her heart gladden to see her brother take Brenna into his arms and kiss her soundly.
She was Chieftain of this amazing clan. If Lochlan had abandoned their love, she would survive. No, she would do better than survive. She would live and prosper and spend her days surrounded by the love and respect of her people. And perhaps someday she would tell her nieces and nephews a tall tale about a winged creature, and the Goddess who had, for a brief time, loved him.
Elphame smiled at the cub that frolicked awkwardly around her brother's feet as they walked toward the group of workers who waited just inside the castle walls. She could hardly believe that the fat, energetic Fand was the same creature that Cu had dragged half-dead from her den just days ago.
"El, are you sure you're feeling well enough for this?"
"Don't start that, Cu. You heard Brenna. She said that I'm healed enough to go back to work. And this is exactly the kind of work I want to do today."
Cu cocked an eyebrow at her. "Why would you choose to help us chop down trees, and clear forest scrub instead of something - "
"Something easier?" Elphame interrupted him with a disgusted snort. "I've never been especially interested in easier, Cu. You tell me - what would you choose to do if you had been forced to be inactive for as long as I have been?"
"You were severely wounded, El," he reminded her.
"What would you choose?" she insisted.
His sigh turned into laughter. "I would choose to get my hands dirty and my muscles warm."
"As would I." She grinned back at him.
The workers greeted them, and were pleasantly surprised to hear that The MacCallan would be joining them in their work. They hefted their axes and blades and followed Cuchulainn and Elphame through the front walls.
"My thought is this," Cu said, pointing at the surrounding forest, "we have cleared the castle grounds, but I would still like the tree line itself to be moved back several paces. The roofers have called for more wood, so it will benefit us twofold." He was about to give them specific instructions when he felt a tingling against the left side of his body. He turned his head and his words stopped. His sister stood to his left, and waves of heat emanated from her. He felt a familiar trepidation, as he witnessed, once again, the power of the Goddess come alive within her.
Elphame stared above the trees. The sky was the startling blue that seemed only to happen on spring mornings that followed nighttime rains. The sun had just crested the sea of surrounding pines and it spilled waves of warmth and brilliance against the living walls of MacCallan Castle. Elphame's body absorbed the sun's rays like the touch of a long-absent parent, and she felt the power of the Goddess fill her.
"Epona has touched this day," Elphame's voice was reverent. "Let us thank the Goddess for Her presence and ask Her blessing upon our clan."
As Elphame lifted her face into the warmth of the morning sun, she felt the men kneel around her. She glanced to her side, and Cuchulainn, too, had dropped to his knees. She looked at her people. They knelt respectfully, but their heads were not bowed. Following her lead, they raised their faces to the sunlight. Elphame Felt the Tightness of it, and when she lifted her arms to evoke Epona's name, the tingling power of the Goddess danced all along her skin.
"O, Great Goddess Epona, we feel Your mighty
presence today
and ask that Your spirit flow through our clan.
We have set forth upon a new path here,
and with Your divine aid we will continue to
breathe life into MacCallan Castle, the ancestral
home of those whose blood You have always held
dear.
We thank You, and ask Your blessing in
the soft and whispering winds from afar,
the warming and quickening light from afar,
the cool waters of the seas and streams,
and the far lands and wild places.
We are honored to have Your spirit among us.
Hail Epona!"
Those surrounding her took up the cry, and, to Elphame's delight, the words "Hail Epona!" echoed from the walls of her castle, filling the morning with a sense of love and magic that would linger between them for the remainder of the morning.
The winged creature watched from the safety of the forest's shadows. Lochlan had lied to them; here was the undeniable proof. The hoofed goddess stood before the walls of the castle, surrounded by her people who knelt in acknowledgment of her power. Epona filled her - she glowed with the Goddess's indwelling spirit. And she evoked the Goddess's blessing with simple words, as if it was her birthright -
which it so obviously was. She was, indeed, a living, breathing goddess.
They must not leave Partholon without her. The fate of their people depended upon it. Dark thoughts surged through the creature's mind, and this time no attempt was made to repress them. The hoofed goddess needed to be drawn out into the forest, away from the protective walls of her castle. Lochlan would not do it, so they must find another way.
Within the darkness of the creature's mind, an idea formed, birthed in madness and bathed in blood.
Lochlan...
The night came back to her in a rush.
He had left her. She breathed deeply and evenly. She would not cry again; she would think. Just go over what happened, she told herself, there must be a rational reason for Lochlan's behavior.
All had been well at first. He had comforted her fears about Cuchulainn's future sadness. He had promised that they would face whatever the future brought together. He had made love to her.
And he had tasted her blood. It was then that he had flung himself away from her. What was it he had said?
"It cannot be this way! I will not let it be this way!"
What had he meant? Yes, the bloodletting had made her feel strangely euphoric, and then had acted on her like a potent sleeping drug. She was still feeling its effects. But it had been nothing terrible. Her hand found the wounds at her neck again as she remembered the amazingly erotic sensations that had flowed through her body when he drank her blood.
She knew that he had spent his life rejecting his dark heritage, and last night he had even revealed to her that that struggle was driving his people mad. She shuddered as she remembered the sadness in his voice when he had spoken of the children. Maybe when he tasted her blood it had been, to him, a giving in - a kind of acceptance, a battle lost to that which he hated most about himself. Did that mean that in his mind she was now tied to that self-hatred?
No! She wouldn't believe it. Lochlan was her husband, sworn before Epona to love her. The night they had joined in handfast she had chosen to trust him.
Their road together would not be smooth - the two of them already knew that. She would not falter at the first obstacle they faced.
He had told her not to follow him. So she would believe in him, and wait. Until he reappeared, she had to go on with the daily activities of restoring the castle and leading her clan. She didn't have the luxury of other young women. Her clan did not need a Chieftain who did nothing but moon around after her lost love.
Was he lost? The thought chilled her and she shook it from her mind.
Trying to regain some sense of normalcy, she went to the pitcher and cup that sat on her vanity. She'd finished three full cups of water before her hands had ceased shaking.
Elphame looked back at the bed. Their clothes were still lying in crumpled heaps beside it. A tremor of fear skittered down her spine. He had rushed away from her, naked and alone. Why? her mind screamed. Oh, Lochlan, what is wrong?
Normalcy. She'd bathe, break her fast and then throw herself into the restoration of the castle. It had been too long since she had last demanded hard physical labor from her body. Today she would use that extrahuman strength of which she was so proud. She must do something physically tiring. Something that would force her body to stop aching for his caress.
In a fog that felt very much like she was moving through a fever-dream, she descended to her bathing chamber. The tunnel door was still ajar. Carefully keeping her mind blank, she closed it. Then quickly and impersonally, she bathed herself, washing away Lochlan's lingering scent.
Returning to her bedchamber she chose a simple linen blouse and then wrapped herself in her clan's plaid, securely fastening it with The MacCallan brooch. She turned back to face the bed. Its rumpled state and the discarded piles of clothing beside it made her stomach tighten.
Two knocks sounded against the wooden door. For a moment Elphame felt as if she had turned to stone, but when the knocks were repeated more insistently, she lurched forward, kicking the puddle of clothes out of sight under her bed.
The door opened slowly.
"Elphame?" Brenna's soft voice called hesitantly.
"Come in, Brenna," Elphame said, painting a welcoming smile on her stiff face. "Good morning to you."
The little Healer entered the room and it seemed to Elphame that all the brightness that had vanished from her own body had found new life within Brenna. Her hair, which she usually wore carefully pulled over her right shoulder so that she could easily duck her head forward and it would fall, curtainlike over her scars, spilled in messy disarray down her back, leaving her face open and glowing. Her step was light as she almost skipped into the room. Elphame even thought her dress looked different - then she realized that her clothing hadn't changed, it was simply no longer laced tightly beneath her chin.
"Love suits you, Brenna," Elphame said.
"It's Cuchulainn who suits me." Brenna's cheeks flushed, but she didn't look away from her friend's candid gaze.
"It's good to see that all of his past indiscretions have finally come to some use." As soon as she had spoken the words her hand flew to her mouth. What a ridiculously insensitive thing for her to say! Could she not think clearly enough to keep from wounding her friend? "Forgive me, Brenna! That was an awful thing for me to say."
Brenna's bright laughter filled the room. "It's not awful, it's true. I certainly did not believe Cuchulainn was an inexperienced virgin." She lowered her voice conspiratorially. "Last night it was a good thing one of us knew what to do." She giggled girlishly. "A very good thing. And anyway, I cannot change your brother's past. Why should I wish to? His life has fashioned him as he is, and I love him as he is." She grasped Elphame's hand and gushed. "Oh, I am so completely happy! I never allowed myself to dream of being loved by a man, any man, but to have won the love of a man such as Cuchulainn! If my heart stopped beating now, this very second, I would die happy and complete."
Elphame smiled fondly at her. Brenna's happiness was like balm to her wounded heart. It reminded her that love did happen - that happy endings were possible. "Your heart can't stop beating yet, not until you've given me at least a dozen nieces and nephews to spoil."
Brenna tapped her chin, considering. "A dozen in total, or a dozen of each?"
"I'll let my mother answer that question. And, speaking of the Incarnate Goddess of Epona, be prepared for her to insist upon conducting your wedding herself - and soon - even though she will probably weep during the entire service."
Some of the happy pink left Brenna's cheeks.
"Cu says she'll like me."
"Don't worry, Brenna, she'll love you. Where is that brother of mine? Still abed?"
"No, he went on to the Great Hall. I told him that I wanted to make sure you were feeling well this morning." She narrowed her eyes and studied Elphame, slipping easily from giddy young lover to Healer.
"You look pale. Didn't you sleep soundly?"
"I slept fine. I'm probably pale because I've spent too much time inside and not enough time out under the open sky. Let's break our fast together and then I'll remedy that." She started for the door, but Brenna's next question brought her up short.
"What happened to your neck?"
Elphame ran her fingertips over the small marks and forced herself to shrug nonchalantly. "I must have scratched myself."
"They look more like bites."
"Could be a small spider. I suppose that proves that our new home isn't perfect." She took Brenna's hand and tugged her toward the door.
"I'll remind Meara to check the corners of your chamber for spiderwebs."
Elphame made a vague sound of agreement, and then quickly changed the subject.
"How is that cub of my brother's?"
Brenna rolled her eyes. "Did he tell you he named her Fand?"
Elphame felt real laughter bubble from her breast, and as she laughed with her friend the knot within her loosened. Chatting companionably they made their way through the beauty of the Main Courtyard and into the Great Hall, where her clan was congregating and an aromatic breakfast was being served.
Elphame was greeted warmly, and it made her heart gladden to see her brother take Brenna into his arms and kiss her soundly.
She was Chieftain of this amazing clan. If Lochlan had abandoned their love, she would survive. No, she would do better than survive. She would live and prosper and spend her days surrounded by the love and respect of her people. And perhaps someday she would tell her nieces and nephews a tall tale about a winged creature, and the Goddess who had, for a brief time, loved him.
Elphame smiled at the cub that frolicked awkwardly around her brother's feet as they walked toward the group of workers who waited just inside the castle walls. She could hardly believe that the fat, energetic Fand was the same creature that Cu had dragged half-dead from her den just days ago.
"El, are you sure you're feeling well enough for this?"
"Don't start that, Cu. You heard Brenna. She said that I'm healed enough to go back to work. And this is exactly the kind of work I want to do today."
Cu cocked an eyebrow at her. "Why would you choose to help us chop down trees, and clear forest scrub instead of something - "
"Something easier?" Elphame interrupted him with a disgusted snort. "I've never been especially interested in easier, Cu. You tell me - what would you choose to do if you had been forced to be inactive for as long as I have been?"
"You were severely wounded, El," he reminded her.
"What would you choose?" she insisted.
His sigh turned into laughter. "I would choose to get my hands dirty and my muscles warm."
"As would I." She grinned back at him.
The workers greeted them, and were pleasantly surprised to hear that The MacCallan would be joining them in their work. They hefted their axes and blades and followed Cuchulainn and Elphame through the front walls.
"My thought is this," Cu said, pointing at the surrounding forest, "we have cleared the castle grounds, but I would still like the tree line itself to be moved back several paces. The roofers have called for more wood, so it will benefit us twofold." He was about to give them specific instructions when he felt a tingling against the left side of his body. He turned his head and his words stopped. His sister stood to his left, and waves of heat emanated from her. He felt a familiar trepidation, as he witnessed, once again, the power of the Goddess come alive within her.
Elphame stared above the trees. The sky was the startling blue that seemed only to happen on spring mornings that followed nighttime rains. The sun had just crested the sea of surrounding pines and it spilled waves of warmth and brilliance against the living walls of MacCallan Castle. Elphame's body absorbed the sun's rays like the touch of a long-absent parent, and she felt the power of the Goddess fill her.
"Epona has touched this day," Elphame's voice was reverent. "Let us thank the Goddess for Her presence and ask Her blessing upon our clan."
As Elphame lifted her face into the warmth of the morning sun, she felt the men kneel around her. She glanced to her side, and Cuchulainn, too, had dropped to his knees. She looked at her people. They knelt respectfully, but their heads were not bowed. Following her lead, they raised their faces to the sunlight. Elphame Felt the Tightness of it, and when she lifted her arms to evoke Epona's name, the tingling power of the Goddess danced all along her skin.
"O, Great Goddess Epona, we feel Your mighty
presence today
and ask that Your spirit flow through our clan.
We have set forth upon a new path here,
and with Your divine aid we will continue to
breathe life into MacCallan Castle, the ancestral
home of those whose blood You have always held
dear.
We thank You, and ask Your blessing in
the soft and whispering winds from afar,
the warming and quickening light from afar,
the cool waters of the seas and streams,
and the far lands and wild places.
We are honored to have Your spirit among us.
Hail Epona!"
Those surrounding her took up the cry, and, to Elphame's delight, the words "Hail Epona!" echoed from the walls of her castle, filling the morning with a sense of love and magic that would linger between them for the remainder of the morning.
The winged creature watched from the safety of the forest's shadows. Lochlan had lied to them; here was the undeniable proof. The hoofed goddess stood before the walls of the castle, surrounded by her people who knelt in acknowledgment of her power. Epona filled her - she glowed with the Goddess's indwelling spirit. And she evoked the Goddess's blessing with simple words, as if it was her birthright -
which it so obviously was. She was, indeed, a living, breathing goddess.
They must not leave Partholon without her. The fate of their people depended upon it. Dark thoughts surged through the creature's mind, and this time no attempt was made to repress them. The hoofed goddess needed to be drawn out into the forest, away from the protective walls of her castle. Lochlan would not do it, so they must find another way.
Within the darkness of the creature's mind, an idea formed, birthed in madness and bathed in blood.
