Eternally North
Page 107
“What if someone comes in? Boleyn’s here for god’s sake!”
“She’s with my mother and we’re hidden, no-one will see. Now be quiet, I can’t talk with my mouth full.”
Screw it. No-one will miss us for five steamy minutes!
We were wrong. Dead wrong.
We heard a surprised cough, and I pushed Tudor’s puckered mouth off the top of my slightly exposed Ta-Tas to see Henry with his hand over his eyes, facing the opposite wall. “Not again! Tudor, Mom said can you stop making out with your girlfriend for once and please let her eat and actually spend time with other people?”
My hot and bothered boyfriend never looked back at his massively embarrassed big brother and instead pounced on my lips, ignoring the intrusion.
I giggled against his mouth when I heard from the next room. “Mom!!! I can’t go back in there again. I think I just got knocked up from watching them! There are just some things you shouldn't see your little brother doing - heavy petting being top of the list!”
That did it; I burst out laughing and rushed to fasten my gaping top. I grabbed Tudor’s hand and led him to the door. “Come on, my horny man. We need to go.”
He stopped and turned, adjusting his trousers. “Erm… you go ahead, I’m just going to need a few minutes.”
That made me giggle some more, and as I was walking away I heard, “This is going to be a real long friggin’ night!”
Pamela brought out the first course, and my stomach rumbled in appreciation of the cantaloupe melon wrapped in Parma ham. Tudor was sitting beside me and Tink opposite.
Once everyone was settled and tucking in, Pamela began the grilling. “So, Tink, how are you finding Calgary?”
He tipped his head and smiled. “Well Pam-Pam, I’m loving it! It’s colder than a witch’s tit, but at least I have this gorgeous guy here to keep me warm at night, and he can make me hot in no time!” He put an arm around his Pookie’s neck and planted a wet smacker on his cheek. Tate didn’t at all see the inappropriateness of his beloved boyfriend’s comments and continued to smile sweetly as if the fairy had just spouted something profound and with substance. The rest of the Norths gaped. Tink, being Tink, didn’t have a clue that most people around the table weren’t yet accustomed to his ways, and he carried on shoveling his starter into his mouth.
Pamela just stared at me, and I grimaced and shrugged. That was Tink – direct and unapologetic.
She continued. “So how did you two meet?” smiling at both me and the other Geordie gobshite.
Shit! I hate this story.
I went to speak, but Tink beat me to it. “Well Pam-Pam, funny story. We were twelve, it was a typical hard Northern winter, and we were both getting bullied. We met in the school’s ‘Beat the Bullies’ group.”
Tudor looked at me in shock. “You got bullied in school? Why?”
I opened my mouth to explain, but once again Tink dived in. “Because she looked like the arse-end of a truck, that’s why! Can you say ‘Wide-Load’?”
I dropped my fork and it clattered on the plate, making everyone freeze. I glared daggers at my soon-to-be-dead bestie. He looked back at me blankly.
“Thanks, Tink, why don’t you tell them why you were there?” I challenged. His eyes narrowed. “Because the kids at school were homophobic,” he delivered regally, a smug expression on his face.
“Oh, really? Nothing to do with you strutting your stuff in a bikini, fairy wings and a tutu, hiding in the rugby team’s shower offering baby oil rub-downs with guaranteed happy endings?”
He let out a soprano shriek, making everyone flinch in their seats – well, apart from Tater-Tot, who was gazing lovingly at his boyfriend, chin supported on his hand.
“You bitch! At least I wasn’t tied to a goal post and prodded with a stick!”
I laughed sarcastically. “You bloody wish you got prodded with a stick, in fact, you dreamt about it didn’t you?”
He put a hand across his chest and opened his mouth in shock before snapping it shut and nodding in agreement. “True, Boo. Loves ya.”
I winked and smiled lovingly. “Loves ya, too,” and we carried on eating our food.
I looked up after a few silent seconds and noticed several sets of eyes frozen on us, especially Boleyn’s – whoopsy! I just shrugged. This was normal, they had better get used to us, and what’s a family dinner without a bit of friendly banter?
As the night went on, we chatted about all sorts of things. Pamela was very easy to get on with. For the mother of my boyfriend, she was pretty awesome. I think she even got used to Tink and his…unique personality.
“She’s with my mother and we’re hidden, no-one will see. Now be quiet, I can’t talk with my mouth full.”
Screw it. No-one will miss us for five steamy minutes!
We were wrong. Dead wrong.
We heard a surprised cough, and I pushed Tudor’s puckered mouth off the top of my slightly exposed Ta-Tas to see Henry with his hand over his eyes, facing the opposite wall. “Not again! Tudor, Mom said can you stop making out with your girlfriend for once and please let her eat and actually spend time with other people?”
My hot and bothered boyfriend never looked back at his massively embarrassed big brother and instead pounced on my lips, ignoring the intrusion.
I giggled against his mouth when I heard from the next room. “Mom!!! I can’t go back in there again. I think I just got knocked up from watching them! There are just some things you shouldn't see your little brother doing - heavy petting being top of the list!”
That did it; I burst out laughing and rushed to fasten my gaping top. I grabbed Tudor’s hand and led him to the door. “Come on, my horny man. We need to go.”
He stopped and turned, adjusting his trousers. “Erm… you go ahead, I’m just going to need a few minutes.”
That made me giggle some more, and as I was walking away I heard, “This is going to be a real long friggin’ night!”
Pamela brought out the first course, and my stomach rumbled in appreciation of the cantaloupe melon wrapped in Parma ham. Tudor was sitting beside me and Tink opposite.
Once everyone was settled and tucking in, Pamela began the grilling. “So, Tink, how are you finding Calgary?”
He tipped his head and smiled. “Well Pam-Pam, I’m loving it! It’s colder than a witch’s tit, but at least I have this gorgeous guy here to keep me warm at night, and he can make me hot in no time!” He put an arm around his Pookie’s neck and planted a wet smacker on his cheek. Tate didn’t at all see the inappropriateness of his beloved boyfriend’s comments and continued to smile sweetly as if the fairy had just spouted something profound and with substance. The rest of the Norths gaped. Tink, being Tink, didn’t have a clue that most people around the table weren’t yet accustomed to his ways, and he carried on shoveling his starter into his mouth.
Pamela just stared at me, and I grimaced and shrugged. That was Tink – direct and unapologetic.
She continued. “So how did you two meet?” smiling at both me and the other Geordie gobshite.
Shit! I hate this story.
I went to speak, but Tink beat me to it. “Well Pam-Pam, funny story. We were twelve, it was a typical hard Northern winter, and we were both getting bullied. We met in the school’s ‘Beat the Bullies’ group.”
Tudor looked at me in shock. “You got bullied in school? Why?”
I opened my mouth to explain, but once again Tink dived in. “Because she looked like the arse-end of a truck, that’s why! Can you say ‘Wide-Load’?”
I dropped my fork and it clattered on the plate, making everyone freeze. I glared daggers at my soon-to-be-dead bestie. He looked back at me blankly.
“Thanks, Tink, why don’t you tell them why you were there?” I challenged. His eyes narrowed. “Because the kids at school were homophobic,” he delivered regally, a smug expression on his face.
“Oh, really? Nothing to do with you strutting your stuff in a bikini, fairy wings and a tutu, hiding in the rugby team’s shower offering baby oil rub-downs with guaranteed happy endings?”
He let out a soprano shriek, making everyone flinch in their seats – well, apart from Tater-Tot, who was gazing lovingly at his boyfriend, chin supported on his hand.
“You bitch! At least I wasn’t tied to a goal post and prodded with a stick!”
I laughed sarcastically. “You bloody wish you got prodded with a stick, in fact, you dreamt about it didn’t you?”
He put a hand across his chest and opened his mouth in shock before snapping it shut and nodding in agreement. “True, Boo. Loves ya.”
I winked and smiled lovingly. “Loves ya, too,” and we carried on eating our food.
I looked up after a few silent seconds and noticed several sets of eyes frozen on us, especially Boleyn’s – whoopsy! I just shrugged. This was normal, they had better get used to us, and what’s a family dinner without a bit of friendly banter?
As the night went on, we chatted about all sorts of things. Pamela was very easy to get on with. For the mother of my boyfriend, she was pretty awesome. I think she even got used to Tink and his…unique personality.
