Eternally North
Page 57
“Tudor, please. This is not your fault. I have been dealing with this for a long time, most of my life in fact. These… episodes happen every now and again. You have not made me like this, you are not responsible.”
He moaned. “But I haven’t helped have I? I’ve made your life hell for the last couple of months, due to my own f**k-ups, my own problems, none of it your fault! And last night… Jesus, what I did to you last night, making you feel like nothing... again! What have I done?"
He dropped his head and his shoulders slumped. "No wonder Tink hates me, he probably saw this coming. That's why he's been so hostile, so protective.” He shook his head in defeat. “He knew I was no good for you and would make you ill. He could see I'd screw it all up. No doubt he will blame me for this too. Well, I deserve to be held accountable.”
“Tudor, stop. I can't listen to you berate yourself. And I need to call Tink, tell him I'm okay. I’ll explain how you helped, he'll be fine."
“I texted him earlier from your phone. I said you would ring him when you had woken up.”
I nodded in thanks.
“Listen, Tudor, believe me when I say this, it isn’t your fault. Despite all that has happened between us, all of the drama, the... misunderstandings, I can’t deny that you always turn up when I need help, and for that I am truly grateful.” I managed to reach my hand out and touch his. “I really appreciate that you came to help me today. I am not, however, enjoying your self-flagellation.”
He was boring holes into the floor. “Can we just forget everything I’ve done to f**k up and start again? Please? I promise this time I’ll be different, we’ll be different. I won't lead you on and I promise you won't be victim to my personal demons. I’ll be a good friend, without all the other things getting in our way. I want you in my life. I just want to let you know that my telling you 'you were nothing' and a 'mistake' has haunted me. I-I don’t know what I was doing, what I was thinking.”
He picked up a piece of my hair and began rolling it between his fingers. “As f**ked up as it sounds, last night was probably one of the most amazing nights of my life, being with you like that, touching you, having you that close. I like you, Tash. More than like, but I'm dealing with some heavy things, things you can't know about and I'm struggling with balancing doing what’s right and what I want. It's selfish and wrong of me, but I have to have you in my life now that I've met you. I want you, even if it can only be as a friend, if you'll agree? You just make things… better for me. I don't know how else to explain it. If I can explain it." He looked at me full of hope, hope that I would forgive him, that his explanation would help us move on, even if it wasn’t a full disclosure into the reason for his frequent episodes of emotional whiplash.
One thing was for sure, I knew I couldn’t stop liking him, he’d wormed his way into my heart. Hell, he’d wormed in, set up shop and colonised! I didn't know if his feelings towards me made me happy or whether I was annoyed. I needed more time to process all of this. But if he was being genuine and was trying to turn over a new leaf, who was I to deny him?
Be open to every opportunity, Tash!
“Of course, Tude, no bother. I want you as a friend even if there can't be anything more. I understand what it's like to work through personal shit.”
He cracked his smirk, dimples out.
“What?” I asked.
“You’ve called me Tude, twice now,” he told me, his face all bashful.
“I have?” I have??? That’s bloody embarrassing.
He shifted closer, smiling and tucking his hands under his cheek. “Mmm-hmm…I like it. I’ve never had a nickname before.”
My heart fluttered. “Well, ‘I'm glad to be of service’...”
He grew all serious again. “Can I ask a personal question?”
“I’m not telling you how old I was when I lost my virginity, or my bra size, you pig!” I scolded.
“What? No, I wasn’t–" he spluttered.
“Gotcha!” I laughed as loud as I could manage; it sounded like a pathetic croak.
He slow-clapped. “Good one, Sunshine.”
“Sunshine?” I asked, baffled.
He shrugged. “If I get a nickname so do you.”
“But Sunshine? Why Sunshine?”
He fidgeted, clearly embarrassed. “That’s for me to know and you to find out,” he said enigmatically, playfully tapping the end of my nose.
He moaned. “But I haven’t helped have I? I’ve made your life hell for the last couple of months, due to my own f**k-ups, my own problems, none of it your fault! And last night… Jesus, what I did to you last night, making you feel like nothing... again! What have I done?"
He dropped his head and his shoulders slumped. "No wonder Tink hates me, he probably saw this coming. That's why he's been so hostile, so protective.” He shook his head in defeat. “He knew I was no good for you and would make you ill. He could see I'd screw it all up. No doubt he will blame me for this too. Well, I deserve to be held accountable.”
“Tudor, stop. I can't listen to you berate yourself. And I need to call Tink, tell him I'm okay. I’ll explain how you helped, he'll be fine."
“I texted him earlier from your phone. I said you would ring him when you had woken up.”
I nodded in thanks.
“Listen, Tudor, believe me when I say this, it isn’t your fault. Despite all that has happened between us, all of the drama, the... misunderstandings, I can’t deny that you always turn up when I need help, and for that I am truly grateful.” I managed to reach my hand out and touch his. “I really appreciate that you came to help me today. I am not, however, enjoying your self-flagellation.”
He was boring holes into the floor. “Can we just forget everything I’ve done to f**k up and start again? Please? I promise this time I’ll be different, we’ll be different. I won't lead you on and I promise you won't be victim to my personal demons. I’ll be a good friend, without all the other things getting in our way. I want you in my life. I just want to let you know that my telling you 'you were nothing' and a 'mistake' has haunted me. I-I don’t know what I was doing, what I was thinking.”
He picked up a piece of my hair and began rolling it between his fingers. “As f**ked up as it sounds, last night was probably one of the most amazing nights of my life, being with you like that, touching you, having you that close. I like you, Tash. More than like, but I'm dealing with some heavy things, things you can't know about and I'm struggling with balancing doing what’s right and what I want. It's selfish and wrong of me, but I have to have you in my life now that I've met you. I want you, even if it can only be as a friend, if you'll agree? You just make things… better for me. I don't know how else to explain it. If I can explain it." He looked at me full of hope, hope that I would forgive him, that his explanation would help us move on, even if it wasn’t a full disclosure into the reason for his frequent episodes of emotional whiplash.
One thing was for sure, I knew I couldn’t stop liking him, he’d wormed his way into my heart. Hell, he’d wormed in, set up shop and colonised! I didn't know if his feelings towards me made me happy or whether I was annoyed. I needed more time to process all of this. But if he was being genuine and was trying to turn over a new leaf, who was I to deny him?
Be open to every opportunity, Tash!
“Of course, Tude, no bother. I want you as a friend even if there can't be anything more. I understand what it's like to work through personal shit.”
He cracked his smirk, dimples out.
“What?” I asked.
“You’ve called me Tude, twice now,” he told me, his face all bashful.
“I have?” I have??? That’s bloody embarrassing.
He shifted closer, smiling and tucking his hands under his cheek. “Mmm-hmm…I like it. I’ve never had a nickname before.”
My heart fluttered. “Well, ‘I'm glad to be of service’...”
He grew all serious again. “Can I ask a personal question?”
“I’m not telling you how old I was when I lost my virginity, or my bra size, you pig!” I scolded.
“What? No, I wasn’t–" he spluttered.
“Gotcha!” I laughed as loud as I could manage; it sounded like a pathetic croak.
He slow-clapped. “Good one, Sunshine.”
“Sunshine?” I asked, baffled.
He shrugged. “If I get a nickname so do you.”
“But Sunshine? Why Sunshine?”
He fidgeted, clearly embarrassed. “That’s for me to know and you to find out,” he said enigmatically, playfully tapping the end of my nose.
